cummunication

[cummunication]

you can check out my podcast on apple or spotify and follow me on Instagram at sexpositivepodcast

[cummunication]

Sex and Psychology Podcast!

Hey (sexy) friends

I apologize I haven’t been posting actively for quite some time now.

Thank ya’ll for sticking with me for this long!

I am excited to announce I have a new podcast titled “Sex & Psychology” on Spotify, Apple, Anchor and Overcast!

We talk all things sex and psychology such as mental health, dating, relationships, self love and more.

Each week I bring you an interview along with a solo episode!

Check it out below or wherever podcasts are found

I hope you enjoy

https://anchor.fm/lauren-colletti

https://www.instagram.com/sexandpsych/

[cummunication]

Sex Mistakes (for women)

Recently, I created a blog about the top 20 complaints women have about the men they sleep with. Because of this, I figured it would only be fair if I made an article about mistakes us ladies make when it comes to intercourse. As a woman, I can speak on this topic subjectively however, due to my schooling, research, personal experience and by what I frequently hear from men, I can write about this openly and honestly [as a female]. There’s no shame in admitting your own mistakes; owning up to them and even laughing at yourself. I’m not saying if you fall into these categories or have done this once or twice you “suck in bed and are making mistakes”. There’s nothing inherently wrong with any of us and none of us necessarily need “fixing”. I am saying however, sex can easily and quickly become lackluster and boring and I’m here to help you have the most satisfying sex life imaginable. We are conditioned to act in certain ways due to societal beliefs and cultural programming. We can be quick to place blame on our partners without ever taking an introspective glance at ourselves. When sex becomes a burden as I said, you can be quick to judge your partner and how they aren’t “measuring up” (no pun intended). “Although men do tend to get a bad rap when it comes to understanding women’s bodies and what turns us on, making them easy targets in the blame game when sexual satisfaction starts to wane. And sure, they make their fair share of bedroom errors. But as the saying goes, it takes two to tango. As it turns out, top sex and relationship experts say that women make plenty of sex mistakes of their own. Here’s what they have to say about the six most common mistakes women make in the bedroom and what you can do to get the satisfaction you so rightly deserve.” Sex Mistake #1: Not Initiating Sex With Your Partner… Many of us worry about ladylike behavior. We don’t want to appear pushy or come on too strong for fear of being labeled aggressive. According to experts,failing to initiate sex is one of the biggest mistakes women make. “Most guys feel like they are always the initiator and that sets up disequilibrium on the passion scale in the relationship,”. Generally, men want to be pursued by their partners just as much as women do. Holding onto outdated ideas about sex roles also inhibits satisfaction with our sexual relationships, says "Dr. Ruth," they used to think that women are less interested in sexual activity and I don’t want to say that anymore. I think there are women who are as interested in sex [as men]. Show your interest by taking the first step from time to time. Your partner will likely appreciate it, and you may find a new level of satisfaction in taking responsibility for your sexual experience, something Westheimer feels strongly that women must do. Sex Mistake #2: Worrying About What You Look Like. (I am definitely guilty of this). Thinking about how you look during sex stops you from enjoying yourself and ruins your chances of achieving an orgasm. “Don’t think about the fat on your belly or the makeup on your face,” advises sex therapist. “Concentrate on the pleasure of the act. You must give yourself permission to have an orgasm.” “Men want their wives to abandon themselves in sex play, and that’s not likely if she is anxious about her physical concerns,” Parrott says. Helen Fisher, PhD, says men don’t notice half the things women obsess about anyway. “It’s amazing what men don’t notice if you’re enthusiastic, energetic, interested in them, and flexible minded.” According to Fisher, there is an evolutionary explanation for the selective blindness men show to our physical flaws. For Darwinian reasons, says Fisher, men are (unconsciously, of course) looking for women who are able to bear healthy babies. Starting millions of years ago, men who attracted fertile women and had a lot of children lived on. Those who couldn’t died out. Although maybe not as necessary today, Fisher says that primal survival mechanism lives on. “Men are much more attracted to women who show signs of health and youth and fertility. Rather than worry about the shape of your waist and hips, worry about your energy level and enthusiasm and interest in him,” Fisher advises. Sex Mistake #3: Assuming Sex Is Casual for a Man. Westheimer believes we should all let go of old-fashioned notions, such as women are not sexual or that sex is just sex to men. “For some men, sex is a very important act. Don’t minimize it.” Research supports the idea that both men and women find sexual intimacy in the context of a committed relationship to be more satisfying. “Numerous research studies make it very clear that the people who have the best quality and most frequent sex are married couples. That says a lot about the inadequacies of ‘casual sex,” Parrot says. In a study being conducted by Fisher and her colleagues of university students engaging in one-night stands, the numbers show that men are just as serious about sex and relationships as women. In fact, more than 50% of women and 52% of men who went into a one-night stand, according to Fisher, reported that they did so hoping to create a longer relationship. One-third of them actually did so. What’s the lesson? “Never assume that a man is not romantic,” Fisher says. “Two huge mistakes in this culture are that women are not sexual and that men are not as romantic [as women].” Sex Mistake #4: Believing He’s Always Up for Sex. Sure, most teenage boys are ready and willing just about any time you ask, but not true for men. The pressures of everyday life -- family, work, bills -- can zap a man’s libido. This comes as a big surprise to many women, and often his lack of interest in sex is something we take personally. “It comes as such a shock [to women] that they just don’t believe it,” Fisher says about the reaction many women have when their partner says they aren’t in the mood for sex. “They know themselves that they are not always interested in sex but they still love the man. But when they discover he doesn’t want to have sex, they think, ‘he doesn’t love me.’ Not true. He just doesn’t want to have sex.” Sex Mistake #5: Not Giving Him Guidance. Talking very directly about sex, what we like and don’t like can make us feel uncomfortable, even with a partner we’ve been with for a long time and otherwise feel close to, says Parrott. But it’s the only way to achieve a satisfying sexual relationship. “A woman must take responsibility for her sexual encounter,” says Westheimer. “No man can bring a woman to orgasm if she doesn’t take responsibility for her sexual experience. Even the best lover can’t know what she needs without her letting him know.” The good news, according to Fisher, is that men very much want to please women. “If you can tell them in a way that doesn’t kill their ego, they will appreciate it,” says Fisher. She advises women to sandwich what they don’t like in between five things they do, because he’s listening. “You won’t find out until the next time you’re in bed with him. But men do listen, particularly if you’re quite clear about it.” Sex Mistake #6: Getting Upset When He Suggests Something New. After a couple has been together for a while, it’s natural to want to spice things up with a little variety. Just because your man wants to try something new doesn’t mean he’s unhappy with you or your sex life. In short: Don’t take it personally. Still, it’s important that you tune into your comfort zone says Parrott. “Nobody should ever feel obligated to do something they don’t want to do in the personal and intimate area of sexuality,” Parrot said. “If your man asks you about trying something that’s outside of your morals, make it clear that it’s off limits for you and explain why. Of course, do this in a loving way as best you can. If it is something that is not really a moral issue for you but you still don’t want to again explain why. If it is a simply a startling request and you’re initially uneasy about it, try not to overreact. Instead, let him know you need some time to think about it.”

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Sex Mistakes (for men)

I’ll start off by saying I’m not trying to be nit-picky or critical here. Think of it as feedback, constructive criticism, advice from a good friend. I’m not here to judge or make fun of you rather, lend a (brutally) honest helping hand so you can take your sex life to another level. I’m not saying this is true for every guy. And I’m not saying you all suck because things happen. As a woman however, I can honestly say I’ve experienced each and every one of these. These are the most common mistakes I see (or hear about) again and again. Guys can be oblivious these bother women at all. After all, how are you supposed to know if no girl ever told you? Guys aren’t mind readers and I don't expect everyone to be born with this knowledge. I’m not trying to knock you fellas but these situations appear frequently. These are mistakes women you sleep with complain about and are too afraid to tell you. We don’t expect you to be perfect (we are not either). It’s okay to fuck up time to time but I feel most people are walking around with unfulfilling, disappointing sex lives. My suggestion is to have consideration and an open mind. Women aren’t on this earth to please you so I advise you quit getting your sex education from porn, where you’re conditioned to believe every woman drinks loads of cum for fun and wants a threesome. Stop going into sex with expectations and assuming it’s something you can get from a woman. Talk about intimacy with your partner before and after intercourse. Ask them what they liked, what they didn’t and how you can make it better next time. I’m not saying it’s all about her but you need to come to an agreement; negotiate, meet somewhere in the middle and strive for balance. With all that being said, fellas; here are 20 common mistakes a majority of women absolutely despise when it comes to sex.

“1. He expects you to blow him, but won't return the favor. Giving another person pleasure can itself be pleasurable, sure. However! This entirely changes when the person is a douche who's only interested in themselves or too lazy or disinterested in you to try to please you too.

2. He comes every time.... you come none to almost none of the time. He's under the delusional impression sex is all about his orgasm, not yours. Well, they make battery-operated vibrators that are way more satisfying than dudes like this.

3. If it takes you longer than five minutes to orgasm, he says, "There must be something wrong with you." There is nothing wrong with you. However, there is definitely something wrong with him for trying to make you feel bad and think you're abnormal or difficult.

4. Sex ends when he comes. Sex ends when both parties are fully satisfied. He mistakenly believes sex should be like the porn he watches where women are sex bots who are automatically turned on by everything a guy does, and don't come but act like facials are the best thing that ever happened to them.

5. He lies there expecting you to blow him and ride him, but can barely be bothered with foreplay. Again: battery-operated devices, ladies.

6. He comments when you haven't shaved or waxed all your pubic hair off. Yet he has all of his because, in his world, "girls shave" and guys don't. Your discomfort shouldn't be another person's pleasure. And if he doesn't want to deal with your bush you shouldn't have to deal with his.

7. He doesn't give you a warning before he comes. And then he just comes in your mouth or on your boobs or in your eye. And you know if you ejaculated in his eye he'd have a huge freaking cow about it. (Not that he'd ever be able to make you do that, but still.)

8. He tries to get you to do it without a condom. No. Effing. Way. If he tries to push you into this who knows what else he'll try to push you into.

9. He refuses to spend the night with you. Because he's so commitment-phobic that, even if you just want to have him around so you have a regular hookup, the idea of spending more than three hours with you, sleeping or awake, terrifies him.

10. Whiskey dick. And it's a frequent problem even on weeknights.

11. He assumes you're in the mood every time he's in the mood. And when you're in the mood and text him, he's watching Batman on his couch and can't be bothered to make plans with you.

12. He never asks you about your day. Or even your life, generally. He has no interest in learning anything about you beyond what you look like naked.

13. He doesn't try for you but expects you to try for him. He'll do something gross like go to the gym and not take a shower before you come over and still expect you to do it with him. These are the same men who pee in the shower while you're showering with them.

14. You have the distinct feeling he hasn't washed his sheets since the Royal Baby was born. He's told you he has taupe sheets "because they hide stains well."

15. He says anything even remotely condescending to you. "Why is your hair in a ponytail?" "Cool underwear. Is it laundry day?" "Is it that time of the month or something?"

16. He has no idea where your clitoris is and no desire to find it. You could have more signs pointing to it than the Triborough Bridge and he'd still ignore all of them.

17. If you want to stop before he finishes, he expects you to blow him. And he doesn't give a crap that his penis tastes like condom and your vagina feels uncomfortable and you just want to go to sleep in your own bed now.

18. He keeps asking you for anal/a threesome/period sex/other sex act you're not interested in after you've said no multiple times. Not only is he impervious to listening, but it also seems pretty clear that he views you less as a human woman than a collection of orifices he can put his penis inside.

19. He's never once cuddled with you. He sleeps with a body pillow to make extra-sure he has something to place between himself and even the idea of emotional intimacy.

20. He'd sooner wash his filthy sheets than pay you a compliment. He never tells you you look pretty or congratulates you on killing that project you were working on, or anything. And still, he expects you to love blowing him.”

[cummunication]

Sex isn’t Like Pizza

Sex isn’t like pizza; at least not for women. The saying goes there’s no such thing as “bad pizza” since any pizza is better than none. That may be true for men but for women, I can definitely say it’s not. I’d rather have zero sex than shitty sex as it serves as nothing more than a waste of time. Both men and women have their fair share of experiences that are worse than others. For a while I believed nothing compared to my vibrators. When it comes to me time certain things are guaranteed : I know my body better than anybody else, I go at my own pace and hold all control, I don’t have to worry about making sexy sounds, or doing anything “wrong”. Lastly and most importantly, I almost always get off. Despite these truths, sometimes you are in the mood for human connection [although for me it tends to be rarely]. Sometimes, you are in the mood to connect with a real human and share oxytocin. Sometimes, as a woman, I am in the mood for penetration although most of the time, clitoral stimulation does the trick. Bad sex is well, guaranteed if you’re a woman because most of us don’t know our bodies or are foreign to sexual expression. Combine this with sex education being taboo, communication being difficult and the fact we live in a society full of boys getting off to porn assuming spitting in our faces is what we really enjoy. You don’t have to settle for less than amazing sex; I’m not saying it will or should be pretty all the time, but I think too often we are conditioned as women to not get off, to act as porn-stars and to cater to men’s pleasure rather than our own. Here I discuss what exactly makes sex suck and what we can do about it, regardless of gender or sexual orientation. As with anything, practice makes perfect. Enjoy the ride (quite literally) and don’t be too hard [no pun intended] on yourself. Have patience with yourself and your partner[s] and know as with anything, sexual connection gets better with time. So have fun, explore and let’s get into it, shall we? “Having bad sex just isn’t an option anymore. Too often we simply accept that women won’t always enjoy sex. This archaic thinking is rooted in sexual stigma and a lack of anatomical understanding. Our sexuality is part of our lives as is eating and sleeping. Sexuality is an important aspect of our well-being, and in a healthy romantic relationship, it’s as vital as love and affection. Good sex comes from ridding yourself of sexual shame, owning your desire, and understanding the clitoris, leaning into that pleasure therein. If you know what brings you to orgasm, you’ll know how to show your partner how to do the same. It’s important to know your body, what it likes, and how it works. If you aren’t sure what makes you tick, you can’t exactly expect a partner to magically figure it out. For a woman’s sexuality, the place we have to look first is the mind. The brain is our most powerful sex organ besides the clitoris (and trust me, we’ll get to that). Intimacy, sex, and orgasm all begin with desire. If you don’t have any desire, you will not be able to have an orgasm.” That being said, a lot of times bad sex comes from lack of connection or stimulation in the brain [a.k.a, no foreplay for women]. As women, foreplay is not an option, it is a requirement for her to enjoy her time. Many a time I’ve been with dudes who want to jump straight to fucking. To put it simply, it fucking hurts so can you not? I’m not saying 100% of the time, I want to make out for 80 minutes prior to getting it on; sometimes I want to jump straight to it but more often than not, I need my engine revved up before taking off. It’s been said men are frying pans while women are slow cookers; we need time to get in the mood. Women on average, need at least 20 minutes of foreplay prior to sexual activity and are most likely to orgasm after 30 minutes. Unfortunately, most men last 5-7 minutes on average [during penetration] so I always laughed when a dude asks “did you cum?” after 5 minutes. But that’s another discussion at a later date haha... “There are many issues that hinder and block our ability to connect our minds to our bodies: Body dysphoria, a lack of confidence, and sexual shame are just some of the factors that can leave sex feeling more obligatory than amazing. When you feel those initial stirrings, those first moments of sexual spark, don’t shy away from them. Breathe into your body. Begin by entrenching yourself in a sexual fantasy. Don’t have one? Watch a little porn or read an erotic story to center yourself.  Focus on your breath and everything your partner is doing to you that feels good. Consider this an entire experience of mind, body, and soul — even if it’s a casual encounter.” Our next culprit is sexual insecurity which kills the mood instantly. If you’re too wrapped up in your body or head it takes you out of the moment. As a woman, I find this happens much more when it’s a random/casual encounter versus someone I’ve been seeing/dating for months at a time. Women hardly, if ever, climax during one night stands. Men are physical creatures and turned on by physical parts whereas the biggest sex organ for a woman is her brain. We are turned on by connection, chemistry, love and romance, despite men assuming all we want is a huge penis. Ladies and gents, get comfortable in your skin and know the person you are hooking up with most likely isn’t staring at that mole on your back. They are there because they want to be and are attracted to you. And if by chance they tell you you’re “too this” or “not enough that” know they were not the right person for you, and you deserve better. “You may not have considered this before, but touching yourself is how you improve your sex life. Masturbation is a vehicle for understanding your body. The less you go for drives in your body’s ‘town,’ the scarier exploring it will be. Fear is the main ingredient of shame. Once you know that town, quite literally, like the back of your hand, then and only then, do you have the agency to invite another in for a visit. Spend time with your vibrator or your hand. Experiment with different pressures, positions, and rhythms. If you know what brings you to orgasm, you’ll know how to show your partner how to do the same. If you don’t encourage your daughter to masturbate and get her access to whatever toys she wants to try, then how can you expect her to understand and own her agency?” As I somewhat mentioned before, there is this stigma against sexual health and self exploration in our culture unless you are a man. Men are always known to jerk off whereas women tend to see it as embarrassment if they do or are conditioned to be ashamed to speak about it. Even though nobody can know your body as well as you do, if you want to start having hotter sex, you need to know what feels right versus what doesn't. How else are you supposed to have satisfying sex if you can’t pin point what turns you on and what doesn’t? “The clit should be involved always, always, always. Let’s not beat around the bush (pun intended). Research says many women don’t achieve orgasm from penetrative sex alone, and a recent survey found that 1 in 3 women need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. So, we have to stop pretending that run-of-the-mill, penis-in-vagina sex is going to produce a female climax. It just isn’t realistic or based in fact. The clitoris is the powerhouse of female orgasm. It contains over 8,000 nerve endings. Without manually (with a hand or toy) or orally stimulating the clitoris, orgasm is highly unlikely. So, if you want to stop having bad sex, get the clit involved. During penetrative sex, most women need the clitoris stimulated at the same time unless they are in touch with their G-spot. By the way, the G-spot IS a part of the clitoris, too.  If you’re not getting the clitoral action you need, speak up! Do not fake orgasms. If you fake an orgasm, you set unrealistic expectations and create inaccurate guidelines for what brings you pleasure. Don’t go along with someone who isn’t 120 percent into respecting you and focused on you having a great time. Otherwise, pleasure inside the bedroom will likely be zero.” In other words… focus on the clit. But not too much; rubbing or touching the clitoris hard can be extremely uncomfortable & most times painful. The clitoris isn’t a DJ booth fellas - so calm the fuck down. Always go 10 times slower and softer than you think you should. The jackhammer doesn’t get you far and those women being abused in porn (if you haven’t noticed already), are acting. Throw a clitoral vibe into the mix while having sex. There's plenty on the market for you and your partner to try. Invite her to touch herself while you hit it from behind or if you’re in missionary, lightly stroke her clit for extra pleasure. Ask her periodically “does this feel good? Is that okay?”. Make her feel safe enough to be honest with you or even try mutual masturbation. You can see how you both get off and the rhythm in which your partner likes to be touched. “Remember, sex isn’t shameful It’s amazing. It’s healthy. It’s beautiful. Sexual shame is one of the main reasons we experience bad sex. We’re told sex is dirty and gross. This kind of thinking completely warps our perceptions of both ourselves and our pleasure. People are afraid of sexuality because it’s not commonplace to discuss freely and openly. The more we speak about it, the less power shame will have. We have to talk about it until we are blue in the face. We must normalize sexuality. Only then can we have better sex. Good sex shouldn’t be an anomaly. It should be the gold standard we all expect, every single time.”

[cummunication]

Domestic and Sexual Violence myths & misconceptions

While talking to a friend recently, I realized there is (still) much misinformation and lack of education when discussing abusive relationships and sexual assault. There is a deep belief in many people that individuals who remain in abusive relationships must “enjoy it” or it’s their fault for not leaving. This is simply not true and these ingrained opinions are due to many factors such as: lack of education, patriarchal and misogynistic systems and stigma revolving abuse victims. As far as sexual abuse goes, the same holds true. I’ve heard many people say they’d “rather be dead" than be raped or straight up assume I wished my rapist killed me prior to the assault so I didn’t have to live with it. I’ve also heard people say it doesn’t seem like a big deal (rape) and ask what the difference between rape and sex were, if any. Rather than getting resentful at the arrogance and naivety of these comments, I understand the stereotype of survivors being “used up and broken” and people who have never experienced sexual trauma are ignorant of the consequences that follow. If you yourself have never lived through sexual violence, you can’t begin to comprehend what it is like. Due to the large amount of (or lack thereof) misinformation when it comes to sexual and intimate partner violence, I’ve decided to compile a list of the most common myths and misconceptions when it comes to these two issues. “MYTH: Victims cause the violence that has happened to them FACT: It doesn’t matter what someone is wearing or how they are acting, no one asks to be raped. People who sexually assault often use force, threat, or injury. An absence of injuries does not indicate the victim consented. MYTH: There is no reason for a victim not to report being raped to law enforcement FACT: Rape is the least reported and convicted violence crime in the U.S. There are many reasons why victims may choose not to report to law enforcement or tell anyone about what happened to him/her. MYTH: Victims provoke sexual assaults when they dress provocatively or act in a promiscuous manner. FACT: Rape and sexual assault are crimes of violence and control that stem from a person’s determination to exercise power over another. Forcing someone to engage in non-consensual sexual activity is sexual assault, regardless of the way that person dresses or acts. MYTH: If a person goes to someone’s room, house, or goes to a bar, he/she assumes the risk of sexual assault. If something happens later, he/she can’t claim that he/she was raped or sexually assaulted because he/she should have known not to go to those places. FACT: This “assumption of risk” wrongfully places the responsibility of the offender’s actions with the victim. Even if a person went voluntarily to someone’s residence or room and consented to engage in some sexual activity, it does not serve as a blanket consent for all sexual activity. MYTH: It’s not sexual assault if it happens after drinking or taking drugs. FACT:Being under the influence of alcohol or drugs is not an invitation for non-consensual sexual activity. A person under the influence of drugs or alcohol does not cause others to assault him/her; others choose to take advantage of the situation and sexually assault him/her because he/she is in a vulnerable position. MYTH: Most sexual assaults are committed by strangers. It’s not rape if the people involved knew each other. FACT: Most sexual assaults and rapes are committed by someone the victim knows. Among victims aged 18 to 29, two-thirds had a prior relationship with the offender. MYTH: Rape can be avoided if people avoid dark alleys or other “dangerous” places where strangers might be hiding or lurking. FACT: Rape and sexual assault can occur at any time, in many places, to anyone. MYTH: It’s only rape if the victim puts up a fight and resists. FACT: There are many reasons why a victim of sexual assault would not fight or resist her attacker. She/he may feel that fighting or resisting will make her/his attacker angry, resulting in more severe injury. MYTH: Sexual assault is often the result of miscommunication or a mistake. FACT: Sexual assault is a crime, never simply a mistake. It does not occur due to a miscommunication between two people. Sexual assault is any unwanted sexual contact obtained without consent through the use of force, threat of force, intimidation, or coercion. MYTH: Sexual assault won’t happen to me or to anyone I know. FACT: Men, women and children of all ages, races, religions, and economic classes, and can be and have been, victims of sexual assault. Sexual assault occurs in rural areas, small towns and larger cities. According to the U.S. Department of Justice, a rape or attempted rape occurs every 5 minutes in the United States. MYTH: Most sexual assaults occur between strangers. FACT: Most sexual assaults are committed by someone the victim knows: a neighbor, friend, acquaintance, co-worker, classmate, spouse, partner or ex-partner. Studies show that approximately 80% of women reporting sexual assault knew their assailant. MYTH: Women falsely accuse men of sexual assault or “cry rape.” FACT: Reported sexual assaults are true, with very few exceptions. FBI crime statistics indicate that only 2% of reported rapes are false. This is the same rate of false reporting as other major crime reports. MYTH: Men cannot be sexually assaulted. FACT: Men can be, and are, sexually assaulted. In Colorado one in seventeen men are sexually assaulted in their lifetime. Sexual assault of men is thought to be greatly under-reported. Any man can be sexually assaulted regardless of size, strength, sexual orientation, or appearance. MYTH: Most sexual assaults are interracial. FACT: Almost all sexual assaults occur between members of the same race. Interracial rape is not common, but it does occur. MYTH: People who commit sexual assaults are mentally ill, abnormal perverts. FACT: Sexual offenders come from all educational, occupational, racial and cultural backgrounds. They are “ordinary” and “normal” individuals who sexually assault victims to assert power and control over them and inflict violence, humiliation and degradation. MYTH: Victims who do not fight back have not been sexually assaulted. FACT: Anytime someone is forced to have sex against their will, they have been sexually assaulted, regardless of whether or not they fought back. There are many reasons why a victim might not physically fight their attacker including shock, fear, threats or the size and strength of the attacker. MYTH: A rape survivor will be battered, bruised, and hysterical. FACT: Many rape survivors are not visibly injured. The threat of violence alone is often sufficient cause for a woman to submit to the rapist, to protect herself from physical harm. People react to crisis in different ways. The reaction may range from composure to anxiety, depression, flashbacks, and suicidal feelings. MYTH: Serial rapists are uncommon. FACT: Most every perpetrator is a serial rapist, meaning that they choose to use coercion, violence, threats of force, etc.to assault people on a repeated basis. MYTH: When women say no, they really mean yes. FACT: Yes means yes! When someone says yes, s/he is explicitly giving consent. Silence does not equal consent. It is the responsibility of the person initiating or escalating sexual activity to gain consent at each and every level. If you are ever unclear about your partner’s wishes, ask for clarification. If your partner says no or seems unsure, respect that person and her/his wishes. MYTH: If a person is aroused s/he is assaulted, then it is not really sexual assault. FACT: Orgasm does not mean that someone “enjoyed” the sex, or that they wanted it. Orgasm can be a natural biological reaction that someone can’t control; it does not mean that forced or coerced sexual activity was consensual and often this is used to silence the survivor. MYTH: Domestic violence is a private family matter. FACT: Domestic Violence is everyone’s business. Keeping domestic violence secret helps no one, has been shown to harm children, incurs substantial costs to society, and serves to perpetrate abuse through learned patterns of behavior. MYTH: Most of the time, domestic violence is not really that serious. FACT: Domestic violence is an illegal act in the U.S. and is considered a crime with serious repercussions. Although there are aspects of domestic violence (example: emotional, psychological, spiritual abuse) that may not be considered criminal in a legal sense, serious and long-lasting physical, emotional and spiritual harm can, and often does, occur. Each and every act of domestic violence needs to be taken seriously. MYTH: Victims provoke their partners’ violence. FACT: Whatever the problems exist in a relationship, the use of violence is never justifiable or acceptable. There is NO EXCUSE for domestic violence. MYTH: Domestic violence is an impulse control problem. FACT: Abusers act deliberately and with forethought. Abusers choose whom to abuse. For example, an abuser will selectively batter their partner but not their boss. MYTH: Domestic violence is bad but it happens else elsewhere. It doesn’t happen in my community, my neighborhood, my culture, my religion, or my congregation. FACT: Domestic violence happens to people of every educational and socioeconomic level. Domestic violence happens in all races, religions, and age groups. Domestic violence occurs in both heterosexual and same-sex relationships. MYTH: It is easy for a victim to leave their abuser, so if he/she doesn’t leave, it means he/she likes the abuse or is exaggerating how bad it is. FACT: Fear, lack of safe options, and the inability to survive economically prevent many victims from leaving abusive relationships. Threats of harm, including death to the victim and/or children, keep many battered women/men trapped in abusive situations. The most dangerous time for a victim is when he/she attempts to leave the relationship, or when the abuser discovers that he/she has made plans to leave. MYTH: Domestic violence can occur in older women, but it is quite rare. . FACT: Approximately half of all elder abuse in women is thought to be domestic violence “grown old”. Older battered women are less likely to seek and receive help. MYTH: Anger management programs are briefer, more cost effective than, and just as successful as certified batterer intervention programs. FACT: Although briefer and less expensive than certified batterer intervention programs, anger management programs are not effective to address the deep-rooted issues of batterers.”

[cummunication]

Announcement

Hi friends, I have an exciting announcement to make! Starting in September I will be holding a “sex positive empowerment group” 1X a month, the last Saturday of the month. Meetings will be approximately an hour long and we will discuss various sexual and mental health topics. If you are in the LI area, contact me with any questions or for more information!

[cummunication]

What is “Rape Culture?”

You’ve probably heard of the term “rape culture” or have seen it used on social media. Particularly prevalent with the “me too” movement, “rape culture” was especially brought into the light around 2016 when the Netflix documentary “The Hunting Ground” made its appearance. So what exactly is rape culture and why should you care? “Rape Culture is an environment in which rape is prevalent and in which sexual violence against women is normalized and excused in the media and popular culture. Rape culture is perpetuated through the use of misogynistic language, the objectification of women’s bodies, and the glamorization of sexual violence, thereby creating a society that disregards women’s rights and safety. Rape Culture affects every woman. The rape of one woman is a degradation, terror, and limitation to all women. Most women and girls limit their behavior because of the existence of rape. Most women and girls live in fear of rape. Men, in general, do not. That’s how rape functions as a powerful means by which the whole female population is held in a subordinate position to the whole male population, even though many men don’t rape, and many women are never victims of rape.  This cycle of fear is the legacy of Rape Culture.” I’ve heard the term used in both a positive and negative light however; some feminists fight against the use of the term and do not appreciate what they deem it being “improperly used”. Unfortunately nowadays, it appears sexual assault is more of a norm rather than out of the ordinary. “Is 1 in 5 American women surviving rape or attempted rape considered a cultural norm? Is 1 in 6 men being abused before the age of 18 a cultural norm? These statistics are not just shocking, they represent real people. Yet, these millions of survivors and allies don’t raise their collective voices to educate America about our culture of rape because of fear. Rape culture is a real and serious, and we need to talk about it. Simply put, feminists want equality for everyone and that begins with physical safety.” From the outside looking in, this can seem it were solely a “women's issue”. I’d like to argue it is a global issue. Neither geared at men nor women as both are impacted by this epidemic and hold power & responsibility in sharing our stories. The job of advocating for both victims and survivors of sexual assault need not fall on the shoulders of women but we also shouldn’t blame men. It’s more about educating individuals and providing those impacted with the proper resources and support. It’s about letting people know how their choices affect others and what everybody can do to play their part (a.k.a bystander prevention). `.If you are a man, you are part of rape culture. I know … that sounds rough. You’re not a rapist, necessarily. But you do perpetuate the attitudes and behaviors commonly referred to as rape culture. But just imagine moving through the world, always afraid you could be raped. That’s even worse! Rape culture sucks for everyone involved. But don’t get hung up on the terminology. Don’t concentrate on the words that offend you and ignore what they’re pointing to — the words “rape culture” aren’t the problem. The reality they describe is the problem. Men are the primary agents and sustainers of rape culture. Rape isn’t exclusively committed by men. Women aren’t the only victims — men rape men, women rape men — but what makes rape a men’s problem, our problem, is the fact that men commit 99% of reported rapes. Women spend most of their social lives with ever-present, unavoidable feelings of vulnerability. Stop and think about that. Imagine always feeling like you could be at risk, like you were living with glass skin. As modern men we must seek out danger. We choose adventures and extreme sports in order to feel like we’re in jeopardy. We make games of our vulnerability. That’s how differently men see the world from women. A woman must consider where she is going, what time of day it is, what time she will arrive at her destination and what time she will leave her destination, what day of the week is it, if she will be left alone at any point … the considerations go on and on because they are far more numerous than you or I can imagine. Honestly, I can’t conceive of having to think that much about what I need to do to protect myself at any given moment in my life. I relish the freedom of getting up and going, day or night, rain or shine, Westside or downtown. As men we can enjoy this particular extreme luxury of movement and freedom of choice. In order to understand rape culture, remember this is a freedom that at least half the population doesn’t enjoy. You may think it’s unfair that we have to counteract and adjust ourselves for the ill behavior of other men. You know what? You’re right. It is unfair. Is that the fault of women? Or is it the fault of the men who act abysmally and make the rest of us look bad? If issues of fairness bother you, get mad at the men who make you and your actions appear questionable. Because when it comes to assessing a man, whatever one man is capable of, a woman must presume you are capable of.  The completely reasonable and understandable fear of men is your responsibility. You didn’t create it. But you also didn’t build the freeways either. Some of the things you inherit from society are cool and some of them are rape culture. Since no woman can accurately judge you or your intentions on sight, you are assumed to be like all other men. 73% of the time a woman knows her rapist. Now, if she can’t trust and accurately assess the intentions of men she knows, how can you expect her to ever feel that she can accurately assess you, a complete stranger? Rape prevention is not just about women teaching women how not to get raped — it’s about men not committing rape. Rape prevention is about the fact that a man must understand that saying “no” doesn’t mean “yes,” that when a woman is too drunk/drugged to respond that doesn’t mean “yes,” that being in a relationship doesn’t mean “yes.” Rather than focus on how women can avoid rape, or how rape culture makes an innocent man feel suspect, our focus should be: how do we, as men, stop rapes from occurring?  You’ll quickly find that rape culture plays a central role in all the social dynamics of our time. It’s at the heart of all our personal interactions. It’s part of all our social, societal and environmental struggles. Rape culture is not just about sex. It is the product of a generalized attitude of male supremacy. Sexual violence is one expression of that attitude. Again, don’t let the terminology spook you. Don’t get hung up on the term “male supremacy.” The term isn’t the problem. The problem is that rape culture hurts everyone involved. Antiquated patriarchal notions of society make it difficult for men to come forward as rape victims just as much as they foster a desire for a man to be seen as powerful and sexually aggressive. Men shouldn’t feel threatened or attacked when women point out rape culture — they’re telling us about our common enemy. We ought to listen. Now that you know what it is, what can you do about rape culture? · Avoid using language that objectifies or degrades women. Speak out if you hear someone else making an offensive joke or trivializing rape · If a friend says she has been raped, take her seriously and be supportive · Think critically about the media’s messages about women, men, relationships, and violence · Be respectful of others’ physical space even in casual situations · Always communicate with sexual partners and do not assume consent · Define your own manhood or womanhood. Do not let stereotypes shape your actions. Don’t limit yourself to being a man. Be a mensch. Be a human being. All we need to do is listen, and reflect, and let their words change our perspective. Our job is to ask ourselves how we can do better.”

[cummunication]

Are you Dating a Sociopath?

1 in 25. Research indicates that’s how many people are diagnosable sociopaths. When it comes to psychopaths, (luckily) the number is higher… 1 in 100. But let’s not get them confused. “Sociopaths are often called psychopaths and vice versa but there are differences between a psychopath and a sociopath. … And while sociopaths and psychopaths do share some traits, sociopathy (antisocial personality disorder) is generally considered less severe than psychopathy.” For example, a sociopath might be someone who takes advantage of others for money, fame, sex etc. while a psychopath is more likely to be a serial killer and commit mass murders. You can go your entire life without anyone knowing you’re a sociopath while psychopaths are the people more likely to commit severe crimes and end up in jail.

Antisocial personality disorder is the diagnosis in which sociopathy and psychopathy fall (cluster B) and it has been on the rise over the years. If you’re swiping daily on tinder, how many people do you pass each day? (I wouldn’t know because I’m not on the app but I suspect a decent amount). Let’s say you swipe 25 times each day. That means over the span of one week you have passed roughly 7 sociopaths. This can be alarming whilst dating because sociopaths don’t look like Hannibal Lecter and you can’t tell someone is mentally ill by looking at them. Sociopath’s actually tend to be extremely alluring and charismatic. It’s no surprise you may end up falling for one and not find out until it’s “too late”. So what are signs to look out for? Could you actually be dating a sociopath? Let’s learn more.  

“When you’re in love, it’s easy to gloss over some of your partner’s less flattering traits. But if your gut tells you something might really be off with this person, don’t write off those feelings ― especially if you suspect they could be a sociopath. Sociopaths don’t look like the Joker and show up cackling and howling and ready to manipulate They’re not always so easy to recognize. They can appear to be the guy next door. And until you get to know them, you wouldn’t necessarily know they are sociopaths. So what is a sociopath exactly? Characteristics include a persistent disregard for right and wrong, a tendency to lie and manipulate others, a lack of empathy and remorse, emotional volatility, an inflated ego, and engaging in impulsive and irresponsible behavior. And though the label is frequently used in the media and pop culture, it’s not actually a clinical term. The closest clinical diagnosis would be antisocial personality disorder, which is characterized by a pattern of disregarding or violating social norms, laws and the rights of others without remorse ― not being a loner, as the name might suggest. It’s estimated that roughly 3 percent of men and 1 percent of women meet the criteria for antisocial personality disorder. It’s worth noting that some experts prefer to use the term “psychopath” instead. Some use sociopath and psychopath interchangeably to describe a person with a more extreme case of antisocial personality disorder. Others, contend sociopaths and psychopaths are similar, but differ in some key ways ― for example, sociopaths lack empathy but are capable of it, while psychopaths are incapable of it altogether.” If you frequent my blog you are well aware I was in a life-threatening relationship several years ago. Although my ex never sought professional help (as many sociopaths don’t) I would bet my life on him being a sociopath. Since I am not a licensed professional, I can not technically diagnose him but like I said, I’d bet my life on it. I’ve also had my mental health professionals refer to him having a personality disorder… narcissistic, borderline as well as sociopathy. In the beginning, he was beyond everything I could’ve asked for. Little did I know what was to come or who he was behind the mask. If only I’d known what to lookout for I might’ve saved myself years of misery. So due to my own experiences I’m here to help you. Here are some of the most prevalent, common warning signs you or a loved one may be in a dangerous relationship with a sociopath. “RED FLAG #1. Having an over-sized ego. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-V) notes that sociopaths have an inflated sense of self. They are narcissists to the extreme, with a huge sense of entitlement. They tend to blame others for their own failures. They prey on your good qualities. People with sociopathic tendencies are accustomed to lying, so it’s not as hard for them to fake feelings. Some sociopaths are skilled at pretending they’re wounded and hurt. Sometimes a sociopath will target a woman because she’s big-hearted and maternal and vulnerable to wanting to care for someone who’s been emotionally hurt.” RED FLAG #2. Lying and exhibiting manipulative behavior. Sociopaths use deceit and manipulation on a regular basis. Why? Lying for the sake of lying. Lying just to see whether you can trick people. And sometimes telling larger lies to get larger effects. Their professions of love feel false and hollow. They often will say things like, ‘You’re the girl I’ve always wanted.“ Or, ‘I couldn’t be luckier to find someone like you.’ Sort of pat, trope, cliche expressions, as if they heard that in a movie and they’re merely repeating it. Their professions of love and caring do not feel genuine. Something about it feels off. They do not feel emotions in the same way that regular people do. What they do is see others express emotions in real life or on TV and then they mimic them.” My ex-boyfriend once dropped off a note on my car while we had been broken up and I had gone no contact for several weeks. What first appeared as a heartfelt, long, love letter, I later found out he copied off the internet. Of course he claimed to have created this beautiful poem himself but I guess he forgot the internet is a thing and how easy it would be to access the lyrics. Needless to say, it didn’t mean much after I found out it was copyrighted. “RED FLAG #3. Exhibiting lack of empathy. They don’t really have the meaningful emotional inner worlds that most people have and perhaps because of that they can’t really imagine or feel the emotional worlds of other people. It’s very foreign to them. They treat you or others with contempt and cruelty. You might also want to observe not just how they treat you, but how they treat other people in the room. Sometimes you’ll catch them behaving heartlessly to someone when they don’t know you’re watching. RED FLAG #4. Showing a lack of remorse or shame. The DSM-V entry on antisocial personality disorder indicates that sociopaths lack remorse, guilt or shame. They have volatile mood swings. This person might have unexpected, unstable and abrupt mood swings. You say something and suddenly they go into rage. A sociopath likes to control and manipulate. So if they thought their ability to control was being threatened, that might send them into a tizzy. RED FLAG #5. Staying eerily calm in scary or dangerous situations. A sociopath might not be anxious following a car accident, for instance. Experiments have shown that while normal people show fear when they see disturbing images or are threatened with electric shocks, sociopaths tend not to.” This is due to a difference in biology. FMRI scans show people with antisocial personality disorder have a different sized amygdala than someone without. This physiological difference may explain their constant need for stimulation as the amygdala also known as the “fight or flight” part of the brain, is in charge of emotions such as fear; which sociopath’s display less of. “RED FLAG #6. Behaving irresponsibly or with extreme impulsivity. Sociopaths bounce from goal to goal, and act on the spur of the moment, according to the DSM. They can be irresponsible when it comes to their finances and their obligations to other people. They may have a criminal past and refuse to take any responsibility for those misdeeds. Particularly if they tell you there was a criminal past but say, ‘It’s not my fault. They just did it to me. I happened to be in the wrong place and I was blamed.” Side note - My ex happened to say the same exact thing when he was convicted of a felony. According to him, however, nothing was ever his fault. “They’re constantly making messes you’re left to clean up. There would be regular crises in your life related to money going missing, or other relationships with family or friends breaking down, this is because the psychopath prioritizes his or her needs and enjoys risk-taking and sensation-seeking behavior. You would be left to clean up the mess. RED FLAG #10. Showing disregard for societal norms. They break rules and laws because they don’t believe society’s rules apply to them.” My ex boyfriend would smoke cigarettes inside of public restaurants, and whip out his penis in the middle of a family park. He would also frequently disregard traffic signs and make safety violations while driving. I’m not sure if he did this to be funny, to scare me, or because he felt he was above the law. Perhaps it was a mixture of all three. “They are also extremely controlling. You begin to detect that your partner is excessively controlling, dictating when, where, what time and under what circumstances you’re going to get together. They attempt to manipulate your behavior and control who your friends are and your activities. RED FLAG #7. Having few friends. Sociopaths tend not to have friends—not real ones, anyway. Sociopaths don’t want friends, unless they need them. Or all of their friends are superficially connected with them, friends by association. They don’t have many friends or close relationships. The individual is very, very evasive about their personal life and details of past relationships and very overly guarded and evasive. And if they get irritated when you probe them about it, that could be a bad sign. RED FLAG #8. Being charming—but only superficially. Sociopaths can be very charismatic and friendly — because they know it will help them get what they want. They are expert con artists and always have a secret agenda. People are so amazed when they find that someone is a sociopath because they’re so amazingly effective at blending in. They’re masters of disguise. Their main tool to keep them from being discovered is a creation of an outer personality. They seem too good to be true. They are that man or woman at a club or at a bar who just seems to be paying you too much attention and is too solicitous. However, you quite like the attention. That’s the thing about psychopaths: They can at first be fun to be around, and so you get drawn in. They need to do this, as they are later going to use you and all the information that they have extracted from you during this courting phase. They establish a closeness only in as much as it is useful to them. There’s something glib about their charm. There’s no depth to it. It can be turned on and off. RED FLAG #9. Living by the “pleasure principle. If it feels good and they are able to avoid consequences, they will do it! They live their life in the fast lane — to the extreme — seeking stimulation, excitement and pleasure from wherever they can get it. RED FLAG #11. Having “intense” eyes. Sociopaths have no problem with maintaining uninterrupted eye contact. failure to look away politely is also perceived as being aggressive or seductive.” I’d like to add, even if your partner does in fact, have many or all these characteristics, if you are indeed in a relationship with a sociopath you might dismiss them and brush it off as being “all in your head”. This is due to something called “gas-lighting” which is a manipulative tactic sociopaths use to make you believe you’re crazy. That’s why it can be so difficult to end a relationship with a toxic person. I’d like to reassure you if you suspect something is up with your significant other, you’re probably right. Especially if you spend a decent amount of time researching “am I in an abusive relationship” or look up videos on sociopaths. They’re very good at making you doubt yourself so you don’t leave them. I’d suggest listening to your intuition. Your instincts are there it just becomes harder to recognize while dating a dysfunctional person who abuses you. I hope this helped in even the slightest way. Feel free to reach out with any further questions or comments. Help is available and you are not alone. Contact the national domestic violence hotline for more information/resources.

[cummunication]

Jealous much??

Jealousy is defined as “thoughts or feelings of insecurity, fear, and concern over a relative lack of possessions. Jealousy can consist of one or more emotions such as anger, resentment, inadequacy, helplessness or disgust.” The situations where I’ve seen jealousy pop up are in relationships. Although you can be jealous of others’ success, genetics/looks, money etc., where I see jealousy appear most is whilst dating. The worst relationship I was in was overtaken by my partner’s jealousy. He was needy; demanding constant attention and validation 24/7. His clinginess was a huge turn off and his accusatory behaviors led to the downfall of our relationship. I could hardly even breathe without asking permission, let alone talk or look in the direction of the opposite sex, If I did, I would hear about it for days… being called a slut, cheater, etc. Sometimes, we can be petty and make our partners jealous on purpose (guilty) because we are doubtful and want to see if they actually “care”. When the tables are turned we can become resentful if we see them laughing a little “too much” with someone of the opposite sex. This is (sadly) a normal occurrence in any relationship/marriage etc. even in friendships. But these situations although difficult to discuss, can be perfect opportunities to communicate how we are truly feeling. “Most people feel a little jealous sometimes, especially when they have strong feelings of attraction and love for their partner, and a little jealousy occasionally can add zest to a relationship. But just as a spark can illuminate a room, a blaze can burn it to the ground. One of the most important factors in determining whether jealous feelings are good or bad for your relationship is how you (and your partner) express or respond to jealousy. But, more often, jealousy seems to be associated with relationship dissatisfaction, feelings of insecurity and conflict. Jealousy is a sign of wanting some form of exclusivity. But on a deeper level, jealousy is a sign of wanting to feel special to the person you're in a relationship with. Jealousy is also a fear of losing any special connection you may have with the person you're in a relationship with.” I’m not so much jealous as much as I envy other women. I can be incredibly salty when I see other girls who have traits I wish I had. This is why I try to avoid social media because I have the bad habit of comparing myself to others. Jealousy can be healthy to an extent - however, there’s a fine line between normal jealousy and toxic, unhealthy jealousy that leads to dysfunction. It’s important to know the difference so you can distinguish where you are at if this is something you struggle with. “Many people glamourize jealousy by saying it's a sign of love. It's not! It's a sign of insecurity and reflective of seeing your partner as an object to be possessed. Jealousy and possessiveness are not safe cocoons. Acting overbearing and possessive can change a loving relationship into one filled with envy, terror and control. Possessiveness comes from feelings of insecurity in a relationship. This jealousy will grow into control. Feelings of insecurity are the cause of jealousy. A poor self image and lack of self confidence can result in making you feel insecure about a relationship.” Don’t get me wrong, I can be super insecure. However, when we look at controlling, jealous people they tend to lean towards anxious-insecure attachment versus avoidant (which I identify with). Although I have insecurities as much as anyone else, mine are brought on by feelings of unworthiness, not so much fear my partner will cheat on me. These people tend to externalize their anger whereas I internalize mine. Although one is not better than the other, people who are covertly or overtly aggressive tend to fail at admitting they have an issue. This is where I would suggest therapy if you deal with severe jealousy as it can turn into abuse. The SLA twelve step program (sex and love addiction) may prove helpful. You can find a meeting near you on their website. “There's a fine line between jealousy and possessiveness, and it's important to keep yourself in check. It's one thing to feel jealous, it's another thing to allow it to sabotage your relationship. If you're not trusting your partner, there's a bigger issue there. It's also unhealthy when it leads to self-loathing. "A little bit of jealousy in a healthy relationship is fine," says biological anthropologist Helen Fisher. It might be tempting to think that someone is more interested in you, or cares for you more, because they express more jealousy or possessive behavior. We feel jealous in such moments because of our sense that a cherished connection we have with another person is threatened, and our fear that a loved one may find someone else to replace us. For such extremely jealous individuals, their jealousy almost always leads to the end of relationships.” People who are extremely jealous actually cause their worst fears to come true. They are so anxious and excessively worried their partner will leave them or fall in love with somebody else. In my personal experience, my ex who was overly possessive and insecure manifested his worst nightmare. It’s not that I stopped loving him at all; but his anger led me to push him away and not want to be around him. Although I did end up leaving, it was his behavior that led him to fulfill his fear of being dumped. “In the early stages of a relationship, young people seem to believe that jealousy and possessiveness are signs of great love and loyalty, of protectiveness and caring. Breathe out: Possessiveness indicates that a person is not able to trust . Pathological jealousy, also known as Morbid jealousy, Othello syndrome or delusional jealousy, is a psychological disorder in which a person is preoccupied with the thought that their spouse or sexual partner is being unfaithful without having any real proof, along with socially unacceptable or abnormal behaviour. Feeling insecure in your relationship can lead to needy behavior and unhappiness for both partners. Insecurities in a relationship can be destructive and a quick way to sabotage potential happiness. They can cause both men and women to make some of the biggest relationship mistakes out there.Insecurity is an inner feeling of being threatened and/or inadequate in some way. We've all felt it at one time or another. But while it's quite normal to have feelings of self-doubt once in a while, chronic insecurity can sabotage your success in life and can be particularly damaging to your intimate relationships.”

[cummunication]

new website (moving)

hey friends! now since my book is published you can check out my formal website for events, blog posts and to purchase your very own copy of trauma tears and triumph! 1% of all purchases will go to domestic violence awareness and prevention! find it here at www.laurencolletti.com

[cummunication]

My superpower [is my downfall]

I have a confession… I may or may not have a super power. It’s not flying or invisibility. It’s not telekinesis or x-ray vision; although that would be pretty cool. If I could I would change it… maybe to teleportation since I’m always running late. My superpower is…drum-roll please… being a highly sensitive introverted empath! Never heard of it before? You’re not alone. “A highly sensitive person (HSP) experiences the world differently than others. Due to a biological difference that they're born with, highly sensitive people are more aware of subtleties and process information deeply. HSP, or Highly Sensitive Person) is not a disorder, or a diagnosis. It is a neutral trait that evolved in 20% of the human population and many non-human species as well, because it is a survival advantage in some situations and not in others.” Being highly sensitive as well as empathic, is a blessing and a curse. It’s one which I feel lucky to have but at times doomed. If you aren’t aware of your HSP-E traits, it can get you into some shit. “There is no doubt about the fact that some people seem to have heightened emotions and be more sensitive than others. Having a particularly high level of emotional sensitivity is an actual condition - (HSP) In other words, being highly sensitive has an emotional dimension to it, and most HSPs would qualify as empaths — they tend to feel the emotions of others just like empaths do. At the same time, being an HSP also involves being more sensitive to all sensory input, not just emotions.” Introverts tend to be overly stimulated by external surroundings. This is why many introverts would also label as HSP’s. An introvert myself, I get anxious and exhausted in loud, busy crowds. Basically I need my alone and quiet time to relax and recharge. “Highly sensitive people are typically introverts whereas empaths can be introverts or extroverts, (though most are introverts) called Sensory Processing Sensitivity (SPS). ... The difference is, in addition to being an HSP, an empath is also clairsentient. That means that they can sense or feel the (emotional) energy around them without the use of their five senses. If you're a highly sensitive introvert, you know that everyday life can sometimes be a real struggle. ... Both introverts and extroverts can be highly sensitive, but the majority of HSPs are introverted (about 70 percent). When you're both an introvert and an HSP, it can feel like a one-two punch.” I personally love being introverted but at the same time, people can take offense to when I don’t jump at the offer of going out. It’s not that I don’t like spending time with my friends, it’s just it takes a lot of energy for me to want to stay out as well as engage with people on a consistent basis. I’m somewhat like a turtle, and could spend all day in my “shell” so to speak, with little desire to peak my head out. “In other words, being highly sensitive has an emotional dimension to it. At the same time, being an HSP also involves being more sensitive to all sensory input, not just emotions.” People who define as HSP’s may also be highly empathetic. As I’ve previously stated, this is a double edged sword. People with high empathy lean more towards helping or healing professions. Just because you are an empath however, does not automatically make you an HSP. “Empaths share all the traits of HSPs. These include a low threshold for stimulation, the need for alone time, sensitivity to light, sound, and smell, plus an aversion to large groups. Empaths share a highly sensitive person's love of nature, quiet environments, desire to help others, and a rich inner life.” As an empath, you are (unfortunately) prone to highly dysfunctional relationships/people. People develop high levels of empathy due to early traumatic experiences or growing up in a toxic environment as children. “Because empaths are thought to have hyper-responsive mirror neurons, we deeply resonate with other people's feelings. This means they lack the ability to feel empathy like other people do, which may be caused by an under-active mirror neuron system. Empaths are deeply sensitive individuals who are highly attuned to the emotions and energy of others. They can easily take on the emotions of others as their own. This can be a challenge when they have porous boundaries and end up absorbing the pain and stress of others. Empaths are highly attuned to other people's moods, good and bad. They feel everything, sometimes to an extreme. They take on negativity such as anger or anxiety, which can be exhausting for them. If they are around peace and love, though, their bodies take these on and flourish.” Unfortunately for us empaths, dangerous, predatory people are easily drawn to us and we can be attracted to them as well; since they are our opposite. This can make us easy, vulnerable targets for people with personality disorders that enjoy exploiting people with big hearts since they know we are easily forgiving. They also hate us because they envy our ability to love, which they are not able to do. “Narcissists are sensitive only for themselves whereas empaths are sensitive about the whole world. Most of the empaths are not aware of spiritual reasons of being in this toxic condition. They keep taking the guilt and blame till their breaking point comes. The empath is attracted to the narcissist, and feels their need for affection is being met even if the narcissist isn't doing anything to develop the connection. The empath feels fulfilled and “in love” just from being around them.” I also feel the need to mention that empathy and sympathy are not the same. People have the tendency to correlate and use empathy and sympathy interchangeably however, they are quite different. “The differences between the most commonly used meanings of these two terms is: sympathy is feeling compassion, sorrow, or pity for the hardships that another person encounters. empathy is putting yourself in the shoes of another, which is why actors often talk about it. Empathetic people do not just show concern or act sympathetically. They are able to imagine themselves in someone else's situation. An empath has the ability to physically feel and experience what another person is going through. They literally embody what is going on for other people, and the energy around them.” All in all, being an empath as well as a highly sensitive and introverted person can be draining and take a lot of emotional intelligence, as well as training to learn how to manage these characteristics as well as not get taken advantage of. It’s a beautiful thing to feel so deeply, especially living in the world we are today. That’s why it can be easy to believe “something is wrong with you” or that you don’t belong in a society which can be cruel and encourages people to listen to logic versus intuition. “Empaths are those in your life who are the healers, the nurturers, the highly sensitive lovers that give, and give, and give, often to the point of exhaustion. Though considered rare, empaths actually make up 15-20% of the population, meaning that there is a chance you yourself could be one. For empaths, it is related to the stress of constantly feeling other people's emotions.” It can be tempting to wish you didn’t feel things so extremely; when you’re high you’re super high but when you’re low, you come crashing down harder than ever, it can feel unbearable. I invite you to embrace your emotions and learn to cope with your feelings properly. The people whose lives you touch will be grateful you did… as well as yourself. 

[cummunication]

The craziest people I know (don’t go to therapy)

Therapy... I have an appointment today actually. I’ve been going for the last ten years. I first started seeing the school psychologist, going to my YFS center (youth and family services). I started going more regularly after my father died which was perfect since I would go during my lunch period. I had nobody to sit with at lunch so it was a perfect excuse to go. I began receiving outside counseling in eleventh or twelfth grade, once a week. At this point I was a minor so my mom paid. Now as an adult, I am thankful my mom brought me and paid because I see how inconvenient it can be and how it adds up. Even though most therapists accept insurance, some don’t. Even with insurance you can be paying 65$ up every time which is usually once or twice a week. That being said, I truly believe the best and most important thing we can invest in is ourselves and therapy is worth it. Therapy is being brought into the open which I’m very happy with but still, there is a stigma attached to counseling. The first thought most people have when they hear you are in therapy is “what’s wrong with them? Are they mentally unstable? Or, why do they need therapy?” People associate receiving help as something wrong with you or you can’t handle yourself. This is simply not true. The most mentally sane (or emotionally healthy people) are in therapy, receiving help for their issues. This is because they are open minded and willing to admit their flaws. They are ready to be proactive and willing to better themselves. I firmly believe everyone should be in therapy. Therapy isn’t just a useful tool where you receive an honest, outside opinion from a professional, but a time to be truthful with yourself, reflect, and gain useful insight. It’s immensely helpful in learning emotional intelligence and how to deal with feelings. Sometimes, when I suggest therapy to people, they say “I don’t need it, I’m not crazy” and to be completely honest, these are the people who need therapy the most. They are close minded, in denial and not willing or ready to deal with their shit. We all have things we should be willing to face, change and improve in ourselves. It’s not just people who have a diagnosable mental health disorder or went through a trauma that should go to therapy. I also hear therapy is “paying someone to be your friend”. This makes me sad because yes, like any other service, therapy is a business; but people who enter the human services, social work or psychology field are generally empathic people who truly care and want to help you. “If I go to a therapist, does that mean I'm crazy, weak or a failure? What will others think? What if I'm seen coming out of that kind of office? Such concerns are quite natural given our socio-cultural conditioning. Unfortunately, as a result, many people decide not to pursue counseling despite experiencing significant emotional, physical or mental distress. Let's clarify a few things. Most people who initiate counseling do not have a serious mental illness. They have serious life challenges or are going through difficult life-cycle transitions that may be taxing their current ability to cope. This, in turn, may be adversely affecting their well-being and ability to function as well as they would like. Examples of serious life challenges can be dealing with chronic work-related stressors; career issues; financial problems; health issues or a recent health diagnosis; family or parent/child conflict; cultural assimilation; and academic issues. Examples of difficult life-cycle related transitions can be the death of a family member or friend; the ending of a romantic relationship or close friendship; family/couple changes related to the addition of a child; getting married or divorced; care giving for loved ones due to illness or disability; and decision-making challenges related to these life choices. These are just some of the reasons why people decide to go to counseling. So, if you are going through one or more of these challenges at the same time, you're not alone. The effects are often cumulative, which is generally referred to as a 'pile-up' of stressors. Counseling during these times can be quite helpful in providing both the support and skills to better address these life challenges. Ultimately, it is an invaluable investment in your emotional, physical and mental health, an act of courage not weakness, and a gift to those whose lives you touch. But what if you’re not in a moment of “disaster relief?” Surprisingly, the best time to start therapy may be when your life’s going relatively well. Despite the fact that more than 59 million Americans seek the services of a mental health care professional each year, there’s a stigma that therapy is only for people suffering a debilitating mental illness or going through a massive interpersonal issue. The benefits of therapy extend far beyond periods of crisis. Many people want more than to be ‘not depressed.’ They wonder what they can do to be the happiest, most productive, most loving version of themselves. Because achieving your full potential requires a heck of a lot of self-knowledge, self-control, and—let’s be honest—hard work, it’s best done when you’re not in freak-out mode. What’s more, if there’s an issue in your life that’s causing you distress, it’s better to deal with it sooner than later. Over time, minor difficulties can bloom into disasters that have you hitting the tissue box hard. But the earlier you go to therapy and engage in introspection, the better off you are in the long run. The benefit of seeing a mental health professional is that it’s literally their job to reserve judgment and guide you toward what’s best for you. Whatever your decision, keep in mind that people’s resistance to your pursuit of mental health typically comes from their own fears: If you’re in therapy, it must mean they should be too. Or if you’re in therapy, you’ll change in a way that makes you less willing to be friends (or romantic partners) with them. Therapy simply allows it to happen with less trauma. While therapy can help remove the wool from your eyes, it won’t create problems where there were none to begin with. If you (rationally) determine you’re not in the right place—career-wise, romance-wise, or otherwise—congratulations! You’ve just identified a buried source of suffering. And by clarifying the origin(s) of your distress, you’re that much closer to living an authentically happy life. The most common types of therapy include cognitive behavioral, psychodynamic, family, and group. Whether you’re looking for a quick(ish) fix to a bad habit, anxiety issue, or phobia, or you’re just interested in some serious soul-searching (“What’s my life’s purpose?” “Why do I keep doing ____ in romantic relationships?”) there’s a therapy that’s waiting for you. Therapy isn’t supposed to eradicate all sadness, anger, frustration, or other negative emotions (envy, embarrassment, self-doubt, etc.). And thank goodness! Because often those tough emotions serve as an internal cue—if you’re listening. That’s where therapy comes in. It’s there to help you learn how to sit with, accept, and not be debilitated by these feelings—all while cultivating self-awareness. The result? You’ll be able to tune in and make choices that make the most sense for you. Rather than achieving perpetual bliss, the end result of therapy is to confidently navigate your life off the proverbial couch.” Also there are many excuses people will make to avoid or get out of therapy. I don’t have the time or money is a big one. What’s more, there are many free or low-cost support options, from hot lines to help groups. Those interested can visit the National Alliance on Mental Illness’s website for more resources. You can also check with your health care insurer to find a professional in your network, or search for practitioners in your area online. Or, if you’re a student, contact your campus health center. “Keep in mind that it’s important to find a therapist you “click” with. Often, this can mean trying out a few different providers before settling on the one who feels right for you. Therapy isn’t just for moments of earth-shattering personal tragedies. It can also be useful in reorienting yourself toward your true wants and needs, training yourself in the art of self-compassion, and better understanding, respecting, and communicating your feelings. And—surprise—it’s often easier to pursue these goals when you’re not wrestling bigger, darker obstacles. So consider this your permission to give therapy a try, even if your life is going hunky-dory. Your future self may just look back and say, “Thanks!”

[cummunication]

25 lessons for 25 years

July 15th marks my 25th year on this planet. 24 wasn’t a terrible year rather, one marked by significant milestones, as well as ups and downs. I was in a relationship, graduated college, published a book and started my first full time job post undergrad. Similar to last year, when I wrote “24 lessons in 24 years”, I am going to attempt 25 lessons learned in 25 years. I believe each and every year we are different and every year is an opportunity for growth; if we so choose. So let’s get to it shall we? These are 25 lessons learned throughout my quarter of a century on this planet. The ride has been an interesting one but I believe I will continue to grow with each passing year. 1. Nothing will change if you don’t deal with your shit 2. Having a black and white mentality does nothing but set you back. 3. Don’t base your value off of whether or not people value you. 4. You can’t change others; only how you react to them 5. Everyone just wants love and acceptance 6. I am not responsible for others happiness; we are all responsible for our own happiness 7. Forgiveness is often a one way street; your healing shouldn’t be dependent on an apology (it may never come) 8. People will very much often project how they are feeling onto you 9. Nobody is worth putting yourself through pain 10. Your adult relationships don’t have to echo those of your childhood. 11. If nobody else will love me, I can choose to love and be there for myself 12. External wounds fade and are forgotten; internal wounds rarely fade. Don’t treat them the way they treated you. 13. Usually the person causing us the greatest suffering is ourselves 14. There is still much to learn, always. 15. People lie. That doesn’t make them bad people…it only makes them wounded.. 16. In the end, I’ve never regretted choosing life over death 17. Help when and where you can but know when to back off. 18. You are not perfect and will never be. The only person expecting you to be, is you. 19. Mistakes are not bad. They are lessons on how to do better next time. 20. Don’t align yourself with those who cause you pain or heartbreak. They’re no longer worthy of you. 21. There are still good people in this world. 22. Don't ignore the red flags now because you will regret it later. Trust your intuition, always. 23. You don’t own anyone and nobody owns you. It’s always possible to take your power back. You owe nobody anything except authenticity. 24. Emotions do not define you but how you deal with them does. Know there will be sunny and stormy days. All emotions are useful. 25. Other people don’t see you, or judge you, the way you judge yourself. All in all friends, stay hopeful — you don’t have to do it alone. You might take a few wrong turns before you find it, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Good luck on your journey.