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Boromir lives AU where instead of being around for the events of Two Towers and ROTK he just kind of shows up in Minas Tirith after the Ring is destroyed all bloody & bedraggled like ‘you GUYS i had to swim all the way back what the hELL’

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Boromir lives AU where instead of being around for the events of Two Towers and ROTK he just kind of shows up in Minas Tirith after the Ring is destroyed all bloody & bedraggled like ‘you GUYS i had to swim all the way back what the hELL’

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Portrait of a Young Woman, Jean-Etienne Liotard 

Girl with a Pearl Earring, Johannes Vermeer 

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Zack: If I die, would you remarry?

Cloud: If you die, I'm putting the romance in necromancy and bringing you back.

Zack: Are you really performing dark rituals to keep me alive Spikey?

Cloud: I said "I do" through sickness and in health, and I meant that as a threat.

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Watching Advent Children and Cloud truly doesn’t give a fuck it’s great. Kids on bikes who look like miniroths and call him brother? Sure. Fine. No they can’t have Jenova. Reno pulls a baton on him? He can wait outside during the plot relevant conversation. Rufus wants to exposition dump? Too damn bad, get to the point or shut up.

Cloud has his own can of problems and he wants nothing to do with this new mess and is refusing to give it any more attention than the bare minimum 10/10 man lived through like 3 apocalypses and does not have the fucks to give for another

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Au where Anakin keeps shamlessly flirting with Obi-Wan in front of anyone and everyone. It's embrassing as hell and Anakin is getting such a kick out of making Obi-Wan blush and look scandalized. Obi-Wan is experienced but dear force, this is Anakin offering to get on his knees in front of the jedi council. He makes a blowjob gesture in front of the troops, winks and does the come hither motion during a diplomatic meeting, skinny dips during an away mission, and on and on. This is over the top, no holds barred come ons.

Obi-Wan keeps telling himself that Anakin is fucking with him, pushing boundaries, being a little shit. He doesn't really mean it.

Meanwhile Anakin is shooting his shot hard enough to blow his own dick off. He's so serious that the Force is embrassed for him. Yoda facepalms during an meeting, Rex and Cody both try to convince him that his balls to the wall strategy isn't working, Ashoka is going to leave the order to avoid the secondhand embrassment.

Eventually Obi-Wan decides that if Anakin is going to sink this low, he's damn well going to meet him at rock bottom. During a live interview he slaps Anakin on the ass and goes, "good job, General," with a dead eyed stare at the camera. Anakin's expression of honry/scandalized/wtf becomes a meme on the holonet.

After that it's just War. Obi-Wan knows how to shut Anakin down- all he has to do is be more lewd, more scandalous, more over the top. That's easy. Anakin fumbles the first few times, because holy shit, Obi-Wan is flirting back, but he's probably just doing it to get even. So Anakin doubles down.

At no point do these idiots realize the other person A. means it and B. is down bad. This is a competition and they're going to Win.

Anyway it culminates to then flirting in front of Palpatine, who just breaks down and tries to murder them both, and the galaxy is saved through over the top sexual innuendos.

It probably ends with them embrassing themselves in front of the galaxy and making out sloppy style.

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AOTC au where Anakin doesn't go back after the Tusken massacre. He Falls (or at least believes he's visibly tainted by the Dark side) and ends up running. He's lost both homes, his mother and the Order/Obi-Wan, all in one fell swoop and is adrift. He cuts his braid and the bond, leaving Obi-Wan terrified that Anakin is dead, but he refuses to believe it without proof, even as a couple years pass.

The Clone Wars is happening in the background and Anakin is being hunted by both Palpatine and Obi-Wan. Anakin isn't exactly good at keeping a low profile, so there's rumors of him across the galaxy, slaughtering slave traders. (I like to think he just goes, "well, I can't go home. Might as well kill Jabba the Hut/Watto/anyone that's ever owned him/his mother." It gives him something to do while avoiding Obi-Wan.)

Obi-Wan has been crushed by grief, by the loss of his Padawan, and ends up abandoning his post at the first sign that Anakin might be alive. Thus begins a cat and mouse game across the galaxy, Obi-Wan steadily falling further and further with every slip and near miss of Anakin.

Anyway, I just have this scene where Anakin is lashing out, convinced that Obi-Wan will hate him, trying to push him away before the rejection can happen. Nothing Obi-Wan says is getting through to him, nothing is evidence enough of his love.

Obi-Wan eventually pins him to the ground and grabs him by the hair. "You're my padawan. You will always be my padawan." Anakin is staring up at him, shocked, eyes gold, as Obi-Wan twists his hair into a braid, a declaration and a promise all at once.

This either goes the "fuck Anakin back into the light" route or they end up becoming morally ambigious sith lords together.

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I wanted to write a whole bit with cloud finding a book about dog training and fantasizing about getting a cute puppy but that was too much to write for this dumb ass punchline

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How differently would Sephiroth react to Cloud dating one of the following people:

Tifa

Zack

Aerith

Barret

Vincent

Cid

Reeve

Rufus

Genesis

and Angeal

(let’s just say that Cloud ending up with Zack, Aerith, or Angeal are from timelines where at least one of them lived)

Oh gosh, the chaos of some of these!

Tifa: He's unsurprised, mostly since he already assumed they were dating. Doesn't mean he isn't angry as all hell. He sees the two hug and just walks over, shoves Tifa to the ground, picks Cloud up, and runs off with Cloud in tow. He then proceeds to get killed 15 minutes later by an angry Cloud.

Zack: Also unsurprised, since he had just assumed the two had dated at some point or were dating. Still doesn't mean he isn't fuming. He instantly starts trying to sabotage the relationship and repeatedly attempts to control Cloud to make him break up with Zack.

Aerith:

Barret: Is convinced that Cloud is only dating Barret due to Barret's paternal instincts. Declares to Cloud that he could be like a father to Cloud, which earns him a smack upside the head.

Vincent: I have two reactions for this one, depending on if you think Vincent is Sephiroth's father or not.

Option 1 (Vincent is NOT the father): He's probably the least offended by Cloud dating Vincent out of anyone, mostly since Vincent is at least a reasonable match to him (Sephiroth) in terms of power. Sephiroth isn't going to take it lying down, but at least it doesn't feel like Cloud is settling for someone who is a mere mortal.

Option 2 (Vincent IS the father): Sephiroth decides that Cloud is his mother now (or at least his step-mother). Chaos ensues that is generally uncomfortable for everyone involved, except for Sephiroth who is living his best life.

Cid: He tells Cloud that he needs to break up with Cid because he "doesn't like his things smelling of smoke he didn't cause." Cloud is not amused.

Reeve: Sephiroth takes one look at Reeve and just goes "who?" Despite several attempts at explaining that Sephiroth has actually met Reeve several times in the past since they both used to work for Shinra, Sephiroth is unconvinced. He's pretty sure he would remember a wizard if he saw one.

Rufus: He hears about this and makes the most disgusted face you can imagine. He then promptly decides that Cloud must either be being blackmailed or brainwashed to even consider dating Rufus. Rescue mission time!

Genesis: Cloud expects Sephiroth to be upset. Genesis expects this to finally be the thing that makes Sephiroth truly see him as a worthy rival. Instead Sephiroth says something incredibly stupid like "why don't you go back to your apple farm, apple boy" that has everyone wishing they were dead. It's just so stupid, yet he says it complete sincerity like he's giving one of his speeches about his mother.

Angeal: Sephiroth informs Cloud that Angeal is too old for him and that Cloud should date someone closer to his own age. Angeal helpfully points out that Sephiroth is also several years older than Cloud that therefore Cloud should be dating neither of them.

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Nice!

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Cloud ping pongs between both of these states like a metronome.

"I am at peace and in charge of my own destiny" is when Cloud's brain soup is still marinating in Zack's memories and he's cosplaying as a composed, too-cool anime protagonist.

"Fuck it we ball" is when the real Cloud comes through. The slightly feral country boy who will ride a dolphin, beat up a haunted house and killed Sephiroth when he was 16 with the raw power of "not on my watch"

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people who write fics. how do you feel about comments on super old ones you wrote like 2+ years ago

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when i look up a knitting term, the last thing I want is an ai overview. I want a 60+ year old woman with no understanding of lighting or helpful camera angles who still manages to give the most concise and clear explanation of how to execute purl 2tog through the backloop. ai summary fuck off, where is phyllis?

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How much do AGS fair when Zack excitedly announces that he’s going to be a daddy? How does everyone else?

Oh, and were the Turks or Kunsel first to start the betting pools? :o

 

*sending absolutely not a bribe cookies*

(@violetinkclouds)

*Zack bursts into the room, proudly wearing a bright yellow t-shirt that reads "#1 Father" in Comic Sans, glitter glue obviously involved*

Zack: GUYS. Look what I have!! It goes perfectly with my new identity! Aerith and I decided to level up our relationship!

Angeal: OH MY GOD NO—NO NO NO!

Genesis: ZACKARY. YOU ARE A CHILD.

Sephiroth: Congratulations on your fulfillment of heteronormative domestic aspirations.

*Angeal immediately drops like a sack of potatoes and begins violently sobbing*

Zack: What, so I can't become a dad just because I'm "young" and "irresponsible" and "once lost my sword for two weeks and used a broom instead"? TOO LATE. Baby's already here and Reno's on babysitting duty!

Genesis: YOU IMPREGNATED HER AND SHE ALREADY GAVE BIRTH??? WHAT IS THE TIMELINE HERE, IS SHE A SUMMON??

Sephiroth: You left your offspring with Reno? A man who has smoked things that aren't even legal in the Gold Saucer? That's—OW, OW, Angeal stop clinging to my leg, you're cutting off circulation—

*Angeal is ugly sobbing, face smashed into Sephiroth's thigh like it's a therapy pillow*

Zack: Listen! So what if Reno's nanny-ing? I just wanted Angeal to meet his grandkid. You guys can all be uncles! Uncle Gen, Uncle Seph, maybe even Uncle Tseng—

Genesis: NO. NO, I REFUSE. I AM NOT SIGNING UP FOR PTA MEETINGS OR CHANGING DIAPERS.

Sephiroth: Angeal? My friend? Genesis, he's stopped blinking. He's vibrating. Why is he vibrating?

Genesis: Zack, you buffoon, this is catastrophic. Think of the logistics. R&D will have your head. Where will you even put the child? The barracks? You are a FATHER now. And Angeal is a GRANDFATHER. I NEED A SEDATIVE.

Sephiroth: Oh! Angeal has found a snack. Genesis, help me unhinge his jaws from his own shirt.

Zack: You're all being so dramatic. Look! Reno's here with the baby! :)

*Enter Reno casually wheeling in a tiny stroller with a tiny succulent snuggled inside*

Genesis:

Reno: Yo. Kid's asleep. Didn't cry once. Kinda proud of him. We shared a juice box earlier, he's chill.

Zack: There's my little tyke!

*Angeal has passed out on the floor, one hand still gripping Sephiroth's boot like a lifeline to sanity*

Sephiroth: Your child is beautiful, but I fear Angeal requires medical evacuation.

Genesis: It's like everyone snorted crack.