cottonpuffxii

[cottonpuffxii]

via weheartit

[cottonpuffxii]

it’s been a while

a blog is weird. like anybody in the world could read what i write here and would know me better than my closest of friends, because although i don’t tell people this, i’m a pretty closed book, like with a lock on it. i don’t trust easily, and sometimes i wonder if that’s why i avoid both friendly and romantic relationships. because maybe i just don’t have the capacity for them. maybe i’m just too much for life. or maybe life is just too much for me.

[cottonpuffxii]

romeo?

where for art thou romeo?

nah, i’m just pulling your leg

but honestly what’s up with love anyways

it’s causes people pain or loss of dignity

they plead, they cry, they beg

to keep what is described, a beautiful emotion

what’s the point of love anyways

does it really feel so great

does it bring out the best in the worst days

or may it highlight the worst of the best

love is just a concept

a concept for one to perceive

if everyone is after love

then why are many so afraid to receive?

[cottonpuffxii]

I’m weird, I guess

As in my last posts, I guess I’ve had a lot of things having to do with relationships, love, and lust, swirling through my mind lately, between my best friend and long time crush getting together to our girls-ask-guys winter formal approaching. I think I’ve finally come to terms with me not being ready for a relationship. My best friend has always tried to play matchmaker for me, and hook me up with guys she thinks I’d be cute with, but I never wanted to really get involved with any of them. Upon thinking deeply about, the last time I really wanted to kiss someone that I had a crush on was in 2nd grade, when I was in my friend Adam’s basement with him, alone, sitting on the “gaming” chairs that rock back and forth. We were playing Doodle Jump of all things, and I had my head on his shoulder, and I really truly though about kissing him. But I didn’t, because his sister came downstairs, and I just acted normal. But I thought about it, and a scenario like that hasn’t happened since. I sort of had a boyfriend for a few days in 5th grade, but he was my best friend and it happened right after I had moved 500 miles away. He’s gay now. I’m still best friends with him, but he’s gay now. Not sure if that traumatized me or something, like maybe it told my subconscious that I would never be able to love anyone who was able to love me the same way back. But I’ve still had crushes since then, I’ve just never really wanted to act on them and date the guys. Now, I just make excuses to my parents that “I’m not interested,” or that “I’m actively off the market,” but really, I just don’t think I’m ready, both mentally and physically, to have a relationship.

[cottonpuffxii]

an explanation/decoding

as shown by my last post, from about an hour ago, i’m drowning in emotions right now, and to put it simply, it’s because my best friend and my crush of 3 years, are into each other. she has known i’ve liked him for this long and tonight, she snap chatted my saying that she thinks she likes him. i don’t want to get in the way of his or her happiness but it’s honestly left me so broken and distraught that i can’t even sleep 2 hours after taking a sleeping pill. i just have no idea what to do, how to feel about it, or even how to keep myself from bursting into tears during finals tomorrow. if anyone has advice, i’d appreciate it.

[cottonpuffxii]

Isn’t it weird how you can actually feel the pain in your chest and stomach when something really hurts your feelings

[cottonpuffxii]

late night chaos

i want it to stop. the pounding of my heart when i hear about him and someone else. the throbbing of my brain where there is a tear in my fathomed impossibility. the hatred that convulses through me when that tear escalated to a complete shredding of my euphoric dream. the moisture that seeps from my eyes when i’m brought back to reality. is it over yet? the emotions keep flooding back, but i’m done. i’m broken. you left me broken. and this time, i can’t put myself back together

[cottonpuffxii]

what’s wrong with me?

I am 15 and life doesn’t seem worth it. I don’t feel suicidal, because I am pretty sure I am too squeamish to ever go through with it and I just couldn’t do that to my family. I just kind of feel like life is a blurry waste, with each day coming and going, constantly worrying about grades, money, my social life, my love life, getting material items. I just feel like maybe I’m not strong enough to live through life. Like I don’t feel like I will ever reach a time where it will all get better. High school is hard, college will be harder, having a job and living by myself and being responsible will be hardest, and I’m just not sure I can do it. I don’t think I have the ambition to find a nice job and achieve my bucket list items, or fall in love and get married and have kids. Maybe life would just be easier if death came earlier. I just want all the chaos to stop. I’d rather move in a detailed slow motion that this blurry light speed.

[cottonpuffxii]

Your thoughts or opinions on Harry Potter

I’m a Harry Potter megafan. I own all the books, movies, a few of the film magic books, lanyards, the promotional wands you can buy at Universal and we are going to Universal Orlando to ride the “new” Gringotts ride this spring. It’s honestly an issue. I also have a few shirts, including mone that looks like the Gorillaz “Demon Days” album except it says “Dementor Dayz” and “Gryfinndaz” and has Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Hagrid on it. So yep.

[cottonpuffxii]

Your top three favorite bands

The Postal Service, Twenty One Pilots, and Panic! At the Disco

[cottonpuffxii]

Talk about your pets

If you are a long time follower of mine, you’d know that I have 2 wiener dog/dachshunds who are name Piper (a girl) and Remy (a boy). They give me life and I love them. Piper is a cuddler who likes to cause trouble whether it be instigating a battle with Remy or escaping outside our fence, sending us on a goose chase. Remy is kind of dopey, but he is very long and has a beautiful coat. He is pretty needy and hates when me or my mom leave him because we are his favorites, and he loves to play fetch and tug of war.

remy ^ piper \/

[cottonpuffxii]

favorite meme at the moment

I’m not much of a meme-r person so I’m not that up to date. But literally any of the music video things where it’s like “it’s everyday bro but super distorted” make me laugh so hard.

ex:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K6sXPGuEdm0

[cottonpuffxii]

Are you a fitness guru or a couch potato? Talk about your exercise habits

I’m mostly a couch potato, but i run on our treadmill every once in a while and I’d like to try and join some school sports, and I’m required to take PE this year, so my exercise habits will change quite a bit.

[cottonpuffxii]

How you came across tumblr, and how your life has changed since joining.

I first heard of tumblr on dumb youtube videos that were like “How to be SUPER tumblr” and then I looked into it and made an account and it has really inspired me to live a more beautiful life, and to think more about how I can make everyday an exciting day.

[cottonpuffxii]

your favorite season and why.

My favorite season is fall/autumn, because its when school is back and everyone is still excited to see each other, my birthday is September 16th, and the fall is so pretty for photography because I live near a forest. Also, it’s like the only time of year that I can wear shorts and hoodies and it is acceptable.

[cottonpuffxii]

tell us your three favorite colors

White, because it’s so classy and full of possibility for more addings of different colors

Purple, because it is the mix of two colors commonly known for rivalry, red and blue.

Green, because it represents nature and peace and how we really should leave the Earth rather than destroying it.

[cottonpuffxii]

write about your closest friend

My closest friend is both mentally and physically my closest friend because she lives right up the street from me. She is currently out of town, so I literally have nothing to do all day. She and I cause trouble and I help her sneak out to hang with boys, and I hang out with her and her brother at her house, (who I have the hugest crush on) but don’t tell her that. He falls asleep on me while she and I talk in code about her problems, and my own. All in all, I love her, and she needs to come home before I die of loneliness and boredom.