cobwebsandmirrors

[cobwebsandmirrors]

Here we go again...

National Novel Writing Month. Something I did maybe five years ago before leaving home... and now I’m doing it again.

Good luck to me?

[cobwebsandmirrors]

I hate asking for help. I know it's healthy. I know it's okay. I know everyone needs it sometimes. But I hate asking for help.

KS // “I’m not enough”

[cobwebsandmirrors]

My head knows. Why can't my heart learn?

KS // “I never learn.”

[cobwebsandmirrors]

There isn't any joy in the world around me. I search and search but nothing seems to matter. Where did it go?

KS // “Where did it all go?”

[cobwebsandmirrors]

I'm a magnificent liar. I managed to convince someone who had no reason to believe me that it was different this time. That this time I would change. I would be better. I lied to myself. And I'm not sure I'll believe next time.

KS // “Lying”

[cobwebsandmirrors]

It always costs. If I leave. If I stay. If I choose. If I don't. It always costs. You.

KS // “Indecision”

[cobwebsandmirrors]

I wonder if there will ever be a time when I don't feel like running away.

KS // “Tired”

[cobwebsandmirrors]

I can never win. If I stay away, I hurt you with my distance. If I stay close, I hurt you with my presence. You will always be hurt.

KS // How do I choose?

[cobwebsandmirrors]

My mind is in knots. I can only hope there's sanity lost in the tangle.

KS // Thinking too much

[cobwebsandmirrors]

Scared

I never know how to speak for myself. I'm too afraid to know how people will take it. I always look for the right answer, the perfect phrase to make sure everything turns out right for everyone. Maybe that's why writing always appealed to me, the eraser and the backspace always allowing me a second chance.

But life doesn't work like that. Words can't be taken back. You don't get a redo. Words spoken to another will make an impact, and there's nothing you can do once they're out.

And it hurts me to think about hurting those around me. So I don't say anything.

But it hurts them anyway. I know it does. When they pour their hearts out to you and you don't say anything, it hurts them. I know. But I also know that the wrong words will hurt them too.

And the circle continues. The spiral descends. And all I know doesn't change the fact that I'm hurting them.

So I suppose the only way is to speak. And hope beyond words that they are stronger than I'll ever be.

[cobwebsandmirrors]

I'm not sure. I broke it all. But is there a chance, That you'll forgive me still?

KS // “Hoping for a miracle.”

[cobwebsandmirrors]

Where will I go when the lights finally go out?

KS // “Searching in the dark.”

[cobwebsandmirrors]

I miss you. I think I always will. But the wind carried you away, And here I am, still.

KS // “Watching the wind.”

[cobwebsandmirrors]

The candles are going out, one by one. The darkness outside closes in. I lie awake, watching time creep on, And pray for dawn to begin.

KS // “Little lights”

[cobwebsandmirrors]

Everything ends. The way you get there is what matters.

KS // “Journey before destination.”

[cobwebsandmirrors]

I write what I can never say.

KS // “Noise on a page”

[cobwebsandmirrors]

Peace is a far off memory.

KS // “Awake in the dark.”