curiouskoi - Tumblr blog

[curiouskoi]

i miss the person you were before

loving me with no conditions

as if the sun required me to rise with it

as if the moon spoke soft tales of me

i thought promising my life to you would advance these

instead it has me looking back and wondering

when did the flowers stop blooming because i asked them to

[curiouskoi]

i wish we could all just love our bodies

completely and deeply without using the word 'despite'

without wishing to be as we were as children

i wish we could all just look at ourselves in a mirror

entirely as we are and say 'hey, thank you for all you have done

i forgive you for changing and accept you as you are

i will stop expecting you to fit into a criteria established by outside opinion

and instead love you for everything you have sacrificed to give me,

for all you are

and all you will become'

[curiouskoi]

please tell me

this is not all there is to this life

i crave adventure, freedom and a love only knowing of kindness

i resent you for tricking me into a life lacking of such

but most of all

i resent myself for becoming so settled in it

that i forgot how to daydream and chase shooting stars

never again shall i find myself stuck

in a life with no magic

[curiouskoi]

it is funny

that you held such expectations on me

never batting an eye when i achieved them each and every day

but as i place those expections on you in return

suddenly they are unjust

[curiouskoi]

you shatter my heart, you shatter my soul

and then without a second thought

hold me and ask me if i still love you

as if you are still deserving of me

fuck you

[curiouskoi]

how you can sit there and watch me fall apart over something you did

without as much as a flinch

i will never understand it

you are not who you once were

hardly recognisable

i need to stop loving you like i used to love you

and need to love myself enough to let you go

[curiouskoi]

stranger danger is what they told us

people you do not know will want to inflict harm

but it is not the touch of a stranger that keeps me awake when the sky is black

it is the touch of a childhood friend, pushing me down on her bed and asking me if i could keep a secret

it is the touch of my husband, forcing himself in me on our own bed as i begged him to let me go, cradling our 6-week-old son

i'm not afraid of strangers, i'm afraid of the ones who i am supposed to trust

[curiouskoi]

when i shoved my highschool bully to the ground and threw my force at him as payback for every degrading slur he ever used

you got down and held him tighter than you'd ever held me as you told me how insane i was

as if the pain i inflicted on him even scraped the surface of mine

as if i had done this on a whim with no reason or right

thats how i knew you would never choose me

and finally, i'll let you go too

[curiouskoi]

and although i know you were never meant to be my forever

my heart will ache for you until it no longer beats

- you will always remain my 'one that got away'

[curiouskoi]

what were you thinking?

when you called me that wednesday evening

i had not heard from you in over five years

you had to clear your own concious, did you not?

did it eat at you all the time?

the way you stole my childhood and left me with permanent reminders of what you did

you were sorry?

are you still sorry?

does the thought of me shoving you away and begging you to stop keep you awake now as it obviously did then?

or have you moved on?

lucky girl

i will be healing from you forever

[curiouskoi]

and when you told me how proud you were of yourself for keeping your children safe from rape, i realised that you were actively choosing what to see

and you never saw me, not once

[curiouskoi]

you threw me into the ocean without knowing if i could swim and as i sank to the bottom, you demanded to know why i chose to drown and never questioned why you chose to throw me

[curiouskoi]

find me in every book I have ever read