darlingimsxcared

[darlingimsxcared]

rarities.

Sometimes I feel like nobody wants to see me happy or live out my dreams. If I am not doing anything then the waters are calm but when I try to go off and do something totally out of the ordinary, I am met with the extremities of.... Extremes? I guess is the best way to put it.

I get it, I'm a mom. A mom first. Sometimes life gets so boring on a consistent basis to the point where I get on a dating app, put my location 3,000 miles away in Wales, fall in love with somebody for it to just completely blow up in my face. I felt a connection with someone 3,000 miles away. I can't imagine he is not feeling the same or going through the same emotions as I am because if he wasn't then the feelings weren't as real as they were for him like they were for me. We can all sit here and say bullshit like it was the accent. No it wasn't JUST the accent. We spent 5 days communicating back and forth to the point of exhaustion talking about life and common interests. We both had a created this monster that was becoming so much bigger than both us of that I did not know how to navigate it anymore. I reached my limit. He wanted to get on this 2 year plan, liquidate his business and come live with me, my son, and my family. I could not give that to him. And when he was met with my suggestion that he got his own place he called it quits. Not to mention he suffered from PTSD and also had a temper. How can I trust somebody like that after I have not even met you, slept with you, spent a single moment of time together? Maybe when we did meet things would've been different. I don't know where my life will be in 2 years but I am also not asking you to come here and you possibly hate it here & then completely dismantle your entire life there! I wanted this person but I could not provide him with opportunities. I started to feel like I was his way out of the UK.

When someone starts telling you, how do you feel about traveling in an RV for 2 months and like your friends coming to visit you from back home, you can't help but start to feel a certain type of way. And then the thought of you starting your business back up here and meeting someone new and then leaving me. That's the issue with these UK guys. You will come here, I'll provide you with a better life and yet you will go and cheat on me and probably leave me for someone 10x better looking than me and then what?

It got so serious between us within those 5 days that I reached out to TLC to potentially do 90 day fiancé---before the 90 days.

It was all a really tough pill to swallow but at the end of the day, I could not provide a home for you and YOU gave up and couldn't deal with my "inconsistencies." If you really cared you could've said well you know what I think that is a better idea, I am not sure how we will manage to do that but we will figure it out because you're right... I can't just move in with you, your son and your family. There is barely going to be room for me... in my own home, where do I put you? That's why when I got on this dating app, I put long-term relationship, lets chat and see where this goes.

I can't help it but I love rare things. I love rare people. Rare Animals. But then again who doesn't? I guess people that don't just like simple. While I do love simple, simple can get quite boring. I want a friend or friends in different places. Experiencing new cultures and different humans keeps life interesting. I just don't want to be looked at as an opportunity.

With that being said... I hope someday we get to reconnect properly with different intentions.

[darlingimsxcared]

Every day is a worry but I do my best to just hope & pray that everything will truly be okay. The older you get the tougher it seems to be. We don’t know what is ahead for any of us but all I know is that as long as I continue to stay in this safe space and not let anyone in, I am sure to stay exactly where I need to be. Life is truly anxiety driven. If we all were handed out the cards on the table to know and expect what is to come I think we can find comfort in that.

When my marriage ended & I met this new person, I was warned to stay away & he was bad news. Sure enough he was. I was invested but a year & a half later after zero changes & plenty of chances I gave up. He has to live with that, not me. I have come to realize that I have one life & my son has one childhood I will do everything to make sure it is a positive and happy one without any kind of nonsense and unnecessary drama and BS. We don’t need that. That relationship wasn’t serving me anymore & I am completely okay with that. Sometimes you have to go through a certain situation and season of life to learn & grow. That I did. I matured & became so much more independent. Things I wish I could tell my younger self—- don’t depend on anyone. Take care of yourself first. Set yourself up for a future that you know will be beneficial to you & you alone. The rest will fall into place. Focus on your studies & education rather than boys. All of that is so temporary.

The only thing I regret is not following my dreams & passion for my love of animals. I know it’s never too late but right now and again, I believe I am exactly where I need to be.

I’m sorry that things ended up this way but it’s for the better. You truly helped me in ways you probably wouldn’t ever understand. You’re not the type to grasp reality or will understand my brain just in the way I’ll never understand yours. So with that—- take this as a lesson learned and move on.

Living this life of freedom is one of the best experiences. Yes I’m sad about my marriage; I lost my best friend but he held me back from a lot, not intentionally. I’m a better mother and person for all of it.

[darlingimsxcared]

Where to begin…

I knew. It wasn’t what was to be expected but you reached out to me, & I called it. The day I was going to fly back home from Florida you contacted me. Not about us but about the cat. I am glad we seem to be on the same page on where we stand. We shouldn’t be together. You aren’t for me. I deserve better & not to be disrespected. I’m so grateful for the time we did spend together. Our memories together will stay with me & no matter what I think I will forever care about you as a human being along with your kids & V. I miss you, us, & what we had but i am on level 30 & you are truly on level 27 possibly lower. I pray & hope only for the best for you. You can’t be & won’t be what I need you to be. What is super strange is that I listened to Dance Gavin Dance for the first time while in Florida to try & recreate new memories rather than think of you when I listen to them. & then you had to message me today, the day that I leave. Sometimes I wonder if i have some kind of magical gift that summons people into my life? It’s just like when we were together I would listen to one of our songs & then I would hear from you. I don’t want to think of you when i listen to them. So hopefully I have done some damage control when it comes to that! I have to continue to try & let you go. This trip was supposed to try and help erase you so I am going to try and not let this little hiccup mess me up.

When i get back home I need to vow to quit smoking & get back to exercising every day. Focus on myself & my son. Move forward. Work really hard & take advantage of the long weekends & holidays in Florida with my baby. I need to make sure he grows up living life happy & with little worries as possible.

I pray for a safe flight home. I cant wait to see my son & my furbabies. & Mommy comes in 2 weeks!!!! Cant. Freaking. WAIT!!! 😍

Praying for a good work week & for good vibes only.

xo

[darlingimsxcared]

This song off the new BMTH album is everything.

[darlingimsxcared]

I love when the Christmas cups at Starbucks arrive! 🎅🏻🎄

[darlingimsxcared]

always pondering

my brain just doesn’t stop.  each day that passes I am constantly asking myself like what am I doing with my life and where am I going? is my marriage ok? am i happy? are WE happy? I mean I feel like we are two very different people from 11 years ago.  we both are just on different pages.  when I think about us not being together, it horribly plays out in my head.  you get angry, upset, cry... and tell me you lose everything.  

things changed when I was a few months pregnant.  all that was important was me and our child that I was carrying.  then you... you had the nerve to go behind my back and try and make dinner plans with a co-worker and tell her shes beautiful and just ugh. four years later and no i’m still not over it.  I don’t think I’ll ever get over it. i still get choked up over it. 

[darlingimsxcared]

this song is like really fricken good. even my 4 year old son loves it.

[darlingimsxcared]

mondayz

yesterday was such a busy day that today I just wanted to zone out.  went to a Bombolini making class hosted by Fabio Viviani. it was something definitely needed during this psychotic time with everything going on since you can’t really do anything. Or really I suppose you can. It probably is the best time to do whatever you can because people are holed up inside their homes and are afraid to come out because of COVID & not only that but the protests. Since we are never downtown we grabbed donuts from Do-Rite Donuts which is a must when you are in the city. We were going to go to Molly’s cupcakes which is now so conveniently located next door but I know that a mall not too far from me started carrying them not too long ago. I just hope that they still do, if not oh well.  Then we drove over to Eataly & grabbed some Cremespresso which is also a MUST because you literally can NOT find that good shit anywhere! I asked for the largest size & the barista was not nice and wouldn’t give me the largest size as it only came in one size. -_- I just didn’t understand why he couldn’t charge me double for a medium? Whatever.  During this time if I were these people I would be accommodating as possible.  We also stopped at Goddess & The Baker to pick up two slices of rainbow cake! It is literally the best.

I was fortunate enough to have my mother in law watch my son so it gave me a huge mommy break for the day!

I am so exhausted now.  The gears are constantly turning in my head with all kinds of ideas and projects I would love to accomplish but I am just so tired.  I keep telling myself well the book isn’t going to write itself and the youtube channel isn’t just going to appear on its own.  I need to just DO it.  Tomorrow I also am getting back on the diet.  I went on a break yesterday and today because there was just too much good stuff around me to just not pass up.  

Now, I wait for my 4 year old to fall asleep so I can also catch some zZzzzZzs.

[darlingimsxcared]

up early

wah oh well. such as life.. which is so busy lately.  my son is starting pre-k. i am trying to still figure my life out which is a constant battle so there is that.  School is out of the question.  me and the hus were talking about it last night and what might be best for me is to just ride a desk when it is time to go back to work. i just get so torn on whether I want to have another baby.  I have weighed the pros & cons many times.  As a family unit do we want to enjoy life or be financially setback? Lets face it, while kids may be a blessing they also cost a ton of money, ok. I love my son and we give him everything. We spoil him because we want him to be happy & to look back on his childhood and say, “My mom and dad gave me a great life while growing up.”  What can I say about my parents? LOL well now that I think about it... no I don’t hold it against them that didn’t get me that toy from the store that I wanted so badly, but that isn’t what goes through my head. I just don’t want the tantrum in front of people.    Every time we go to the store he needs to get a toy and if he doesn’t, all hell breaks loose.  It just has become a huge problem and yes I know, I am the parent I should be able to say no and let him scream and cry.  I hate the attention when it gets put on me.  I tell my husband I need to just go to the store alone and he says just put your foot down and say no.  Whatever, I’m over it.

Dieting has been going well.  It doesn’t go well when we visit with my in laws.  We always eat like garbage so yesterday wasn’t a good day, but hey today is a new day.  Just because I had a bad day yesterday doesn’t mean to continue to eat like garbage.  I need to take care of my health from here on out and that is exactly what I am going to do.

I dabbled a little into my writing last night.  It is going to take me forever to complete this book but hopefully little by little it will just come together.  It is my escape from reality and I love that I can go to this place with this other person and just be happy sometimes.  

p.s. has anyone read midnight sun? worth the read? I was really into Twilight 10 years ago, back in highschool and as I got older I got really put off by the Twi-Moms. sorry ladies. its weeird. 

[darlingimsxcared]

its been awhile...

*sigh* where do i even begin..

Last time I wrote in here the world was pretty much on lockdown.  Now that the world has opened back up its been back to a fast paced life.  I woke up to hearing the city got looted which is seriously unbelievable.  Hearing these black lives matter activists say it’s okay to loot because that means that’s food on the table or clothes on their back makes me sick to my stomach. We struggle financially and you don’t see us out there taking things without paying for them. It just makes me so upset.  And the mayor and the governor are refusing marshall law and assuring us that these people will be prosecuted.  I call bullshit. They’ve pretty much have stripped the police of their duties because GOD FORBID something happens...............

ugh whatever.  It seriously is taking a mental toll on me. i need to shut off the news. 

[darlingimsxcared]

Is the world ending?

Because that’s what it sure feels like! I remember reading about all this when it first broke out in China & I remember thinking wow, that is just crazy and I could never imagine living in a world where we are being told to stay home and practice social distancing. I have never heard of that term before in my life but you know what? After all this is over and I don’t want to speak to someone I can just say I’m social distancing at the moment let’s try again later. hah

My mom found toilet paper finally! I told her to stake out at Jewel Osco in this one suburb and I told her YOU WILL GET IT, I promise! lol and sure enough she got it & the Snapchat she sent me was great. The smile on her face because she found Toilet. Paper! This all feels like a really bad dream that we can’t wake up from. We can’t find anything at the store. No bread, chicken, soap, feminine products, NOTHING!

My 3 year old tells me to keep the windows closed In the car because coronavirus will get in. lol. Kids say the darnest things!

My Peloton streak is alive and well! However, I need to do better with my eating. Still not doing the greatest on that.

I’m going to try and start documenting day to day on this. I think it’s a good idea to do so for the future and I guess we will see.

Anyone else not understand the stock market numbers? I never have.

Okay I’m tired. Going to go back to watching WGN. Drink my green tea because i still have no stopped doing that either! And hopefully we have some really good luck finding some essential things at the store today.

Stay safe everyone! Keep moving!

[darlingimsxcared]

Fri-Yay?

Things have been not so great. My mood has been so wacky & I feel down all the time. I don’t feel happy. I feel like I am having a constant battle with myself & I’m barely hanging on. :/

I’m almost afraid of myself. I’m scared. I feel like my husband is lying to me again. I feel so insecure all the time.

Everything just feels on my shoulders right now & there doesn’t seem like there is a way to just get it off of me.

I’m doing my best to stay strong for my son. He needs me & so do my doggies. I have 3 little lives that depend on me & love me so much.

I can & i will fight this crappy feeling inside of me. 🤜🏼👊🏻🤛🏼

[darlingimsxcared]

life

I've gotten to the point in my life where I have become less caring of others. I don't know like for example my extended family.  On my mom’s side I have 7 first cousins and as we have gotten older we have lost touch and grown apart. & their parents aka my mom’s siblings are just really crappy people.  My mom’s sisters are not nice and talk really horrible about me when they think they know the ins and outs of my life when they know absolutely nothing.  I hate it so much and I’ve just gotten to the point where it’s like I don't want to be around anyone anymore except my close family and no one beyond that.  

As you get older in life things get so much more complicated & no matter what you do nothing really matters because we all end up in the same place at the end of it all. 

I just need to get my focus back on my health (Because I have been bad & had 1 too many Paczkis!) Although I have been exercising every day still! As a matter of fact I’m taking my 100th ride today on the Peloton! I also need to get my focus back on my writing and forget about the rest of the world.

My Husband, My Son, My Mom, My Dad, My Siblings, My Step-Parents, & My Pets are what is important. <3

[darlingimsxcared]

writing

Organizing a story that you are creating is seriously a b-i-t-c-h

[darlingimsxcared]

Happy Valentine’s Day

Today I woke up just feeling happy. I put myself in this mindset that life is great. Everything is fine. Debt may be piling up but it’s going to be okay right? I mean everyone has debt, I’m not crazy? The medical bills are out of control. I just don’t know how one income families do it. If there’s anyone out there reading this please holler at ya girl over here. I don’t want to feel alone.

Also is anyone else’s 3 year old not brushing their teeth every day & night? He’s going to the dentist next month & seriously I do not want to get yelled at. I try all the time to get this kid to brush his teeth & he just will not budge. Also he has been sleeping with me since the day he was born. On the couch. So we have developed a couple of bad habits.

Valentine’s Day was good. Hubby worked all day. He picked up a couple of heart shaped pizzas & a salad for me! We got to watch a few episodes of mindhunter & we are on to season 2! In that last episode Jonathan Groff got me. He is super cute 😍

So I’m trying super hard to write this book. I want to complete it & then release it slowly on Wattpad week by week. I am having such a difficult time organizing my story. It’s so all over the place & I just need so much help. I wish I had like a partner to do this with. I don’t know what to do. I’m literally just going to keep writing & just get to a point where I’ll have to put it together piece by piece.

Nighty Night!

[darlingimsxcared]

Thursdays are for cleansing!

I was completely successful with giving my body a break from eating today! I know, I know it’s not good to like starve yourself but seriously I was not starving. I drank a lot of tea & water and I felt fine! This is how I challenge myself. Tomorrow I’ll wake up & have my tea and my shake! I really can’t wait to have my frosted mini wheats!! It’s all worth it! I’m wondering if I should weigh myself tomorrow. No, I’m not doing it! I am vowing to not get on my scale for a full year! When I go to the doctor is a different story & that’s how I’ll track my progress.

I was reading through my xanga & I am seriously so ashamed at my 13 year old self. I was constantly swearing & using the word gay. I was constantly starting trouble with people. I am so like embarrassed. I just can’t believe that was me. That’s horrendous. I blame my parents. 100% & another thing... omfg my #1 priority was boys! I said to my husband today like had I made education my main priority I would have a career right now & we would be set. But I had a hard head & not so great of parents. My dad was not a dad. He literally did nothing except kept us alive. My mom well it seems like her main priority was men. It’s so upsetting. If I could go back I would do it all so different. So if you are reading this & you are concerned about boys & drama, I AM TELLING YOU ITS NOT WORTH IT. Focus on yourself & your education. If your parents suck just make your education your escape. Study & study hard. I have none of my friends except for a couple & I never see them because my family is my priority. My son, my husband & my 2 doggies. Good friends are truly hard to find so if you got them keep them around but don’t be stupid like I was. I lived that life & looking back now its just so atrocious.

Stay positive! Have a great sleep! Take care of yourself & your bodies! Stay healthy! Exercise! We have one life. I’ve been saying it for too long & I finally got tired of feeling groggy & angry all the time. I’ve never been in such good moods so consistently.

[darlingimsxcared]

good ol’ days

so i logged into my old photobucket & found like so many icons that I would post on my Xanga.  I’d love to just repost them all so maybe just little by little I will :)

lmao how about my away message: 

Auto response from Bruises0nMiHeart (11:02:52 PM): I*m not afraid of heights I*m afraid of falling. I*m not scared of the dark I*m scared of whats in it. && I*m not afraid to love I*m afraid of not being loved back. go leave me a comment on myspace or something..

This is when I loved Miley Cyrus.  

I was obsessed with Ed Hardy. 

Berries n Cream Berries n Cream! lol I loved this commercial. I’m pretty sure you can just go on youtube & find it if you haven’t seen it.  It’s a good one.

okay i think thats all for now! there is so much.