confessions-of-a-doormat

[confessions-of-a-doormat]

imagine publicly complaining about how much you hate someone and then expecting that they should still let you use their work. fucking wild.

tumblr is a public platform. what you say and do has consequences, including people not wanting to interact with you and not wanting you to interact with them.

someone blocking you doesn’t mean they’re being mean or taking something away from you. they are curating their experience. you have no inherent right to anyone’s blog.

[confessions-of-a-doormat]

callout post for my EX-best-friend-forever jimmy.

he told me that i was his best friend, and then he went and told tanya SHE was his best friend

last week, he called me, and i quote, “a poopyface” (edit: yes, he apologized, but i don’t think he really meant it)

he hasn’t returned the toy i let him borrow on the playground yesterday

he picks his nose (YUCK)

i heard that he threw a tantrum when he was 2

my imaginary friend Rocky told me that jimmy punched him!

i don’t like him anymore

for all these reasons i think everybody should shun jimmy at recess today. make sure spread this to everyone else in Ms. Anderson’s kindergarten class!

[confessions-of-a-doormat]

i hate being wrong. i think we all hate that feeling. your face flushes and you have this feeling in your stomach. but now, i’ve been learning that it’s ok to be wrong, and what’s important is recognizing it. not every single mistake i make is being put on blast, friends aren’t telling me their concerns to shame me. it’s probably harder for them to say something than it is for me to hear it. and despite my initial anxious reaction, i can take some time to calm myself before responding or thinking about what’s next. instead of the need to explain or prove i’m right, i can say i’m sorry, here’s what i can do to be better, thank you for telling me. it’s stressful, but i want there to be open conversation. i don’t want any of us to keep our fears and anger pent up until it blows over. this is not the end of the world, even if some past experiences are me feel like it. people who are really my friends care about me and care about growth.

[confessions-of-a-doormat]

something about figuring out identity, especially with regards to race/ethnicity and the “do i count” of it all

is like. how i identify doesn’t necessarily change my experiences. how connected i am to my culture does. and i still face racism and need people and places to talk about it regardless.

the downsides in my head are how does it affect how i treat others? am i taking resources from people who are more visibly BIPOC? am i going to speak over or be put above others?

but learning and engaging more with how different people experience racism, especially the types that don’t affect me, helps me feel more comfortable in a way. a lot of experiences or feelings are shared, and i am able to better understand them because of my own experiences. i can make sure i don’t speak over others who have it worse than me, and understand the privilege i have from being white-passing. i can still try to uplift voices of other BIPOC, and i know there are plenty of resources that are not limited or actually grow bigger with more people.

it kinda feels like an approach i took in early college years when trying to better connect with my culture. my dad had always been so strict about exact rules of certain rituals but also ignored others. and his general abusiveness made it hard to enjoy being who i am and acknowledge the features i have that come from him. but once i was out of the house, i was able to explore my identity with peers who shared it, learn more about my and my family’s history, and be more involved in every part of it. i was able to find joy from it again like my grandma had instead of the bad parts of it from my dad and from the discrimination we all faced. i was able to come at it from the other side.

how i identify doesn’t change all that much aside from finding broader community spaces. regardless, i still have work to do to address my unconscious and societal biases. idk if it makes sense, but that’s sort of a comfort to me, that it doesn’t change much. it makes me feel less conflicted about who i am and where i fit in life. i can approach it from the other side, to still recognize issues but even on a more complex level, and in a way that makes me feel less alone.

[confessions-of-a-doormat]

i know you can be angry.

but can you be kind? can you be supportive? can you listen to people? can you take physical action? can you help someone you hate, because they’re a person too? can you find time for joy amongst all the fear and sadness?

most importantly, can you be all of it more than the anger? anger can incentivize us but when there is injustice, anger against those doing the injustice is not the point. the point is providing support and safe places for those who are hurt by it. the point is kindness. the point is peace and love. please.

[confessions-of-a-doormat]

i think syscourse is just Dr. Seuss’s sneeches.

[confessions-of-a-doormat]

Recently saw a post comparing the use of the term RAMCOA to the use of the term Asperger’s, suggesting that if we can recognize Asperger’s is a harmful term, then we can recognize RAMCOA is too.

And I’d like to offer my perspective here as a Jewish system who has talked about this with multiple other Jewish systems.

TL;DR: I find the comparison upsetting and kind of offensive.

So, looking into the history of RA as a term it does come from the SRA of the Satanic Panic, which contained antisemitic themes and stereotypes.

Asperger’s was created by a literal nazi who used the category to determine which autistics got to live longer than others in the Holocaust.

They are not the fucking same.

My friends and I can admit that perhaps the term OEA should replace RAMCOA, but the comparison of it to Asperger’s makes it sound like RAMCOA is a worse term (it’s not, nowhere near it) and uses Holocaust comparison and Jewish trauma just to serve someone’s own purpose or wants for the community.

Stop it. And others in the syscourse community, please don’t take this shit from a single person’s claims at face value. I’m tired of my family’s and culture’s generational trauma being appropriated for so many arguments, especially when people will turn around and go straight to being antisemitic themselves.

[confessions-of-a-doormat]

I love this convo and the insight you’re giving into your experiences with fusion and your perspectives of your plurality after it.

Also side note that I want to mention is that being fused doesn’t make you a singlet not only because of your past experiences (though it is an important point) but also because of the fact alters and splits are still a possibility, even in fused systems.

Further, I feel fused systems are such an important part of the community. I’m sorry you’re being pushed out by so many, but I want you to know a lot of people appreciate you and your experiences. Functionally multiple and fused systems are at a place in their journey where they’ve learned a lot and have a lot of advice others can learn from. You give me hope that I might have that some day.

The plural community has a major problem with how it treats final fusion and systems who are fully fused.

If you ever wonder why you don't meet many fully fused systems in the community, part of it is because we are actively pushed out of the community.

People have been really shitty towards me ever since I hit final fusion in January. My friends who are fully fused have also experienced similar.

I feel like I can't talk about my experiences at all in a lot of spaces. When I do, I feel like I have to put in extra effort to word myself carefully, and even then it doesn't really help. It doesn't matter how much I say "everyone's experiences are different" or "this is how it is for me personally", people act weird towards me just because I am fully fused. I can't just talk about my experiences with my system like everyone else and it's really draining and frustrating.

People assume that because I am fully fused I will be pushy about fusion or even force fusion onto other systems. People say they are intimidated by me and don't want to talk to me because I am fully fused. People tell me about how horrible they think fusion is and how it's murder. People say they feel bad for fused systems because they think all fused systems are tricked into fusion and about how parts language is dehumanizing and abuse. People say I must hate myself or hate being a system because I chose final fusion. People say they don't believe in final fusion existing at all and that it's unhealthy to believe in it, that fused systems are just systems pretending to be singlets, and that we just need to deal with our internalized ableism and accept we're plural.

People even assume I'm "sysmed" because I am fully fused and use parts language. I have been vocally pro-endo the entire time I've been in system spaces. Hell, I myself am endogenic.

My very belonging in the plural community is constantly in question. I have witnessed numerous debates over the years about whether fully fused systems should be allowed in the community at all, or be allowed to talk about system experiences... because we "chose to be singlets". I've even seen people suggest that we are "appropriating" systemhood by talking about it because we are "no longer systems and have no right to talk about what being a system is like".

"No singlets should be allowed to talk about system experiences or be allowed in system communities, and that includes fully fused individuals" was and still is a major stance here on tumblr, as well as several discord servers I've been in.

I'm constantly expected to censor or completely not talk about my experiences at all because I am fully fused. Final fusion is on the blacklist for a lot of plural servers, and on tumblr a lot of folks get asked to trigger warn anything mentioning final fusion. This isn't something that really happens for any other form of DID recovery. This is specifically targeted at final fusion.

Yes, I understand that there are systems who are pressured to fuse and that it may be a triggering topic for these systems; at the same time, the plural community fosters a lot of fear and shame around final fusion by barring any talk of it and framing it as a negative thing, and it is rarely taken into consideration how triggering it is for many fully fused systems like myself to not be allowed to speak about our experiences and be treated like our existence needs to be hidden and censored, especially when we constantly see others talking very poorly of us and our experiences on top of that.

I get told I'm wrong about my own experiences as a fully fused system or about my thoughts on functional multiplicity and final fusion by systems who are neither fully fused nor functionally multiple, many of whom have never even spoken to a system who is or read about our experiences at all. People in the community are extremely black-and-white about it, and when I talk about how from my experience functional multiplicity and final fusion aren't actually a strict binary, people are very quick to tell me about how they're completely different experiences when they haven't even experienced it or even really know anything about it.

There's so much misinformation in the community about final fusion and it really fucking sucks.

It's so painful hearing my fully fused friends talk about how many of them have been chased out of the community or know folks who have been.

Plural community, be better for fused systems.

[confessions-of-a-doormat]

i am done. i am done putting in effort before anyone else does and after they refuse to listen or disrespect me or don’t even fucking tell me when something’s wrong. i am done trusting fucking anyone until they’ve given me a reason to trust them. and i’m done with almost everyone in my fucking life unless they start acting fucking better and more mature. i am not putting in anything, i am leaving them behind.

i need to have people. i really need friends. i really need people who support and love me.

but god, i can’t keep fucking doing this. and every time i love someone or open up to them or trust them shit goes badly. sometimes it’s a few months sometimes a few years sometimes a fucking decade. but it doesn’t last and my heart cannot be broken over and over and over and over and over again.

fuck this

[confessions-of-a-doormat]

i think a lot of things i’ve seen in certain types of activism comes from this situation of anger but also powerlessness. and i’m not talking about people directly affected by an issue. i mean people who are unaffected, who are completely separated from it (and may even take some part in perpetuating systems of injustice) who see horrible, awful things. and they get really upset, justifiably. then they realize that after awareness is widespread, if they don’t have financial means, there’s not much else actual action they can do.

so they fight, hard. posts and protest, some of which do help, but some of which don’t have any real goals. i’ve seen and been to helpful protests, ones that aim to do something, pressure a very particular group of people in power, ones that often work. i’ve seen and even been to others, where the main purpose is to be angry, to stand against something. and i’ve seen some that get so caught up in anger instead of support that they end up doing more harm than good.

i know it sucks to feel like u can’t do more. but u can find ways to help in a better way. u can engage in advocacy that doesn’t insist on revenge, u can engage in advocacy that may be quieter, but will help more people.

if there’s already widespread awareness for an issue, you can:

- financially give to official organizations that provide physical aid, legal support, etc. for the people you’re fighting for (or unofficial people, but i recommend verifying or creating a simple process to verify it’s not a scam or a bot. i say this because i’ve been tricked before and i don’t want others to be)

- donate materials needed! a lot of social justice groups need stuff other than money too, and often offer a list of things that can be donated

- find what u can do locally. not just a protest with no stated reason but a protest or action with specific goals. what policies in place in your area are actively hurting the cause you’re fighting for? can you phone/e-mail elected officials to let them know how important this cause is to you and that they need to help this cause to gain your support?

- educate! yourself and others. and NO, DO NOT FOCUS ON EDUCATION THROUGH UNSOURCED INFOGRAPHICS. i’ve seen so many with misinfo or info that cannot be fact-checked because they provide no sources. educate urself on the history of the issue your fighting for. try to find information from unbiased sources, or else multiple points of view so u can use it to create ur own perspective. this also helps ensure you know what ur talking about and that people know the main causes of the issue, the best ways to help, and what people affected by it need.

- be kind. i’m sure you know, at least tangentially if not directly, people being personally affected by this issue. offer support and an ear to listen. help them to feel safe and loved. please.

also a note that if ur trying to convince someone on a different side of an issue than you or who u don’t think is fighting hard enough, hate and anger is not the way to go. people can be bigots, and sometimes it’s not worth it to put ur energy into educating them. but if u think someone is doing things accidentally or being ignorant or just has never had a chance to research other points of view outside their own, try to greet them with understanding. hate and anger pushes people away and farther into a direction they shouldn’t be going down. from what i’ve seen, people most change their mind through respectful conversations. ask them why they feel a certain why or why they haven’t been helping. offer ways for them to learn or ways to help that are achievable for them if they’re struggling in some particular way.

i think too often social justice issues become a chess game to those unaffected, and it’s hard for people to understand this is real life, and that everyone involved is a real person. today my indigenous studies prof was talking about the ways some outside people try to solve issues in her nation without realizing the complexities to it and how some solutions are plain hurtful, and many won’t work without tools and feasible alternatives to what’s currently going on. she talked about wanting people to just learn to listen to lived experience and help in a way that has a plan and actual positive results. it’s all too important to our future to consider what happens beyond the now.

[confessions-of-a-doormat]

someone remind me to make a post i’ve been meaning to make in like 4 hours

[confessions-of-a-doormat]

i think an underrated part of growing up is kindness. a lot of people tend to think of kindness as being naive but i honestly think it often shows maturity.

when ur younger it feels easier to get caught up in discourse and in right and wrong and scrutinizing every little thing

as you grow older, u get more life experience. u see how things can be complex, u see how being patient with people and listening does a lot more to plead ur case than calling them names and shaming them. u learn that not having an opinion is not, in fact, the worst thing in the world, especially when you are open to learning from those around u who do and to research and history. u learn how some of the little things we fight over are non-issues irl, because people exist as they are, and arguing over whether or not they technically can be doesn’t change them.

there’s of course a lot of nuance to everything, but learning to be kind is so fucking important. learning to listen to people, learning to understand them and their point of view, and learning how to explain yours in a kind and calm way does wonders for changing the world. please remember that.

[confessions-of-a-doormat]

i think an underrated part of growing up is kindness. a lot of people tend to think of kindness as being naive but i honestly think it often shows maturity.

when ur younger it feels easier to get caught up in discourse and in right and wrong and scrutinizing every little thing

as you grow older, u get more life experience. u see how things can be complex, u see how being patient with people and listening does a lot more to plead ur case than calling them names and shaming them. u learn that not having an opinion is not, in fact, the worst thing in the world, especially when you are open to learning from those around u who do and to research and history. u learn how some of the little things we fight over are non-issues irl, because people exist as they are, and arguing over whether or not they technically can be doesn’t change them.

there’s of course a lot of nuance to everything, but learning to be kind is so fucking important. learning to listen to people, learning to understand them and their point of view, and learning how to explain yours in a kind and calm way does wonders for changing the world. please remember that.

[confessions-of-a-doormat]

something weird i’ve been going through is self-perception in regards to race/ethnicity. like, i am an ethnic minority, yet having been really pale all my life, i have always considered myself white, and i benefit from white privilege.

on the other hand, that privilege can be taken away from me so easily. if people know what i am - even if they don’t - and make racist remarks about me or people like me. or sometimes they’ll confuse me for a person of an entirely different nonwhite race and so then i face racism not even towards my culture but others’. my dad was often bullied for not being white. my last name would be different if it weren’t for relentless racism leading my grandparents to change it.

and even with all this i still for a long time have considered myself fully white. but a strange thing seems to happen where the more racism i face in my day to day life the more my perceptions change about whether i count as a POC.

and it’s really complicated. and this post isn’t here for discourse or shit i don’t want that. it’s just thoughts, about being stuck in an in-between place. i’m targeted too much to fit in with white people but i am pale enough i don’t feel i face as much struggle as BIPOC. and i feel this in-between place is something that happens to a fair number of other people i talk to, and it’s funny sometimes because we’ll be talking, and each sees the other two as POC but not themselves.

idk much what this post is for. maybe just wondering if there are others than me and some of my friends who feel the same, or who have figured out how to deal with the in-betweenness of it all

[confessions-of-a-doormat]

(PUBLISHING OLD DRAFTS THAT ARE GOOD / INTERESTING; This was written in June 2023)

Subtle Model Minority thing pervasive in society is that a lot of "not racist or bigotted people" are a lot more comfortable ignoring or arguing your requests to not say or do problematic things because often Model Minorities are in that shitty middle ground of not being white so racists still hate you and not Loudly Victimized to be treated like a "real minority".

[confessions-of-a-doormat]

”[member of minority group] said it’s racist, but it’s not! it’s only racist if you’re saying it specifically about [minority group]”

you do know people use other words than the name of or slurs towards a minority group to degrade them right? like how some people say “thugs” in a way that says they’re talking about Black people, who they see as inherently violent. or how some people call Muslims “terrorists” or say “the terrorists are doing X because [racist stereotype]” when they are literally not talking about terrorists but a whole minority group of people. you know context matters right?

furthermore, you know people you disagree with don’t deserve bigotry right? you know no one deserves bigotry, and having different opinions on certain things doesn’t mean a person is automatically wrong about something being racist or discriminatory, right?

[confessions-of-a-doormat]

I will make one tulpacourse post

But if you are someone saying "Tulpamancy is cultural appropriation, you should listen to POC and Buddhists" but also push the line "the only way to be plural is through trauma and DID" then I actually dislike you more than the tulpamancers and you are also 1) being racist or at least incredibly culturally insensitive to POC and Buddhists and 2) are using us as a token to push your narrative and it is very much not appreciated

If you want to have a genuine talk about Buddhism, Cultural Appropriation, Orientalism and what not, we love it. If you want to talk about listening and respecting POC and Buddhist voices, we love it

But if you only care about those topics when it serves your narrative, I unironically find you the more annoying person between two individuals who disrespect Buddhist and AAPI

Sincerely a AAPI Buddhist that engages in most branches of Mahayan Buddhism (Tibetian included)