cornishcharlie-blog

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It's a Trap!

So, why is it that you an do something you love during the week, that you know is what you were meant to do and that you enjoy (most of the time), and yet still feel trapped?

My drive in this morning consisted of clear blue skies, plenty of time for my mind to wonder constructively and a surface feeling of calmness. I can't put my finger on it but rather than spend the day doing what I love in the weather that I love, I'd rather be at home working infront of a screen in a brightly lit room, with my dogs on the bed behind me.

Puzzled. But, on with the day. Recently I heard the line 'if you are determined to have a good day, you will' so that I shall do.

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That Friday Feeling

Is, today, total bull.

Today I feel like the weather, dark, miserable and forcefully unpredictable. This week has been a struggle for me with plans changing, injury and of course (mental) illness.

With conflicting thoughts on a potential event for the future, my brain is in continuous somersaults and I can't seem to get to my feet.

At present I am trying to steady my gaze and focus only on what I know or can control, which for once is certain aspects of my job. Each day I make efforts to engage my brain in at least one positive aspect I can identify within my role, and sometimes it does help.

Right now I'm grateful for the flexibility of creating my own schedule, as it means I can hide in the office from this grossly mimmicing weather.

Here's to a day of indoor productivity, or as much as one can gain from the confines of tungsten lights and laptop screens.

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It’s Been A While...

So it’s been ages since I last updated this, and frankly I feel disappointed in myself that I’ve had the need to do so.  Today has been a whirlwind of a day, starting full of excitement from the snow and prospect of working from home, turning into a gloomy day stuck in my head and unable to process normal human function without some description of negative association or emotion. 

So an update: where am I? Well, without checking further back on my account I have no idea where I left things, so I’ll start a little while back. Until August 2018 I was in a traineeship with my local Wildlife Trust, where I was eagerly plugging away at gaining all experiences and skills I could muster. Due to the nature of voluntary contracts I knew I needed to move onwards and upwards, and as of August last year I landed not only my first proper ‘career’ job, but it turned out to be the opportunity of a lifetime.  I now work at an airport. Not for the airport, but at it; driving around to the areas of land owned on the outskirts, and managing the habitat. It’s what I want to do, but it has its ups and downs. 

Things have been tricky since I last updated. I’ve had councilling for my mental health, we’ve moved house, struggled with money and had a growing tension in my relationship. So, here I am. Post-councilling and thinking I was on a New Year High when in reality, January hit me like a tonne of bricks and I find myself staggering into February wondering what I’ve done with my time so far this year. 

I come across all sorts of blog posts and YouTube videos of people sharing their positivity of both mind and body, and it can be inspiring; yet at the same time, its strangers who all have different circumstances to me which makes it less applicable to my own frame of mind. 

In an attempt to tackle the fragile state my mind appears to be in at present I have begun to adopt a series of new habits. Some of them are going well, others are not. I’ve been trying to routinely write journal entries in a diary designed to highlight the positive aspects of your life; in doing so I’ve been deliberately not noting the negative parts of my days but I feel like I’m beginning to need to address them: so here I am.

Hopefully, the fear of revealing too much on public internet platforms will encourage me to think properly about what I view as negative: my fear of being judged and thought ill of could come in handy: if I can tell the negative stories in a manner less negative than I imagined them, then maybe they weren’t that bad after all. So here’s hoping that I can actually use this as a way of venting; productively of course.

Happy New Year Tumblr, and good health to you all.

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Total Bull

So it turns out this moving and getting on with life is absolute bull. I spent the first 3 1/2 months with my mind pulling the "extended holiday" card on me, whilst Christmas set me back to remember how real my new life is. Well, great.

I know they say New Year, New You but I was not expecting the new me to be so depressed, secluded and stressed all.the.time!

I mean sure, I've got a fantastic chance to improve my future with the traineeship withing the wildlife trust (BBOWT), but I also have a paid job that I no longer find myself capable of maintaining excitement for. As each day passes through the week I dread Friday. I dread waking up later to spend a day inside away from the freezing wind or buckets of rain.

No. What I really dread is facing colleagues with a superiority complex, who challenge everything you are and do because they can. I dread trying to make connections with colleagues who I know could help my anxiety but knowing they deem a friendship "inappropriate". I dread the remarks from customers who belittle you as an invalid member of the company because you only work there 2 days a week.

Today, my day looked like this:

And it was lovely. We had snow, we had brilliant sun, we got loads of work done and done well, and then I came home.

Which I also dread.

I'm expected to adjust to up routing 250 miles from the only 4 walls I've lived in my entire life, to begin 2 new jobs with not 1 person I know, live with 2 people around whom I become more uncomfortable with each passing day, and still perform the same routine without a hiccup. Well, I call bull.

Not going to happen. No sir.

Can't do it. As tonight proves. I sit tonight downstairs uncomfortably squeezed onto an uncomfortable chair, typing my frustration out. I should be in bed, cuddling my dogs and partner for whom I am here in the first place. I should be dreaming of the wonders my future holds.

But not tonight.

Tonight I crave a remedy. Something, anything, to fix me. To let me live my new life the way I lived my old one. Day to day, stress free and happy. Is that really too much to ask!? Apparently.

Let's hope tomorrow I can pretend to be as happy as I genuinely was today.

[cornishcharlie-blog]

Happy new year! So things have been a roller-coaster of stress, success, health and dying over the last few weeks hence a lack of time online. Christmas was as any family Christmas is, alright. Having finally gotten over my latest and most severe illness I am on track to putting my best foot forward for the year ahead. Though I don't particularly participate in new years resolutions, I have been becoming more confident in my time in Berkshire to start encouraging myself to be better. I aim to read more, be more active and more involved within the house. I aim to spend more time on myself, the dogs and Stuart. Time to start with a good read that's taken me far too long to get through.

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Night in with the puppies Chewy> Chewy Bean Sophie(docked tail) > Sophie Stump > Stumpy > Stumple Bumpkin > Bumpy

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Day 64

Today as I write I am content. With life, with my abilities and with my opportunities.

I write whilst my long-awaited junky, binging,  freezer-food dinner cooks: a small kind of reward for everything I’ve been through lately.  Having travelled home to Cornwall for a week on Monday, along with my uncle, we all find ourselves getting tattered at the edges, tired and patterned with a join-the-dots puzzle of bruises. The first job of the week was to re-roof my chicken sheds, as one had completely lost its felt with perfect timing prior to winter. 3 days later and we moved on to relocating my geese into the field behind the house. 

Play time.

Utilising my newly aquired level 2 chainsaw license, I set to work clearing the lower branches of the tree belt where my geese will have their house. The ducks have had their pond pumped out completely and refilled, along with 3 enourmous chunks of iris, hauled from my filtration pond (attempted “duck-ponics system).  This afternoon was a period for reflection, on my abilities to withstand difficult times and tasks, and always seem to push through them with my head held high. Frankly I believe it to be the “fake it ‘till you make it” concept which does it for me.  Still, must stay positive. I’m squeaky clean from a nicely boiling bath, accomplished a lot, had cuddles with my puppies and I still have plenty of time to get the rest of my jobs done.

Success.

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Day 56 - The Struggle

Today adds to what has been a rough week.

Sunday (my day off) was spent laid up in bed unable to move about due to being ill.  Monday (day off no.2) was spent pulling a long shift at work (8am-5:45pm) humping shelves around and generally doing a lot of physically and mentally exhausting work.  Yesterday showed a promising yet cold and wet working day, followed up by a tense and unhappy evening, aggrevated by bad traffic and arguments.  Today leaves me brooding over rights and wrongs from a follow-up argument, battling my wills to push blame blindly. Tonight I write with anger, despression, and sadness. 

Is it all my fault? Am I in the wrong? What if I’m right? How do I fight my corner without pushing people away? Should I push my corner? Is it all worth it? What is “it” leading to? 

So many questions tonight and I find the only way I can answer them is with a crystal ball, an ocean of patience and a silo-full of Ben & Jerries. 

Which reminds me, off to contemplate extending my home-visit on Saturday for the rest of my life over the rest of my Half Baked! 

[cornishcharlie-blog]

Day 34

Today could not have come soon enough.  As I write, I’m finishing the last dregs of my limescale-y tea, nursing a full-term food baby from my first ever omlette. Not being a fan of eggs, this was forced upon me from the desire to have another br-unch to compete with yesterday, the greased-up dish of heaven-in-a-bun you see above. 

This week has been slightly more than stressful, for many reasons.

Starting with the favourite of my two jobs, with the Berkshire, Buckinghamshire and Oxfordshire Wildlife Trust (BBOWT), I have spent my mid-week travelling 3hrs a day to complete my first training course, First Aid at Work. Having only had 1 week to settle back into employment after 3 months without it, this was a hard-hitting use of my time. Busy traffic, unfamiliar routes and a SatNav which changes its mind as it goes was just the start of my day with 8 hours of memory intensive learning. Thankfully this experience was softened by the enjoyment of such a course, and the addition of my first (not from Cornwall) friend. 

Jump to Friday/Saturday where I begin my second week of paid work with Maidenhead Aquatics, and it’s in at the deep end with store rearrangements, water everywhere, and problems to be solved in between the tidal waves of customers. Though a much more familiar territory to me than BBOWT, this weekend was by no means any more relaxing! 

Lay in Sunday? Think again! Up and out of the door at 8am for Stuart to have his first American Football game, and then back to the house to house-sit whilst the painter is in! 

Hence Today. Sweet, relaxing, long-awaited Today. No alarm, tea in bed, cuddles with my dogs, and food-baby br-unch for 12pm. The painter isn’t in ‘till later in the day, so I can get on with relaxing, looking through recipe books for the week ahead, and getting cuddles from my favourite pair of fluff-balls. 

A sleepy goodbye from Charlie, Chewy and Sophie. 

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Day 14, The Resurfacing

So yesterday won. 

Yesterday, emotion got the better of me, and my bottle broke. So I replaced it with one filled with wine, and then emptied it. Thankfully, those closest to me are always by my side when I need them, no matter where in the country they or I may be.

As if to conquer myself and life, I woke this morning with possibly the fewest ill effects from a bottle of wine I’ve ever suffered. Presently, the sun is shining, the dogs and flat out like rugs, and the breeze from the garden freshens the air. 

20th September saw my Mum visit from Cornwall, with the last of our required posessions for the coming 4 years. A welcome family reunion on 21st meant the concreting of plans for one Uncle to visit Cornwall with me upon my next return, and the other to see a long-lost Sister and Neice, restricted from visits due to petrol costs and a large quantity of miles. 

As conversation progressed to the area in which I now find myself living, I observed that I had noted a lack of avian inhabitance within our housing complex - peaking at 2 pigeons and 1 pied wagtail. Much to my delight, upon installing my bird feeder on 22nd I have since been rewarded with a superbly more diverse range of wildlife than I had allowed myself to hope for!

Currently the list of visitors to my garden has rocketed to 1 exceptionally ballsy brown rat with a cute belly and excellent climbing skills, 2 squabbling Great Tits, 1 fleeting visit from a Robin, and 2 Blue Tits. 

For all the hurdles I have and am yet to conquer, it is comforting to know that despite the barren exterior of suburbia, there is afterall a little piece of Country with me, no matter where I am. 

Chewy, Sophie and Charlie OUT.

Take care x

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13th September marks the day it becomes official.

Our belongings are, by now, all installed in Reading save a clown-car full of last minute essentials and, of course, girls-best-friend(s).

Since Murphy likes to enforces his Laws at the most inconvenient of moments, my morning was filled with emergency vet visits, and a lot of instruction writing in order to leave my much loved hen, Chip, in the (hopefully) capable hands of my Brother and Father. Tears of sadness and not-so-eager anticipation accompanied my farewells to any remaining furry, feathery and scaly members of my family.

A short drive up the A30 saw a welcome stop for the dogs in the form of a 90 minute hike through woodland-wonderland at Cardinham. By this point, the pain in my back from 3 nights sleeping on a reclining sofa had reached peak. With ough to do but persist in the pursuit of the forgiving embrace of my memory foam matress, we continued, aching.

Relieving the dogs with an additional stop at Gordano services, we pressed on whilst discussing the least stressful method of unloading the car and settling the dogs into their new home. Having drawn the short straw, I was destined to risk my life ambling through the diminishing light, a dog in each hand pulling me in opposite directions, whilst attempting to retain control over my mind versus the matter of a pressing bladder and lack of warm layers. Being pushed in at the deep end, however, allowed me to float above the sinking feeling that some unfavourable event would cut my life short whilst walking alone for the first time through a new city.

Introductions between dogs and housemates successfully complete, the lacking support of a second-hand arm chair is exchanged for the long awaited reunion between my spine and matress; the enjoyment of which limited by the accompaniment of 2 extra, very furry, bodies to an already-occupied double bed