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My John Mulaney fan art! @mulaney

/click for better quality/

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i get scared when i get along with my mum

i get scared when i get along with my mum..

we haven’t properly fought in 2 months and that scares me because i know its just a matter of time until we fight again and i dont want that.

i dont know how to do it? how do i have a good relationship with my mum?

uni season is coming up and i already know the stress this is going to bring on. i dont know what i want to do? what uni do i want to go to, i dont know where? and the lack of motivation my depression will bring on will bring fights about not looking at unis or doing work for college.

and my exboyfriend is popping up in my life again??? and my mum likes him so i dont know what will happen if i bring it up to her. i DONT want to bring it up to her because she’d probably defend him,, “ohh hes such a nice boy just give him the vinyl back or we could pay him for it!” well mum, APPARENTLY the vinyl was £50 even tho its listed at £21 on amazon, £25 on ebay, FREE SHIPPING. 

theres so many things that could turn into an argument and i dont have the emotional or mental stability and strength to argue. if we do argue i’ll probably end up relapsing on sh or maybe even ed.

i feel like fucking killing myself and everything is just making it worse and an argument with my mum will probably make it worse.

i wish i could go into a coma for a couple months, until covid is over, until i have to go to uni, etc. etc.

ugh idk

-sofia

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songs you should listen to based on you zodiac sign, small musician edition

aries: on your back by cherry & the feverdreams

taurus: novocaine by lia rye

gemini: deserve my love by leona mae

cancer: not okay by poppy green

leo: look like me by f4çade

virgo: coverband by gemini gemini

libra: fields of honey by harmony tunbridge

scorpio: 6teen by tv cupid

sagittarius: jane by the apehouse

capricorn: earl grey by honor carr

aquarius: leanne by the kurfew

pisces: somewhere in germany by tv cupid

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my music!!

im on all music streaming platforms as “Tv Cupid”, i’m on apple music under “sofia b”

i also have an lp coming out on the 7th of march so if this reaches you, check it out!!!

i appreciate all the people that listen to me! <3

6teen: https://open.spotify.com/track/0sI3fL3emyBU9D7bFWnxN8?si=zECUfvDPTYKxUgET5i0_hw

somewhere in germany: https://open.spotify.com/track/5oHyeWzYphck7QJCgLiNoI?si=FQbnWDVrTKa-rn1I1z-rBQ

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[TW] motion sickness by phoebe bridgers and my life rn

TW: drug use, abuse, mental illness, grenfell, swearing

have on repeat: https://open.spotify.com/track/6LxcPUqx6noURdA5qc4BAT?si=qvMFw5S_Sa61qLvQIER__g

it’s been a year since i left my abusive ex but it seems like only now i’m starting to get flashbacks to the times he hit me, and how no one helped me. and every time i remember it i freeze to the spot, like physically and emotionally. i’m starting to think that it has affected me more than i thought.

then theres the grenfell flashbacks that hit me out of nowhere and are usually before the abuse flashbacks. i know that messed me up already but it’s just been getting worse since it happened. i have a feeling that its gonna be like that with the abuse, which i’m not very excited for.

i barely think about my most recent ex. like i obviously think of him if something with a sort of relevance to him pops up (like centrists, scott pilgrim, marvel, frank ocean, etc.) but today i got into some beef with someone him and i both disliked and his words about her kinda came back to me, “this is typical of her, she sucks up to you because she sees something useful in you and then once she gets what she wants then she stops talking to you”. i still wholeheartedly agree, i told this to the person who is also getting beefed by this girl and she fully agreed, “one of the truest things your piece of shit ex has ever said”, she said. 

i’m not really too fussed about this beef though, i have bigger things going on. sure it’s an inconvenience that she and a couple of other people (some which weren’t involved in the first place) are acting like year 7s, not something i want to particularly deal with when i’m getting flashbacks to traumatic things, having a fucked up sleeping schedule (i mean EXTREMELY  fucked up. i went to sleep at 11am and woke up at 11pm. 11AM TO 11PM. WHAT THE FUCK??) and obviously this beef is sort of making me feel anxious. or giving me more reasons to feel more anxious about school. i don’t really get along with majority of my class. i’m thinking of temporarily dropping out, you know? like i’ll attend class and stuff online but i just don’t want to be in, you know? i can’t be arsed with immature and hypocritical people who are OLDER than me.

i guess the reason why only a small amount of people in my class are more mature than most of the class is because we’ve been through stuff, you know? like i only gave you two pieces of my trauma in this post, and like the only two people i’m actually fond of have had trauma that i know about because they’ve told me personally.

i hate that people in my class are like “oh i care about mental health, mental health is important”, yet they mean the ‘i cry and feel bad about stuff’ type of stuff, not things like the ‘my hair is matting and i cant get out of bed because i don’t have the motivation to do so’, or stigmatised mental illnesses like bipolar disorder or bpd or ocd or things like that. when you say “mental health matters”, you should really mean it because if you act the opposite of that then it affects other people’s mental health, and you can’t get offended when they say that to you.

i’ve lost the motivation to go in once a week now. mostly because the amount of people there. i liked it better when i went in and there was like maybe 4 other people there? now it’s bumped up to like 10 in total. and obviously if you’re going in because it genuinely helps your mental health thats fine, but don’t be as loud as you’re being, i mean, we’re still doing our classes and i can barely hear what my teacher is saying. i always have to go to the library in the end and by then its useless because i have like 15 minutes left. going in isn’t helping me a lot anymore. school in total isn’t helping me point blank. the people there are incredibly toxic, the things i liked about it have been overshadowed by said toxic people, lockdown isn’t really helping anything. 

i’ve started drinking a lot more, and i wish i could smoke in my house, but my parents are kind of weird on that, i don’t know if they’re okay with me smoking or not and if they are i don’t know if it’s because they’ve found my cigarettes too many times or whatever. i wish i still had some drugs to do, i’ve been living on snorting crushed up paracetamol recently. it makes everything fuzzy. and hey, i’m desperate, last time i did any drugs i got semi high from really shit weed from a bong that used cranberry juice as the water and it lasted 15 minuted anyways. oh well, i guess currently its me, smoking out my window at 5am and snorting crushed up paracetamol for now.

that all being said;

i went for a night drive with my parents last night. we went around the city and i rolled the windows down and listened to phoebe bridger’s song “motion sickness” while i looked out and felt the cold on my face.

why is that the only way i can feel peaceful?

cold night air, music, darkness.

why that?

why it is i don’t know, but i guess it works.

-sofia

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Syd Barrett, 1969 - Ph. Mick Rock

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feed the punk!! give him a blem!!

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bathroom and the hippie fit

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bathroom @ school

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mohawk hijabs

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pumped up kids ; foster the people

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baby with cigarette