cruelladequeue

[cruelladequeue]

Ask and Receive?

I desired you and I saw you.

A few questions were answered.

A few cravings were satisfied.

Be careful what you ask for. And when you ask, be specific.

I felt cute. I looked cute. I went in…hopeful.

You could not care less. You didn’t even let your eyes settle on me.

I would’ve felt it.

Didn’t you feel me?

You did take your braids out. You wore a new hoodie.

I got what I wanted. Not really.

I have one day, one short window a week to share space with you and even that is limited.

LA is calling you. You’ll answer that call happily but reject mine.

Maybe I’m blocked.

Phone.

Mind.

Heart.

It hurts. I love you so much and you feel…nothing.

Please stop.

That forever haunts me. Sends a shiver through my soul. Re-breaks my heart.

You have the stitches but won’t tend to the wound.

[cruelladequeue]

Limerence

An involuntary state of intense romantic infatuation with someone, often idealized.

I can’t stop thinking about you.

I miss you.

I crave you.

I’m borderline obsessing—

What are you doing?

What did you eat?

How was your day?

Did Rapha piss you off?

Tell me about your team.

Tell me about your music.

Any new songs?

Did you take your braids out?

What are you wearing?

I want to know everything.

I want your smile, your voice, your dimples—

to kiss them.

Definitely want kisses.

I miss them.

The last one was so overdue.

Kissing without the restrictions of fear,

because I’ve fallen.

Hard.

Soft.

And too late.

I look for you in my day.

Anxiously, stupidly waiting for your name to light up my screen.

Text. Call. DM. Something.

Always disappointed.

You don’t think of me.

I don’t exist to you now.

But I’m haunted by you.

I. Miss. You.

Painfully. Bitterly. Sweetly.

I want to be the reason your face lights up.

I want you to scan the room, find me, and grin so wide your cheeks hurt.

I’m blushing, even now, just picturing it.

I’ve lived it.

I felt it.

I’m sorry I played it cool.

Sorry I guarded my heart like it was breakable glass.

I thought I was being smart—

I’ve since heavily questioned that.

You are so precious.

So cute.

So worth every little eye-roll I gave you.

I wasn’t annoyed.

I was trying not to blush like a schoolgirl.

I had a crush.

A big one.

But I played the bully—

Picked. Teased. Protected myself.

Dismissed you

so I wouldn’t melt.

But I did anyway.

Visibly. Internally.

Every time I saw you

[cruelladequeue]

Early Night, No Sleep

Last night, I dreamt —

nightmares and dreams

braided themselves around my throat,

left me breathless,

left me

ten minutes late to my own life.

Blow out your candles —

it’s your birthday.

You’re shining.

You’re celebrating.

I’m sinking.

I’m losing it.

I caved.

I checked your story.

I broke my own heart.

I was doing so well.

I was doing so well.

I deleted you to save myself.

I deleted you,

but you still visit my dreams.

Hope sparked —

Friday, when you looked.

Hope fizzled —

Friday, when you left.

It sucks.

God, it sucks.

I crave you like oxygen.

I ache to tell you everything.

I ache to make new memories with you.

I ache to show you the version of me that was ready.

Ready to fall,

ready to fly,

ready to let go and call it love.

I was ready.

And it fucking sucks.

I tossed and turned.

Sweated through the night.

That blue t-shirt — still unwashed.

The sheets — still heavy with the smell of you.

Today, I’ll celebrate you in silence.

I’ll honor your request.

“Still taking space.”

I’ll honor it.

But God —

I don’t want to.

I want to suffocate you with everything you once begged for.

You asked me to love you louder,

so I learned.

And now —

now you’re gone.

Now you don’t want it.

Now you don’t care.

And I am drowning in everything I never got to give you.

My nightmares were made of fear and blood and fire.

My dreams were made of you.

Just you.

[cruelladequeue]

4 Days Away

Almost that time of year where it’s all about you. The day everyone celebrates your life. Everyone but me.

I miss you. I had plans. I HAD PLANS.

Now I have nothing. I don’t think it will be well received if I send you a “Happy Birthday” text. You don’t want anything from me. I still want everything from you. I want to surprise you. I want you to feel the most special you���ve ever been made to feel. I want to celebrate you. I want to feel your joy, to be part of it.

But I can’t.

I will probably bed rot. Blinds closed, covers up, my “The End 🥀” playlist on repeat.

Bed rotting has been neck and neck with liquor-soaked denial. That is how I have been healing. There is no in between. I have accumulated a pile of socks and panties at the side of my bed. I have been sleeping and sleep sweating in the same blue T-shirt for weeks now. The smell doesn’t bother me. The emptiness of the bed does. You used to sleep there. You used to keep me warm at night. Now, I freeze. I barely notice it.

It fucking sucks.

Life has become a cycle of fake forced smiles, tequila mood enhancers, and a constant need to be “busy” or distracted. Distraction from the fact that I have yet another hole in my spirit to repair. The last one still has stitches and I have already introduced a new wound. I am clearly at risk for infection. I feel it coming on. But I fight it with tequila and distractions.

If you asked how I was doing, I would smile and say great-everything is going really good for me.

That’s a lie.

I am actually not doing great. Everything is shit. I feel and look like shit. I have to fight myself not to reach out to you and it kills me knowing that you never think twice about me. I probably never once cross your mind. But you’re constantly on mine.

I have never been in this position before nor have I ever felt this way before so I don’t know how to handle this. I don’t have an outlet. My friends do not understand. I don’t want or need them to anyway. I need you to understand but you don’t care. That is the most hurtful part-you simply do not care.

Four more days and you hit a new milestone. Four more days and that is four more days that we haven’t spoken. I’ll rot in bed and raise a shot glass like a gravestone- cheers to the version of you I still can’t bury. With tequila. As a distant “cheers” for you. And while you blow out candles, I’ll blow smoke at the ceiling, pretending you still light me up.

[cruelladequeue]

“I love you also means I love you more than anyone loves you, or has loved you, or will love you, and also, I love you in a way that no one loves you, or has loved you, or will love you, and also, I love you in a way that I love no one else, and never have loved anyone else, and never will love anyone else.”

—

[cruelladequeue]

"We are but our burning desires, our deepest pains, our buried shames, our wounds, our scars, our emissaries, our dependents, our pupils, our by-products."

The Art of Healing Part I by Nomi Leasure

[cruelladequeue]

Today was Hard

Today was a hard one. The weather was beautiful and my thoughts kept coming back to you.

Insane isn’t it? The amount of space you consume in my head and my heart.

I daydreamed quite a bit. Fantasized about picking you up and us getting ice cream. Exchanging sticky sweet kisses and enjoying the sunshine together. I couldn’t focus. I had to leave work. I did not drive to your house and I fought the urge to text you.

I did however check your IG page. You posted something about wanting to bottle up a guitar sound. I want to bottle up your smile. If I had that now, I probably would be okay.

There is so much we never got to do. I’ll name a few:

Bath. I love bubble baths. There is nothing I want more than to run us a nice hot one, talk, soak, get clean, and just share the intimacy.

Intimacy. That is what I crave from you. As well as your smile, your touch, hearing you sing in the shower.

Real connection uninterrupted by my traumas and fears. My insecurities. My doubting thoughts. The way I CRAVE you…it’s hard to put into words, but I will try….I ache for you. I need you the way sunshine is needed. The way you need to sing. The way music cheers up a sad soul.

I found my notes section that is dedicated to you in my phone. I debated deleting it. I left it. Maybe you’ll come back? Please come back.

I have a list of songs to request of you to sing at karaoke if given the chance. It’s fine. I will blush and smile and awkwardly stare at my feet as I do. But I will kiss you when your song is over. I will record your performances. I will share them on my pages and smile proudly. I am proud of you, always have been.

I have been driving myself crazy trying to figure out the disconnect. I have my theories and potential reasons.

I am avoidant. That is my attachment style. Loving someone makes me nervous. I have abandonment issues. I am also actively working on them. It would be a terrible lie if I said that a second chance with you would cure it all. I would at least be aware of my shortcomings this time and you would have acquired the patience level necessary to gentle parent me through it.

Ice cream…

Today was so nice. I kept thinking of ice cream, you, a car ride and hand holding.

Intimate moments. At this point, that is all I want.

You are so missed and yet you don’t miss me. Fucking sucks. I don’t know how to feel most of the time so I typically cycle through my emotions. I phone a friend for reassurance and to talk me off the ledge. The ledge being a crash out bombard of text messages, voice notes, and phone calls that would surely get me blocked…if you haven’t already.

I desperately crave you understanding how much you mean to me. I also am trying to respect your request for a “clean break”. It’s not clean for me. It’s quite the opposite actually. I am e m o t i o n a l. I am emotional. I cry. I sit in the tub and sob. I cry at night. You taunt me in my sleep so I get no rest. First and last thing on my mind is always you. To be honest, I am not sure how you got there. I fought you very hard and well I guess I won that fight right?

You want nothing to do with me and I want everything to do with you.

I practice grandiose speeches in my head so if given even just 30 seconds of your time I can win you back. Pshh who am I kidding? You won’t even look my direction. You don’t care and I care too much.

Please stop.

That is the last thing you told me.

Cuts deep and I bleed easy. I am not necessarily mad at you but I am mad with where we are. I have lost sleep trying to understand. I have gone so far as to sympathize with you and blame it on your attachment style (anxious) or your abandonment issues. I ended up several times feeling so sad for you that you couldn’t just understand how crazy I am about you.

Crazy… maybe I am the crazy one. You are probably spending time with the girl that you met and convinced you that I was no longer worth it. You two are probably sharing a meal and listening to music. I am wiling to bet she’s a dancer or a musician. I am also willing to bet she’s nothing like me…therefore she is perfect right?

[cruelladequeue]

My Final Thoughts

To start, I have never written a letter to someone that I would never speak to again. I have so many real thoughts, feelings, and pains. This letter will not be cute. It will not flow. But it will get out what I feel inside and out.

To start, meeting on my birthday felt so…special. Your smile, your voice, your light…just felt breathtaking. I knew I was fucked immediately. Moth to flame. You made me blush. You made me BLUSH. You made me nervously touch my hair, tug at my clothes, and stare at my platform Docs. I didn’t know where to look because I was nervous. I didn’t have words. I remember mumbling and stumbling over them before I blurted out us getting sushi. Then we exchanged IGs. I was FUCKED.

I remember our conversations early on and the first date. I opened up immediately. I did not want the date to end. I wanted to continue to be overwhelmed by you. You were so new but familiar.

At one point I did panic. I liked you. I couldn’t like you. I didn’t know you that well. You were young. You were dealing with a messy separation. You were drama. You were emotional. You were so physical and comfortable with your nakedness…I was both in awe and fearful. Awe because you were and still are so beautiful. So in tune with yourself and your emotions and I am so distant and far from mine. You like to feel. I don’t. So comfortable being vulnerable but still so confident. I was scared. I was raised to feel shame with nakedness. I was still losing weight after gaining so much. Still getting used to being thicker and having rolls and some weight. It never once bothered you but left me feeling insecure and undeserving of you. Your physicality scared me. Being physical to me meant being vulnerable emotionally…I can’t. I don’t know you and you don’t know me. You weren’t going to stay so why should I open myself up to the frustration?

You stayed the night. Then again, and again. I felt…stuck. I loved it. I craved you. I couldn’t sleep without you. I was used to feeling your skin, Burrowing into your chest, synchronizing my breathing with yours. I loved the way you smelled, the way you felt, the way my body ached for you. I didn’t show it well, but that was the guaranteed calm to my storms. Bad work day? I needed to curl up into you. Wonderful day? I needed your arms wrapped around me. I loved watching anime and wrapping myself up in you.

Things that made me fall…

1.) Do you remember New Years? I do and very clearly. I went out with friends and then went to Beeline to meet you. I was so frustrated because you were not responding so I almost left but I knew I had to at least SEE you. I finally found you. You were wrecked. Nothing in your eyes but you LIT UP when you saw me…here goes the blushing again. I melted. I couldn’t leave you. I only felt an immense need to protect you and care for you. I was so angry at whoever allowed you to be put in this position. I got you to the car. You puked. On yourself, my car, the ground. A mess. I opened doors to block people’s view. I went to go start the car so it can be warm for you and grab something to clean you up. You looked me square in my eyes with tears in yours and begged me to not leave you. Cue me melting more. We got you in the car and into my place. I have never taken care of someone the way I did you that night. Walking you to bed, you told me you were falling for me. How much more perfect could you be? I probably watched you sleep for two hours after I got you cleaned up, dried, changed, and into bed. I kissed your forehead and rubbed your back. I knew I was fucked. That night was a mess and a lot but it is probably one of my favorite memories. You looked so peaceful when you slept. You trusted me to care for you…why couldn’t I meet you there halfway?

2.) I was struggling with my Xbox and logging into an account. I was frustrated, mean, and cranky. Instead of matching energy, you gentle parented me. You softly asked for the controller and proceeded to just…fix it. That simple. I was in awe. I even mentioned it Dani. You being gentle with me did something to me.

3.) Your willingness to talk and let me talk. Feeling misunderstood is a common theme in my life and for you to handle it the way you did was worthy of applause. I kept trying to push you away subtly but you never backed down. You handled it perfectly and that made me…scared and frustrated. Was it really safe to love again? I can trust you, care for you, and love you and I will receive the same? Whoa- I needed to catch my breath.

My hurt

The way we ended. I guess I strongly misunderstood where we were and that will forever pain me. I was falling, hard, securely, and confidently. FINALLY. Me, Miss Independent who needs no one and hates the idea of falling in love, can love again. I can love someone fully that will not leave. Someone that knows how to handle me. Someone that will have a conversation with me and work it out always. Someone that adores me almost as much as I adored them.

You were perfect for me and despite what you say, nothing will ever convince me otherwise. Surely we had hiccups, who doesn’t? It takes work and vulnerability and we had that.

I was planning stuff. I wanted to take you to my sister’s wedding. I wanted to “hard launch” you on my social medias- something I have NEVER done before. I was planning to ask you to be my girlfriend on your birthday…how poetic that we met on mine and made it official on yours? I had a plan. I was 1000% got by you. I felt all the things…love songs made me think of you. I was fitting you into my future, our future. I was ready to make out in public and be carefree, secure, and 1000% obsessed with you.

I guess I forgot to make sure you knew that.

I guess I focused too much on cleaning up other things instead of ensuring you knew how incredibly special you were and will always be to me.

I have…regrets.

I wish I spent more time learning how you need me to communicate with you. I wish I hadn’t pushed so hard. I will I was easier to love. I wish we had just a little more time.

Hard Good Bye

The last conversation still hurts. I’m not saying you’re wrong at all. Go chase your LA dreams. Become the musician you crave to be. Fall in love with the girl in your dreams….you deserve that. I genuinely want that for you.

You strongly feel we are not compatible and yet I have never felt compatibility stronger with anyone else before. Little One, you scared me. Made me nervous. I mean stuttering, loss of words, blushing, nervous sweats nervous. At my big age, I felt shy around you. It sucks you did not get to experience me at my best, but only glimpses of my worst, at my worst, during my tough season. I wish I could just spend one more day with you. We could laugh, dance, talk about our dreams…we could have a picnic at the park, take shrooms, and enjoy the sunshine. Whatever you wanted. But I can’t do that and I have to respect that you don’t want that. It sucks.

It is incredibly hard not to call you or text you. It is hard to not share my joys and frustrations. I feel like I lost a best friend and my person. You don’t feel the same and I can’t do anything about it. I struggle with it internally. I want to fight HARD for you but you seem so dead set on me not. I don’t know how to not care though. You separated from things so easily and that angered me honestly. How do you feel…nothing and I feel like my world is crashing down around me.

It felt…it felt…like I was and will forever be the punchline of a sick joke. Honestly, I don’t think the universe wants me to love or be loved in this lifetime. Dark right? Hahaha well it is true, kind of. The intensity and level of relationship I crave with another human being never seems to be in the cards for me. I have tried. Each and every time it has shredded, burned, and violently ripped me apart. I am not by any means putting this on you, just simply stating how I feel.

At this point, I don’t have much else to say other than what I felt was and is still real. Embarrassingly I admit that if you reached out, I’d still be full of love and nothing in me would hesitate in responding or being there for you. I am trying desperately to respect your no contact but my heart aches for you. Bad. I physically feel pain. It is weird and it sucks lol but I am happy you chose you. Overall, I can’t choose who doesn’t choose me. I would’ve followed you anywhere. I wish you never met the broken hearted version of me that was still learning love could be safe and I wish I never met the heartless version of you that could give zero fucks about me or what we were building. I wanted it to be you so damn bad. I never would have done you like that. As crazy as it sounds, you are the reason I no longer believe in fairytales and the reason I now understand I was never a princess.

It’s not hate that I have for you in my heart. It’s frustration, feelings of betrayal, and deep hurt. I wanted you, only you, as you are. I so badly wanted it to be you.

One of the shittiest parts of this is that I mastered grieving someone who is dead but you are very much alive. You feel so alive and I now I feel so dead. I hope you enjoy being single. I hope you enjoy flirting with all the girls you come across. I hope you make a shit ton of money singing and touring. I also hope that one day you realize what you chose to leave behind. Good luck finding someone who genuinely loved you the way I did. Good luck with everything Neesh.

I have to let you go…not because I want to but because you need me to and I need to for myself. There were some positives that came out of this: I am capable of feeling love for another human being. I learned how I can be better in the future. I am learning how to let go of someone who is alive lol as strange as it sounds. I release you and the version of me that felt unsure or unworthy of being loved by someone else. I forgive you and I forgive myself. I still have nothing but love for you and I have nothing but love for myself, all versions of her. Healed and unhealed.