diaryofthoughts23

[diaryofthoughts23]

I need to think like this more.

I choose to remember you

Not by how you hurt me

But by how you taught me to heal

Not by how you left me

But by how you taught me to never abandon myself

Not by how you broke me

But by how you taught me to rebuild myself

Not by how you dimmed my light

But by how you helped me to shine

Not by how you kept me trapped in a place of comfort

But by how you empowered me to leave my comfort zone

Not by how you left me feeling weak

But by how you taught me what it means to be strong

Not by how you tried to control me

But by how you taught me to be free

Not by who you told me who I was

But by how you taught me to define myself

And above all

I choose to remember you

Not by how you were unable to love me

But by how you taught me

To love myself.

Words by: Tahlia Hunter

[diaryofthoughts23]

Been coloring old sketches for fun.

[diaryofthoughts23]

Confidence

I’ve always known that I lack confidence, but now I am realizing that is my next shadow wok topic/ fear to face. Today I almost spent 1000 dollars on a business course that I probably don’t need. When I went to talk about it with C-. He thought i didn’t need t spend the money like this on the course. The things I need are free and online. Really it came down to me lacking confidence in myself and my skills.

While facing the reality of the lack in my confidence I was in a state of panic. Within this panic I had some flashbacks of my dad yelling at me. I even though I have done the work on accepting my childhood situations and the path that led me to my current self, I still have work to do. I have a lack of confidence from the distinct memories from my past being told I cannot do it and to give up or that i could never do it.

Technically I have done what my dad said I couldn’t do. He said that art is not something to teach. So there. I am an art teacher now. My aunt told me I had a shitty singing voice that I shouldnt pursue music. But I am a good singer and can carry a tune. Fuck you aunt dawn. Then there is myself. A very scared part of myself tells me i cant be successful at my business and supports my self sabotaging habits. I make all of these plans,but cannot seem o stick to them. The only way to improve is to just do, to start. Right? The buisness seminar I listened to did help in some aspects. Creatin an avatar, (a perfect consumer) of my buisness and finding a way to reach that perfect person. Overcoming the fear is what takes time but that comes from a personal space, not the a business course . The conversation about creatively making it work for me. I just need to make the tech things I want work for me.

I like the idea of telling my story as a YouTuber. Turning the parts of myself I want to share into a character or the online world and using that characters to tell a story. If I turn myself into a character to be could become the confident character. I need to truly believe in my wonderful confidence. I think that can lay into the happiness book I am reading. It can help me figure out how to be more optimistic and happy and I could add some confidence boosting tips too.

[diaryofthoughts23]

Discontent

Monthly, weekly almost, I become discontented or numb. Am I stuck i n some hedonistic cycle? Where I can only be happy about stupid things that don’t matter? When little thing doesn’t work out, or somthing small inconveniences me and I’m a stupid cranky mess. Even if I tell myself “it’s ok this is a small inconvenience” It still takes so long to get over it. Am I so programmed to have instant gratification that when I cant fix my problem immediately I become depressed mess. It’s an instant gratification problem. Real change takes time and being impatient makes the time seem longer when you dont want it to be. QUIT BEING IMPTATIENT!!

HOW DO YOU STOP BEING IMPATIENT? I guess thats my next step. In the past I stop being impatient when I give up. But I dont want to give up on genuine change. I have this stuck feeling again, like when I ws depressed in college. Shit. Am I depressed again? (Yeah I slipped and fell into it) I might be. Probably am. I broke out of it last time by pursuing a major life goal and doing shadow work. In the past I the shadow work over my childhood trauma. Now I have to do the shadow work about who I am, what I want, and the life goals to achieve it. That’s what that book I bought is all about. It’s just feel like this inner slug that hasn’t been there before. Even in the past this slug I could easily shake off. The slug has turned into a leech sucking the energy and drive to do anything. Even to be happy. I want things , but can’t find the drive to pursue them. I am stuck in the rat race with the desire to get out, but no drive to make it happen. Then there are my health issues that could be adding to all of this mental confusion.

Let’s be honest, my health is shit. I eat Ike shit, I need to work out more and regularly. Again, there is desire to change but no energy or motivation to do it. There is almost a strong desire to give up. It’s not really there yet, but it feels like suicide. Giving up on all that is good for me and letting my stupid cravings win. I almost desire laziness and gluttony. There is an addiction to feeling stressed out and like shit. i know I have a weird confusing addiction to feeling Like shit. I DONT WANT IT ANYNMORE!!! I stat to work on it , i feel kinda better then I crash EVERY TIME. I CRASH THE CAR OF DESIRED CHANGE EVERY TIME. THIS IS WHERE I FAIL. I FAIL MYSELF CONSISTENTLY. FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUK THIS FUCK THIS FUK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FFFFUUUUKKKK TTHHIISS. I was afraid of failing other people or so long i now have a strange addiction to failing myself. If I fail myself there is no failure left to inflict onto others.

I cant get into the car of change anymore. I just crash. I dont kow how to drive the car of change, but damnit I’m gonna walk. It will be slow. It will be slow.

Change. Will. Be. Slow. But I cannot give up or be impatient and quit. That is failing myself and the life i feel called to I live. I want this cycle to end an a new cycle to begin. Its time. I need to still give myself the grace to fail/make mistakes AND pick myself up and keep going. Life starts new things and tries to begin change

SOOOOOOO MANY TIMES!!!!!!! It’s at the point where I am exhausted. Maybe thats why I want to give up. I m exhausted from trying so many times. How d I find the encouragement within myself? Do I hve a community that supports me? I think so.

Ok

GOAL: My fist goal towards change is to finish reading my happiness book and alll of the other supplimental work it has with it. It like a college course. Happiness 101 damnit.

[diaryofthoughts23]

Important things in life

- Faith

- Building a family

- Family

- Having fun

- New experiences

- Peaceful/calm existence

- Owning my business

I need to make choices that lead to the important things in life. At thing point I don’t thing being a house is what I need to do. C- and I have helped our parents with the care of owning a home. I don’t want to do that all the time. I want a peaceful existence. Plus owning a home has other upkeep things involved as well.

C- and i are debating what we want and need for the future. We initially were thinking of moving in march, but where to move and if we are renting or buying has major things to consider.

The were parts that are hard. We want to move closer to work. Plus it gets us away from stupid road construction and closer to it parents houses.

The what factor is the next part. We do not want to be on a 3rd floor apartment again. We know we want less neighbors. The housing market sucks ass rn. Do we really want to buy a house rn? Think the biggest thing we should do is save money like we are going to buy a house, but not buy a house for a while. We might have kids before we buy a house. That’s fine I’m willing to wait out the houseing market. I have a feeing that once my parents become older we will move in with them. Especially if we have kids. Collin would work and I could be a travel seamstress and keep the house clean. That would be my job/rent. Plus I could take up cooking again. If I could live with my parents, take care of the house, and raise my children that would be ideal. Mom could work the bees, I’ll take are of the garden.

This is a pretty decent dream, but it cannot become reality rn. That potential dream would have to take time and effort to reach. I should ask Collin about this idea when we have our monthly finance meeting.

For sure though in the meeting mention,

- saving money like we are going to buy a house, but not buy a house

- Still move in march to be closer to family and work

- Rent, for now. Look for houses, duplexes, and townhomes.

[diaryofthoughts23]

Home/House

Do you have to live in a house for it to be considered a home? I am realizing that the answer is no. When I have lived in apartments I have had this mental block on myself that it’s not a home, just a transitional space. When I have lived in a house with roommates I had some say in how the hem functioned, but not much. I am realizing what I need for my home. It doesn’t new to be a house.

Things I need to make my home

- minimal neighbors (I don’t want to be able to hear or smell you)

- 3 bedrooms

- 1 story (I’m done w/ stairs)

- A yard

Pros: owning house

- I can paint it an color I want ($)

- I can remodel how I want ($)

- I can do any gardening I want ($)

Cons: owning a house

- more taxes

- Home care (home warranty)

- Have to stay for 3 years

- Having to pay for consistent home upkeep/upgrade

Things that apply to owning or renting

- care (cleaning, yard work)

- Location

Pros: renting

- if things break I call someone else (not on me within reason)

- Can move somewhere new when I want (Tired of moving though)

Cons: Renting

- fluctuating rent prices.

- Searching for places within budget in a decent location at a decent quality

What is most important to me? Is buying a house important to my life? What do I want and how am I going to get there?

[diaryofthoughts23]

Discovery

Wow. So I have never been the person to run…ever. I have always been the weight lifter. Or the workout class goer. I have always hated running because it hurt. Today was different.

The past 3 months I have been walking at least 3 times a week. While i walk there has always been a focus on correcting my posture and mode of walking. (I used to waddled) today I ran back to my apartment to catch the amazon delivery driver and I realized that the running didnt hurt. It actually felt good. Now I did run to my sure to get my package so there ws a slight incentive, but after that I experienced my 1st runners high. It was a rush. I felt happy, but normal. It feels like weed used to feel. (Weed stopped feeling happy a while ago.) I want to do some experiments. How far can I run? How long can I run? As once I am having fun and have the choice to slow down when I want I think i can truly enjoy running.

[diaryofthoughts23]

My mind is running

I don’t know why m mind is running and i am waiting for my hair to dry. I think it’s cause of all the recent tension. Husband didn’t communicate well with his mom bout the family reunion thing this weekend. He knows what’s going on with his grandfather and how important it is to see him, yet ended up missing the family reunion because of his work. Teaching is hard and finding a rhythm for dong only work at work is hard. I want to ask him abut his phone usage at work, but with him doing well at home with the lock box it’s too soon to ask. He faced the natural consequence though. He had to listen to his mother call him crying because we were not there. I couldn’t go alone. That would have made him look worse.

Then with the J- thing this afternoon. While I love S-, he is throwing major red flags and only he can choose to get better. Wonder if this money fight will be the last strike for J- especially with S- fighting J- physically. J- had been getting stronger as an individual person, now may be the time for hm to truly be alone. Iike actually live alone. That could be beneficial for him. He has been fighting for his relationship or so long, it’s hard to see him struggle like this. I’l be there for him the best that I can.

Work I hear I feel on top of it this year. I feel like I am finally in the swing of things. Through quarter 1 and I’m not burnt out ( fingers crossed that i don’t become burnt out.)

My personal life feels shot though. Really it’s my relationship. I don’t feel satisfied. II’m not upset about it but just sad. I can’t be upset with C- it’s his first year teaching as a lead classroom teacher of a major subject. Its hard. I remember my first year teaching. I don’t blame him for the stress, but he needs to learn how to manage it better. For a while he would escape into his phone and i truly believe it would keep him up at night when he would wake and stare at that bright screen for hours thinking it would be helping him relax. He bought a lock box that he locks his phone in to help. He had been improving with that. Today he did some workout things at home. I hope that working out can help his stress level too.

(P.S. wrote this early September. By October I was burnt the fuck out)

[diaryofthoughts23]

Sew Skilled

At first I was trying to host in person classes, but that is hard to do. I do not have the money to be able to do that suessfully. I need to become better at technology and use it to my advantage. I can try online sewing courses for people to take. Once the class is made people can learn at their own pace and availibiity. It’s flexible, reaches a wider audience, and more possible for me to create. Plus once it’s made. I Don’t have to do anything to it. I can focus on answering people questions as they work through the course. I can explore projects and some custom work as well. Technology is at crazy area of development and I need to keep up with it. I have some patterns made fo a kids course currently. I can offer a wider age range of students too. I wish I had a mentor to help me with the business side of things too. One one to help me navigate this the world and things. I need to consider reaching out for help when it comes to parts of the things I wan to do. I can learn some skills, but it might be better to have someone else edit together videos and things. There are websites to contract people to do that. Video editing is tough and my skills Barely scratch the surface. I can keep learning, but especially getting started I might need some help for that part. To start I am going to liquidate the sewing machines I already have. That money will go towards my student loans. I have some other money set aside to make sure I have good filming equipment and lighting. I might need another camera. I had an idea or a live sew with me like live-streaming on YouTube or somthing. I can be live sewing with a community and answering questions as I go. Am going to start its the courses first. IIi need to create a curriculum/s and their progression. I might need to break down Me get a desktop computer to better handle all of this information. I have to put content on the terabyte I have until then. Let’s start there I guess.

[diaryofthoughts23]

Conciousness

Forcing my numb mind to make sentences helps clear the fog. I’m getting tired, probably the first time i will actually sleep for. I tried to nap earlier but my thoughts ruin the sleep. I gave u on napping very quickly but tried to keep my mind busy with social media and thinking of work and the buisness I want to try. I want to clear out some of my social media. Get rid of the things i dont need. It’s time or a clean out in all aspects of my lie. Mental, parasocial, physics. I am ready for a fresh start. Traveling for the last time this summer will be helpful. We are gang to phonix. A city that C- and I have never been to before. We are gong t have a relaxing last hoorah before we start work again. I might take some time to do some overview planning to better wrap my mind around the school year and figure out how its gong to work teaching art. The progression of the course.

[diaryofthoughts23]

Okay started good, but ended so disappointing and exhausting. I had thought I was pregnant and was dong what I thought was right to keep the baby. But i had a miscarriage. I know the first trimester an be tough, but i really got my hopes up that I would get to become mom. It hurt. I cried all the way home. I’m actually really good at driving and crying. C- held me when i got home. This experience also reaffirmed my trust in C-. He helped me on the phone with the doctors office, and once i was upset took the time to tell everyone for me. I know he is by me to support me through the tough times. This experience also really helped me understand my goals about the future, especially with my business. I need to better my online skills. Creating content/ finding help in the creation of the content. I want to make good videos about the sewing machine that can actually help people learn. Design patterns/digitize the ones I have. It ill take investment. I want to be self sufficient and remove the barrier of physical space and location. I had an idea for a studio time where I can set up machines for people to use in case they dont have one. But that Idea is still fresh and I haven’t worked out the kinks yet. Especially it’s the way tech is moving I need to keep up. I need to hang up the plan. The one I originally Made depends on a physical community, but now with the internet that can be uniting. Can reach people all over the country/world through the internet. I also have been thinking bout custom work again. I have to find my niche in all of this and start with one idea at a time. I need to approach it from a different angle.

I am trying to find the blessing in disguise from the miscarriage. I should count them.

1.) reaffirmed trust in C- proven to me through words and actions. Had respect for him before, but it’s on an a new level now.

2.) re-ignition of figuring out what i want to do with my creative life and new direction in starting to do business on my own. the goal is freedom to be able to raise children.

3.) a glimpse of the reality of being pregnant and the cost of it. Insurance is necessary. Money, space, and fear understanding of the future. C- and I have a plan or figured out one, but it’s time for more.

It hurts. The loss of life huts. I want to be a mom. I want those things in my future. They are part of my marriage vows. i need to take active steps towards those goals while still taking care of myself. It’s going to take time. I might be depressed for a Bit, but I am sure I will become stronger from this. I cannot let myself slip into this depression. I think that the support I have now will help.

[diaryofthoughts23]

Wow so the beach…

Fun but not as relaxing as I had hoped it would be. It was just the sleeping arrangement was not good. D- and E- were the only ones with a private room. Everyone else was sharing. The room C-, me, E2-, and H- were sharing was not supposed to be a room. It used to be a garage. No proper ventilation for the bathroom. By the end of the week it was mildew gross in there I couldn’t sleep. Plus the beds were gross and sticky just gross. I couldn’t say any of this to E- though. This rent house was the Christmas gift to all of us. She rented the place all on her own. So when she is asking us on the list day while we are sitting in the house what we thought of the trip I couldn’t speak my mind. It be like rejecting the Christmas gift.

Next year (if there is a next year) I want more of a say in where we stay. I will contribute money to make it a better place.

[diaryofthoughts23]

Beach Excitement

I am so exited to go the Galveston. To be by the beach and the water sounds nice. I’m Little nervous though. C- is the only person I can unmask around. The only one. Not even my parents or brothers. I am nervous about potentially unmasking around C-‘s parents, brothers, and their families. The times I have unmasked around my family’s and others it hasn’t been received well. C-‘s family is now my family too. I have to trust that they will accept me. I hope they will.

[diaryofthoughts23]

You know what exists?

Sunrise and oceans and

Bugs that light up and

Little animals that brush

Against a blue sky

His smile and his eyes

And every word that

Ever was written

Butterflies and barbecue

Willow trees and all those

Fluttering finches

Forests and frosties

An entire universe

Of magic made real

What a wonderful world—

We get to live in it

[diaryofthoughts23]

Virginia Woolf, from The Waves

[diaryofthoughts23]

Comfort shows

They’re a few shows that I will watch over and over again. There is Oran High School Host Club, Maid Sama, and recently fruits basket. Movies don’t last as long. I repeat them over and over until I cant stand them anymore. The comfort of a story I know makes me happy. These stories have some things in common. They’re about by high school girls, that face challenging circumstances.

Oran is about a common girl who gets into a wealthy private school on scholarship, but due to an accident she has to pretend she is a boy and participate in the Host club. The club hosts tea parts for their guests (love struck high school girls).

Maid Sama is about a girl student council president who comes from a poor family. Due to her father leaving her family, she has a man hater complex. The mysterious hot guy at school cant help but admire her work ethic and care for others. She hides her part time job working at a maid cafe to keep up with her tough girl president image. Love is a complicated emotions.

Fruits basket is about a high school girl who has lost her mother and is now homeless. She is taken in by the soma family. Cursed by the zodiac tradition. She falls in love with the cat.

Each of these stores have strong independent young women. The fight through all of their tragic circumstances to find love and happiness.

In highschool I was not strong or independent. I was stuck in a state of fear. Fear of my future, fear of upsetting my parents, fear of being alone, fear of who I was. I couldn’t let go of my fears. They drove my every action. My only escape from my fears was through books and a vivid imagination.

It seems weird, but slowly distancing my physical needs away from my parents and finding safety in my marriage, I have been able to calm down my fear and anxiety. In fact, being married to Collin has helped me find a state of peace and understanding with myself that I could have never achieved alone. I have conflicting emotions about this peace at times. I never achieved this peace while living with my parents and bothers. Living with all of them was stressful. I struggled with navigating what my role was in the family. This struggle strengthened and weakened different relationships with my brothers. I have a stronger relationship with the brothers youngest, but more distanced relationships the older they get. With 5 brothers there is quite a range. I hope and pray that I can maintain and grow my relationship with all of my brothers.

[diaryofthoughts23]

pumpkin pets