diaryofthoughtsblog

[diaryofthoughtsblog]

cw:114 lbs

i’ve lost six lbs<3

[diaryofthoughtsblog]

i want to be sicker yet being sick is the most tiring thing of all. i want to be sicker, and really i have no choice anymore. i WILL be sicker, because im too tired to get better. i do not have the energy.

[diaryofthoughtsblog]

so i’m trying to lose weight rn, and this blog will contain things about that.

sw-153lbs

cw-120lbs

gw1-115

gw2-110

gw3-105

ugw-100

[diaryofthoughtsblog]

“you look so… sick.”

“how much weight have you lost? you look sick again.”

“what have you been eating?”

I DONT CARE. I DONT CARE. I DONT CARE. I DONT CARE. I DONT CARE. I DONT CARE. I DONT CARE. I DONT CARE. I DONT CARE. I DONT CARE. I DONT CARE. I DONT CARE. I DONT CARE. I DONT CARE. I DONT CARE. I DONT CARE.

have you ever thought about the fact that maybe it’s my meds? maybe you make me so sick that i just can’t eat? have you ever thought about that? that maybe i AM sick? that maybe, and this might be a real stretch, i DO need help?

but no, you never cared about it when i tried to tell you. when i sobbed in your arms because i WAS sick. you only care because people can tell.

[diaryofthoughtsblog]

do you only reach out because everyone else is asleep and you know i will be awake, or is it simply because you miss me?

[diaryofthoughtsblog]

i have lost my appetite again now that we have stopped speaking. i ate earlier but i feel as if it will be the last meal i really want. the others that come after will be forced on me by loved ones, who continue to watch me get so sick that even something as simple as eating becomes pointless in my eyes. who watch as my world fades to a dull grey, because everything is pointless now. every moment that i am not allowed to talk to you makes that more clear.

[diaryofthoughtsblog]

i miss you. i miss us. i miss being your friend. i miss that weird phase where we were more than friends less than lovers. i miss our dates and pointless disagreements and laughter. i miss the comfortable silence and the phone calls where we talked until we fell asleep. i miss the sneaking around and the shut doors and the quiet laughter that we tried to hide when we did something we knew we weren’t supposed to do. i miss who i was before you, even though i find it impossible to truly want a life where you are not in it. i miss the girl i was before you came back the first time, the second time, the third and forth (though i’m glad you came back). i miss who i was when i didn’t miss you at all, because now it is all that i think about. i miss who i was when i didn’t have to miss you, because you were right there.

i think i just miss you.

[diaryofthoughtsblog]

when you’re crying about a boy but your mom tells you he’s not worth it (he’s worth everything and more).

[diaryofthoughtsblog]

the urge to

look sicker

be sicker

be healthy

be the best

be the worst version of myself

to tear apart my room

clean everything in sight

lay in bed all day until my body has no energy for anything other than sleep

to get up, workout, be healthy.

i have no clue what to do with my life.

all i know is that i want to be SOMETHING until somebody notices.