depressionstones-blog

[depressionstones-blog]

p>Ya know. I get my hopes up and hurt a lot and afterwords, I seem to always tell myself to stop searching or trying. But its more like these people just fall into my hands and then I just go along with it no matter what for who they are. Only not long later do they just take advantage of that and leave me again feeling more empty than before.

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I had a trigger. This new guy and I were in his, master bedroom messing around a little. He wasn’t even really touching me the way I like it, and I can’t even believe me saying that he was too aggressive was a thing, but it was, and he was. My body is gentle and delicate these days I suppose.. Anyway, we were drunk and the way my body twitched and the way his fingers moved, together went up my ass. Now normally accidents happen, and I can laugh it off. But the fast feeling and shock of pain completely made me go back to that one time in Europe. And before anything could even be said I was fast on the ground sobbing and sobbing. He didn’t understand but tried holding me because I was in such hysterics. When I got a hold of reality again I told him how I was raped in the ass and how I guess when something like that happens immediately the pain and fear came back. For a minute there I forgot where I was, thought I was back in Turkey getting my mouth covered when I screammed and cried, of course I panicked. Then the second running thought through my mind was how again I was in a foreign place with a foreign man and was scared that I again would have to go through all that pain and force. He wasn’t going to force anything. This man who was witnessing this just held me and told me not to apologize. He helped me, truly. Now, with consent I’ve tried to give a lover anal but I still couldn’t do it because it’s completely not enjoyable for me. But with this non-consented accident..I guess it just lead to a really bad trigger.

[depressionstones-blog]

It happened again. 

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We were sitting in church this sunday for a few performances that we were getting paid for. I got to face the choir members since I was there for violin. We made eye contact, smiles, and gestures of interest. It wasn't even a full day since we slept together.

But my favorite part of all, even after we discussed that we couldn't be alone together again, was when we were singing the Lord's prayer and smirking to one another while we sang the lines "lead us not into temptations." 

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I'm the reason you're a cheater.

It takes two to tango.

Why do we feel this way together?

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It's getting to the time where I avoid mirrors, I avoid knowing what I look like because I cringe when I see my face.

I wish I could hide. I hate how I look a lot of the days. I'm not pretty enough.

I'm not good enough.

I am funny lookin.

My face is too long. my hair is too long. My teeth are too crooked.  My bags under my eyes are too dark. My stomach is too fat. My arms are too flubby. My hands are too stubby. My ears are too big. My face has too many scars.

I know nobody is perfect.

I know that I could be worse.

ah these thoughts will pass when the sun's up. hopefully.

[depressionstones-blog]

It's going to be difficult to limit our hanging out time. It's just too difficult to pretend like I'm not into you, or that I really care about your relationship with her. How long do i have to wait until you realize that you're unfaithful thoughts will cave? Regardless I can't have someone play games with me, I like you too much to want to be okay with this.

although, i am.

UGH. 

put your hands on me again please. you continued to see me even after the alcohol ran off. You continued to kiss and bite me, to squeeze me and compliment my skin, my warmth. Doesn't that tell you something?

Loneliness 

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Last night I held a party with some music major friends. It was fun and I thoroughly enjoyed all of my friends. Last night after everyone left it was just me and a friend cuddling on the couch watching adventure time until 4am. We went to my bed and he couldn't take his hands off of me. I was so turned on and obviously he was too, but we had to stop because the guilt was coming over him. He sat up and we went into the living room to talk. He has a girlfriend in a different state, hence why he's so sexually frustrated. But he said I was beautiful and that if he were single he'd be very much all over me because he does like me. I know he loves her, and I know the last thing he wants to do is break her heart. 

I'm just bummed because I do like him a lot. damn.

[depressionstones-blog]

Wow. I was right. October 10th a year ago I went home with my boss.

I had school the next day and had to wear my work shirt in the morning since I didn't have anything else to change into.

bittersweet, Travis,

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Well there we go.

The man I will never get over just told me he bought his one way ticket to Australia. There he goes. Where his best friend lives, and where the chick he can't seem to forget about lives.

How many nights am I going to cry over him still?

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It’s been two fucking years. TWO YEARS. Why do you still haunt me? I think i’m over you, and then the next thing that happens is you’re back. You’re right there just breathing down my neck and luring me back into you. Over and over again.

It’s so hard to forget about you.

You talk to me all the time, you shake me out of my head, you care so much. Yet who I am is just not ever enough? Why do you look at me and care and give so many fucks, when I’m just one step away from what you could ever want and more in a woman, but not enough?

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Why do you still care?

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I hate feeling this way. Always.

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George

For your 21 birthday I will strut the streets of Vegas with you in shiny fucking clothes and heels. And I'll be higher than the coke we're on while I watch you cry after vomiting your mixed drink up in the sink for the third time. I'll be that friend.

I fucking love you.

[depressionstones-blog]

Since May I've been sleeping with the same man. Even when I was talking to others, sleeping with others. It's been four months of quite and shy feelings. It's been four months of the best sex I've ever experienced. And it's been four months of learning so much about myself, without the addition of a man trying to complete me, or force me to be a different thing than me. It's literally been four months of discovery. I like how slow I'm growing with Adam. I like how slow and scared we are. It's like a feeling of youth when you first tell a boy you like him and he "asks you out". Haha, it's just funny how a person grows up. It's an innocence in the light, but a delicious thing in the sheets.

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I like how slow we're going.

I like waking up to your arms and hands on my sides. 

I like falling asleep on your chest and hearing you collapse into sleep.

I like your face when I turn you on.

I like how you hate how my hair feels cold on your skin after we take a shower together.

I like how we nit pick at our bodies when we're naked in the bathroom together.

I like how scared I am to kiss you when we're not in the sheets.

I like how it feels so right to lay on you even when we're nervous that our friends will see.

I Like how it feels to bring you up about your confidence. I like to secure you in who you are and your body.

I like how raunchy we can get.

I like how real and open we are.

I like how scared we are.

I like missing you when you're busy or out of town.

I like camping with you.

I like drinking with you.

I like watching cartoons with you.

I like falling asleep to you when you play guitar.

I like your bushy eyebrows.

I like how this wasn't supposed to happen.

I like how slow we're going.

[depressionstones-blog]

like me back like me back like me back pls plsplsdaaasdea