#internalised aphobia

[screampotato]

Please, aro, ace, aroace and all aspec people:

We are not broken.

Please, choose today to stop hating yourself, to start being consciously accepting of who you are. Who all of us are.

Every time I see a post from an aspec person saying that they're broken, that they hate themselves for being aspec, that they wish they could change their orientation... it hurts.

You cannot hate yourself into being someone other than who you are. Your only options are:

1. Be aspec and hate yourself

2. Be aspec and don't hate yourself

There is no secret third option.

I'm generally unbothered by aphobia and amatonormativity when it comes from people who aren't aspec. They generally don't know what they're talking about. But when it comes from someone like me, saying that people like us are broken and worthy of hate, it hurts. Some part of me thinks "well it must be true then." I'm old and wrinkly enough to know that voice should be ignored, but it's still there.

I know people struggle with their sexuality and want to share the burden, I get that. I just wish we could couch it in less destructive terms. "I'm confused". "I'm sad". "I feel left out". "I'm worried about the future". "I don't feel accepted". "I don't like being a minority". Not "I hate myself and I feel like I'm broken".

Because you're talking about all of us.

[flowersofadoration]

I tell people I’m proud of being aroace, but I wake up everyday and silently hope that I will fall in love like I see the people around me do.

I don’t want to stand alone in a crowd of couples anymore.

I want my special person too.

[sp00kygr33n]

Uhh hiii

Ok so

I mean

Okay.

Like

It's stupid but

Ok here i go i guess. I have been thinking about things a lot lately and I guess I moght be aroace and i'm dealing with lot of internalised aphobia and just. If maybe, just maybe there is someone out there who wouldn't mind hearing me vent please hit me up?? Especially like aroace people or just like if you're somewhere on either spectrum. I wanted to talk about it with a friend of mine but every time I tried to say the words i just. Couldn't.

And it's so stupid I have now been identifying as queer for 50% of my life (which like holy shit i just realised that) so why is this any different????? Why do i feel like it's sdmiting some kind of failure even if i know it's like normal and it's fine why can't i apply that logic to myself?

So uhhh yeah maybe it is a cry for help i am nkt doing well

[platoniromantic-feelings]

Angst, and internalised aphobia, incoming.

Sometimes I hate being platoniromantic.

Sometimes, I really, genuinely, loathe it.

I hate the fact that any time I start getting platonically close to a person, I start feeling romantic about them too. I hate all the little crush-like twinges or pangs that I feel toward anyone who is particularly kind or understanding toward me. I hate the fact that every close friendship I have starts to feel like a romantic affair, complete with jealousy and the longing for more intimacy. I hate the jealousy — the stupid, unreasonable, irrational, nonsensical jealousy which is utterly unfounded and unethical: it is wrong to make one's friends feel as though they shouldn't date and shouldn't have other close friends. I hate the fact that I hate it when my closest people get romantic partners. I hate the longing that I feel: it's ridiculous to want to cuddle, caress, kiss and hold hands with one's friends, to think wistfully of sleeping in the same bed and snuggling … especially if said friends would not be willing to do such things. I feel guilty and foolish when I daydream about touching a dear friend. I don't want to make them dirty with my horrid little feelings and desires, my bastardised hybrid version of love, friendship contaminated with misplaced romance that my friend never consented to. I think this is the crux of why, for me, being platoniromantic is hard: the feelings are real but it feels unethical to feel them. Moreover, the feelings are real but seldom reciprocated in kind: most people are not platoniromantic, and thus one cannot expect them to understand or reciprocate my bizarre cocktail of 'normal', friendly, platonic affection and interest paired with passionate, romantic feelings.

I hate the way every close friendship is accompanied by this pointless drama that occurs only in my own mind and compels me to perform complex emotional gymnastics in order to keep these stupid feelings away from my unwitting friend, because it would be cruel and unfair to expose them to my ridiculous emotions.

But the feelings are real. The jealousy, the longing for intimacy, the silent internal swooning over how wonderful and cool and desirable my friend is ... And although the feelings are real, the friendship is still just friendship: my romantic feelings are occurring over nothing — or rather, over something that only I am feeling. I'm doing this to myself. And I hate that, too, because it means that I am being my own enemy in this situation.

I just — why does every relationship have to feel like unrequited love, damn it!?

[whatisgoingoninmyhead]

[ace-aro-queerplatonic-positivity]

The Multiamory Podcast did an Episode (Ep.438) discussing the intersection of polyamory and aromanticism.

Explicitly polyamorous/ polyaffectionate aromantics, not asexuals!

You are all welcome to chip in/ add on through reblogs and tags and commentary!

The relevant Facebook announcement got shared into a group I happen to be in and as I commented, thanking the person for sharing it seeing as the group wasn’t aro-related at all, I got politely asked to explain how polyamory works for me as an aromantic asexual.

Keep in mind this explanation was targeted for an audience/ readership of allo-allo polyamorous people.

Also: CONTENT WARNING ⚠️

Internalised acephobia, self-depreciation, implication of sexualised abuse, mention of faithfulness

So the first thing I always say is that: disclaimer – obviously I can only talk about my personal perspective and aromantic people are very diverse, asexual people are very diverse

I just happen to be an asexual aromantic, whereas many aromantics are allosexual (meaning any sexual orientation that isn’t asexuality); seeing as this post is explicitly about the intersection of aromanticism and polyamory

I personally want a queerplatonic/ alterous life partner

That’s my personal wish, I want someone to share my life with

I consider myself polyaffectionate, seeing as I’m not “amorous” in any way shape or form

To me this means a few things

1) I practice relationship anarchy – I do not place a romantic relationship on some arbitrary pedestal, every relationship is important to me and that relationship looking like romance doesn’t mean much

For the other things I need to explain about myself first

I am a sex-averse asexual. I have had sex. I didn’t like it. I am generally sex-positive but I don’t necessarily want/ seek sex as part of any committed relationship; rather I’d avoid sex

(This following bit is self-depreciation but) Because of that I think I shouldn’t “tie down” any partner. Someone willing to be with me shouldn’t suffer for it and hence I don’t see a point in being possessive/ demanding sexual faithfulness – although the details would need to depend on the partner(s) and situation

Also due to me not making a grave distinction between “best friend” and “date friend” I just think it’s easier to call myself polyaffectionate since relationships involving me need thorough explanation anyway

I have explored through writing* what I’d like for myself and that basically always ends up that I’d like to be comfortable “sharing” my partner with pre-determined other people

I would only agree to a closed polycule, although I don’t need to be involved with everyone in it

Also I always hoped if I get that, if I get to have a queerplatonic polycule, it could be a found family and support network more than dating in the classical sense

Again, keep in mind all of this is just my personal perspective and I don’t speak for other aromantic people or other asexual people

Many asexuals are fine with/ want sex

Some aromantics are non-partnering/ would only practice solo-poly

My ideal relationship would be having one or two partners I live with, who are my family, who I can cuddle or leave to their own devices, basically a house share and we each cuddle and kiss each other as we please 🙈

—The thing is I’m aware I probably talk like someone who doesn’t value themself enough

Like, if I believed I could be enough for a partner my whole stance would be slightly different

But I have not yet made the experience that what I can offer (a sexless, queerplatonic commitment) is enough for people

I’m fully aware that mindset isn’t healthy but until someone proves I can be enough for them, well… “outsourcing” sex is easier than worrying

And if it’s a genuine relationship I’m happy for them, in any case

I wholeheartedly mean that I’d like a closed polycule and would be comfortable as described

But I also acknowledge that part of it comes from feeling inadequate/ not wanting to hold back the person(s) I love

I just know I can’t provide what – to many people – is a need

And since I know I can love more than one person at the same time I think getting to be with someone who also has other partners is my best chance… if that makes sense

As I said, I write a lot and with my latest novel-attempt* I think I found the relationship model I’d be comfortable with 🙈

* I have indeed written multiple fan fictions as well as original fiction about a self-insert character navigating relationships as I would like them to play out (setting aside the overarching plot of the individual fiction works) but seeing as I’m a pro-shipper and actually do have a writing side-blog, I don’t feel all that comfortable to just straight-up link my own writing here. Due to the here relevant works all featuring central relationships with a self-insert character, these works are also deeply personal. More so than other ship fiction I have written. I have linked these works on here before - as part of “#queerplatonic fiction” lists - but never really put “my name” (this blog’s URL) directly to them

[asexual-society]

I started using the Ace label when I was 14 and then I let it go thinking that I wasn't really ace and now several years later, I kinda want to use it again but I still don't actually know if I am?? I have a high libido but I don't think it's directed towards anyone? I don't see people and want to flirt/take things further even when they are cute. But I do want to date eventually, I've just never dated anyone and I feel like it might be different if I actually tried it. IDK I don't feel allo but I don't really feel ace because I don't feel a disconnect between sexual feelings & myself, I feel a disconnect between sex & other people which doesn't really seem like a common experience. I know aces with high libidos exist and I know sex-favorable aces exist but it's still super hard to be comfortable IDing as ace when I still feel like I'm abnormal

You don't have to feel a disconnect between yourself and any sexual feelings you may have! The only requirement of the label 'asexual' is feeling little to no sexual attraction. Libido without direction is really common for ace people, you definitely wouldn't be an outlier or abnormal, nor would you be one for still wanting to date eventually (that being said, its also okay if you don't date anyone, lots of people have no strong feelings towards dating either way even if they're not aromantic, and it's totally fine to wait see if anything comes along too).

If asexual as a label feels like it works for you, don't worry about whether or not you count as 'ace enough', I promise you do!

I hope this helps or that you can figure things out <3

- mod key

[barley-and-rye]

Being asexual makes me feel like i cant see the colour blue and i hate it more than anything.

[squiddokiddo]

I don't tend to think about it much but sometimes I really hate being aroace.

I'll never be loved, all my friends will leave for their S/Os, I'll never be as important to anyone, I'll never be as close to anyone, I'll never be as precious to anyone. My friends will never love me as much as I love them.

On the flip side, I'll watch them go through harmful relationships, watch them make bad choices, watch them fall head over heels for bad people, worry about them, worry about their safety, not being able to save them, watching them get hurt only to try and help pick up the pieces and watch them do it all over again.

It's selfish of me to feel this way, I'm jealous of the trust and closeness and comfort that I can't have because I don't feel the "right" kind of love and I'm upset that no matter what happens, I'll always be alone and broken. It hurts to know that this is all my life is going to be.

[haroburst]

to a person i’ll never meet

hi, how are you? were you on bumble all along? did i walk by you and think to say hello but chicken out? were you waiting for me to be a person, someone who can meet you and be more?

i wish i knew you, person, i wish i could call you my love and hold your hand. i want to feel your touch and i want you to feel mine, in the most delicate of ways with the heaviest purpose. a head on my shoulder, an arm on your elbow

i wish you knew me, person, and saw this void and fear and anger and made it worth it for me to be able to say goodbye to the things i wish i had a reason to let go. i wish you gave me your heart and mind and the galaxies of thoughts and ideas to fill the hole i’ll need to make in my chest

because the hole will be there whether i meet you or not, my person. it’ll be there because as i grow older my insides grow smaller and smaller, emptying out into this hole that’s taking me over

the hole will be there because i refuse to not let it grow. because the cost of fullness is emptiness of another kid, of the life i can’t live and the person i can’t be even though my skin and my blood and my books say different

so person, i guess it’s not fair on you anyway? that i need you and i want you and i love you already in a way i don’t know how to love, so that the hole can be worth it, because i know you are worth it

[helpmeimblorboing]

One of the worst things about being on the asexual spectrum is not knowing if you actually are on it

Like "yeah, I don't experience any sexual attraction, but I jerked off once a year ago, so am I really asexual ?"

[cry1ngpr1nce]

[flowersofadoration]

Internalised aphobia warning!!

Learning I'm aroace has made me a very bitter person. I've dreamed of romance my entire life and then I realised that it would never happen to me. I would never get my true loves kiss or ride off in the sunset that makes my heart pound. I hated myself for so long and even started going to church again for a little while in a lame attempt to get 'fixed'. I'm going better now but I still long for the romance I used to watch in movies as a little kid.

At the moment I'm in a really bad place and I can't watch, read or listen to any media that involves romance and I physically cannot be around my best friend because all she does is gush about how in love she is. She reminds me how much more important this person she's know for six months is compared to me who she's known for almost a decade.

I think I would be happy to aroace if I just had one instance of love at first sight that I've dreamed of since I was a little kid. Or had a night in bed with a lover that held me and gently caressed my back. But that's not going to happen and it fuels me with such an intense rage that I can barely handle it. I'm angry at everything and everyone.

I'm aroflux and sometimes fictoromantic, but a fictional character can never touch me or hold hands with me down the street. A fictional character can't make my parents proud or make my friends laugh. A fictional character can't replace the deep longing for someone physical in my life to be my romantic partner.

All I want is what everyone else has. I want to be like all my friends who have lovers that mean so much more to them than I ever will.

Maybe stupid but hear me out.

I imagine this feeling as how Izuku Midoriya would have felt if he didn't get All Might's quirk. He asked if he could be a hero and the answer was no and that was that. I imagine that he'd be bitter each time he saw a hero, he couldn't interact with Bakugo anymore because he was angry that he was a hero and he could never be one.

I feel so close to Deku because in a way he reminds me of me. He was robbed of the one thing he wanted in life and he's just expected to deal with the sadness of it while everyone around him shows off their quirk en mass and he's just expected to be okay with it. He'd be the bad one if he asked them to stop.

To me MHA is an aroace story that is so in line with my existence it's not funny.

I'm trying to change. I'm trying not to be bitter. I'm trying to be happy for my friends and their partners. But I can't. I feel like I've been robbed.

[willows-woes]

i still feel bad for using the term queer for myself. i still feel i'm not a "real" member of the community.

[sketchyface]

Remembered that you could block tags on Tumblr, may I be finally be able to bury my internalised aphobia