decaying-diamond

[decaying-diamond]

i vented

turn on subs (its in japanese)

[decaying-diamond]

Your trauma is valid if you didn't see the red flags in time.

Your trauma is valid if you saw the red flags and ignored them.

[decaying-diamond]

i'm scared.

[decaying-diamond]

am i enby even with a vagina and breasts and a skirt and a high voice and a "feminine" name?

or am i just "denying reality" as that goddamn voice in my head keeps insisting?

maybe i should.. stop.

maybe thatll make me happier. but ive never been happy. not as a girl and not as a boy and not as en enby.

who should i be to start finally enjoying life?

[decaying-diamond]

what's wrong with me.

everything's wrong with me.

i'm wrong. im disgusting and gross and repulsive and awful

[decaying-diamond]

I don’t know. I don’t know anything. I’m a stupid little slut. Fuck me, hurt me, kill me. I’m literally begging. Pull my hair, bite my neck, choke me, cut my back, break my bones, rip my eyes out, make me repulsive enough for no one to want to rape me again. It’s cute girls that go through that kind of awful things, right? So… I don’t want to be pretty. I want to become a monster that no one wants to get close to. I want people to be afraid of me.

Maybe when I’m dead it won’t hurt anymore. Maybe I won’t remember you when I’m just a pile of bones, eaten by worms.

[decaying-diamond]

I’m just a piece of meat. I’m just a bunch of holes. That’s all anyone will ever want out of me. I have nothing else to give. So I might as well accept it.

I’m just a rapetoy. A pretty and fuckable bitch that everybody hates. I know they want to kill me. Why don’t they? I’m offering myself as a sacrifice. I want it so badly. I can’t take it anymore.

Kill me already.

[decaying-diamond]

i dont know what to do. this is the second time someone sends something that makes me uncomfortable tonight.

please just block this person if you dont want this kind of horrible stuff sent to you. im actually shaking wtf.

[decaying-diamond]

still rotting

[decaying-diamond]

I don’t deserve love. Not anymore. And yet when I have it, I cling to it like a parasite. I hurt everyone in my life. Please go away. Please don’t love me. I’ll hurt you. I’m like a bad dog. A bad, dead dog.

[decaying-diamond]

You’re a monster, a demon who feeds off of people’s suffering. Off of my suffering. Why didn’t you kill me? Why didn’t you finish the goddamn job?!

[decaying-diamond]

I’m scared. Scared you’ll come back. Scared you won’t. Scared of you. Scared of the pain you caused and will cause to me if we meet again. You killed me, over and over and over again. And I’m sure you enjoyed it. I’m sure you loved it. I know it made you come. You make me physically sick. I’m gonna throw up.

[decaying-diamond]

I’m nothing. How could anyone remember nothingness itself? I’m an empty void. There’s a black hole where my heart once was. Did you keep it? My heart, when you stole it. Do you still have it somewhere? Or did you throw it out, after you crushed my free will and what remained of my self-love? That’s more likely.

[decaying-diamond]

Can I ever be born again? Maybe 7 years after it all, when all my cells have regenerated. Maybe in 4 years I’ll finally exist again. Maybe…

[decaying-diamond]

I want to jump out a fucking window. Watch the ground get closer and closer. Feel the wind in my hair. Hear my bones break as I crash onto the pavement. Please. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. But I’m a coward. So I’ll just wait for someone to do it for me. Because I’m weak.

And you knew it. And you used it to your advantage. And you raped me. Because 14 year-old me was just a frail little thing, a thing you fucked the life out of. Now I’m just a hollow shell. Because she’s gone. I needed her. I needed this small part of me, this poor little girl… You fucking murderer. You rapist. Don’t you realize what you’ve done? Of course not. Because you haven’t seen me in years. You don’t know. You… don’t think about me anymore. I’m just a distant memory, to you. And to me, you’re an ever-present demon in my soul.

I hope you hate me. I hope you’re obsessed with me. I hope you still love me. I don’t care. I just want you to remember me. Don’t forget your first victim.

[decaying-diamond]

I wish I was allowed to be a child. I never could be. I was forcefully turned into a grown-up when I was 14.

I hate that you had such an impact on me. Your touch transformed me. Into a corpse.

[decaying-diamond]

I want to rip my heart out. I want to cut my head open and get rid of my own brains. I want to tear myself limb from limb. Maybe then I’ll be my real self. A mutilated, disgusting, broken corpse.