charlies-fries

[charlies-fries]

Random thoughts to myself:

Am I smiling a normal amount in a day ?

They say that smiling, even when you’re not feeling happy, can improve your quality of life as it tricks your brain into thinking your feeling good.

But how much are we supposed to smile in a day to feel the effect of that trick? How do we know if we’re above or below the average?

I could use the serotonin, but sometimes smiling can be painful, like putting on a mask and playing a part. I do it at work, I do it in conversations, I do it with strangers to show them I’m polite and nice. And that’s a lot.

That doesn’t make me feel any better, on the contrary. Masking is hard especially when I’m aware of it. But I guess those kind of smiles don’t count.

Am I then only supposed to smile for myself, to feel better. Smiling without it being for someone else. To meet people’s expectations ? Smiling just because I chose it and because no one’s looking ? Smiling because of something I just read or saw and smiling way longer than would be socially acceptable. Smiling like a child looking at a puppy. Smiling because I can be myself and let my emotions and expressions speak for me.

So I guess the benefit of smiling really just depends on the context.

Maybe to feel better then, I should smile a little less to people when I don’t mean it and smile a lot more to myself when I feel like it.

Charli.e

[charlies-fries]

Why do people close their eyes when they kiss?

Is it because they’re at their most vulnerable? They have to close their eyes because being so fragile, letting go of oneself completely is scary?

When I feel vulnerable I don’t want to close my eyes, I want them wide open, facing the potential danger.

Is it out of lack of confidence ? They close their eyes as they are self conscious, afraid of not meeting one’s expectations ?

When I kiss, I wanna see a reaction, know what they’re thinking. Play with the looks and the hidden meanings.

Is it the fear of being that close to someone ? The fear of being too intimate ? Of having too much connection: the flesh, the soul?

When I kiss, I want to be close. Isn’t it the whole thing ? Blow away the barriers. What is the point of a distant kiss?

Is it because they’re afraid of what they could see in their partner’s eyes ? Afraid to see indifference or too much care ? Simply afraid of a truth?

I don’t wanna be fooled by two lips pressed against mine. I’d rather know the true intentions, the true self.

Or are they scared of what could be read in their very own eyes ? The eyes don’t lie. Not in a kiss.

Afraid that if open, the most hidden secret might unravel before their partner’s eyes ? Afraid that open eyes could speak the truth ?

I like truth. When I kiss, I want someone to see it. Look right into my eyes and see love and connection. Care and trust.

I want them to see the feelings I’m hiding. There is no need for speech when the eyes say it all.

I want them open.

Wide open.

But what do I know? They remain closed, time after time.

~ Charli.e

[charlies-fries]

It’s a new feeling

Not quite clear yet

But strangely familiar

Comfortable

Growing stronger with time

Blossoming at time

When I think about them

In the warmth of my bed

I feel a pinch

A hunger setting in

But honestly quite pleasing

Like a new touch of hope

Towards the new me

The real me

In those moments

Dreaming about girls

Not afraid anymore

I can finally say

I’m proud to be gay

Charli.e

[charlies-fries]

I knew it was more

When walking with you to the subway

Became the best part of my day

When I was excited to work

For I knew I’d see you

When after you told me I was cute

I felt my heart jumping around

When I found myself feeling like a child

As if I’d never been in love

When I started talking about you

To everyone who mattered

When I felt such disappointment

When you left early that day

When after hours spent with you

I felt all empty home alone

When I knew I wouldn’t see you

And then the long days felt bleak

When I would hope for you so stay

A little longer just that day

When I got stressed to ask for a hug

And my eyes couldn’t meet yours, intimidated

When you leaned in for a kiss

And when you said you’d missed me

I knew it was more than friends

It was us being gay

Charli.e

[charlies-fries]

Your curves like art to my eyes

Are calling me by your side

I breathe against your body

Still trying to resist, though I will not succeed

I know I will give up, and your wholeness I will have

Soon enough I yield to you

I touch you with my hungry hands

And slowly take you to my mouth

Your sweet taste holding me hostage

But soon enough there’s nothing left

You disappear inside of me

Now you live in my memory

Though I will have you again

But not exactly the same

(Or at least, a version anew)

I will live by you

I won’t have nothing else

But the sweet taste of you, my muffin

Love is a muffin

(I was hungry when I wrote that one)

Charli.e

[charlies-fries]

I dream about a girl

And she dreams of me

I see her cold brown eyes, when I’m fast asleep

Her cherry lips shyly smiling at me

The soft white skin of her doll like hands

As I imagine them comparing size with mine

Yet she’s got hair so dark I could get lost in them

But better yet than everything else

Her mastery in clownery

Happy pride month y’all

Charli.e

[charlies-fries]

Photos are memories of the amnesic

Visual reminder on shining paper

Of a forgotten time they don’t remember

Old smiles and changed truths

Visibles shapes of a vanishing trace

Snowflakes melting in the passing time

A feather lost in flight

The true memories never leave

They hide in your brain

Haunt your sleep in a restless dance

A vivid past revival

True memories live on

They blind you

Distorted tastes and smells

Blurry vision of a past long gone

Transcripted in the present world

It keeps you from the hurt

It keeps you from life

Forever imprisoned in a cell they made up

Charli.e

[charlies-fries]

Cold mornings when I wake up everyday from another restless night. I try to get up ten times before I succeed.

Can you see it?

Whether it’s winter or summer, freezing cold or burning heat, I can’t seem to make a difference. Days add up to the calendar as are failed plans on the list of my shames.

Can you see it ?

People talk so I pretend I listen: a right shake of head, here and there. But inside I am far away. Caught up in their ego, they don’t see I’m not hearing. They are blinded, shining too hard, yet my eyes are dark and empty.

Can you see it ?

They could if they paid attention. A closer look. A little less pretention. When I get home I eat. Repeatedly I take the fork to my mouth. Feeding my body with tasteless meals. Wishing I could still find the flavours of the past but they grew tired with time.

Can you see it ?

Sometimes I laugh. Often actually. I laugh a lot. You have to make fun of life, show people that you’re alive.

But can you see it now?

Depression you’re killing me.

Charli.e

[charlies-fries]

Drifting away from her memories

Away from a past no longer shining

Her history trying to catch her

But away, away, she slips from its reach

Away, away, ‘til the hurt starts to fade

Away, away, ‘cause she’s suffered enough

Away, away, ‘til she wakes up again

Charli.e

[charlies-fries]

Feelings too fast to last

A shivering touch of what could be love

Buried deeply in the touch of two skins

On the shadows of the bedsheets

Only by an absence does it meet the surface

Creeps out of a memory, tickling the spine

She touched in her rest

When gone in a fantasy, she lost herself to me

Charli.e

[charlies-fries]

Womanhood

Lips shivering

They’ll burst open when it’s enough

With the dark rage coming out of my guts

full of the black worms of disgust

And the shame of being there

Their hungry eyes stealing from me

All the pride I had built

Upon my condition

Charli.e

[charlies-fries]

I know I don’t really have a following yet but I’m gonna start posting my poems here soon. They’re really personal and often comes from intense emotions that I felt the need to let out some way. Anyway. That’s gonna be depressing af but also funny at times. Bear with me 🐸🌻

In the meantime here’s a ridiculously cute frog. She doesn’t have any human problems. She’s just chilling on a leaf unaware of the pending threats of the world and of the ephemeral nature of life. I’m jealous of her and I’m gonna pretend I’m a frog too from now on.

That’s way less trouble

[charlies-fries]

God I just love women so much

[charlies-fries]

polish government has opened a website for ukrainians seeking safety and trying to cross the ukrainian-polish border:

ua.gov.pl

as of 13:10 polish time, it has been said as many people as possible will be let through the borders. they are also supposed to let through children who do not have passports, as to not divide families.

[charlies-fries]

New forbidden snack unlocked

i can eat a little aloe vera gel .. as a treat

[charlies-fries]

[charlies-fries]

Why am I not kissing anyone right now? It's a crime that I'm not straddling someone's lap rn and kissing them