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[doehoneypoetry]

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I wish someone could teach me how to quiet my mind

I know many have tried but it seems no one really knows how

Or maybe I’m just not very teachable

but I’m so very tired and my eyes are burning wide

I can’t remember the last time I slept and noticed

Everything about me is fraudulent

I give out my kindness as though it’s endless currency because all I want is for someone to return it to me cleaner than I offered it

I’m a narcissist disguised as an empath

I care so deeply for others because I want them to care for me

Nothing I ever do is for anyone but myself and yet I still stand here empty handed with ears that will not stop ringing and a head that won’t stop screaming

I’m not sure what to do anymore

I’m a child of the sea and yet I think I know drowning better than I know how to breathe

I can feel my lungs floating, I can taste salt

Silence surrounds me and yet I’ve never known a quiet day

Maybe this is why I write

To make sense of the screaming

To put it somewhere else

It doesn’t work and I think that’s why I tend to stop

I end up putting all the blame on writers block

[doehoneypoetry]

Storm Chasers

It all comes at once, war skies and hurricane winds

I saw clouds turn black before my eyes, the thunder in us in sync

A natural disaster is imminent, my mother has a tension headache

Let us run, we were once so young and brave

Storm chasers to our core

It’s a thrill we know could kill us, it’s uprooting trees we used to take cover under when the ground burnt our feet

As our neighbours hide from the weather as they have our whole lives

Scorched days or stormy nights, they hide from the pain outside can bring

We’ve never been scared of the damage that nature can inflict, we revel in it

We always felt one step ahead, naïvety in our veins

You always said I had nothing to fear

I was always the scariest thing out here

If this twister sweeps us into its violent arms, I know you’d reach for me to keep you calm

We’ll circle around each other for a while; but collision is inevitable

At the hour of untethered souls we’ll end up sky high or six feet deep

This is when we find out if we’re all roots or wings

[doehoneypoetry]

all eloquence aside,

I am so very fucking lonely

I’m not sure I know how not to be

Like maybe lonely is a direct result of all my defence mechanisms

and I’m not in the business of letting my guard down just to learn how not being lonely feels

So maybe my mother is right and this is all my fault

But there’s something about missing what you never had whilst assuming you never will

and it’s impossible to let go of something you’ve never held to begin with

I’ve noticed I’m always the pit stop on everyone’s way to something great

a respite where you get what you need just before you reach the final stop

I’m where you refuel

The “almost there” girl

The last bend before homestretch

I think, if i could

I’d like to visit little me

I’d like to hold her hand

I’d like to say I’m sorry that she had to grow up so fast

I’d tell her she doesn’t deserve any of it

no matter how convinced she is that she does

I’d tell her to be her own best friend

And to stop waiting for anyone to care

I’d tell her it doesn’t get better

Or at least it hasn’t yet

And I know she’ll cry and maybe so will I

But I think she deserves to know that

And I guess that could be selfish

Ruining her fruitless hope just to save myself some of the hurt

But if future me came to me now I’d like to hear it

And I know I’d cry and maybe so would she

But i think I deserve to know that

I think she’d also tell me I’m too old to be fighting for my spot in anyones life

And it’s funny because I know that already and yet here I am

I’m on my hands and knees, bloodied and gravelled and tired

If anyone saw me I think it might look like prayer to some fabled god

But it’s not

This is raw and heart-wretched begging to anyone listening, anyone who can hear me

This is begging for just a little bit of mercy and maybe a touch of peace

And this feels an awful lot like pulling teeth

I’ve grown into my mosaic role so well that I think people forget I’m still all blood and broken glass

But i guess it’s not so much what you see and more so why you’re looking

[doehoneypoetry]

Nothing about this is fair

I would’ve died for you if you’d asked me to and you struggled to remember my birthday

And yet I still wish you’d been the one

I don’t understand it

How did you do this to me?

my heart is in your hands and you’re not being careful with it,

can’t you see the blood at your feet?

I guess it’s my fault for putting my heart back together and giving it to you

I knew it might not be ready to be held by anyone other than me

No one else knows how to handle it

And I’m not the best at explaining

Or maybe you weren’t really listening

Well if I’m honest I knew you weren’t

So I can’t be surprised that I’m left to pick up the pieces again

I let you ignore me for so long

You were happy then

And maybe so was I

Because at least I had you and your smile reached your eyes and I was selfish enough to tell myself it was because of me

But that was a fragile foundation, built to break

I’ve learnt that givers don’t get tired of giving, but they do get tired

And everything only started going wrong when I needed to be heard

This seems to be a theme in my life

Never enough and I somehow become less when I start asking why

trip wires everywhere but they’re just lines you drew

I don’t think you’ve ever said sorry and meant it

You just wanted to shut me up

I probably should hate you, just can’t seem to get that far

i find it funny that you think I can’t keep secrets

I’ve been hiding all my life

And I don’t think I can forgive you

Because you knew that

And now this whole town speaks of things I kept hidden from everyone but you

Do you even know what you’ve done?

Or do you still think I was the one who did everything wrong?

You used to say all the right things

You still do when you’re high

You called me “home” and it wasn’t even sweet

It was just to let me know it was me that would have to leave

I wasn’t your home, I was a comfort blanket

You needed me so briefly and now I’m in a box in the attic

You took my softness for granted and my love as a burden

If you compare morning words to evening words you will know how it went down

love and promises, oil and water

you be the smoke, I’ll be the mirror

You never put the ”I” before the “love you”

I think when I noticed that the doubt started coming in

But still I ignored it

You didn’t deserve to hurt me

I shouldn’t have let you

I felt you starting to hate us

When it was good I felt like a faded, fond memory of a girl you once knew

When it was bad I swear I could see hate dripping from your fingertips as you yelled at me

It looked like hot black tar

I think the drugs were the only thing that kept me believing it was worth it

I’ve only ever really known love a little hazy anyway