delirious-distension

[delirious-distension]

I want something bad to happen to me so I can end up in the hospital

[delirious-distension]

Trying to break bpd patterns, trying to overcome the terror of being alone. Getting ready for a really long and fucking hard road.

[delirious-distension]

I fucking hate her, no accountability for the shitty motherhood she put me through.

Always deflecting the fact she was an abusive asshole. The nerve to tell me I was a shitty kid…..bitch you raised me! Look in the god damn mirror.

[delirious-distension]

Yesssssssss

From a BPD book.

[delirious-distension]

Got to keep that mask on.

[delirious-distension]

Aftermath

[delirious-distension]

I called a suicide hotline yesterday. I’m a pussy, I don’t have the guts to follow through with it at this point. The fantasy element is very strong. All of these days I have been immersed in anxiety, my heart is going to explode. I am so fucking sad and it’s so hard to continue with everything I have to do. They told me to focus on things that make me happy, I am trying but is not working. Shit is so fucked up between us that not even the things that make me happy matter anymore. I know this is codependency 101, I know what is happening, but I am at the mercy of the fucking darkness. He calls me his wife….does a husband do shit like this to someone he loves so much? Why does he just prefer to shove things deep down? How does that help? I’m fucking drowning.

I am learning about his emotional unavailability, I am trying my best against the BPD bullshit in my head to give him space, but isn’t it a 50/50? Do I have to fucking compromise all the god damn time?

I’m fucking old, if I have to start all over, who tha fuck is going to want me like this? That would also mean that all my efforts and hard work were for nothing. When I met him I told myself I was ready to get hurt, but this is abusive, might not be intentional since we are both broken, but it’s abusive non the less.

[delirious-distension]

I can not focus on anything other than him, he won’t talk to me, he doesn’t want to fix anything, he pretends nothing is happening. This is fucking killing me.

[delirious-distension]

[delirious-distension]

BPD took over and it’s destroying everything I worked for. Fucking help me before it’s the end of me. I can’t fucking do this anymore, I can’t deal with the eternal loneliness and fuck ups. I push away everyone around me, I fucking hate myself. I can’t do this.

[delirious-distension]

BPD positives that don't suck

I have BPD but I never feel recognized in those posts since they focus on empathy and well, I barely experience empathy! Here's one without empathy being the main positive.

We can be...

extremely passionate when we love something or someone.

extremely loyal too!

creative with art, writing, daydreaming, thinking, etc.

very curious and want to learn more about ourselves.

bold, spontaneous, or willing to try new things.

able to feel music with our whole body and soul.

be really resilient and determined.

[delirious-distension]

Want to smash my head against the wall, over, and over, and over, and over , and over, and over, until I can see little splatters of my brain and blood making abstract art.

[delirious-distension]

I don’t want to live anymore, I’m tired.

[delirious-distension]

Wishing well hear my prayer, let me fall ill, break my body, take me away wrapped in numbness. My mind is a burning prison, my heart exhausted. Oh wishing well take me away, I fear I have no courage to end it all.

[delirious-distension]

Jeez 🙄

[delirious-distension]

If I overdose by accident I would be ok with it

[delirious-distension]

Call me a prisoner of my own mind. My thoughts trample one another around in a parade of horrific, depressing, triggering memories. Feelings feel the strong need of suppression as an imaginary sword shoves them down my throat. The tears, bitter and painful. My body reflects the affliction as my persona is in solitary confinement.

This is the red dragon who burns it all to the ground, making sure no phoenixes are left behind.