crackass-squirrel-eater - Tumblr blog

[crackass-squirrel-eater]

Gamers, I’m planning something. I have successfully traveled back in time to the date of the Massacre and have avoided my past-self 12 times. I found a Remington 700 with 4 rounds and am within the barrier of the ancient tribe of tiny forest men. The squirrel has left and burnt alive. Should I find and destroy the soon-to-be last remaining member of the ancient tribe of tiny forest men. Breathe if yes, recite the Bible in Japanese if no.

[crackass-squirrel-eater]

My squirrel stash is running low. I need to venture out for more. Hopefully the reproduction chamber is working. Half of them go towards the harvest though so there may not be as much as I want. The world has seemed… off…

Ever since the massacre of the sacred land I’ve been feeling like something is wrong… There is a remaining member of the Ancient Tribe of Tiny Forest Men alive. I currently do not know his whereabouts…

[crackass-squirrel-eater]

I left one alive… guys… I don’t know where the fuck he went…

[crackass-squirrel-eater]

It’s today I went back and remembered the day that I roasted a squirrel over the dead bodies of the ancient tribe of tiny forest men. After violating the Geneva Convention with chemical warfare related crimes I hunted down the last survivor of the massacre of the sacred land. I, in a sense, was like Ganondorf. I want to a different “sacred” realm and corrupted it into a dark world. There was no life left. I had either eaten everything or used it as ammunition in the war of the sacred land against the ancient tribe of tiny forest men. That day I walked to my house remembering when I used to see little forest men stealing my furniture or nibbling on my bread. Not anymore. The squirrels are safe within my freezer. There will be no stealing back any of my food. YOU HEAR ME?! THE ANCIENT TRIBE OF TINY FOREST MEN ARE GONE AND I WILL BE ABLE TO EAT AND PRODUCE AS MANY SQUIRRELS AS I WANT! GOD STRIKE ME DOWN IF YOU MUST. I SHALL NOT STOP FEASTING. The war was started over the fact that I went and ate a chameleon. The ancient tribe of tiny forest men were upset with this. I “broke a natural order” by hunting, farming, and eating the forest critters. They went and made sure I would never see a chameleon again. I had switched to eating squirrels. After that, the tiny forest people started showing up in my humble cabin. My food went missing. My squirrel wasn’t in the basement freezer. I then captured one of the tiny forest men by putting napalm in my coffee. I lit a rabbit I found on fire and chucked it comedically at the forest man. He went “YAWOWOWOWOWOWOWIE” and ran into my basement. I then filled the room with chloroform. The tiny forest dweller was asleep. I strapped him into a chair and proceeded to inject him with a hallucinogen (with a tiny needle so I didn’t kill him (he was VERY tiny, like halfway up your knee tiny)). The hallucinogen caused him to break. Seeing big chungus twerking in your face for 12 hours does something to a person let alone a tiny forest person. He broke down in tears and told me the location of the portal to the sacred land and the way to activate it. I brought ten water balloons with me. I entered the sacred land and started my rampage. Armed with 12 squirrels, napalm, and a funky lighter I destroyed the sacred groves and forests. The ancient tribe of tiny forest men had nowhere to run. They all retreated back into their village. A forcefield kept big animals like me out. I decided to use the napalm squirrel. I took it out of my pants (I had squirrels in my pants for storage). I lifted it up to look it eye to eye. It’s tiny beady eyes were saying “please don’t eat me there’s another way”. No little buddy, not today. Today you’re going to wake up and smell the ashes. I took out my lighter but after I did that I was shot in the knees by a wooden tank. Its armor piercing rounds hurt like fucking hell. They were tiny but they hurt. While hiding behind a burning tree I came up with a plan. I would take the bleach and ammonia I brought with me and put it in a water balloon. Their tiny village is made of sticks and rocks so eventually something would pop the mustard balloon. I hastily mixed them together whilst being careful not to get any of it on me. The ancient tribe brought out their explosive weapons. I ran out of cover and threw my water (mustard) balloon. That’s when it happened. You could hear it if you were there. Their screams would forever be engrained in my memory. I heard men, women, children, and everything beyond screaming out. I made more balloons and threw them at the unaffected areas. There was havoc. I saw them running through the toxic fumes. The squirrel was watching too. I looked it in the eye, lit it on fire, and then put my gas mask on. I threw the squirrel through the force field, hoping it would make it through and be small enough. It was small enough. The burning squirrel shrieked and ran throughout the village, toppling the homes of the ancient tribe and burning everything in its path. I did the same to three others. That’s how I watched them burn. They all died…

[crackass-squirrel-eater]

Do you ever get hungry from looking at a drawing

[crackass-squirrel-eater]

He’s running from me

[crackass-squirrel-eater]

Berry Flavor

[crackass-squirrel-eater]

TWO

The squirrel as red as blood

[crackass-squirrel-eater]

You will need a couple of items first

ONE

The squirrel as white as cum

[crackass-squirrel-eater]

Yum

Do you bear squirrels for an offering of peace. I shall use them to fuel my crippling addiction to crack cocaine and squirrels

this squirrel has been fed only crack cocaine for his entire life. please enjoy

[crackass-squirrel-eater]

I am your #1 fan

Yes. As long as you bring me 4 items before midnight. 1, the squirrel as white as cum. 2, the squirrel as red as blood. 3, the squirrel as yellow as corn. 4, the squirrel as pure as dinner. Bring me these 4 items at midnight in 3 days time and I can lift the curse to let you have a child.

[crackass-squirrel-eater]

The squirrel died in the glue trap (I’m saving him for dinner)

[crackass-squirrel-eater]

I think the best eeveelution would be if evee turned into a squirrel so I could eat the squirrel and then my hunger would be satisfied for another 30 minutes until I feel the need to feast on another squirrel

Which eeveelution would you say fits your cat best? (because as we (at least I) all know, all cats fit at least one of the eeveelutions)

I think she’d be an espeeon because she’s really smooth and clingy

[crackass-squirrel-eater]

A good feast

[crackass-squirrel-eater]

Cheeto flavor.

[crackass-squirrel-eater]

5,000 calories

[crackass-squirrel-eater]

The squirrel is attempting to escape the freezer. It is currently unsuccessful in doing that