#csa recovery

[desultory-suggestions]

You are not defined by what happened to you

[factumnihil2]

to anyone feeling depersonalization, uh, i have a sentiment. even though it doesn't feel like it's yours, your body is gonna protect you.

[haunted-echo]

My body is mine and I get to choose how it is handled.

[growing-home]

i’ve always felt like i never learned how to be a girl, or at least like THOSE girls— the clean girls with their skincare routines and expensive makeup that definitely isn’t shoplifted from cvs, the girls whose rooms are always neat and tidy, everything in its place, the girls who are smooth and even, no blemishes or jagged edges.

i think i am all jagged edges.

the girls who have night routines that don’t consist of smoking weed and eating chips until they pass out, mouths all cut up and tongues stinging from the salt, the girls who eat pretty little plates of pretty little food that they cooked from scratch or got from their favorite little cafe, the girls with silky hair pulled back in a neat ponytail with no flyaways, the girls who don’t have cracked heels and chapped lips, the girls who don’t have to wear black all the time for fear they’ll sweat through their clothes, the girls who always smell good, the girls who date boys and kiss and hold hands without feeling like they’re going to suffocate, who can have sex without wanting to die and without crying afterwards.

i see them everywhere, these pretty girls, good girls, clean girls. i see them on the train in satin skirts and shiny high heeled boots. i see them on social media, mirror selfies showing off their pretty apartments, bedrooms so neat they look like catalogues. i feel like i must stay hidden somewhere dark and scary when i can no longer pretend to be like them, can’t let them see what an imposter i am, a visitor in my own girlhood, i must hide where i belong.

i love them and i hate them and i want to hug them but i don’t want to get them dirty, all those clean girls who used to be happy little girls running around carefree, the girls who aren’t dirty, grimy, rotting from the inside out, the girls who can look at their bodies without wanting to throw up, all the clean girls with their smooth skin and hairless arms and beauty— i can’t tell if they know something i don’t or if i’m the one who knows too much to ever be like them.

[feral-trans-faerieboy]

i love the concept of groups that are willing to discuss the ugly sides of abuse recovery, but i hate how often it dissolves into posts that essentially glamorize it in the form of text macros with broody "depressed" women languishing sexily over said post.

I want to heal, not feel like a weird fetish. I want to say the ugly truth and be believed, not reduced to a caricature of blubbering hysterics who needs to be saved by a third party

[system-of-a-feather]

Back from therapy and Riku recommended me to ramble about this a bit here, but in terms of the narrative of our CSA as I see it, I was a very broken and very hurt child who really needed gentle care and affection and in a time of need, rather than getting that, I was fed to the wolves and eaten alive and left spat out the other end way worse than whatever horrid state I was in before I was eaten.

As far as the narrative goes, from that point my life froze for years until the past year or two, and it took a while to get time to restart, but while that pain and hurt is real and it was horrifically unjust and cruel and nothing that I deserved, I have the care and affection that I needed at the time here within the system and the few people in our life that our system puts in our company.

I was failed by the world and the adults and peers around me there and got horribly hurt and taken advantage of and that betrayal was deadly, but it really is okay now because I have what I need to live again. It still hurts if I sit on it and simmer on it and I don't think itll ever go away, but life continues beyond the simmer and I'm ever thankful for my second chance at doing and getting what I needed now that I am free and honestly, I am blessed to have the care and love I needed even if it came late and after a horrible failure.

I honestly have more support and care and a more intensely supportive system that helps me and cares about me more than I ever could have dreamt of having before hand, so honestly, I struggle to hold long term complaints. Horrible things happened, but I currently have way more than what I could imagine when I was in need, and its met so much more than I requested that it does honestly make up for all the bleeding wounds I took on.

I guess I forgive the world for the cruel joke cause I guess I am just thankful to be part of this system and have so many supportive peers in this brain and body with me. It makes me feel like part of something and like I belong and am wanted and cared and thats really all I wanted since I've existed. I'm pretty happy and satisfied and its weird to say considering I was trapped in it for years upon years, but the CSA trauma I held just seems to disappear in the background as a side arc to my life the longer I float around the front and Ray helps me integrate more into the system. It's authentically kind of becoming an "oh that, right" than the endless spiraling void it used to be.

[fuckthisandthatsposts]

vent//cw csa

i hate how mean it is. and i hate that sometimes that’s all i can think about it. how mean and awful it all is. i hate how old he was. i hate how young i was. i see so many kids at work and i always forget how small i was. what a baby i was. how could you do that. why would you do that. i trusted you. i trusted your wife. i was just a kid dealing with family problems, and was comforted by yours. i thought i was safe. and you waited. you waited. you knew and welcomed this child in your home for years knowing and waiting. that’s so fucking mean. how could you do that. how.

[littlegreenfrog]

Recovery is hard. It’s been years, and I struggle sometimes. But I’m still here, and I’m proud of that.

[cptsdee]

TW CSA

.

Can't stop thinking about how when I told my mom what he was doing to me she did it too. Can't even talk about it to people I know because it's fucking humiliating. Ik it wasn't my fault but I can't stop feeling it.

[csa-survivor-confessions]

Positivity of The Day

If the focous on romance has been triggering for you today, remember to take as much time as possible to decompress and breathe. Watch something calming, listen to music about things other than romance, get out some physical energy (dance, take a walk etc), and eat or drink something that fills you with good feelings.

And it's okay if all you can do right now is lay down. Your best is always enough.

[desultory-suggestions]

Asking for love is not asking for too much

[factumnihil2]

maybe it's disordered thinking. but if i am always down for sex with anyone, then no one can ever rape me again, right?

[killer-beans]

when a family member that i really dont like dies im just gonna use it as an excuse to buy more black dresses

[cacophonyofcrimson]

positive thought of the night: i can barely remember what your voice sounds like.

[trenchcoat-dino]

I’m so angry at the world. What did I do to deserve this?!???