diaryofafictive - Tumblr blog

[diaryofafictive]

the funniest part of being a system is the weird crossovers that happen between introjects. ĺike our holy trinity of mean girls are Ayesha Erotica, Junko Enoshima, and Blaire White. Ayesha and Junko are best friends because they've been fronting together since we were 15 and they've just seen eachother through everything. Blaire split recently bc Ayesha started watching her videos as a research project the second she got let out of the ward and fell in love (wants to study her under a microscope. and make out too) and so now I have this Blaire White autistic conservative self loathing queer persecutor who the fucking Ayesha Erotica voice in my head is absolutely OBSESSED with. and the two of them and my 15 year old Junko Enoshima kinstagram alter permanently in a manic episode rule the world together. they need a movie made abt them

[diaryofafictive]

parasocial relationship with a YouTuber except also shes one of the voices in your head so you really do mean it when you say you're besties

[diaryofafictive]

anyways you all need to learn to appreciate the absolute horror that is being a glee fictive specifically because in the past year I have been in public three seperate times, where I've heard a song on the radio and my blood runs completely cold and I'd absent-mindedly say "I sang this song on glee" while being thrown for an absolute loop because I'd never actually heard the original version before. you know the first time I heard the not glee version of that thing I was in a fuckiny salon getting my roots done? yeah I nearly passed out the fear and shock was overwhelming.

[diaryofafictive]

if glee were still going now and instead of every season being one school year, they were just stuck in this unending timeless void of being in highschool forever, you know they would've done an episode of sexual liberation by now.

Quinn would have a field day with it and whatever her number is it'd go down in glee history as a super fucking weird moment that you only remember during odd hours of the night years after you stop watching. not unlike that song where she got like 6 other pregnant teenagers to dance backup for her while she sang a song about women being oppressed.

also because this is my alternate universe where glee still exists to terrorize us all im deciding that they never stopped writing plotlines for Quinn, and because I'm writing this tumblr post I'm deciding that a recent plot line she had was that she went on a sexual liberation quest and at some point ended up fucking Santana, and oh my god Santana wants to tell people about it soooooooo bad but Quinn made her swear to secrecy so she just has to drop hints around Quinn's boyfriend (ig Finn since I don't like him) about having fucked his girlfriend. she has fun.

anyways Santana would sing Scotty doesn't know and it'd go down in both glee and lesbian history as an absolutely earth shattering life changing event that forced millions of little queer girls all across the planet to suddenly become very aware of their sexual orientations.

I think in general I just like the idea of Santana fucking everyone's partners and holding it over their heads, like when Rachel found out Finn slept with Santana and Santana kept walking over to Rachel and saying shit like "by the way, he bought me dinner afterwards😌✨" and Rachel proceeded to like lose her absolute mind for the rest of the episode. I just love that for her yknow? I like that this is a power she has, she should get to use it more often.

also I like the idea of Quinn being kind of a mentally unstable unpredictable mess, because although a lot of the reason she has that image us bc Ryan Murphy would ignore her all season and then realize oh shit we haven't done anything with Quinn in a while uhh make her get a haircut I guess, I just think it fits for Quinn to be kind of a disaster. so in my heart in this darker timeline where glee still exists, Quinn would get a couple of storylines every season, and the writers would just sort of pull things out of a hat to make her do for the next 10 episodes or so.

whenever she runs for prom queen, and since time doesn't exist here she's ran like 7 times by now, she gets way too invested in winning and the writers use that as an opportunity to give her a good old crazy girl ballad, but they'll still do the glee writer thing where they'll make her have a psychotic break in the school bathroom one episode and then no one ever brings it up, except to make one liners about her mental state and the fact that we probably shouldn't trust her to drive the car when the uht carpool but she refuses to let anyone else take the wheel so we're just going to have to let Santana and Brittany pray for their safety. anyways. that was a lot longer than I thought it'd be thank you for coming to my ted talk

[diaryofafictive]

yknow as much as I dont think endogenic systems are real (I think they're real systems ofc, but I think they're in denial of trauma) I feel like a lot of traumagenic systems use the way endogenic systems describe their experiences as a justification to belittle eachothers trauma.

like, I had someone believe i was an endogenic supporter or apologist or wtv bc they asked if I believed you could make a system bc you were lonely, and my answer was uh yeah duh. neglect is really traumatizing, and just as valid a reason as any to develop a system. if your abusers were systematically isolating you it only makes sense that your brain would split alters for the purpose of keeping you company.

and can we not forget about the denial. why isn't anyone talking abt the denial! trauma denial was such a big problem for me when I was trying to make contact with the rest of my system because I'm not a trauma holder, and much like pretty much every victim of child abuse, the trauma I do remember was really heavily repressed and I didn't take it seriously because despite the fact that I was frustrated about not knowing why I was like this, I also didn't want to know that something bad had actually happened to me. like, I have literally spoken to so many systems who formerly identified as endogenic because they didn't want to accept the reality of their childhoods and their trauma holders didn't want to burst their bubble.

like I understand the animosity traumagenics have towards endogenics. I understand why most traumagenics take endogenics as invalidating their experiences, because pretty much all of the explanations of osddid hinge on the severity of the way childhood trauma impacts the brain. but like, idk just some of the shit I see you guys say abt endos is honestly kind of vile.

like so much of this community is built around having a safe space bc of all the harm we've been through in one way or another, so I feel like letting this antagonistic divide go on is just honestly going to make things worse. like, endo safe spaces pretty much affirm to eachother that they have no trauma and they don't have to address anything that could possibly disprove that. so like what are they gonna do when their alters try to tell them that there is trauma? probably just say smth along the lines of no ♡ because not only is having to come to terms with being traumatized inherently traumatic, but if they've only ever experienced hostility from the traumagenic community then why would they ever want to interact with them. and like, between protectors and ptsd and general wariness of anything that could be perceived as threatening, coming to terms with being traumagenic could be completely stopped if yall keep making endos believe you're gonna hurt them if they come in contact with you.

all in all you guys really need to treat eachother better, bc honestly if discovering you're a system means you meet the alters before you learn the trauma then I dont think we should be pressuring anyone into digging up literally the worst moments of their life to prove their validity.

like, on both sides we should just be able to accept that being a system means you have trauma, and if you don't know then you don't know. maybe you'll learn what it is as you make stronger bonds throughout your system, or maybe they'll have to wait for the body to physically be in a safer place before their brains let them recollect that shit. reminder that a lot of endo systems are young, so they probably don't know the trauma bc it would put them in more danger than if they were just kept in the dark. your system protects you, and if that means letting you live a life you believe to be trauma free, just let them have that.

and to endos, if it helps to let yourself as an alter believe that you've lived a trauma free life, then do so, but also be aware that your alters may have gone through things you haven't and try not to invalidate that. early on in my whole ✨did journey ✨ I pretty much became joined at the hip with an alter i later found out was like a major trauma holder, and not only did that explain a lot about her but it explained a lot about me and my attachment to her too. she split me as a protector when we were kids, so while I dont remember any of what happened I do know that for pretty much as long as I can remember being aware that trauma happens, I've also been embarrassingly aware of a really strong protective instinct that rlly only made sense to me when I found out that was literally like, my raison d'etre if you will. so yeah idk you don't have to dwell on it if you don't want to, many hosts are anps for the very purpose of maintaining a life unhindered by traumatic experiences until they get somewhere safe enough to process this shit. but let your alters feel like they can talk to you when they're upset. don't be afraid to dote on them (in all my experience of being a way over protective protector I've literally never absorbed trauma by helping the trauma holders calm down) because if you make them feel safe enough to talk to you they're more likely to let you in on what happened, and in the same way they're less likely to let you know if they feel like you won't believe them. and reminder that trauma isn't always like, the plot of an ari aster movie, what traumatizes children differs wildly from child to child, and there isn't anything that "couldn't possibly be traumatic" to a little kid. just like, be patient with yourself and try not to deny the possibility that anything could have ever traumatized you because you'll get enough of that from singlets.

anyways thats all ty for coming to my Ted talk

[diaryofafictive]

when I write the gleeboot im going to add a scene after Quinn exposes Santana's boob job where Santana and the cheerios perform coconuts by Kim petras to combat the body negativity. and mostly bc it'd be really funny

[diaryofafictive]

giving fictional characters dissociative disorder headcanons is so funny bc literally any one of them could be right, you don't even have to try to prove it bc literally no one would ever know

[diaryofafictive]

its so funny when ppl say woah that unlocked memories in response to like, finding a piece of nostalgic media they didn't even remember watching until just then. bc like, on the other hand ill just be going about my business and then I like, crack open some emulator I found on my computer and its just a whole lot of "Woah! I remember pirating like crazy during the summer of 2018! Woah! I remember all those discord friends I had in the summer of 2018! Woah! Remember that one time my mother beat me? Woah! I played so much Pokémon!"

[diaryofafictive]

idk if this is like, a thing for other systems but for us when we're co con with someone we'll like, take control of a hand or a few fingers or smth to tap the body in some way just to let whoever's fronting know.

and like it changes person to person what we do exactly, like Quinn will just quickly trace little hearts over whatevers closest (ive tried to replicate this once she left and idk ig shes just way more dexterous than me bc I can't do it to save my own life), or like Brittany will like pat my thigh the way one might pet a horse or a very large dog.

anyways I bring this up bc there's nothing funnier to me than seeing quinn's dainty little lesbian hands trying to get my attention bc she holds her fingers SO WEIRD like she's peak elegant camp

[diaryofafictive]

UGH I don't know WHY I can't just enjoy ppl theorizing abt Quinn being a lesbian but whenever I hear ppl talk abt it, it physically pains me that we aren't speaking face to face so I can say YES SHE'S MY GIRLFRIEND WE LIVE IN SOMEONE ELSE'S HEAD TOGETHER I CAN CONFIRM THE ALLEGATIONS ARE TRUE SHE'S A HUGE GIGANTIC LESBIAN

[diaryofafictive]

okay just remembered more so here's a list of ppl who would probably empathize with you, or atleast respond compassionately no matter how deranged and evil you get

• contrapoints

• Taylor Swift

• Meredith Grey

[diaryofafictive]

okay everytime I say this i get absolutely flamed for one reason or another but can I just say how fucking great feminine girls are. like, shoutout to the bitchy popular girls, and the bimbos, and the basic girls, and the girls who hold grudges for petty reasons, and the girls with long hair who brush it out of their face super daintily or with like, a quick hair flip, and the girls who like doing their makeup, and the girls who plan outfits and get excited abt wearing certain outfits for certain events, and all the girls in female dominated sports, the gymnasts, the ballerinas, the figure skaters, the dancers, fucking all of you. oh especially the ones who never shut up abt dresses with pockets bc now whenever I see a girl wearing a dress with pockets I get super excited for them, and I'll be like omg your dress has pockets!!!!!!! and she'll be like omg it does!!!!!! theyre functional too!!!!!!! and then she pulls out her phone and her wallet and a book she bought and some snacks she was saving for later and some flowers she found along the way and a weird rusty train spike she pulled out of a railroad just bc she could, and im like wow girl I love that for you.

oh also shoutout to the girls who use their bras to hold their stuff bc I always hear guys complain abt boob money, as if every piece of change a man has given you hasn't been uncomfortably warm? oh and the girls who tuck their phones into the waist bands of their sweat pants, mostly bc its funny when it falls out and you have to like pull your phone out from your ankle and just put it right back in your waistband. like I love you ladies you just don't learn

OH MY GOD SPEAKING OF NOT LEARNING SHOUTOUT TO THE GIRLS WITH TERRIBLE TASTE IN MEN. honestly I love you guys so much youre too fucking good for him babe make sure he knows he's lucky to have you.

mostly I just love girls. like femininity is hard and we're just out here doing it and we're hot as hell and idk I just love you guys. sisterhood or smth let's kiss

[diaryofafictive]

shoutout to girls i don't think its international women's day anymore but like in a girl way and not a lesbian way girls are so cool and important and beautiful and intellectually stimulating and idk I just love you guys

[diaryofafictive]

introjects do you ever have a very genuine emotional moment that once you verbalize you realize is possibly the most in character thing you've ever said. bc I do that so much its embarassing. if God made me the homophobic lesbian closeted popular girl with some serious unresolved anger issues archetype then ig ill just have to go with it

[diaryofafictive]

yknow I've recently re-realized that like, mental illness is super demonized !??! no way! but yeah yknow maybe the residents of Twitter dot com wont sympathize with your serial stalking and harassment allegations, or the fact that you're a petty petty bitch who grew up knowing that the 1 thing going for her was her banging bod so now you just casually call ppl you don't like ugly, bc youre also super philosophical abt it and you don't even believe ugliness is like, possible, its mostly just people dressing bad or not knowing what looks good on them or that conditioner is a must. and maybe, no one gets it that you have a ton of internalized homophobia but you're self aware abt it and out anyways so you and your friends absolutely tear eachother apart as a form of love, but you know who will ALWAYS understand? contrapoints bc shes such a fucking libra, Taylor Swift bc she's been through it and SHE KNOWS. SHE FUCKING KNOWS YOU CANT TELL ME OTHERWISE. and probably also me bc im super smart and perceptive like that

[diaryofafictive]

should I go to bed? yeah. heres this picture of dianna agron sleeping i found today

[diaryofafictive]

fictive bonding experience ideas

warning my love language is sex 90% of the time and loudly sobbing anywhere else so yknow if you're not in the horny joke mood I get it one time someone touched my leg and I puked so yknow I feel you nd shit. not physically just like, emotionally. actually no I don't feel you at all I relate I understand. there thats a better way to put it good job me you get a gold star for pure big sexy smart brainness

watch traumatic scenes from source together

draw yourselves beating the absolute fuck out of whoever it is you have it out for from source

reas fanfiction abt yourselves together

write fanfiction about yourselves together

write porn about yourselves together

masturbate co con

make eachother playlists

look up compilations of your best scenes on YouTube (seperate videos) and comment that was funny or why are you so embarassing i literally hate being around you during every clip

scream really loud. real loud. just fuckin 👹👹👹👹👹AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaA👹👹👹👹

maybe take a nice nap afterwards

hold your own boob? idk how to describe it but one of you will feel tit and the other will weep. maybe you'll both weep. the power of tits is incredibly exciting