departednightmare - Tumblr blog

[departednightmare]

multiple times now I've seen people genuinely claim that the solution to aphobia is for asexual and aromantic people to stop talking about their asexuality and aromanticism. if you think like this you need to be put in a meat grinder like actually

[departednightmare]

If you're really aroace, then the internalised aphobia here is strong enough to crush a fully-grown whale. Holy shit.

Why did I assume you're allo? I dunno mate, might be because you're being aphobic. Not a massive leap of logic to assume that someone being phobic towards one group probably isn't a part of said group.

We've also got to consider how you seem to be following your own advice and presenting yourself as allo. After reading your reblog, I double-checked your blog description and pinned post for any hints of asexuality that I might have previously missed due to my not snooping. It shouldn't surprise you to know I didn't find a blip of asexuality or aromanticism in relation to you there. "it’s so much easier to just… avoid the damn topic compared to gay people." With your apparent aroace status in mind, it's clear now that you were speaking from experience.

...Except it hasn't been easy, has it? Look at you. You hate everyone -- it's even your blog description! "hating everyone, one at a time. if i haven’t gotten to you yet i will don’t worry" Has it crossed your mind that, perhaps, suppressing your own identity has caused frustration to build up over time, leaving you lashing out in anger at anything and everything around you? Because that's what it looks like from the outside.

Because speaking as someone who has been in denial of her identity, and is now in the process of dropping hints so that when I eventually come out, the idea is already in people's heads... suppressing asexuality is not a case of "there’s nothing to suppress". It's hard. A part of you is locked up, wanting to be seen, but because the world doesn't understand asexuality properly, you have to curb the urge to just up and say it. If you're open about it, you run the risk of losing friendships and family forever. So you're stuck lying to the people you consider friends and family, never knowing if they'd stay if they knew you're not the allo you're presenting yourself to be. You can never truly trust them. You can never truly, honestly, reciprocate when they call you their best friend, or favourite niece, or beloved son. Because you know that could all change in an instant. You're trapped in a perpetual state of "I'm loved... but am I really?"

And then there's "just… avoid(ing) the damn topic" in romantic relationships. You can't. At some point, you'll have to A) let yourself be raped by an unknowing assailant in order to maintain your ruse, or B) come out and say it.

...But no, you're right. Hiding asexuality is easy. Nothing to suppress. Nope, nothing. No feelings to be hurt either. That's why you got upset when I assumed you were allo, even though you never mentioned your status as an aroace -- not in the post, not in your blog title, not even in your pinned post where you bluntly state your gatekeep-y opinions on LGBTQIA+ matters. Because it doesn't matter if people think you're allo, right?

"i’m asexual and aromantic mate."

...until they start accusing you of aphobia, I guess. Then you've gotta hammer in how extreme your asexuality is ("i believe asexuality is strictly no attraction and no sexual desire") to assert dominance.

Onto your actual "points"...

Point 1 and 2:

These two points both just seem to be you asserting your belief on what asexuality is/isn't, so I'll address them collectively.

You are entitled to your own personal beliefs. However, they conflict with official definitions of asexuality.

The Trevor Project definition: "Asexual/Ace: Commonly used to describe someone who experiences little to no sexual attraction. Some people on the asexual spectrum desire sexual intimacy, while others do not." They also acknowledge demi and grey as identities here.

Stonewall.org seems to both agree and disagree with you on one level, and totally contradict you on another. On one, they say that "Somebody who is asexual does not experience sexual attraction to anyone." but they also say in the previous paragraph that "Asexuality is a spectrum". On another page, they also say "‘Ace’ is an umbrella term used specifically to describe a lack of, varying, or occasional experiences of sexual attraction. This encompasses asexual people as well as those who identify as demisexual, grey ace, and other ace-spec identities."

So according to Stonewall, you're both right and wrong on the point that "asexuality is strictly no attraction and no sexual desire. little attraction exists but i do not classify that under asexuality". It completely refutes your pinned post claim that "asexuality/ aromanticism isn’t a spectrum, not inherently lgbt" (the latter point of which is refuted by both sites).

Point 3:

I'm assuming you get bullied for your own interest in "underground gore films".

Firstly, this is hardly a fair comparison. You might as well compare the struggles faced by black people in America to your struggles completing a souls-like game.

Secondly... "asexuals aren’t governed in an unfair and cruel way"? So you believe it's fair and uncruel for asexuals to have serious health concerns such as cancer disregarded in favour of "fixing" their asexuality? "asexuals aren’t prevented from having opportunities"? So when an employer doesn't consider an asexual-and-out person for a promotion purely because he doesn't like their orientation and can get away with discriminating because asexuality (or a lack of sexual orientation) isn't legally a protected characteristic, you believe the asexual person isn't being denied opportunities based purely on their sexual orientation? "asexuals have freedom with their sexuality"? Then why do so many of us feel constrained when we can't freely acknowledge our sexuality or lack thereof due to it not being safe for us to do so?

(And this isn't even getting into the mess that asexuals would face in third-world countries. Or do you think that the people who stone women for showing hair, or for loving other women, would be chill with the idea of someone not wanting to perform their "marital duties"?)

Point 4:

Again, massive internalised aphobia. I've addressed most of this elsewhere already, but:

"hiding asexuality is just literally not talking about it. hiding homosexuality is not being able to be yourself."

I could counter this simply by saying "hiding homosexuality is just literally not talking about it. Hiding asexuality is not being able to be yourself." Because it'd be just as true. A homosexual could, theoretically, hide their gayness by simply not talking about it. Relationships aren't mandatory, after all.

Except people tend to want closeness with others, be it sexual, romantic, or platonic in nature. The Secret Gay will want to engage in sexual or romantic activities with members of the same sex, and suppressing this will lead to them feeling unfulfilled. The Secret Asexual will generally want to engage in platonic and/or romantic activities with others, and suppressing this will lead to them feeling unfulfilled.

Given that romantic relationships are expected to have a sexual element, it would be very, very difficult (and potentially traumatising) for an asexual to participate in these while also keeping their identity hidden. Either they come out or they're left alone and craving again. And as for platonic relationships, it comes down to what I said earlier about trust again. How can you truly trust someone when you don't know if they'd still love you if they knew about the part of you you're keeping hidden?

On top of all that, asexuality is an experience, same as any other sexual orientation. An asexual perceives the world differently to an allosexual just as a gay man perceives it differently to a straight man. Even disregarding others' reactions to your orientation, that inherent queerness is always there, shaping your thoughts and altering your perception of others and your reactions to them. It is a part of you, rooted deep inside, inseperable.

As an aroace, you should already be aware of this. That you deny there's anything within us to be suppressed is both interesting and alarming.

Point 5:

I'm genuinely not sure what your point was supposed to be here. Yeah, if someone's decent they'll respect your boundaries in regards to sex. But many people aren't decent, are they?

Yeah, both asexuals and celibate people may state boundaries in regards to sex. But those two identities aren't the same -- one genuinely has no interest and the other is suppressing interest -- and people's reactions are always going to reflect that.

Because make no mistake, if you tell a potential partner that "if we’re in a relationship, it’s strictly no sex and please respect that", they will ask why. Because you're barring them from something that they want, and so naturally, they'll want to know why. Even if they're a closeted asexual themselves, they'll want to know if you're like them or something else -- if you might change your mind and stop being safe. Their final stance on your boundary will be based entirely on how you explain or hide your asexuality in this moment... and then of course, there are the freaks who'll tell you "Well, one night with me and that won't be a problem anymore" regardless of what you do.

It's not a case of "oh im cool with no sex lets hug" or "nah i need sex bye". People are too complex and curious for it to ever be that simple.

Your Tags (which I'm addressing here because it didn't fit well anywhere else):

"#like i already said in my original post there’s violence in ignorance and misinformation but it’s not called oppression" "#or aphobia"

...So committing acts of violence against asexuals due to their asexuality isn't aphobia? What is it then? Acist? Douchebaggery? Perfectly-Understandable-Have-A-Good-Day?

"#and you’re proving my point by calling whatever i said aphobia"

You told asexuals to hide and suppress their identities (while also claiming there's nothing to suppress), essentially called them "whining" pussies for not wanting to be dehumanised, claimed that any rape they face as a consequence of coming out is a "boundaries" thing and has nothing to do with their identity, tagged your original post with "#asexuals are doo doo dumb"and posted a video of some bloke unironically taking the piss out of them for not wanting to be treated like shit. Yes, that's aphobia.

Point 6:

Well done, you had instagram followers.

"i couldn’t handle the whining and the constant expansion of the 'umbrella'"

Well, do what you claim is so easy then. Don't talk about it. Then people like me won't find your little bitch-fits and point out "whine about" the flaws in your reasoning. You sound like one of those heavy metal elitists. "Grr, this music isn't as heavy as [insert obscure underground Atmospheric-Blackened-Death-Doom band here], it's not real metal!" Except you're doing with with the ace umbrella instead.

In all seriousness though, I hope that someday you manage to calm down and accept who you are, and recognise that other people can be similar to you but different. It sounds to me like you're incredibly dissatisfied with yourself and with life. "hating everyone, one at a time. if i haven’t gotten to you yet i will don’t worry" isn't the statement of a contented individual who's at peace with their identity. Which leads me to one final point, actually...

"there’s also cases of people who are troubled by their lack of attraction (...) therefore therapy is needed"

Please take your own advice. If I can tell at a glance that you're deeply troubled, then I can't even begin to imagine what your state of mind looks like in person. Please look after yourself and get help.

Sincerely, A fellow zero-attraction asexual

Asexuals aren’t oppressed

Nah seriously no asexual experiences systemic oppression.

“Asexuals are dehumanised.” And why do random people’s opinions matter to you? What can they do to harm you other than say: “That’s not real.”

Well sure maybe you’re discriminated against when you bring up your sexuality but it’s so much easier to just… avoid the damn topic compared to gay people.

A lot of shitty reactions are just shitty words. The shittiest reaction is rape and that’s horrid for sure. But that’s not an asexual thing. Tbh, imo, It’s a boundaries thing that non asexual people like celibates or sex repulsed individuals also experience.

“Aphobia” is something that can be so easily ignored instead of whining about it. Like it’s just one singular person, why are you allowing these people to make your entire life miserable?

Violence caused by ignorance and a dismissive attitude is real, but it shouldn’t be considered “oppression” in any way, shape or form.

[departednightmare]

You know, in the UK, it's illegal for medical professionals to advise homosexuals they should consider conversion therapy. I mention this because it's completely legal (as in a-okay as far as the law's concerned) to put an asexual through conversion therapy.

Sound hypocritical? Oppressive? Dare I say, discriminative? Because it is. It's a form oppression homosexuals no longer face here but asexuals do, and it's hardly the only one; asexuality is still considered to be a health condition here. It's not even a protected characteristic.

A quick reminder: an asexual is, by definition, someone who experiences little or no sexual attraction. It's not someone with no libido, it's not someone who doesn't have sex, it's not someone who's scared of genitalia. It's a lack of attraction. I mention this not only because neither you nor the guy in the video seem to know what it actually means, but because by definition, asexuality is the polar opposite of bisexuality; a bisexual experiences sexual attraction to both sexes, an asexual feels it towards neither. The existence of one necessitates the other. And yet, despite this, only bisexuals have any legal protection.

Asexuals may not have to worry about having their marriages ended due to sex police here in the UK (though I've heard this isn't the case in at least one American state, the person saying it didn't specify which so I can't confirm), but we do experience legal oppression.

You know what we also experience? Discrimination. Social ostracisation. Gatekeeping from the LGBTQIA+ community.

Why? Because we're queer.

That's it. That's the root of it all. Asexuals experience legal oppression because we're queer. We get discriminated against because we're queer. We experience social ostracisation because we're queer. We're cast out of the LGBTQIA+ community... because we're queer.

Asexuals are members of the LGBTQIA+ community because we're queer. If we're too queer for you, that's your own problem.

(Putting the rest under a Read More for the sake of anyone scrolling)

"Well sure maybe you’re discriminated against when you bring up your sexuality but it’s so much easier to just… avoid the damn topic compared to gay people."

You know, bisexual people can hide their bisexuality by only engaging in heterosexual relationships. Do you think they should do that too, so you don't have to hear them complain about their discrimination?

Furthermore, a gay person can hide their sexuality by simply not getting into relationships, or by faking heterosexuality. Do you think they should be forced to do that so you don't have to hear about their discrimination? Or are gay people the only people allowed to vent their frustrations now?

This is a line I've heard so many times. It doesn't actually make the point you think it does. All it proves is that you don't know what asexuality actually is.

Unless an asexual is also aromantic, chances are they're going to want to find a romantic partner. You know what this means? In order to fulfill their life goals... they have to let others know their orientation. Otherwise you get allosexuals feeling trapped or tricked by Secret Asexuals who kept their identity hidden for several months into their relationship. You get allosexuals verbally and/or physically abusing their asexual partners for "tricking them" into a sexless relationship.

But yeah, we can hide our queerness so much more easily than gay people, because asexual = heterosexual obviously. Hiding ourselves won't hurt us at all. Nope. Couldn't possibly. Don't be ridiculous.

Speaking of romantic relationships, asexuals have romantic orientations like anyone else. We're not automatically aromantic... and none of us are heterosexual. It is very common to find gay asexuals; asexuals who want to find romantic love with someone of the same sex and/or gender. Should they hide their asexuality too? Or do you think they need corrective rape so they can be a proper gay?

"“Aphobia” is something that can be so easily ignored instead of whining about it. Like it’s just one singular person, why are you allowing these people to make your entire life miserable?"

If it were indeed just one singular person being aphobic, we'd probably just point and laugh.

We're a barely-acknowledged identity within the LGBTQIA+ community. We're rare af. You probably haven't even knowingly met one of us. We're just one tiny group of people whose feelings apparently don't mean shit to you, so why are you allowing our existence to make you so angry that you'll make a hate post about us on the internet?

Idk what your issue is mate, but I do know that you have no idea what you're talking about. Next time you want to whine about asexuals being upset about their oppression, discrimination, ostracisation, etc., can I please suggest taking five seconds to research what "asexual" actually means when referring to humans first? Maybe dipping your nose into what kind of experiences we actually face?

The link I gave at the beginning of all this would be a good start. The attached research is very informative.

Asexuals aren’t oppressed

Nah seriously no asexual experiences systemic oppression.

“Asexuals are dehumanised.” And why do random people’s opinions matter to you? What can they do to harm you other than say: “That’s not real.”

Well sure maybe you’re discriminated against when you bring up your sexuality but it’s so much easier to just… avoid the damn topic compared to gay people.

A lot of shitty reactions are just shitty words. The shittiest reaction is rape and that’s horrid for sure. But that’s not an asexual thing. Tbh, imo, It’s a boundaries thing that non asexual people like celibates or sex repulsed individuals also experience.

“Aphobia” is something that can be so easily ignored instead of whining about it. Like it’s just one singular person, why are you allowing these people to make your entire life miserable?

Violence caused by ignorance and a dismissive attitude is real, but it shouldn’t be considered “oppression” in any way, shape or form.

[departednightmare]

To help prevent confusion on the part of any strange people scrolling through my mostly-untouched blog: my last post was made over a year ago. I've exited my ace-denial stage since then and have entered my unapologetically-asexual-but-only-online stage. I am currently in the process of dropping hints to irl people so that if I ever do come out, it won't seem like it's coming completely out of nowhere.

Anyway, I just didn't want the acephobia reblog currently in my queue to end up right next to a post where I called myself straight. Mixed signals and all that.

I'm leaving the last post there because I feel like the point is still valid (especially since I'm either heteroromantic or cupioromantic for men). Straight people do exist on this site and within that fandom, and they deserve to be here as much as the rest of us.

[departednightmare]

Wow. Speak for yourself, mate.

“This Bioware character is straight,” and yet I have never encountered a single fan of theirs who was straight.

[departednightmare]

On tumblr, that's hardly a surprise lol. :P

Anyway, you have now. Congrats?

“This Bioware character is straight,” and yet I have never encountered a single fan of theirs who was straight.

[departednightmare]

Picture this:

You've just joined a new fandom. You spent your last few days finishing the source material while struggling to resist the urge to go read fanfic about your favourite pairing. That's now over, and you can bathe in the ocean of shippy fanfic without fear of spoilers!

And you know it'll be an ocean; you checked AO3 and FFN a few days ago to see how much fanfic the series has. It's a five-figure number on both sites, and obviously at least half of that will be your favourite pairing, because it's so cute! How could anyone resist it?

The day has come. You filter for the tag on AO3. 1,200 fics.

Well, that's not so bad, right? It's still a lot of fic compared to your last favourite! So you start looking.

You've gone through the entire first page. Every fic was:

A) a smut one-shot

B) a smut one-shot where the characters have a threesome (or more) with other characters who don't do anything for you

C) a collection of smut one-shots from about 80 different fandoms.

D) a story where the protag just happens to fuck their shipped partner once in chapter 80 and then the partner is relegated to the background again.

E) a "love-triangle" story where the protag can't choose between your fav and the fandom's fav. Both are lusting for her. Both possess only their best or worst traits (spoiler: your fav is the asshole in this fic's universe). Everyone in the fic wants protag to get with fandom fav -- and she does. Your fav faces some kind of cruel punishment for daring to lust after someone above his station.

F) a story about someone else. The pairing (or even just the characters) is mentioned once in the background and the author is a dick who tags ships you don't actually see in the fic.

G) a tale where protag leaves your fav for the fandom fav (again with the gross oversimplification of LI personalities; your fav is some kind of pervert or rapist here).

H) about the actual ship and isn't smut (mostly), but the author has forgotten to give the characters personality beyond "owo dat person sexy must kissy wissy".

I) it's about the ship, but the author has a boner for the wrong character and you don't get to read about the hotness of the one you totally don't have a crush on.

J) in Russian. You do not understand Russian.

K) some good fucking fic (in a language you understand).

L) PLOT TWIST: the good fucking fic was abandoned three years ago right when things were getting interesting and now you're sitting there all frustrated.

Anyway, that was my experience with Inquisitor/Blackwall two years ago. Every time I'm starved for good Blackwall content, I find myself reminded of this experience.

So I thought I'd remind others of their own unfortunate fanfic memories because I'm mean. Merry Friday! :)