dearryker-loves - Tumblr blog

[dearryker-loves]

Calming Baby Ryker down after an episode caused by CPTSD trigger.

We’re going to be okay 💜❤️‍🩹🤍

[dearryker-loves]

[dearryker-loves]

uh hi so!

i wrote this webpage that walks u thru looking after yourself when you know a thought is making you spiral. deployed it publicly bc i wanted it on mobile and i thought other people might like it too

check it oot

[dearryker-loves]

Sometimes the most healing thing we can do is remind ourselves over and over and over other people feel this too.

Andrea Gibson (via thehopefulquotes)

[dearryker-loves]

Unclean

No matter how hard

I scrub

I cannot get your filth

Off of my skin.

I still see

Your dirty fingerprints

Stamped

On

My body.

I still see my

Innocent and

Utterly helpless

Reflection

Every time I look in the mirror

Do you?

Do you see the filth you left on my skin?

Do you see the dirty fingerprints?

Do you feel

Ashamed

When you look at yourself in the mirror?

Do you endlessly try to scrub off the defilement

You imprinted onto me?

Do you choke on the thought of

All the kids you’ve caused to suffer?

Do you want to strangle yourself

At the thought of someone finding out what

You’ve done?

Do you want to hurt yourself over and over

Because you believe you deserve to be

Eternally punished for what’s been

Done to you?

Because I do.

I do and

It’s killing me

Slowly.

You’re still killing me.

Please

Let

Me

Go.

[dearryker-loves]

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. If you are a victim, know it is never your fault. Sending so much love to anyone who has ever had to experience this. 💙 Pls share and educate yourselves 🙏

[dearryker-loves]

Signs

T.W: Mentions of child sexual abuse, eating disorder, self harm and suicide.

“But He was 

Always 

Such a happy 

Kid.”

            Signs Of Child Abuse

  1. Unexplained injuries. 

 Unconvincing explanations of a child’s injuries.

Mom: Hey baby?  What are all those cuts on your back from?

Kid: Those are just heat scrapes, Mommy. You know from the sun?

 2.Changes in behavior.

 Abuse can lead to many changes in a child’s behavior.  Abused children often appear scared, anxious, depressed, withdrawn or more aggressive. 

Kid: *Hyperventilating, sweating, leg viciously bouncing up and down*

Teacher: “You are breathing too loud and it's distracting the others. Can you stop bouncing your leg?! If you don’t stop being so disruptive I’m going to have to send you to the principal's office and call your parents .”

                                    3.Returning to earlier behaviors.

Abused children may display behaviors shown at earlier ages such as  thumb-sucking, bed-wetting, fear of the dark or strangers. For some children, even loss of acquired language or memory problems may be an issue.

At 12 years old he still sleeps with the light on and wakes up in a sweaty panic after he wets his bed, most nights after each nightmare.

  4. Fear of going home.

Abused children may express apprehension or anxiety about leaving school or about going places with the person who is abusing them.

Parents: You’re going to go over to Joseph's house for the day tomorrow while we go into town.

Kid: *Begins to cry and throw a tantrum * 

Please don’t leave me with him! Please just take me with you! I’ll be good! I promise! I don’t want to go play with Joseph. Please just bring me with you!

                                             5.Changes in eating behaviors.

 The stress, fear and anxiety caused by abuse can lead to changes in a child's eating behaviors, which may result in weight gain or weight loss.

By the age of fifteen the now teenager has developed an avid eating disorder. A vicious cycle of restricting- binging and purging while his weight fluctuates going way up and then way down. 

 6.Changes in sleeping habits. 

 Abused children may have frequent nightmares or have difficulty falling asleep, and as a result may appear tired or fatigued.

Since the age of five he has suffered from extreme recurring nightmares and has been plagued by brutal night terrors since the age of ten, and has now developed insomnia out of immense fear of going to sleep. 

                    7.Changes in school performance and attendance.

 Abused children may have difficulty concentrating in school or have excessive absences, sometimes due to adults trying to hide the children’s injuries from authorities.

Since starting public school in the third grade. He has immensely struggled to focus and pull through in class. Constantly falling asleep in class and forgetting his homework. He shows little interest in learning. He cries when he gets in trouble and hysterically panics when the teacher threatens to call his parents.

                                        8.Risk-taking behaviors.

 Young people who are being abused may engage in high-risk activities such as using drugs or alcohol or carrying a weapon.

Every day of elementary school he purposefully gets injured in P.E. or causes enough drama with his fellow classmates that drives them to physically beat him up after school or during recess. Constantly having one or two black eyes and multiple other bruises and cuts all over his body, even sometimes coming to school with a brace on his fingers, arms, wrists, ankles, and knees from sprains or minor fractures. In eighth grade it gets less obvious as he begins self harming by scraping and cutting parts of his body such as thighs, forearms and  shoulders with staples, safety pins, scissors and even taking apart pencil sharpeners and using the dull blade. He has also started burning his hands and arms with erasers. He always has something with him to harm himself either in his pocket or the backpack he carries around. He tries to hide all this with his long sleeves, but he lives in Texas and it’s getting close to summer so it’s at least 98 degrees outside... and he’s wearing a long sleeve every day. This goes on until in college they add in experimenting with over the counter drugs to their self harm routine. Every night taking a different concoction in different amounts hoping  one night they will have made the potion that will allow them to not wake up. 

                                  9.Inappropriate sexual behaviors.

 Children who have been sexually abused may exhibit overly sexualized behavior or use explicit sexual language.

At five years old he was taught to touch himself in places people rarely see when no one was around. He never understood what he was doing but it’s what Joseph told him to do so he did it without question, but he knew to keep it a secret. He’s kept that secret for eighteen years. He also would routinely get in trouble for passionately kissing his friends and hitting the older boys on their butts whenever they bent over. When he was In high school he is super weird when it comes to sex. Being hyper-monogamous and being uber christian, taking purity incredibly seriously. His senior year of high school he goes on his first date with a boy and they date for nine months. During those nine months He gets increasingly more aware and terrified of the sexually charged energy between the two of them when they are alone. So he starts finding ways to not be alone with this boy all the while giving him lots of “NO SEX-EVER” talks, that to the boyfriend, are seemingly unprompted and go on for way too long. He starts having sex and rape nightmares almost every night. He flinches anytime a person touches them, especially their boyfriend. Begging their friends and even his parents to not leave him and his boyfriend alone. 

 All the signs 

Were there...

Only no one saw 

Them.

No one 

Saw

Him.

And now 

It’s too late.

Because  

He has 

Become 

His 

Own 

Abuser. 

And when He finally came out and said what had happened to him

all those years ago...

You all had the AUDACITY to say 

“Oh now everything makes sense.”

You mean to tell me that you had 

All the right questions

And 

You saw the signs...

But then you just 

Stayed silent?

Now just look at that 

Presumably 

Happy 

Little 

Kid.

Do you still think he’s happy?

So why didn’t anyone say anything?

Why didn’t his parents say something?

Why didn’t his aunt or uncle say something?

Why didn’t his teachers say something?

Why didn’t the school nurse say something?

Why didn’t the P.E teacher say something?

Why didn’t the family friend say something?

Why didn’t the school principal say something?

Why  didn’t the family doctor say something?

Maybe if you had acted on that unsettling feeling you apparently had.... 

You could have stopped it.

You could have gotten him help sooner.

You could have saved him from believing that he was crazy all this time.

You could have shown him that he wasn’t alone.

You could have advocated for him.

You could have done something...

Literally anything.

Rather than wait almost twenty years for him to feel safe enough to find the

  right words to explain to you what happened. 

It still would have been a huge fight for him to have to battle but 

   at least he could have gotten on the path to recovery sooner and maybe it

Would have saved him some harm and shame. 

There were so many damn signs and nobody said 

A freaking word about it.

They all just

Let it happen. 

Silence Kills. 

Choosing not to see what is right in front of you Kills.

His heart may still be barely beating 

But believe me 

That happy little boy 

Died 

A little more 

With each cry 

That went 

Unheard

And 

Each adult’s suspicion

That went 

Unvoiced.

Let this story be a reminder to you all.

IF YOU SEE SOMETHING 

YOU BEST DAMN RIGHT 

SAY SOMETHING.

If you see or hear something that puts that unsettling or uneasy feeling in

 your gut and in your mind…

 then for the love of a child’s freaking life 

SAY SOMETHING. REPORT THAT SHIT. STAND UP FOR THE KID.

DON’T LET THE FEAR OF BEING WRONG KEEP YOU FROM POSSIBLY

 BEING THE ONLY PERSON BRAVE ENOUGH TO ACTUALLY SEE THE

 SIGNS AND SAVE A KID’S LIFE. YOU MAY BE THE ONLY PERSON IN

 THAT CHILD’S LIFE TO EVER SPEAK UP FOR THEM. 

DON’T BE ANOTHER PERSON IN A CHILD’S LIFE TO 

NOT SEE THEM WHEN THEY SO 

DESPERATELY NEED TO BE SEEN. 

CHILD ABUSE CAN BE CAUGHT AND STOPPED.

KNOW THE SIGNS AND SAVE A LIFE.

[dearryker-loves]

reminder that you were a child. its not your fault, even if it seems like it might be.

[dearryker-loves]

If Tomorrow Starts Without Me… If tomorrow starts without me, and I’m not here to see, If the sun should rise you find your eyes all filled with tears for me; I wish so much you wouldn’t cry the way you did today, While thinking of the many things we didn’t get to say. I know how much you love me, as much as I love you And each time that you think of me, I know you’ll miss me too. But when tomorrow starts without me please try to understand, That an angel came and called my name and took me by the hand. He said my place was ready, in heaven far above And that I’d have to leave behind all those I dearly love. But as I turned and walked away a tear fell from my eye. For all my life I’d always thought, I didn’t want to die. I had so much to live for, so much left yet to do. It seemed almost impossible that I was leaving you. I thought of all the yesterdays the good ones and the bad. I thought of all the love we shared, and all the fun we had. If I could relive yesterday, just even for a while, I’d say goodbye and kiss you and maybe see you smile. But then I fully realized that this could never be, For emptiness and memories would take the place of me. When I thought of worldly things I might miss come tomorrow I thought of you and when I did my heart was filled with sorrow. When I walked through heavens gates I felt so much at home. God looked down and smiled at me from his great golden throne He said, “This is eternity and all I’ve promised you” Today your life on earth has passed but here life starts anew. I promise no tomorrow, but today will always last And since each day is the same there’s no longing for the past. You have been so faithful so trusting and so true. Though there were times you did some things you knew you shouldn’t do. You have been forgiven and now at last you’re free. So won’t you come and take my hand and share my life with me? So when tomorrow starts with out me don’t think we’re far apart, For every time you think of me, I’m right here in your heart.

David Romano

[dearryker-loves]

Stuff That's Normal and Ok When You're a Survivor:

Being sex-repulsed, being hypersexual, having a sex drive of any level of intensity, having no sex drive at all.

Being lgbtqia or cishet.

Having ptsd, not having ptsd, having later-onset ptsd, having ptsd that lasts a long time, recovering from ptsd.

Having a mental illness that is often associated with survivorshp, having a mental illness that isn't associated with survivorship, having no mental illness.

Experiencing flashbacks, nightmares, repressed memories, recovered memories, panic attacks, dissociation, intrusive thoughts, other symptoms, or no symptoms.

Developing kinks or preferences that align with the abuse, are in opposition to the abuse, or seemingly have nothing to do with the abuse.

Being triggered by explicit material, wholesome material, everyday things, people, places, sounds, smells, seasons, things that make sense, things that don't make sense, or nothing at all.

Having particular difficulty with friendships, romantic relationships, family relationships, all relationships, or no relationships.

Choosing not to have kids, choosing to have kids.

Going to therapy, going to support groups, going to church, joining online communities, or handling things well with fewer connections.

Struggling with suicidal thoughts, disordered eating, self harm, addiction, destructive coping mechanisms, isolation, aggression, sabotaging relationships, other hurtful things, or none of the above.

Wanting to talk about it all the time, wanting to talk about it sometimes, never wanting to talk about it, or changing it up as you progress.

Getting better slowly, getting better quickly, cycling through good and bad periods, wanting to get better, not wanting to get better, being ok where you are, and changing at any time.

Whatever you've gone through in the past, whatever you're going through right now, and whatever you'll go through in the future.

[dearryker-loves]

Hearing “I’m so sorry that happened to you” from a substance abuse counselor was huge for me. Pushing away the reality of CSA for 30 years both consciously and subconsciously, as enforced by the adults in my life, led me to believe what happened to me was not that big of a deal. It certainly felt debilitating, but because others (even in my family) experienced things in a similar vein and were “fine…” (this fact was often pointed out to me) I needed to be too. If I wasn’t, that was a failure on my part. I wasn’t good/strong/smart enough.

Hearing someone say they were sorry it happened to me, at a point where I was particularly raw, really shifted so much in my head. I felt relief, safe, seen. The immensity of the abuse was honored. My innocence in it felt recognized. No one was solving anything or blaming anyone, yet I felt real. I felt NORMAL. I felt like I could possibly survive.

That 1 sentence did so much for me.

Repost @nate_postlethwait ・・・

⁣ What would you add to this list of responses? What did you hear that was most meaningful?⁣ ⁣ Glad you’re here! 🙏❤️💪🏻 

[dearryker-loves]

Hearing “I’m so sorry that happened to you” from a substance abuse counselor was huge for me. Pushing away the reality of CSA for 30 years both consciously and subconsciously, as enforced by the adults in my life, led me to believe what happened to me was not that big of a deal. It certainly felt debilitating, but because others (even in my family) experienced things in a similar vein and were “fine…” (this fact was often pointed out to me) I needed to be too. If I wasn’t, that was a failure on my part. I wasn’t good/strong/smart enough.

Hearing someone say they were sorry it happened to me, at a point where I was particularly raw, really shifted so much in my head. I felt relief, safe, seen. The immensity of the abuse was honored. My innocence in it felt recognized. No one was solving anything or blaming anyone, yet I felt real. I felt NORMAL. I felt like I could possibly survive.

That 1 sentence did so much for me.

Repost @nate_postlethwait ・・・

⁣ What would you add to this list of responses? What did you hear that was most meaningful?⁣ ⁣ Glad you’re here! 🙏❤️💪🏻 

[dearryker-loves]

I hate when the lights go out and the voices start

[dearryker-loves]

[dearryker-loves]

request from my homie @lengelevefitte 🖤

[dearryker-loves]

some vent art lol

tw for implied csa and self harm

[dearryker-loves]

Something I need to hear when it comes to trauma: you couldn't get away. Staying still, pretending nothing was happening, not being able to talk, keeping your eyes closed, feeling paralysed: all survival mechanisms to heighten your chances of living through those moments. So don't feel ashamed, and remember it wasn't your fault, you did what you could do.