djerhlm

[djerhlm]

will never get over the fact that we can love people despite there being countries between us. we can miss people we’ve never seen in person. we can connect and bond over hundreds of things without ever needing to be in each others physical presence. we can have half the globe between us and love never falters.

[djerhlm]

kaz doesn't break promises

kaz brekker x fem!reader

part three! i hope you like it.

part one part two

They say the pleasure of love lasts but a moment. The pain of love lasts a lifetime. Whether that means that loving someone too deeply hurts, or the heartbreak that follows the loss of someone who you loved too deeply.

Everyone copes with heartbreak in different ways. It seems as though no matter how long someone is heartbroken, they find it within themselves to overcome it. They grieve for a few months, maybe even a few years, but they learn to accept the fact that it happened and it’s over.

With Y/N, however, it’s different. The heartbreak wasn’t planned. Kaz didn’t break up with her or directly say anything mean, he had just found someone else to love. That left her with doubts. And she was surrounded by those doubts. Day after day she would mope around her apartment, zoning into her thoughts. Going to work became too much for her because she was just so tired–mentally.

Disha was an incredible friend, always looking out for Y/N. But she also grew tired of having to take care of a second person. Day after day she would come home from work to see her roommate staring at the ceiling, or her not coming home until the late hours of night. Y/N was a burden.

After having worked 13 hours at the bakery, Disha walked into the small apartment to be confronted with darkness. She knew she wouldn’t be eating anything. Y/N was too mentally unstable to cook, leaving Disha with the responsibility. But she didn’t have time.

Walking to Y/N’s room, Disha knocked.

“Y/N? Are you in there?”

A soft hum came from the other side.

Disha opened the door to–her surprise–Y/N sitting on the floor reading. Every time she walked into that room she would be met with Y/N hiding under the covers. On her days off, she tried to get her to walk around town, go shopping, do anything to get her out of the house. She probably felt even more miserable because she never saw the sun.

“Y/N/N, darling! You’re doing something other than sulking!” Disha teased.

“Yeah, yeah. I made a mission. Everyday, I’m going to try to complete a task or activity. Today, reading.” Y/N added.

“I really am proud of you. I’m off tomorrow, how about we go to town?”

“I’m not sure if I’m up for that just yet, D. I’m sorry.”

“Come on, Y/N.” Disha dragged out. She just wanted to help her friend.

“Can I think about it? Please?” Y/N pleaded.

“Okay. Yeah. Will you at least help me make breakfast tomorrow?”

“Of course.”

After smiling at each other and saying goodnight, Disha walked to her room.

In the morning, a brilliant light hugged Y/N’s body, making her feel warm. The sun had always motivated her. In her healing phase, she kept the curtains closed 24/7. The only time she saw light was when she walked into a different part of the apartment. And sometimes she sat outside, though only for a few minutes–she was scared that Kaz would show up one day. She knew it was a stupid thought, Kaz had no way of knowing where she was, but she often imagined him travelling the world just to find her, only for her to scream at him and tell him to leave.

Though she knew that if he actually had shown up, she wouldn’t do those things. She wasn’t quite sure what she would do–probably freeze for too long and run away. It’s hard imagining those things. There were so many possibilities. Positive and negative. If Kaz had knocked on her door right at that moment, would she slam the door in his face or would she let him apologize and recite a speech? She hoped it to be the former, knowing that if Kaz apologized she’d forgive him with no hesitation.

Disha knocked on her door, yelling, “Y/N! Wake up and help me make breakfast. You didn’t say the words ‘I promise,’ but that’s what I’m interpreting it as so if you don’t walk out of this room in approximately 3 and a half minutes, you would have broken your promise and the Saints will make sure you don’t end arrive upstairs. See you soon!”

Y/N had only met Inej a couple of times, but the word “saints” was associated with her. Kaz had taken Y/N to the Church of Barter. They found a place to sit on one of the high points and looked out at the city. That was one of her favorite memories. It was just them against Ketterdam. The Bastard of the Barrel and his Beauty of the Barrel.

One thing she loved about Kaz was his compliments. After the tragedy of losing his brother, he gained an aversion to physical touch. And although Y/N was fairly affectionate, she had loved Kaz enough to put those affections away. Of course, Kaz knew this. He always felt guilty for not being able to hug her when she was sad or kiss her tears away. He couldn’t help but think Jesper would be a better fit for her. They were both happy and outgoing people, they would surely shine together. To make up for it, he made sure to compliment her at least once a day.

Her days were never dull when Kaz would walk up to her and remind her of how beautiful she looked that day. Although Kaz was mostly closed off with other people, he had no problem expressing his feelings when he was around her. With someone like Inej, Kaz simply would’ve said, “You look nice.” With Y/N, on the other hand, it would be more detailed. Of course she looks beautiful today Kaz. But the wind also blows her hair back, revealing her full face. Her jewelry that was once covered by her hair now shines brightly due to the sun. She’s everything.

Those were Kaz’s same thoughts. He had been on a heist for a few days, ready to be back in Ketterdam despite it’s history. He was planning on apologizing to Y/N for being so distant, but when he arrived at her apartment, it was mostly empty. The only items that remained had belonged to him.

He knew she wouldn’t have left without a reason. The distance was the only thing he could think of. He had neglected her, he knew that. But there was an upcoming heist that he had to plan for and everyone was stressed out.

He had also gotten quite close with Inej in those moments. Even before that, Inej was one of the only other people Kaz trusted besides Y/N. He would never feel anything romantic towards Inej of course. Though he couldn’t help but think Y/N saw him and Inej together.

It was always Kaz and Y/N. There had never been another girl or even another guy in the picture so he could only imagine the jealousy she would face if encountering him with someone else. She trusts him, though, right? He promised her a lifetime of happiness and he wasn’t going to break that promise.

Months went by with no sign of his Y/N. He spent too much time thinking of what went wrong, how he had wronged her. There were written letters all over his room, ready to be sent. But her location was unknown. He was seriously contemplating travelling the whole world just to find her, to tell her how sorry he is.

Kaz was always at his happiest when he was by her side. It wasn’t something he had realized once she was gone. It had always been like that and he wasn’t ashamed to admit it.

Y/N was an overthinker and it hurt Kaz to know that she was most likely struggling right now. All he wanted to do was apologize. He wasn’t expecting her to forgive him–although it would be nice.

Everything Kaz did was for her. Their future. The journeys they would go on. And he need her to know he was still planning on giving it to her.

So he hosted a meeting with the Crows.

“As most of you know, I hav-had a girlfriend named Y/N. I went to her apartment a few months away to find her gone.” Kaz began.

“She was taken?” Wylan gasped.

“No, all of her stuff was gone. She left. I haven’t seen her since and I want to take time off to try and find her.”

“We’ll go with you,” Nina stated.

“No. Work still needs to be done here. Inej is in charge.” Kaz disclosed.

“I’ll be on the next boat to Novyi Zem tomorrow.” he added.

“But Novyi Zem is enormous.” Jesper snorted.

Kaz glared, “I have to start somewhere.”

The next morning, Kaz packed a bag and headed for the docks. He had it all planned out. Of course, he couldn’t just knock on every door and expect her to be the one opening it. He would ask people if they had seen a girl with Y/N’s attributes. He hoped people would cooperate and give him answers. Ripping someone’s eyes out to make them speak didn’t seem like a bad idea.

He would start at Shriftport and make his way up. This journey wouldn’t be easy. He could possibly spend months trying to find her in this huge country only to go back to Ketterdam to be told she’d been in that damned city the whole time. But she was worth all of his time. She always would be.

His leg began to get worse. He had to take a few days break to relax. But he wouldn’t allow himself to relax too much when he knew she was out there somewhere. Every time he walked through a town, his fear of finding her face on a bulletin board with the word “MISSING” overwhelmed him. She had always told him to replace negative thoughts with positive ones. He found that hard to do when he was so eager to find at least one little thing pointing him in the direction of her. Maybe if he did find a missing poster with her name on it, he could move on.

One morning while in Weddle, he walked to a local bakery to grab himself a pastry for breakfast. It was a small building, only having one table to sit and eat. That table was occupied.

They were both frozen. Kaz had been in Novyi Zem for about 3 months. And here she was. The girl he was looking for.

Y/N was quick to run away, using the back door. Kaz followed, hoping he didn’t look suspicious in his all black attire.

“Y/N! Y/N, please. Wait.” Kaz shouted, limping.

She stopped in front of him.

“Are you ashamed of me?” Y/N whispered.

“Of course not. Why would you think that?”

She was silent for too long.

“Do you think of me when you look at Inej?”

“Y/N, I promise there’s nothing between her and I.” Kaz breathed. He was dreading this moment.

“Don’t lie to me Kaz.”

“I’m not lying. Please give me some time to explain.” Kaz pleaded.

“What if I don’t want to hear-”

“Yes, I neglected you and made you doubt our relationship. It wasn’t supposed to happen but we had an important heist to plan for. One wrong thing could’ve gotten us killed. I had to plan strategically. You know how much of a perfectionist I am. I spend a long time studying the layout of the building and the surrounding buildings. I made plans A-N to assure it would go right. I was wrong for what I did to you. I could’ve taken a few minute out of my day to send you flowers but I didn’t. And I know how much that hurt you. But I’m here and I’m apologizing and I don’t expect you to forgive me but I want you to know you didn’t do anything wrong.”

Kaz finished with a deep sigh.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Y/N whimpered.

“You know I would’ve understood if you had just told me, Kaz. But you didn’t tell me and I laid in my bed in a foreign country wondering what I had done wrong because you didn’t take ten minutes out of your day to just come by and tell me.”

“I know. I’m sorry.” Kaz said.

“I do want to forgive you, Kaz. And I probably already have. But spending so long trying to get over you really messed me up. I am a lot happier now. I’m not saying we can’t try again but we can’t try again right now. I need to know you won’t do that to me again.

“I promised...” he muttered. “That I would give you a future full of love and happiness. And I intend to keep that promise if you’ll let me.”

Y/N hesitated. She had dreamed of this moment everyday. She knew before that Kaz hadn’t cheated. It was just that her heart yearned for him everyday to the point where it began to hurt. That hurt had only begun to heal. Being with Kaz, she knew, would make her heart heal faster. She wanted that future with him. He was the only person she wanted in her future.

Kaz doesn’t break promises.

“Okay,” she whispered.

The two arrived in Ketterdam a few weeks later. It was nice to be back in the grey city. They talked a lot on the boat and Y/N was slowly becoming herself again. Their bond wasn’t something that would ever disappear, no matter how long they spent apart or whether her heart had stayed broken forever. Anyone could see the connection between the two.

She always felt lucky to know Kaz was hers. Of all the people in the world, the fates chose them to be together. She would cherish it for eternity.

“Come on, Beauty of the Barrel. Let’s get you home.” Kaz smiled.

[djerhlm]

i can't let him go

kaz krekker x fem!reader

this is part two of my last post.

I got a few requests for a part two and that made me so happy! Thank you.

warnings: sad reader, one very brief mention of sex, mentions of cheating.

Y/N had tried to move on. But it seemed impossible. Kaz Brekker was the only person she ever wanted around. And then he was gone.

When she first saw him and Inej together, she thought he might've been asking her for advice about his relationship with Y/N. But he never came around again.

So, Y/N did the only logical thing in this situation. Leave.

She took the next boat out to Novyi Zem to be surrounded by lush fields and farmland. She thought about Jesper–they had only met a few times, but he always made a lasting impression on her. He should be grateful for growing up in a country like this one.

For the first few days in the country, Y/N felt peaceful. She busied herself with activities so she wouldn't have to think about anything that happened in Ketterdam. She went to Shriftport and Weddle, wanting to immerse herself in a different culture. Of course, Ketterdam was filled with people from all over, but experiencing one country on its own was special. She had always thought she and Kaz would've made their way up here one day.

Stop, Y/N. He's in the past.

Months went by and the gap in her heart began to fill the longer she stayed in Novyi Zem. She got a job at a bakery and had a few friends. One of her coworkers, Disha, was the only person who knew of Kaz and their past. She always encouraged Y/N to find love again, but she couldn't bring herself to do it. It felt wrong. Although her and Kaz had never labeled their relationship, it was obvious that they were in love.

And because of this, she wanted to accuse Kaz of cheating. He had never seemed like the type of person to cheat. When a person thinks of cheating, they probably think of having sex with another person or kissing someone else. And those are two things they had never done. Well, they had kissed a few times. But with Kaz's resistance to skin, they never had any intimate moments–no hugs, no hand-holding, rarely any kisses–which is why cheating on her seemed like a stretch. Kaz and Inej probably never did any of those either. Did Inej even like him like that? Now Y/N felt like a bad person for not asking Kaz to explain. No, don't feel guilty.

But, what if...

She had only seen a few seconds of them together, no evidence of their affair. But Kaz had been distant for weeks before that. Y/N was starting to feel guilty. What if Kaz had gone to see her only to find their once shared apartment empty? She took all of her clothes and a few personal items on her trip. Most of her belongings were gone.

She shouldn't feel guilty, Kaz should. Right? He left her with no explanation. She knows he's a complicated person, but he could've taken a few minutes out of his day to say "Hey, Y/N. I don't want to continue this relationship." Then she would've been able to get over him faster. She wouldn't have to think about whether it was her fault for his sudden disinterest. She wouldn't have to doubt her entire life, thinking their whole friendship meant nothing to him. She wouldn't have to dread the thought of returning to Ketterdam–which she knew she would do one day.

People move on. They fall out of love. And that's what Kaz did. So she should fall out of love too.

It wouldn't hurt to try to love another person.

In her and Disha's apartment, Y/N stared at the dark ceiling. She had met a guy who she took a genuine interest in–and it was clear that he was interested in her as well. Disha encouraged her every day to make a move, but she was always hesitant. The only thing she could ever think about was Kaz waiting for her in Ketterdam. They were very slim chances, but who knows? Maybe Kaz had realized he loved her when she left. He had been the one to let her go.

"Y/N, honey, grow up." Disha's voice startled her. "I'm actually so tired of this. Kaz let YOU go. Not the other way around. I know it hurts, but please, for the love of saints, move on."

"I can't, D. You don't understand. It's like he injected my thoughts with him and only him. Like he's in my veins. I've tried to stop loving him, I really have, but every waking moment is filled with Kaz. I just have so many questions," she hesitated, tears welling. "Does he remember what we had? Did he forget about me? What my face looks like? All the memories we had? Saints, I sound pathetic."

"No, you don't. I promise." Disha tried to comfort her, though she knew nothing would help her friend. Every day, she sees the solemn look on Y/N's face. Kaz will get a beating if he ever shows up.

"I know Ronan likes me. I like him too. But I just can't. Every time he offers to take me out, my brain is saying yes but my heart still longs for Kaz. I can only take so much."

And that was true. Y/N was losing every ounce of motivation. Going to work was a chore. Disha had to take up extra shifts just so she could stay home. It seemed that her heart hurt more now than it did when it first happened. It's not like she hadn't tried to move on. That was the whole reason she moved to Novyi Zem in the first place.

Let. Him. Go. For your own sanity.

Y/N allowed herself to go on a date with Ronan. If she didn't like it, then she'd have at least tried. And it would hurt her to reject him. He was so caring, so gentle. He had the sweetest smile. And their first date was everything Y/N wanted. So she continued to see him.

She hated herself. Always comparing everything Ronan did to what Kaz did. Their mannerisms, their form of speech, their actions. Everything. She was wasting her life away thinking about a stupid boy. But that's what girls do, right? Men move on in a day. Maybe a few months. But girls spend their life wondering what went wrong. Wondering if they had given it their all when in reality it wasn't their fault.

She began relying on Disha. At first, her friend was happy to help in any way, but it was beginning to tire her out. She had her own self to take care of, and now she had to take care of Y/N. It saddened her to see her friend slipping under the water. She quit work. She barely went outside, barely ate. And saints, she was so pale. So skinny. Did Y/N not tell her the full story? She felt like she was missing some major detail as to why Y/N felt like this. Disha knew heartbreak was hard to go through, but it's been over a year now, and her friend was only getting worse.

Kaz promised her a life of happiness, but now all she feels is the heaviness that emptiness brings.

Y/N will never be free from Kaz Brekker, will she?

Let me know if you want a part three with a happy ending! Or a sad one... ;) Thank you so much for reading!

[djerhlm]

james potter is cory matthews and sirius black is shawn hunter

[djerhlm]

the one that got away

kaz brekker x fem!reader

Quickly, I want to say that this is my first time writing any form of fanfiction and it might be bad, but I thank you for reading.

Kaz Brekker was a complicated man. But Y/N always understood him.

They had been friends ever since Kaz and Jordie moved to Ketterdam. Kaz felt like a little boy every time he saw her. Y/N was always smiling, even in a city as depressing as Ketterdam. Her parents owned the bakery that Jordie would get pastries from all the time. Y/N usually sat outside trying to come up with stories for every person that passed. One day, Kaz went to the bakery with his brother and was certainly surprised when a girl his age said hello.

A friendship started to blossom. Everyday, Y/N would wait for Kaz to stop by. Some days he didn’t show, and although Y/N’s feelings were somewhat hurt, she went out the next day.

The two were inseparable. Neither of them ever really having friends, they talked for hours everyday as if all the information was stored in their brains for too long. It felt good to share all of her hopes and dreams with someone. Kaz was very attentive–sitting opposite her so he could make eye contact, letting her know he was always listening. They were so involved in one another that Jordie or Y/N’s parents had to drag them away from each other.

There was never a day where the two were apart. Y/N invited Kaz over often, making her mom set up a picnic in their backyard. They were two of a kind. The bond connecting them was so strong that anyone who passed by would get the wind knocked out of them. Two kids sharing the beauty of friendship.

One day, Kaz and Jordie were scammed by Jakob Hertzoon and were left in the streets. Jordie denied Y/N’s help, forcing Kaz to do the same. Then Jordie died and Kaz wasn’t seen for weeks until he showed up at Y/N’s house. He didn’t say anything. But when she went to give him a hug, he flinched.

Kaz was angry at Jakob Hertzoon and was going to make him pay. He joined the Dregs and became a criminal. Y/N’s love for him never faltered. It never would. No matter the circumstance, she would continue to support him.

“I’ll always be here for you, Kaz. Please let me in.” Y/N pleaded.

And so Kaz did. He never trusted anyone the way he trusted her. Whenever he found the time, he would be with her. Giving her gifts, bringing her flowers, writing her letters, etc. Anything to show her the way she made him feel. It took him a long time and too much bravery to explicitly express his feelings. But one day he did. And they were both over the moon.

Y/N was the one person who got him through the death of Jordie. His anchor. He knew that out of all the people in the world, she was the one he wanted by his side.

Although Y/N wasn’t a member of the Dregs, she was Kaz’s sidekick.

As time passed and Kaz’s reputation changed, he never left Y/N’s side. Everyone knew him as dark and mysterious, but to Y/N, he was still the little boy at the bakery. The boy who allowed her to practice love. The boy who promised to get them out of that filthy city and move to a place with endless flowers to be picked and showed off.  

Kaz became the leader of the Dregs and seemed to never have time for Y/N. Days would pass before they finally got the chance to see one another. Kaz sent flowers almost daily, with special notes just for her. And in those moments, Y/N didn’t seem to notice the distance forming between their souls. Every thought was about Kaz, their future, the way he looked at her. Because that’s all that mattered to her. Kaz didn’t seem to know that Y/N would abandon every last responsibility for him. Just to be able to hug him. To see him smile that smile he only had around her. She felt special knowing she was the only one who got to see it.

As their relationship went on, Kaz rarely sent flowers. They saw each other a maximum of once a week. And Kaz would barely say anything, allowing her to speak about everything that happened since the last time. She didn’t notice the spark in his eye leave with each visit. All she wanted was him. So when Kaz never stopped by or sent a letter, she only assumed he was busy because no other idea would be accepted by her.

He was the sole purpose of her existence. And one day he was just gone. Every moment of every second was filled with Kaz since she was nine years old. That’s eight years of nonstop love. So when Y/N walked into the Slat to see her Kaz looking at Inej with the same amount of love he once had for her, she mentally and emotionally broke. Her cheery and energetic aura faltered quicker than anything ever had. She wouldn’t have hesitated for him in any moment, but Kaz clearly would have.

Hopefully, the love Kaz had provided for her was real and that he simply lost the connection. Her world was crashing down around her. Kaz was her person. With no other friends, she had to live through the pain on her own. She spent every moment crying and grieving. She wasn’t weak, she was getting over the death of her own heart. Anyone could see the scars in her eyes. The hurt in her heart.

Kaz’s name was engraved in her veins. Her blood once rushed for him. Anytime she saw him, she looked for any sign of regret or guilt for the way he left, but his eyes were as blank as his soul.

Y/N’s love for him never faltered. It never would.