choppedfnliver-blog

[choppedfnliver-blog]

Hey Looky here.

Well still haven't gotten around to updating shit, but I did just host for the first time through couchsurfing.org. T'was a fun time and now I can direct you to other people telling stories so I can continue to procrastinate. Hey... It's better than nothing... so here's my lovely couchsurfers' site, check it out www.localmouths.com

Oh and by the way Ol' Blue died a month ago. (what a sad note to end on :/)

[choppedfnliver-blog]

Why Travels of a Mad Man took a hiatus...

Long story short... Im a drinker with a traveling problem... I might get back to it but write in a non chronological order. Plenty has happened to keep me from the computer, which results in great stories...Tales of the strange... or I might just not write. I have been tho just not on here. Let me know your thoughts. Is it dead?Look at this ramble... I better stop. Phone rings perfect.... 

[choppedfnliver-blog]

[choppedfnliver-blog]

Yosemite

Well Yosemite... Yosemite is a gorgeous place, but going during the summer the place is packed, unless you go back country, so that's exactly what I did. I arrived got my permits made up some bullshit plan of a hike, got my bearproof container and packed my tiny lil skateboarder bag and then tried to sleep in my car all sneaky like. Don't do that go to the backpackers base camp even if it is miles outta your way because the rangers there are dicks (not the hippy summer interns, but the assholes with the guns). So after getting kicked outta my car I walk 1.5 miles-ish to camp at night... I see eyes... I'm by myself... I make noise... eyes just stare... See that its only deer... I walk by still making noise... they hiss and get pissed... I ran. Then the next morning before my big adventure another ranger wakes me early to see if I have all the proper permits to be there. Argg!!

 So I walk 3 mileish to four mile trail to get up to glacier point. Folks the view up there is gorgeous, but don't hike up 4 mile trail especially with a heavy bag on your back in upper 90 degree weather. A few points I really wanted to die. Way outta of shape plus months of binge drinking doesn't help. I get to top, wonderful (after 6 hours of hiking uphill cutbacks... probably should just took that $20 shuttle there), asked a ranger for directions, they were wrong...wound up just sleepin in my sleeping bag on a day hiking trail. gosh...

Sore as hell the next morning I trudged on, living of canned beans and granola bars. My pics will explain the rest (I got a picture taken of me by a pro... does that make me a model?). Seriously tho, I highly recommend Yosemite to all, just make sure you stretch first.

[choppedfnliver-blog]

[choppedfnliver-blog]

Da Bays (think SNL skit... you'll get it)

Well after all the debauchery of that weekend. We stayed with a lovely couple that lived in Woodside (Neil Young has a ranch close there, but alas I din't meet him). So I was kinda pampered as they were nice enough to take a stranger in. One of the hosts, Steve, even read us stories, one night I smoked fine cigars and and sipped fin whiskey with him (of course I donned my Mirage bathrobe). Me and the gals went on lovely hikes. Then mid week Megan and I left lil Bethan to meet up with some friends of a friend of mine in Oakland. 

These friends of a friend I've heard a lot about (I've even been in their house before) so it was good to put a face to the stories. One thing I got to say about Oakland is, it's cool. I know it's where crack is from and its got shady parts. But Oakland kinda reminded me of East coast cities (mostley cuz the bums mostly left you alone after you make aware to them you really don't think they ran outta gas). The twins and their cousin (these are my friends of a friend, who are now my friends) showed me this neat lil site which everyone should check out before someone ruins it. Its called the Landfill.

And it's pretty fuckin sick, basically after an earthquake happened in the 80's they dumped bunch of it in the bay. So now it's over grown, has graffiti everywhere, but the homeless took it over. Like its a colony, one dude made a concrete castle the rest live in tents or whatever, some even have solar panels. There's even junk sculptures and a library.Its sick look at the photos. Then the next day was back in Frisky Frisco at the Green Tortoise.

Well weekend started out with me getting out of jail and with crab races and me getting ridiculously drunk (wow!!! what are the odds). Ok, So the getting out of jail was just a tour of Alcatraz, but it was fun to tell my parents that when my dad did his routine call of making sure I'm not dead. At the hostel Bethan's team won the crab races and I tried teaching people at the hostel the great game of Matchbox, yeah that didn't work. So I kept drinking and picked on a Swede that I just kept calling Blondie. Somehow I was even talked into going to a titty bar with him, but left immediately after hearing the word "cover". I dislike covers.

The next day I took my car to the shop (Midas had to correct things), but fortunately it was right by the tattoo parlor and gave me a free night of parking. Yay. Seriously tho parking in San Fran is expensive so that was nice and my buddy John got a kickass tattoo from Blackheart Tattoo. Later that day was a hostel pub crawl which was neat checkin out some places. The best was the last bar which was a club and obviously a gansta ass club. So it was great to see a bunch of foreigners prove that white guys can dance. Later that night everyone went to bed, and I had a desire for ice cream and a beer. So I go out to grab that then step out of the store. A riot on the street breaks out in front of the hostel... and there I am just licking a ice cream cone (I always stand out like a sore thumb). After all that excitement it was time for bed right after I smoke a joint on the roof and get an Aussie way to high for his comfort zone. 

The next day we left the hostel and I had to say goodbye to the girls because they had to go home to the motherland and the only thing sensible to do at this point is go back-country backpacking by myself after months of binge drinking.

[choppedfnliver-blog]

two words to describe me.... Spontaneous Procrastonator

Sorry folks I get distracted easily, also I went off the grid for a long time, but fuck you if your still interested I got some more stories, Feel free to comment, ask questions about areas, or just blatanty insult me. Whatever you feel... Well more stories are gonna roll on in... lets hope I remember shit. Now its story time. YEAH!!!

[choppedfnliver-blog]

I'm not dead.... yet!

I have a hard time finding time to write these days, which means I've been busy, which means better stories when I get around to writing them. Sorry I wish I had an excuse, but I don't. But I am alive and travelling still. About to travel back east with a bearded Brit. Hmmm... That sounds interesting..... I'll tell you a bit more about this chap after I catch up on roughly 5 intense and amazing installments of this epic odyssey. As for now, my knee is fucked (Vancouver... Saved for another time) and I'm about to head into the wilderness (so that time might be delayed). but enough about me, I know none of you care about my well being, It's all about Ol' Blue. Well shes doing good. Running like a champ and being loud because herexhaust broke off and my horrible cheap fixes aren't holding. Well till I tumbl again. Cheers. 

[choppedfnliver-blog]

Pictures cuz I'm lazy/busy. here is... DESTRUCTION IN THE BAY. Well here it is.

[choppedfnliver-blog]

DESTRUCTION IN THE BAY!!!

Well Well Well, San Francisco... This Is just going to be part of Bay area story, But remember those crazy Brits from my earlier stories... They're Back. We decided to go to San Fran earlier expected because we wanted Bethan to enjoy her birthday and possibly get some birthday sex (who doesn't like that). So we arrive after getting a tip from my friend Joe about the International Hostel in San Francisco, he told me how Russ won a drinking game (shots of vodka till 6:30 am) so they had a free room for the night. So we arrive, even after being warned that if the owner was on duty we'd have to do 4 shorts upon arrival. Instead, I was showered with bromance as all the boys shook off their hangovers to greet me. It was a glorious reunion.

But before a big night drinking (free beer at hostel that night with a club down stairs) I had to go to the shop and get some pizza ingredients for some Birthday Pie. So my first walk down San Fran. Let me tell you what that is a diverse city. The first park we walked through had crackhead sleeping in the lawn, gay pride flags blowin in the wind, while a christian music video was being shot. Also the crazies there are rampant. Not the ones that just ask for money, but they'll follow you down the street singing to you (they also have a bush man, which all natives know what I'm talking about). Got back, met some new people in the kitchen and then made a delicious pie. A lil after that is where shit hit the fan.

Seriously guys this place was a party hostel. We started out the night like any other night; with Matchbox (like we didn't miss a day). Then shit got crazy (the pictures shall narrate).  And I think I'll end the story like that cuz I'm fucking busy.

[choppedfnliver-blog]

[choppedfnliver-blog]

Going Coastal on Cali

After driving through some of the most beautiful landscapes from Death Valley to Big Sur. Everything was expensive in Big Sur, but it was truley goreous. I highly recommend driving Route 1 the coastal highway, its gorgeous. But around Hearst Castle (I didn't go, I'm cheap), I kept my promise to Ol' Blue and let her see the Pacific before she died. I touched the Pacific for the first time as well (Spoiler it's wet). Twas a glorious day.

Beatiful Coast drives with scenic views, we even spent a night at the Comfort Inn (it had bath with jets!!) instead a Motel 6. Played trivia at a "British" Pub, ate Del Taco, walked around some neat places (Monterrey, Santa Cruz). But times like that could last couldn't last. We got to Santa Cruz and couldn't even get get a Motel 6 and the hostel had a 10PM curfew (really?). So we stayed at a overpriced TravelLodge due to it being graduation weekend.

We should have known when the old Indian lady behind the counter kinda smiled to herself when she said the room was hard to sell. We walk in and it looked like there was the Great Cigarette War of 1976. Cigarette burns were everywhere; door ways, the ceiling, the comforters, the walls, the desk, the seat (half of a side was burnt away) basically everywhere. There was a nice sauce/puke stain in the corner of the room, and a furnace with an accessible pilot, that we later lit cigarettes on, that turned on when turning on the AC. Hard to sell...I get it now.

Well, needless to say, Bethan's birthday was midnight that night so we bought a bunch of booze, cigarettes (we had a smoking room, why not?), and party hardy in that shithole. The worse part though is the day we left it looked horrible, but at least we knew half the mess wasn't ours.

We then decided to go straight to San Francisco from there, but San Fran deserves its own story, maybe two. But we did stop at the Mystery Spot enroute and seriously that place is cool, but I think the trick might be trick levels (or aliens).

[choppedfnliver-blog]

Arggg.. Here be some pics fer ye who don't read

[choppedfnliver-blog]

California here we come... No seriously fuck that song and fuck Phantom Planet for singing it!!!!!

Then it all took a turn for the worse... Ol' Blue start revving and stalls after I fill up on some gas in Pomona about an hour away from Santa Monica where I was going to me some friends. Shit... Fuck... Ol' Blue has never stranded me (well besides that one time when I had to go to court), but I had to face the facts after trying to get her going after doing the regular check the fluids routine. She had to get some work done on her, Soooooooo... fact of travel: cars take alot of abuse especially when the car your driving is the same age as you. I have AAA which saved me well over 100 bucks that day. Seriously don't think about traveling in a car without it, My membership cost only $50 a year (My area is the Southern Tier of New York. That's right.) So they take me in (for free) and I got to the shop. The guys at Claremont Auto  where the shit. Dave who worked on my care did a great job. But unfortunately they showed me my shit brake job that another shop did *coughmidascough*.  So I had to yell at them, but Claremont thanks for getting me on the road. Also I got fucked because I tried to be cheap to find better gas prices and ran out so... yeah some riftraft got in my fuel filter. Yup, That was dumb, O well.

Well I finally get to Santa Monica meet up with my two friends, Meg and Bethan, They were staying at the Santa Monica hostel. That place is lame as fuck, no booze allowed and they closed the outside area at ten. Not my style at all, it was an expensive hostel as well. But on the bright side Bethan got me a birthday cake and of course Vodka was snuck in and drank. Had a good time chillin, catchin up and, meetin a few of thier friends. But the best was some random Texas kid who was hittin on Bethan using such classic lines as, " I never hit women" and " Do you like Radiohead". Classic lines I have yet to use due to my fear of making every female within earshot foam at the gash. I was bored and he said something about San Francisco to me and respond, " I hate San Francisco and everything it stands for." Yikes!!! Fighting words... He asks me to step outside and informs me he's trained in MMA. I told him unfortunately I was enjoying my drink and it would fit into my schedule, but I think we parted on friendly terms because he asked me for a cig the next day. What a nut.

Well I slept in Ol' Blue that night in a parking garage not willing to shell out money for a room, but still using the shower the next day (very sneaky). The next day me and the girls took off for Joshua Tree, in a very crammed Volvo. But first we met up with other friends in LA and that's where my New York kicked in driving on the freeway. An idiot was getting into a lane where I was in his blind so I gave a friendly honk to let him know I was there. He then honked at me like I was in the wrong, like a reflex a middle finger flies from the window. Damn that felt good. We had a little East coast vs West coast thing. But anyways, first stop back on the road, was an unexpected stop we couldn't resist. The Wolds Biggest Dinosaurs, which would have been a tempting stop in itself, but the cherry on top is it's Christian so they preach about creationism the whole time and how evolution doesn't make sense, and how we, the human lived with them. What a wonderful little fantasy world! Next stop was Pioneertown a old school Western-esque town built to shoot movies at. We went to the bar ate, played pool, and listened to a rather interesting open mic night. Always being classy we stayed at the hotel, motel, 6 ( FYI, that's to the tune of that hotel motel holiday inn song). They are always a hoot. Cheap & clean (wish I could say the same about TravelLodge, but I'll get to that story). 

At Joshua Tree, after bragging about my outdoorsyness. I was attacked, unwarranted by wildlife. You heard me, Man vs. Wild shit!! Ok... well... I was attacked by a cactus (I got pricked earlier in PioneerTown, but I was trying to get a flower, so I deserved that). But I was taking a pic all of a sudden there is cactus in my foot. Seriously there's a cactus that will explode if brushed against and on top of it, they have barbs so they are hard to pull out. This monster is called the Jumping Cholla, stay away from them. When I asked the Ranger for tweezers (he gave me pliers, they're that bad), he showed me a pic of a drunk golfer who had them all over his body took 3 hours just to get him in the ambulance (Ha, golfers...).I hate cacti, they are bastards, probably my biggest enemy after mosquitoes in nature. So after nice hike in Joshua Tree (wearing shoes of course) the next stop was Death Valley. Yeah, It's just like it sounds, quite a beautiful landscape. And that caused a problem because it inspired me to pull over and take a look, go back to Ol' Blue, she didn't turn over. In Death Valley... FUCK. I gave her a little TLC, she turned over, but seriously what a horrible place to almost get stranded. Death Fucking Valley. 

[choppedfnliver-blog]

[choppedfnliver-blog]

If you leave me now, you take away the biggest part of me...

Shit, After Vegas it was nice to get into something that was real. So we took off for the Grand Canyon via the Hoover Dam. At the Hoover Dam we had a dam good time (I'm sorry I had to fit that in somewhere). I bragged about being a member of the ASCE and kept getting in the way of pictures mostly (Brenden was becoming increasingly wearing of my unaware ways). Then we went of to the Grand Canyon. Seriously, if you havent gone go. It's awesome, literally, it puts you into awe. I could bore you with a bunch of poetic lines about it's beauty, but that's not my style. 

What is my style is telling you about the drunken mayhem that occurred after we got all naturey. Well it was my "last" night with the boys so we bought some sausages and alcohol. As I sat down to enjoy one of my sausages (not like that. come on guys/gals), I was sipping on some wine, when Dr. Simpson had one of his famous amazingly great ideas. Lets play HubleDouble, but with teams so if one side of the bench f'd up, the whole side drank. Odds Vs Evens. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

Here's a Fucking Travel Tip, if you ever meet a Brit named Joe from Weymouth... DON'T play a drinking game against him or if you do, don't sit next to him (well if you wanna increase your drinking skills sit next to him). Joe just sits around and will call you out on anything, he enjoys fucking people over and decapitation. I sat directly in front of him, plus I'm an American idiot. Lets just put it this way, I wound up getting a HumbleDouble record of being HumbleDouble7Double15. Fuck!!! My team despised me, I didn't care. I am the Wookie and I shall Spromit where I please. Well after the campsite dickhead told us to keep it down (it was to late, we where hitting the hay anyways. What a cockface.) The boys started singing to me, not wanting me to leave. It was moving them going from hating to loving (Booze does this to Brits). Singing in their lovely voices, If you leave me now, you take away the biggest part of me. T'was emotional.

The next day, we had a last supper at Pizza Hut, right after they had to push me into a gas station for running out of gas (Ol' Blues gas gauge is rather slow). At Pizza Hut we laughed, we cried, we spromitted, and then took off. 

But that was not the last I saw of the Britiots, I pull into a gas station and and come out of the shop there they are. I would have thought it was just coincidence, until driving through California I got tried and pulled into a rest area to sleep. Then a get a knock on my car door and a person saying I can't sleep here. Fuck it's them those creeps, tailing me. We laugh, cried, and spromitted all over again and went to bed for a quick nap. Needless to say I woke up the next morning to Phil asking for a jump. Then they took off and we parted ways for good... or did we?

[choppedfnliver-blog]

A Drunken Tribal Dance of Joy