chromaticthresholdapex

[chromaticthresholdapex]

I am afraid that I will not be accepted by the transgender community, and I need help

I am just a simple man who was born a woman. I always wanted to be one; I didn't feel good being a woman. I never understood different concepts; I was always just a man (he/him) for myself, and I didn't see anything wrong with it. But from what I've noticed, most people identify with the pronouns he/they or masculine. I never called myself "masculine"; I was always just "man," and it's like that to this day. I feel like I just can't fit in. I made the decision to transition in February 2024, and I'm sticking to it. I want to finally feel like a real man, have an "m" on my ID, a desired beard, and get rid of problematic breasts. I have been sick since childhood, especially when it comes to my period. For over two years, I haven't had it even once because of a special medicine that my gynecologist prescribed me. It's either endometriosis or the spine pressing on the uterus. Periods from my youngest years were a real nightmare, and the pain was unbearable, and strangely enough, it was near the tailbone at the back of my back, deep somewhere in the nerves, not in the bones. Fortunately, now that I'm taking this medication, I don't get my period anymore, but I'm still getting treatment and trying to find the cause of this problem.

Currently, since August, another problem has appeared that continues to this day; it is an extremely bothersome burning in the lower left back and buttock. It is constant, but sometimes it causes more trouble and sometimes less. It has not been tested yet, but in the future I intend to go to an endocrinologist. There is not a moment when I don't feel pain or burning. It ended up with me being afraid that I am persuading myself of both pains, and it all has a psychological basis. Not to mention the problems with my teeth, because unfortunately this is also my problem lately. But ignoring the issue of all the pains, for now I haven't started taking HRT yet. I have a document confirming my transgender identity from a psychologist-sexologist, and soon I will also have a separate one from a psychiatrist. I am very proud of it; it is as if I had a document that I can finally be a man. But despite this, I am still afraid that I will not fit in. I often have completely different views than transgender people. I am quite a country boy, and I feel the worst in polo shirts, black metal band T-shirts, or sweatshirts. I do not take special care of myself; I do not choose clothes in particular; usually I either dress in black and gray or just wear simple one- or two-colored hoodies. I do not wear rainbow pins, stickers, or details; I have never felt such a need. I do not even feel like a transgender person, just a man in himself. This is what I have been fighting for in my head for years.

I am really afraid that I do not fit here. I once left a certain transgender Discord server because a woman who was ten years older than me and organized pride parades started writing to me that my family were bad people, that I didn't do good in life, and that I was destroying the environment just because I came from a farming family. I openly admitted it, and I wasn't vegan. I don't like to argue, and I can't, but I also don't want to hide my interests. I don't feel that farming is bad, and I like the atmosphere of the countryside. This is where I grew up, and I will never change that. Now I feel like I have to hide it because I don't know how others will react. I'm afraid that transgender people will laugh at me for it or simply treat me worse or look down on me. I don't know what to do anymore. On the one hand, I'm trying to be a regular, simple 22-year-old guy living in Poland, and on the other hand, I want to transition peacefully. I just want a peaceful life as a man.