donotfindme-atthistime

[donotfindme-atthistime]

11/29/24

and when i'm down i'll still take that moment to punish myself, crueler, and more unusually.

[donotfindme-atthistime]

11/29/24

i recognize the twists of your muscles underneath that worn and pilled fabric. something so beautifully masculine and dreadfully seductive. and paired with that modest smile and those shielded eyes... you're a torment to my blood.

[donotfindme-atthistime]

Allah has created me weak

I have 24 hours in a day and I'm supposed to spend a chunk of them sleeping.

Says who? I'll put this to the test. I stay up.

What am I using time for? I can't even remember! I can't tell what I've done in the past hour, or twenty four, or thousand.

I've done nothing, it feels. Allah is my witness. Allah is my witness. I hope that however I have spent it is accepted in His way.

This world demands me to write down and record my deliverables to meet. Did the Prophet PBUH have a prophetic Jira board? Do i need to be a master of grids and things to spread His, the Most Just's, word?

I don't know anything at all.

That is not true.

Allah has given the children of Adam - intellect.

It would be foolish denial to sit around in remorse over how I don't know the names of things.

This mission to spread His Justness is cut abruptly every day by the night for me. I'm confused i'm confused i'm confused.

How weak I am. How weak I am that my memory and feelings of progress are reset before the sun rises again.

Forgetfulness is a curse from the devil.

AuthubillahiminaShaytaanirrajim

Ya Allah yerhamu.

the devil reminds me of all I haven't done and tells me I should give up already. he tells me i'm weak and i succumb to my body, and tells me i should then surrender it all to this dunya already.

I have sinned. I will not be arrogant like iblis in saying that it is all the devils delusion to think that i could have ever done wrong, and that i am ever doing wrong. I am wrong. I am wrong in the present. Allah give me the strength. I am wrong in the present because this dunya and its grids and the rigidity and obedience it demands of me to struggle - feels at least superficially eased in indulgence of worldly desires. but i know it is holding me back. ya Allah yerhamu. I just pray you make it halal for me. I am weak. I am in need of whatever good you are sending my way alhamdulillah. If i am to succeed in this dunya and use the full capacity of my intellect and rizq you have granted me,, then my limiting factor is this body and all its needs. its needs of food, water, touch, soothing soothing soothing.

i say embarrassing words. im ashamed of my weakness.

Ya Allah you have created me weak,

And dependent on you, inshaAllah.

but the physical pains and strains of this dunya are too much. Please free me of it.

[donotfindme-atthistime]

Annoyed I can’t apply to jobs, read my books, design this damn website (which is getting fun), diy hair clips, hang out with friends, catch up on my podcasts, pray and study Quran and Hadith - all in one day ?

I’m so easily overwhelmed more and more these days what is the cure?

I am tense.

Don’t tell me methylphenidate is the cure (I know it is).

[donotfindme-atthistime]

End of November

[donotfindme-atthistime]

8/18/24

Can I invite you over so you can watch me play Zelda,

But don’t make it weird. Don’t give me any sort of look that makes me want to evict you. We’re friends. Don’t touch me.

Don’t talk to me either. Don’t slow your voice. Don’t make it a sport for me to have to tame you away from your lust. I will not take your lust.

And now a huge long-standing gust of wind breaks the silence. And sootie and I flinch.

And maybe I’ll cook for you but only because I feel like cooking. And maybe I’ll let you sit next to me but only because I’m feeling indifferent. And maybe I’ll let you witness these tears but only because I was scheduled to do so.

Otherwise it is surrender. Otherwise it is laying down the arms. My arms crossed behind my back and my cheek pressed into the gravel. Otherwise it is giving up. Otherwise what’s supposed to follow is beautiful, but the moment that I’m so keen on identifying the signs to, and anticipating, is so terrifying and paralyzing and I refuse I refuse to surrender to it.

Except for one who will never surrender to mine. And any other who will never catch me off guard.

Tell me, where were you when the wind gust strong around 4:45pm pacific on the 18th of August? Did it visit my window or yours first?

[donotfindme-atthistime]

I read my writing n hear my speeches n VOMIT!!!!!!

[donotfindme-atthistime]

9/24/24

[donotfindme-atthistime]

9/24/24

There's something cold in my left hand, so my mind starts to race.

I'm skipping between aisles, floors, alleyways, and cracked sidewalks.

I'm giving firm handshakes and I'm holding eye contact. Maybe I could be something else.

In every deep ravine of my flesh are trembling, agitated marbled grids

Flexing, threatening to give way any second

My voice absurd. Like a child playing ring around 'rosie's. Musical chairs. Hide and seek.

Weaving around and behind the disfigured bodies found splayed across the windshields of proud ambulances.

I hold her on a tight leash. Don't embarrass me - I hiss through gritted teeth. One wrong move and she'll lose my humanity. Just one misstep and I can succumb to jahiliyya.

Everything we hate about the world finds smug refuge in the silence we hold between us.

Lines and lines of humanitarian aid, forming a city of metal containers, bagged flour, decaying penicillin, patient menstrual cups and weeping formula.

The love I shyly push back into the corner of my empty fridge.

Why don't they just storm in to Rafah? - you cry.

After all,

What are borders to brothers of the same blood?

What is flesh to bodies of the same soul?

[donotfindme-atthistime]

9/14/24

Ya Ayse,

Had you given your blood to Him already when we spoke?

Was there a light you carried that I was too blind to latch on to?

This grief feels different.

I don't think I snapped at any point (yet).

Only feeling so clearly, and standing more firmly, in my resolve.

There's no time to waste after all?

we begin grieving period Bb-_LlAaVvAa

[donotfindme-atthistime]

9/5/24

I listen to Bell Hooks with heaping amounts of salt. She’s a wise auntie, and her learnings are based in a generational science only measured in prose and poetry. These are real learnings.

I season it to match the other mineral pillars that make up the more politically correct institutions. And to break down the impressive generalizations.

-

Friends’ vulnerability inspires. When I feel their tears across the screen I am reminded of our shared humanity. Still it is digitized. It will do for now. My training wheels.

Their sensitivity, though distant, empowers me in my art. I understand why we do what we do. Risk. Love is risk. But it should change how we define “risk.”

-

I was raised to believe that entertaining others and being entertained is love. And it must be an aspect. But I notice how it rings hollow. My eyes cast down and I trail off in the middle of my narration. It doesn’t feel important how I finish the sentence anymore. The crowd continues walking.

But you listen. Urging. “Go on?” Offended I even stopped.

This is care.

Care is an aspect of love, like entertainment.

You wouldn’t describe it ringing hollow. You wouldn’t describe it as the Love either.

This is security. This is an aspect of a love you have for yourself, and is treasured by others.

-

My molars feel sharp, and the gums around them tighter, again.

[donotfindme-atthistime]

I would be absolutely exuberated to join the family on a voyage to four seasons Orlando

[donotfindme-atthistime]

9/2/24

Can we be very careful with each other?

Do not attempt to wring me, I swear I know how to give.

Do not push and twist me forcefully when I am already malleable.

Do not tear out the pages of my open book.

I seek to give. And breathe next to. And to learn to accept.

Knocking knees. Grass stained blouse. Lungs bankrupted by laughter. My teeth letting go. Something as sweet as sleep, but needing to be awake for it. Our resilient orbs to absorb each other’s pain. A strength known to all, when we stand shoulder to shoulder.

Children running through the square. Through the garden doors, swipe away the vines. We colonize the home for sale. Its dusty tile cools our sweat. Dare we summon a jinn. Screaming we sprint out of the room, leaving the tap on. Throwing flowers back through the door as a thanks.

This is the color you paint my soul.

Stay.

-

I hate that wattpad has translated orbs=eyes, while im literally imagining coolmathgames style floating 3d spherical void

[donotfindme-atthistime]

8/20/24

After some millennia a glacier has fallen within, yet far away. Now diseases are running free, and the strain Arrogance var. Selfish is brimming my nostrils.

I'll retreat for the sake of humanity I think. This will be tactical I say doubtfully. Now in free hours I do things like wash dishes, sort out fabrics from boxes, email prospective bosses, and cook to "enrich" my soul.

And most of all I Forget.

I started the return and was greeted by what I feared. A dissonance. A nonunderstanding. The tide I used to throw myself at, and mount, over and over again, is now too much for my stagnant nostrils.

Praise has ruined me; I am not a hero nor a martyr. Do not ever tell me to rest, again.

-

But I will return, because I must, because I am alive, because along with the released diseases are its revolutionary antidotes! The flora.

[donotfindme-atthistime]

[donotfindme-atthistime]

Two truths

Your eyes

I know what I will -

I know what I would

Do different next time

[donotfindme-atthistime]

LMFAO oh emaan. Never change.

Asian selfie day? Right? (I hope I’m not screwing up the blackout because it was so beautiful)

EDIT: SHIT I didn’t know that the actual “Asian invasion” is in May 8 so I’m just gonna untag these and slowly walk away lmao don’t mind me