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Our sessions sometimes result in memes

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(it's not)

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When the bard rolls a Nat 20 +11 on persuasion with an impossible DC, the NPC/DM be like

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The Sweet Spot

DM: Okay, you guys have finished traveling for the evening, who would like to search for a camp site?

Riverain: I will.

Eman: Me as well.

DM: Okay, both of you make investigation checks.

Riverain: Okay, that's a...... 4?

Rest of party: *laughter*

Eman: I got a.... Seventeen!!!

DM: Okay, so, Riverain. You, being a water genasi, heard the sound of a small stream to your right. You imagine it will be good to camp near some nice, fresh water. While you're searching for that, Eman, you pass through a couple of trees and just... You find the nicest, the most, like... Just a CLUTCH camping site. Perfect size, great cover, beautiful grass to bed down on, and a good amount of firewood. You guys have the fire roaring and dinner cooking as Riverain returns, about.... 45 minutes later, sweaty, a few sticks in their hair, but with a full water canteen.

Riverain: "Guys you'll never believe what I found, there's the perfect cam--... Oh. Nevermind."

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Detect what now?

Eiliant: I'm going to cast 'detect thoughts'

Riverain: "Detect Thoughts?!"

Eiliant: "Yeah, it's a spell where you-"

Riverain: "Hold up lemme just detect thots real quick - WHERE ALL MY THOTTIES AT??"

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When The Joke ™ becomes reality

Y'all know that Game Daddy post that floats around these D&D blogs? I sent it to my party. They decided to continue the joke and rename me "Game Daddy" in the group chat, jokingly referring to my chair at the table as Game Daddy's chair, etc.

I unveiled the miniatures i painted for the party members last night, and one of them accidentally sent a snapchat to EVERY ONE of his friends, announcing my title. The joke has become reality. It's official. People other than our party know that I am... The Game Daddy ™

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Some Loot

DM: *describes loot*

Brick: "I want that jeweled box to put my jade frog into."

Thoradin: "It's not big enough for your frog"

Brick: "The frog isn't like 40 pounds ,I'm sure it can fit!"

Thoradin: "No, it's like... Imagine like a little engagement ring box, but with jewels-"

DM (staring pointedly at her Boyfriend of 13 years) : *puts chin on clasped hands* "Yeah, *imagine that* would you? Can you just *picture* something like that? Wow."

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On The Weights of Various Heads

So Brick, our beautiful lady dragonborn warlock played by my little brother, has the habit of collecting severed heads. It got to the point in our last session where we legitimately stopped and had to tally her inventory to see if she was physically capable of carrying all the heads she wanted to.

DM: So you're overburdened and you need to get rid of about 25 pounds, which if you dumped the wolf head and the Redbra-

Brick: "Liam's head? I'm not getting rid of that. No way."

Thoradin (Dwarf Barbarian): "I'll carry your rations. That should free up 30 pounds."

Brick: "Okay deal!"

Thoradin, aside to other party members: "If she starts to misbehave, I won't feed her. She'll have to do at least some of the things we want her to in order to eat."

~some time later~

Brick: DM, how much did you say that Ogre head weighed?

DM: 50 pounds.

Brick: nah man I'm calling bullshit, I think that's way too heavy. Alright I'm gonna Google it-

Our Monk player: What are you gonna Google? `how much do ogre heads weigh?'

Brick: (aloud as he types) "Weight... Of... Human... Severed... Head..."

DM: Okay, STOP you're on my internet right now, my IP address, and if you Google that and the NSA shows up here, I've got to-

Brick: My Google searches before this were all dungeons and dragons stuff, you'll be fine.

DM: I don't think that they're going to-

Brick: huh. Okay. Well a severed human head weighs between 8 to 10 pounds. Without the hair.

(the other party members, simultaneously) : "WITHOUT the hair!“

If you don't see me post things for a while, I'm explaining my search history to someone. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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Brick in a sentence..

Brick: "I wanna roll to see if she'll sleep with me, I've got a plus '69' to seduction."

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I Sense A Pattern...

Same party that kidnapped the goblin, who they christened ‘Crispy’, even though the DM was giving lots of hints that it wasn’t necessary to kidnap the goblin, well they caught a Redbrand this time. The party interrogates the NPC and then has a discussion about what to do with him now that they have the information. Eman: “Well, we got what we needed, let’s kill him.” Brick: “Yeah, let’s do this.”

Eiliant and Larkin: “NO!!!”

Larkin: “Let’s make him take us to the hideout.”

Klof: “I don’t think we need to, and I don’t know if we want him to announce our presence or sell us out at the first chance he gets.” Brick: “Are we just gonna steal every person we don’t kill and make them just tag along-” Eman: “The Gang Kidnaps Another NPC!” DM: The Gang Kidnaps LITERALLY EVERYONE THEY CAN AND ITS COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY

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In the Redbrand’s Hideout

Our rogue has been stealthing in and out of every room, essentially, and responding to questions about what he’s doing in the room with “Oh I got turned around, I’m the new guy”. DM has been continually making him roll persuasion checks and he keeps rolling VERY high. Finally, the Rogue and Paladin are in the crypt room and fighting skeletons; two men from the room next door burst into the room and say, DM (Guards): “What the hell is going on in here?” Rogue: *gives a little wave, ducks under a swinging sword by reanimated skeleton* “New Recruit!” DM: Roll a persuasion... Rogue: 17 plus 5! 22! DM (grumbling): He goes, “Well what are you doing in- oh-nevermind - “ and gets the skeletons to stop fighting them, as well as supplying them with some red cloaks. Alexa (our Genasi, OOC): “This episode should just be called ‘New Recruit’!”

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4 players walk into a tavern...

Dwarf Barbarian: “hello! My name's Thoradin, I see you are a dwarf as well. Where are you from?"

Dwarf bar owner (DM) : "What do you want?"

Dragonborn warlock: I throw the decapitated head on the counter and say "What do you think about that?"

Aasimar Cleric: At the same time I use thaumaturgy to whisper "We're 'The Dirty Boys'. " in her ear.

DM (and dwarf barkeep) : ".... What the fuck."

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DM: So Ryan's character is Dragonborn, um, but unlike Peter's character, doesn't have a tail. Dragonborn also don't have wings, but they can-

Chris: Oh, so, the cool things about being a dragon? He doesn't get any of those?

DM: Well dragonborn do have-

Peter: "ON ALL LEVELS EXCEPT PHYSICAL, I AM A DRAGON!"

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Our party at the moment. Left to right: Eiliant, Klof, Brick, Larkin (half-orc, tall boy), Riverain, Darling, Eman.

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The party has captured one of the goblins from the ambush on the Triboar Trail, and is questioning him. He is the goblin they set fire to, and they keep referring to him as Crispy.

Eman: Okay, so, where is your hideout?

Crispy (DM) : Oh its just down that trail-

Brick: Can I kill him now? We got all the info-

(everyone) : NO

Klof: "We're taking him with us"

Crispy: "no please, they'll kill me, just like, let me go!"

Eman: "no chance in us doing that."

Larkin: I just wanna lift him up and carry him over my shoulder.

DM: roll an athletics.

Larkin: that's... Not good.

DM: okay yeah so you try to lift him and it's hard to grab him just because he's struggling to get free but also he's just, like, covered in burns? So every time you grab him he just *does pitiful, loud scream*

Klof: I wanna tie him to my pike.

DM: you guys know you don't really *need* to bring him, like this isn't a trick I've set up-

Brick: Oh we're bringing him.

DM: Okay, uh, alright. ((Klof rolls and succeeds in getting goblin on pike)) So you have this goblin like, sobbing, tied to your pike?

Klof: yep. He's out front so he triggers any traps.

Brick: I feel like, this whole thing is a lot like an It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia episode.

DM: