demonlusional

[demonlusional]

im back, for now

i cant feel anything except anger and misery

i cant get help, nothing stops the void

the void was there since before i was born, selfish and preoccupied parents and a narcissistic older sister who took all of my parents' energy and held it from me so she could keep it all for herself

now i have nothing

what i have i had to fight for and if i ever give up ill lose it all

im ready to lose it all

all the work has been undone, all the plans have been torn to pieces

the void of emotional neglect makes it hard, almost impossible to love, or even like, and i tried, and im tired

trying to live as if life is easy and comforting is so tiring, and i cant take it

no one can help, the void keeps growing and "help" keeps making me worse. i yell and cry and tear my skin apart with nothing but meaningless words and impossible tasks to comfort me.

i cant get real help, no one is willing to try, and to fight for it id need hope and willpower and safety

everything i have is worth nothing

i have nothing

im tired of trying to get better

im ready to get worse, neglect myself as i was neglected before

im ready to let go of what little i still have, because thats all i can do. its all i have left.

im taking control, and im giving up

im not letting them force me to give up by going around in circles until im just about well enough to work

im choosing this, and my decision is that the world is cruel, systems are cruel, everything has been rigged from the start, and im done fighting.

i quit, maybe that means they win, fine, im glad someone got what they wanted

im tired. i cant fight anymore. i give up.

minors fuck off this is not for u, i have difficult adult emotions being affected by real, difficult, adult things so if ur 14 and relate, no u fucking dont, u have no idea how many years this has been going on for, please gtfo

op is severely and complexly mentally ill, this is a vent, being mentally ill on the internet is not a crime, go report someone more important

[demonlusional]

eat me, chew me and swallow me

i want you to peel off my skin, just take it off and eat me, feel how you sink your sharp fangs into me signing my death with your teeth

take the time to appreciate how you detach my flesh with such delicacy yet aggressiveness and desperately passion, thirsty for blood, thirsty for me…

isn’t it beautiful?

your stomach is full of me just as your heart is filled with love, this desire is ineffable but so pure and real

not all love is gentle, sometimes it’s gritty, sharp and possessive, sometimes it’s not supposed to be careful or soft at all, sometimes it’s painful yet pleasing and that’s how my love for you feels in this instant.

[demonlusional]

I fucking missed this. I missed not giving a shit. I missed not giving a shit about anyone or their thoughts. I missed not giving a shit about myself or my wellbeing. I fucking missed it. I feel as if I'm back. I feel right. I don't care anymore. I don't know if I wish to go back to caring. I forgot how good this felt. I don't care if my previous actions have caused me to feel sick and weak. I like it. I like this feeling. I feel like me again.

Someone so abused and used that at some point they stopped fucking caring.

-БОРИС.

[demonlusional]

When I hurt myself I often feel as though I am praying. As if the act of harming myself is inherently divine, like I am dedicating myself to something greater. I don’t know if its the pain that makes it feel that way or because the only version of myself I can muster to love is one that is suffering.

[demonlusional]

i wanna push everyone away from me so i can kill myself alone without anyone noticing

[demonlusional]

the only good things about going home for christmas:

seeing my beautiful cats

pissing my sister off so much she gives me a real excuse to never speak to her again

weighing myself for the first time in around 6 months (think im roughly back to my last recorded weight, i was gaining for a while in forced semi-recovery after i hit my lowest but im losing again now)

escaping and getting stoned with a friend i dont see much anymore

leaving again and not coming back <3

cw: triggering content/vent post, triggering tags (plus a bonus rant about christmas being bullshit), minors dni, op is very sick, interact with caution

[demonlusional]

I love and hate when I feel nothing. I go through periods where my mind is radio silent and where I don’t lash out. I’m not happy, I’m not sad, I’m not angry, I’m just nothing. It’s nice to feel nothing until my life is consumed by it. I crave to feel something, because numbly staring out into space gets boring and makes me feel fake. But, when I do feel, it’s all I feel. It’s always so intense and I never get a break. I just want to feel and think normally without having these thoughts take over and ruin everything for me. I hate feeling broken, why can’t I just be normal?

[demonlusional]

i don’t feel like showering, i don’t feel like brushing my teeth, i don’t feel like eating, i don’t even feel like waking up in the morning

[demonlusional]

i want someone to watch my self destruction with a smile. i want them to encourage me to go further, eat less, cvt deeper, isolate myself more. i want them to make me feel small, like i need to get sicker to get better. listen to my problems. twist them until im the villain. break me until im whole again, and laugh at my suffering.

[demonlusional]

i just want to lie down and give up

im so pathetic, nothing ever works out for me, i beg for help and no one listens

whats the point when all i can feel anymore is bitterness

i make everyone miserable, being this useless and whining about it constantly

i shouldn't have to live like this

edited to add cw: vent post, triggering tags, minors dni, op is very sick, interact with caution

[demonlusional]

i want to be taken

used, hurt, damaged

i want to get worse

i want you to make me worse, rend my mind, tear my body to shreds, leave me to rot

i want to feel no pleasure from what you do, only pain, constant horrifying pain beyond that which i can even imagine, mental, physical

i want them to rip into my body, get me so high i can't move or think and tie me up just in case and pin my body down, use it how they like, let anyone use it if they want to, then lock me into the corner of the room, starve me, whip me, shove things into my mouth, until they take me out, force a cocktail of drugs down my throat, and start to cut me, then as the passion and insanity take them over, slice a slit just under my ribs, put fingers, toys, cocks, whatever they have to put inside it deep, cover us both in blood, spit on me, cum on me

slice further along my body, lengthening the abused hole, and cut deep once it gets to my womb, full of cum from being bred constantly for weeks, turn me into a sleeve, fucking into me, through the new hole, into my guts, out of my body, drenched in blood

tie me and string me from a hook like a piece of meat, let the blood and with it the life pour down the drain

use my cold body

desecrate the corpse with cum and blood, dress it for whatever deity you're praying to for your immortal soul, for forgiveness

drink the blood if you like, mutilate it if it makes it easier to use, or keep it intact and admire your pallid, freezing, rotting dead boy, the beautiful corpse boy you've been admiring for months, finally the hollow broken fucktoy you've wanted it to be, finally all yours

cw: vent post, triggering tags, minors dni, op is very sick and should be interacted with cautiously, etc.

[demonlusional]

BPD culture is doing any and everything to fill the never ending void inside of you.

[demonlusional]

i feel like someone dead pretending to be alive

[demonlusional]

i think theres someone else

theyre thinking with me, but i dont know who they are or which thoughts are theirs

theyre me, but theyre not quite the same me

it was so busy before, then it was so quiet, has been for months

where did they go

are they back now, do they know im struggling, are they coming to take over for me, to keep me safe

is this the first sign that theyre back, feeling them in my mind

i know theyre there

who are you

please tell me

i want to know who you are

i want you to be me too

cw for tags, no minors, op is very sick, interact with caution, etc

[demonlusional]

why is "me" as a concept so hard to grasp

i know i exist

i know i'm an entity, that has interacted with everything around me since the day i was born in ways that have built who i am

but when i try to think, "me". that happened to "me". did it? who is me. who is there for that to have happened to. why can't i conceptualize the existence of a "me", of a self that others can see, that has an impact on the world around me and vice versa.

there doesn't seem to be a "me". just a tangled up mess left behind from my brain trying to avoid the terrifying implications of "me" existing then, and it's continued existence in the aftermath.

there's nothing left to call "me"

[demonlusional]

I hate being self aware. I know exactly what I’m doing and why I’m doing it and yet I don’t know how to or just do nothing to stop it.

[demonlusional]

everything feels so meaningless

i open an app, i stare blankly at it, i close it

i open my sketchbook, i hold my pencil, i put it down

i open the cupboards, i cant eat anything inside

i open my heart, im told they cant help me

i open my body, i heal, i fade

i stare into nothing and it tells me this is life, forever

what am i supposed to be doing? what am i missing? am i broken? am i too aware? is everyone else in a daze? am i being narcissistic thinking im the only one who can see its all just busy work, a colouring sheet to keep us quiet? am i just an outsider destined to see but never be? is it all just too much for my damaged brain, too unmanageable for someone like me?

idk

cw triggering tags+vent post, no minors, user is very sick, etc