cirrionderpebbles

[cirrionderpebbles]

There's a cloud rounding the corner of the bay and it feels a bit like the world could end

but you're here and so I dawdle

not sure if I should lengthen or lose this moment

we wont ever be the same again

this knowledge runs through my veins colder than the waves you're paddling through

you're beautiful like this, purposefully careless

I think I could die here watching you and that is not a happy thought

hours pass and we are still on this beach

it's dark now, we are caught under the moon, running from time

funny how my sobriety is the line I cross to feel without doubt in your arms

though you've proven over and over

you'll hold me til i'm dust

[cirrionderpebbles]

I'll get up by the count of 10

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9

and if I'm not

10

I'll keep counting til I can

11,12,13

even if it takes me to

683

I'll still get up

[cirrionderpebbles]

I'm lying facedown in the dirt and someone is piling bricks on me

I am an indent in the fresh earth and the stones pile higher

I am eye to eye with the people sitting in their graves and the stones pile higher

I am sinking right to the centre of the earth and still the stones keep landing

oneday I might look up into the face of my gravedigger

and only see myself

[cirrionderpebbles]

In a dream I found you again

I dont remember much except you were tall and we were bitter

we stood in the dark

exchanging hard words in soft voices

my friends were behind you

where were yours?

there were oceans crashing beneath our feet

muffled under our shared anger

that world was fragmented

splitting at the seams

like we were, the last time we saw eachother.

if I find you again

can we forgive ourselves?

[cirrionderpebbles]

A Letter To My Childhood Bestfriend

last week I found a letter I wrote to you when I was 9

in it I found memories of sisters from different families

and friendships that couldn't fall to time or distance

I saw you a day later in a crowded garden

I dont know if you saw me or if you'd recognize me if you did

I've learnt, as the years have passed, all things come to an end, even the ones we hoped would last lifetimes

so I walked away without stopping to tell you

you look happy, you're doing so well,

your birthday is still in my calendar

I hope mine is still in yours

[cirrionderpebbles]

There are hands tearing me apart

the faces around me are mirrorlike

grotesque and covered in everything

I have ever thought about myself

I can touch every wall in this room

someone flicks the lightswitch

people start moving

their hands are clean

you can tell me i'm loved

beautiful and wanted

i will not hear you

and

my hands are still stained red

[cirrionderpebbles]

I think I fell in love with you once

I think it was because you treated like

I was a person to you

not an addition to yourself

I thought you fell in love with me once

I thought it because you said so

I love you, I love you more, I love you most

I think I fell in love with you once

I gave you a quiet piece of me

one that I hadnt shared before

but you looked and would not touch

I thought I fell out of love with you once

spent months swearing myself blue

that I was done with you

I think I'm still in love with you

and I think the best thing I ever did for us

was let you go

I think I may never fall out of love with you

and I no longer resent you for it

you are the reason i learnt to grow

to love and to let go

I think I will fall in love with another

just as loudly, as fully, as beautifully

and maybe we will both choose to stay

and maybe we wont

but I know that whether we do or dont

I will continue to love again and again

I have too much love to give to

just one person in this world

I know I've fallen out of love with you now

still I'll love you regardless

[cirrionderpebbles]

I'm scared of being left

so maybe I'll leave first

you have a tight grip on my throat,

in the pit in my stomach

and around the worm around my brain

and all three are screaming to be free

I know that when i go

I will only miss the pressure

where your hands were on my throat,

the pit in my stomach,

and the worm around my brain

they will be begging for you back

i have a hole in my heart

which you put there

and i know that when you

remove the dagger

i'll bleed out waiting

for your pressure to be applied

[cirrionderpebbles]

[cirrionderpebbles]

I take new people to places

that were once sacred to us

my life didnt end with yours

our memories arent for sharing but

I am no longer afraid of making new ones

[cirrionderpebbles]

Pebbles

Trust sometimes goes like this:

You hand me a stone

It's rough and a little heavy

but its a piece of you given to me

and I will cherish it

In return I hand you a pebble

one I sanded down til it fits

comfortably in your palm

you tell me its okay;

you can handle my roughness, my heaviness

I tell you I dont know how you can

you show me your stone again

"here, isn't this rough and heavy?

dont you still think its beautiful?

I too know how to hold a rough and heavy stone"

I take my hammer to the rock inside me

a chunk comes away and its sharp and brittle

you hold out your hands like its precious

thank you for being gentle with me

[cirrionderpebbles]

Warsan Shire, from "For Women Who Are Difficult to Love"

[cirrionderpebbles]

Hands

On the days I want nothing more than

to urge on the hands tearing me apart

I find someone who lets me squeeze til they

have no more blood in left their fingers

just to know they are real

and I am too