disobedyent

[disobedyent]

>update post 7/8/25

hello web crawlers!

a couple you may have noticed i haven't been posting

due to the type of content i post i feel like i owe you all an explanation. i am safe and well

>read more

>reality check v1.0

in april, my partner of 5 years ended things between us abruptly

i was devastated

i was hospitalized for weeks because i was in psychological agony

then i got discharged and things were seeming well

i was just about to start outpatient services

>reality check v1.1

in june, the only family member i trusted and helped me escape my previous horrible living situation kicked me to the curb

she was in a drunken rage

i pleaded with her to let me stay

but she refused

i was hospitalized again

but only for a few days

i was sent to a halfway home-like setting for about a month

i found support to get me back on my feet

>present day present time

i am alive and in good spirits

currently in a women's homeless shelter

i met a wonderful person who is now my romantic partner

i am awaiting subsidized housing

all things considered

there might be a higher force out there watching over me

never in my life have i been so grateful to be alive

[disobedyent]

i just want it to stop hurting. im tired of this empty void you left me with. what a sad selfish sadist excuse of a human being you are.

[disobedyent]

>happy 404 day interweb crawlers and cyber friends!

[disobedyent]

>help me, i've lost my mind

>he's my obsession, my blackout

>guess i'll never know

>what does he really dream about?

[disobedyent]

>too lost in the matrix

>wondering where i've been, i've gone too far

>lost in cyberspace

>maybe even outer-space

>i don't even know anymore

>...

>these days my circuits refuse to compute

>running and pushing those i love so far away

>i'm so paralyzed, dont want to agonize

>need to function, lost in conjunction

[disobedyent]

I'm a Lain fan too! What does that anime mean to you on a personal level?

>lain is an interpretive art piece much more than it is an anime

>it was ahead of its time, predicting an age for internet addiction and online personalities

>the internet was seen as a boogeyman in 1998 with its looming threat of technology rapidly advancing and vulnerable people being exploited online

>i see a lot of myself in lain iwakura; being on the web at a young age, likening lain's unspecified identity/personality disorder to my BPD, adopting a different personality depending on a social situation, and overall disassociating online

>the only part i dislike is the concept that lain was created as an artificial intelligence/android and has an adoptive family. i do understand masami eiri could have been gaslighting lain, but the implications are oddly specific

>i also got to see bôa live in fall 2024! it was very surreal hearing the OP "duvet" performed live by the original band

[disobedyent]

>i feel ungrateful

>simultaneously, i shouldn't be asking you for the bare minimum

>why do i ask to have meaningful conversation, want to see you more than once every 5-10 business days, to be praised, to just feel loved by you

>do you wonder why i get extremely touch and attention starved when i see you?

>because you refuse to do more than the bare minimum when we are apart

>...

>you're running out of excuses

[disobedyent]

self realization is not a new belief that replaces your old beliefs like philosophy, religion, self improvement

all the beliefs about yourself just end

they themselves are errors that are hurting you and causing insecurity

never once considered self-realization to be a belief. i firmly believe it is cognitive function human beings have to improve

this time last year i was going through a manic episode and almost severed ties with everyone i cared about. after a couple months i realized that i was in the wrong. my psychiatrist diagnosed me with bipolar which sucked because i also have bpd

you are grounding yourself in reality by realizing your own sense of self, it's actually a skill you learn in cognitive and dialectal behavioral therapy called mindfulness and "taking yourself to court"

as somebody with bpd and bipolar being aware of myself saved my life

[disobedyent]

>s3nd mE @ pr0Mpt

lovely people of cyberspace, I'd love to answer some questions and comments 🩶

[disobedyent]

>why do we let others have the privilege of controlling our minds, physical anatomy, and financial well-being?

>it's sickening how one person can be responsible for how you function

>you want to escape, yet you've been beaten down so many times that you're afraid

>afraid of having autonomy

[disobedyent]

Your content is genuinely so good it makes me wanna write more poetry gang 👍🏻👍🏻

I also miss when AI and robots were cool too fr

thank you lovely 🖤 i still love artificial intelligence and robots as a dystopian concept not a slop machine. hajime sorayama's art helps me cope with the unfortunate loss of this dystopia

[disobedyent]

if you've liked/reshared my posts on my silly internet blog in this vacuum of cyberspace, i luv u 🖤

[disobedyent]

>i always ignore my gut

>and i find out im right

>every, single, time

>then i spill out my guts

>rinse and repeat

[disobedyent]

another life inconvenience happened, hello bpd tumblr i missed you

[disobedyent]

You're lost inside a lucid dream

Longing for a timeline that goes your way

Such a maladaptive drifter

Lusting for someone intangible

They're so close but out of reach

What does it mean to be alive?

You've turned yourself off, but you're not fading away

[disobedyent]

🤖

LOVE.EXE

[disobedyent]

check this out pls

TEEN_IDLE