dopesmokingliberal - Tumblr blog

[dopesmokingliberal]

!!!!

2 years ago i had bronchitis really bad for literally THREE MONTHS STRAIGHT. several different rounds of antibiotics and steroids did not help. around the 2.5 month mark i started to get excruciating pain in my side. i figured it was just sore muscles from coughing violently for so long.

fast forward about a week or so and i still have the pain, and during a coughing fit felt a pain so sharp in my side i was in tears and couldn’t move. i sat and breathed deep for a minute to collect myself, drove myself to the emergency room, walked in and told them i needed to be seen.

the nurses response was “if you’ve had bronchitis for this long, your lungs are obviously going to be a little sore” after i calmly explained my pain was at a near 9.5-10 and i was not even offered a tylenol at this point.

the doctor on call ordered x-rays and a couple hours later the nurse came in with a completely different attitude, offering me assistance and pain medication.

turns out during my coughing fit that night i had BROKEN A RIB. and the excruciating pain id been dealing with for the 1-2 weeks prior? another rib that i had apparently broken and was already starting to fuse back together at this point.

im so sick of tiktok nurses and doctors trying to mock their patients for coming in and saying their pain is at a ten but not performing the pain for them

every time ive been in the hospital near death i was simply too exhausted to perform pain for these people. it was a ten on the pain scale but they thought i was faking it for whatever reason until they got my lab tests back and realized i would need to be checked in for quite a while

like maybe you, able bodied young doctor/nurse who has never experienced chronic pain and disability cannot fathom me rolling up near death and a flat expression unable to scream and holler about my agonies but I assure you some of us are just too fucking tired to scream about something we generally live with every single day

on god wanna punch the smug off their faces.

[dopesmokingliberal]

[dopesmokingliberal]

my common sense: so what are you gonna do when you reach your ugw?

me: i'll just eat normally and be normal :)

my ed:

[dopesmokingliberal]

[dopesmokingliberal]

so i saw my therapist today and was officially given a diagnosis of an0rexia nervosa. i always knew i had an ED (clearly) but having it clinically confirmed made it seem a lot more real and kind of scary. i’m 8lbs away from being clinically underweight and she said if my bmi continues to drop they can (and will) involuntarily commit me. i’m absolutely terrified of this. i need to get better because i cannot do an impatient program. but i also don’t want to get better because i’m so close to my goal. she gave me a huge pamphlet with info about an0rexia and we did set some goals as the beginning of my recovery plan

i am just. very scared. this all started years ago because i needed control over something and what am i more in control of than what i do/don’t eat? jokes on me though because this illness has more control over me than i’ve ever had over it

[dopesmokingliberal]

everyday i step on my silly little scale, lose my silly little weight and continue my silly little life

[dopesmokingliberal]

i literally refuse to weigh myself before peeing as if that’s gonna do anything💀

when you pee but you don’t immediately lose a pound😐

[dopesmokingliberal]

i can always tell when it’s getting bad again because i’m back on this godforsaken app lmaooo

[dopesmokingliberal]

OMFG YES THIS IS THE WORST I HAD A PANIC ATTACK EARLIER TODAY OVER HALF A BURGER AND HALF AN ORDER OF FRIES LIKE WTF

today is also the first day in three days i’ve eaten over 500 calories (1,160 so like.... a normal/RECOMMENDED amount) and my brain is just over here like “ohhhh fatty wants ENERGY?!! tubby wants to eat a HEALTHY AMOUNT!!!?? that’s not very anorexic of you chubs” like what in the actual fuck?? i really need to talk to my therapist about my ed but i am ✨scared✨

me: eats like a normal person for a day

also me: is this... binging?

[dopesmokingliberal]

literally anyone: hey you look like you’ve been losing a lot of weight... have you been eating?

me: well that’s a bit fucking personal don’t you think

[dopesmokingliberal]

Still trying to come to terms with the fact I’ll never be a librarian who can speak a dead language and be recruited by a ruggish but handsome explorer for a quest to lift the curse and save the world

[dopesmokingliberal]

love all of this except for Yue simply because ATLA did an AMAZING job of showing indigenous/asian/monk culture and literally the ONLY reason Yue had blond hair/blue eyes was because her life source came from Tui who was the white moon fish that gave the water benders their power. she was the only water bender with blond hair/blue eyes and it was just to show her connection to Tui/some kind of albinism almost

Important ideas to consider when creating characters who are black and indigenous people of color. (x)

[dopesmokingliberal]

*rant*

idk if it’s just me but like i fucking HATE meanspo?like why on earth would you post something that you know is going to trigger someone to hurt themselves even more? i’ve struggled with my ED for six years now, and i’m to the point where it’s ruined my life and makes my relationships a lot harder. it’s taken over me and i know i technically need help and part of me would love to not have this disease breathing down my neck every time i even smell food, but the sick part of me also refuses to get the help i genuinely need for myself and for my family because i want to be thin so fucking bad.

never in my life would i wish this illness on anybody else and if i could help one person from feeling what i feel then it’d be worth it. it’s one thing to share how you feel living with your ED, or posting/sharing stupid fucking memes because let’s be real we all use humor as a coping mechanism, but to post things to PURPOSELY trigger other people (potentially minors?) into starving and hurting themselves, makes you an absolute twisted fuck and no i’m not sorry.

and don’t fucking say it’s for yourself only otherwise you would keep your account private/hide your account. idk like i said, maybe it’s just me, please correct me if i’m wrong, but it just absolutely makes me so angry to see.

[dopesmokingliberal]

[dopesmokingliberal]

okay so, background info:

i was 123lbs this time last year and then i got pregnant

i had my son on november 10th and when i just weighed myself and i’m 124.4lbs (my gw was 123 to get back to where i was before i had him, my ugw being like 115ish because that’s what i was shooting for before i got pregnant)

i’m literally only 1.4lbs away from gw so TELL ME WHY i’m not happy. i literally want to cry because i genuinely feel like i look just as fat as the day i had him but i’ve technically lost 29lbs in three months

i just feel very defeated tbh

[dopesmokingliberal]

here’s some ed realities that ed tumblr doesn’t like to glorify

for anyone who is scrolling through these tags wondering if you should develop one because of how glamorous it seems, the bruised knees and pale skin and dainty doll like aesthetic that tumblr likes to portray eds as, here’s some actual realities that aren’t as pretty

(keep in mind this just applies to restrictive eds)

-you have to cut out about an hour every three to seven days for pooping time. you don’t poop a lot and may feel like a rock is in your gut. and once you do poop, you feel like you’re being ripped in half. i would run baths before i went so i could go in after because i knew it would hurt so bad.

-i don’t care how much mints you invest in, everyone can still smell it. your breath smells so bad to the point that you notice. and even if you brush or chew gum, everyone still smells it as your body is literally eating itself. very aesthetic

-yes, other people hear when your stomach growls. and it’s loud. and awkward. and constant. people notice and look at you. a lot.

-you enjoy hanging out on the weekends? maybe partying (covid friendly parties of course)? you want to stay up an extra few hours to study? you play a sport or have any activities you like? sorry, you’ll have to say goodbye to that. because all you have the energy for is to perform daily tasks and sleep. that’s it. and life becomes just sleeping and trying to complete necessary activities. you have nothing to look forward to.

-don’t even get me started on the headaches. sometimes it’s just a bit of lightheadedness, but other days it’s pounding. and you know it’s because you haven’t ate. and you just sit there with this pounding headache but too scared to eat. and you usually just sleep it off.

-you get nightmares about eating and gaining weight. i’m in recovery (obviously by the username) and i literally had a nightmare a few days ago about gaining weight. it becomes first priority in your mind. you sort out your needs to accommodate your ed before anything else.

-you develop strange habits. eds are a type of anxiety/OCD disorder because if it’s regimines and the panic that sets in if you don’t perform them. you will develop really weird habits and people will notice. it makes things awkward and people get annoyed by it

-you like getting dressed up? sorry, not anymore. not only do you not have much energy to put effort into appearance, but it’s also a fucking nightmare to get ready. the way you see yourself becomes so distorted. you can only wear clothes that have certain qualities. you can’t wear what you want. you get hot in all of the baggy clothes. people look at you weird when you order clothes that’s too big. you cry in dressing rooms and become terrified of trying clothes on. you get to some points where just existing in your body feels uncomfortable and you want to rip your fucking skin off

-eds stem from a need for control. and you don’t realize until it’s too late that you don’t control your ed, but it controls you. and it’s a fucking nightmare. i promised myself i was gonna have an ed the summer between seventh and eighth grade to lose some weight and then i’d stop at the start of eighth grade. and i’m guessing you realize by the way i’m writing this post that that didn’t go as planned.

-you memorize the calories of everything. even if you don’t want to. it’s been something i’m struggling with now because i want to eat food without worrying about calories, but it’s hard because i have them memorized. it’s like second nature. and you don’t get rid of it. it becomes a habit

-it’s something you won’t ever get rid of. ever. no matter how much you recover, there will always be even the tiniest of voices in the back of your mind that is your ed. once you start, there is no stopping. never.

it’s not glamorous.

it’s so fucking painful physically and mentally.

i miss being indifferent about my body. i miss wearing what i like. i miss eating and not caring about the calories. i miss being able to get dressed quickly. i miss taking a photo or two and being okay with it. i miss liking myself. and i’ll never get back that.

i’m just hoping if you are 13 year old me who went on ed accounts where it seemed so glamorous and like a quick diet, it isn’t. it’s fucking painful and life destroying. and it ends in either recovering or death. there’s no two ways about it.

talk to someone. find an outlet. do anything but develop an ed. it will always be my one regret. and i can never fix it.

it’s not pretty. it’s not fun. it’s not a quick fix.

it’s gross and dirty and uncomfortable and painful.

[dopesmokingliberal]