dragonfireflydreamer

[dragonfireflydreamer]

Missed friends.

Sometimes I feel so alone when friends I reach out to turn away from me.

The friends that are gone can no longer answer. Thier words and Thier presence is gone. All that is left is the memories we made together.

I fear losing those not gone. The shadow they cast in the sun to fade and disappear.

Why can I not accept that loss without pain.

Those who know me better than I know myself hold inside them a piece of me and without them I feel incomplete.

I am complete but I cannot remember who I am without those whose hand I've held, whose tears I've shared and whose love I've know.

I feel as though I'm falling apart but what do I do with this shed skin.

I cannot hoard it and I must let it go and know that a piece of me is transformed. Still there but change. Still gone but internalised and treasured.

I miss my friends because they remind me how far I've come and who I was before.

I'm writing now to release some of this ache from change. Challenges can cause us to flourish but only if we allow it and stop dwelling on what could have been.

[dragonfireflydreamer]

Missed friends.

Sometimes I feel so alone when friends I reach out to turn away from me.

The friends that are gone can no longer answer. Thier words and Thier presence is gone. All that is left is the memories we made together.

I fear losing those not gone. The shadow they cast in the sun to fade and disappear.

Why can I not accept that loss without pain.

Those who know me better than I know myself hold inside them a piece of me and without them I feel incomplete.

I am complete but I cannot remember who I am without those whose hand I've held, whose tears I've shared and whose love I've know.

I feel as though I'm falling apart but what do I do with this shed skin.

I cannot hoard it and I must let it go and know that a piece of me is transformed. Still there but change. Still gone but internalised and treasured.

I miss my friends because they remind me how far I've come and who I was before.

I'm writing now to release some of this ache from change. Challenges can cause us to flourish but only if we allow it and stop dwelling on what could have been.

[dragonfireflydreamer]

Broken like a gingerbread man

I just have to let this out, I hate myself and I really want to be punished for being who I am. I wish I didn't feel like this, so frustrated and confused and not knowing what's going on. My GF was happy to have gotten a treat from me in her packed lunch but I'm worried that being told it was a gift from a friend of mine who she doesn't like will upset her and piss her off. I meant to tell her in person this morning and forgot so now I've had to tell her in a message while she was at work. It makes me feel crazy again, I just smashed my head against the wall and heard something crack, I've cried and broken down. I don't want this to be a bad day. I just wanted it to feel normal. I don't want to feel upset but I can't help it, I have noone, no support, no friends and no care for myself. I just want to self harm and make this pain in my stupid head go away. I don't understand why I have to feel like this I don't understand why I feel guilty and wrong over a stupid fucking gingerbread man. I wasn't trying to trick her, I wasn't trying to get her hopes up with a treat and take it away, I just thought it would be a nice snack for lunch regardless of where it came from. It's not fucking fair that I'm the one who feels like he needs to be punished, beaten and bruised for passing a gift on. I know I should have said and maybe then I wouldn't feel this way. Maybe I shouldn't have accepted it but it was just a fucking cookie. Please give me the strength to keep myself safe, please give me the strength to not hurt myself again, please just let things be alright again. I love my girlfriend and I don't want to hurt her through my forgetfulness. Sometimes I still wish I would die, I still want to hurt myself and I know it's not right and I can't. I have a responsibility to safeguard myself for my love and my family but it's so hard when the littlest thing makes me feel this way. Fingers crossed for the day getting better but I don't have high hopes.

[dragonfireflydreamer]

T.W. Intense emotional biz, self harm, self hate etc...

Aaaaaargh, I wanna fucking scream, bark, fight, feel external pain, I can't deal with my own bullshit, my brother is dead, I quit my job, I'm fantasizing about self harm again, I have let myself fall apart and I don't know how to make myself real again, photos don't look like me, I feel pathetic, winging like some kind of child, I feel like I want to beat on myself but I know if I do I'll have to tell somebody but the drive is there, I want people to think I'm okay but I AM NOT FUCKING OKAY, I am stressed the fuck out, I don't want to exist like this, none of my self care helps, I want to bang my head against the tile wall in the bathroom until blood fills the shower, I want to fight, I want to let out some of this pain but I don't want to force it on anyone good, I wish I could find someone evil and break them but I feel like I'm the worst person there is, a bad friend, a useless son and a disappointing lover, there is no caveat to this state, I'm a fucking twisted disgusting demon shaped like a human and forced to live amougst them, what kind of future can I have when I don't feel I deserve any, the only thing stopping me from self harm is how other people will react, I don't care about me anymore, what's the point, I don't have the capacity to treat someone I deem as unworthy with anything less than contempt, I wish I could peel back the layers of my psyche until I found something of value but I know there's nothing there, why anyone would want anything to do with me I don't know, it enrages me how anyone could love this messy husk of a sentient being, I find it so hard to accept when I know the truth about myself, everyone who likes me is clearly to niieve to see the rotting mess before them, or they see it but choose to lie to placate me, because that's all I am, a sham, a fake, I'm not really me, if anyone saw it they would run a mile but I'm so good at hiding it they never do, I manipulate people with my sadness by forcing them to console me or make them feel like they should help, if only I could keep it inside but it's so much harder without the layer of denial hiding my true feelings and intentions, can't give up, it would upset other people and that's not fair on them, it's not their fault they care, it's because I'm so fucking pitiful they can't help it, can't be dead, can't cut, can't drug, can't ligature but fucking hell, I don't know any other way to cope...

I know I'm not alone in these feelings and most of them aren't even real they're just all in my head but I had to say it out loud, holding this pain inside feels like it is stretching me to breaking point...

Also thank you, if you read all of that I mean, it's today's stream of consciousness and it's not helpful, but thank you, I hope you have a better day than this... X

[dragonfireflydreamer]

[dragonfireflydreamer]

My brother who died

He was a good person who had a hard time. He wore a smile like a badge of honour. He played guitar everyday and chased away people's fears with the joy of his song. He was a philosophical man with the depth of thought and variety of an interstellar traveller. He never judged people by their mistakes and always saw the best in people that deserved it. He was a partner in crime, a strong willed man, an addict, a lover, a friend, a madman, a genius, a son and a brother. He was all these things and more and he never restricted me, never told me so settle down or stop causing a scene. He knew how I felt like few others in this universe do and to lose him is a devastating blow. To know he will never be there to see my wedding, my children grow up or to share any new memories fills me with the greatest sadness I have ever felt. I cannot see my own future because he was always in it standing shoulder to shoulder ready to jam through it together. I do not know who I am without the memories of me that he held. I feel disconnected and set adrift like my anchor, someone I could be truly honest with, has been dropped of the side without a rope. I still don't feel like it's real. The funeral didn't make it any more real. It made me miss him more because he wasn't there. I don't know how to make this better. I wish I could fix it or understand it so that it didn't hurt so incredibly much. I can't let this destroy or destract me. I need to finish my degree, get my mental health in check and have that family because I know he always supported me and would want what's best for me. I haven't been self destructive. I haven't self harmed. None of that would help. The feeling would still be there when I came back and stronger because i would have been numb to it. I have to feel this, fuck it I want to. I don't want the loss of my brother to cause me to twist in on myself. The only way anything good comes out of this is if it inspires and motivates me to flourish. To be the best me I can. To be kind, loving and honest. To spread the love of music and dancing. To look at fear in the face with teeth bared. To treat every moment with consideration and care because of their precious singular nature. Hold the light and shine for others too. Love life because in the end no one ever feels like they got enough of it unless they squeezed every drop out of the rollercoaster. Much love Joe XxX

[dragonfireflydreamer]

Be more Joe

Be more Joe

Bring the light with you wherever you go,

Spread the love of music,

Share the love of life,

Never grow up,

Always mind your ankle bangles,

Love like there's no tomorrow,

Live life as a great adventure,

Be part child, part adult,

Get there for him and you,

Fall in love like you've got fireworks in your soul,

Hold kind space for friends,

Life is extradimensional,

Hold everyone as close as you can,

If you've got to push it's too much effort,

Laugh from your belly often,

Hold the light,

Be more Joe

XxXxXxX

[dragonfireflydreamer]

[dragonfireflydreamer]

Next time you think about talking about a life you know nothing about with nothing but venom...

[dragonfireflydreamer]

Oh my glob, at little Mev's school awards. The din is unbelievable, the anxiety is through the roof and the more parents that come into the room the hotter it gets, aaaaaargh school functions are just as bad as an adult

[dragonfireflydreamer]

Did I do the right thing. I was too honest I could've but no it's better this way. I may regret it tomorrow but it was the safest way. I love my friend and I want it to stay that way so nothing can ever happen. I'm such a fuck up damn it! 😒😥😨

oh no….

[dragonfireflydreamer]

’’ Being alone is better than being with the wrong person. ’’

[dragonfireflydreamer]

Did anyone else cry over the last episode of adventure time?

[dragonfireflydreamer]

How to tell it’s getting bad again

Physical pains (sore jaw, old injuries acting up)

tired tired tired tired

Can’t think/can’t stop thinking

Sleeping too much/not enough

Early waking

Can’t make eye contact

Picking or scratching at skin, nails, hair, etc

Forgetful

Sex repulsed or sex obsessed

Lonely in crowds

Unjustified assumptions (my friends all hate me)

Too much/too little food

Everything tastes bland?

Headcolds/the flu out of nowhere

Distancing yourself

Spending too much time in bed

Not showering/brushing teeth/brushing hair/taking care of your body

Not able to do laundry

Not turning in assignments

Forgetting about assignments

Zoning out

Defensive

Overly emotional/painfully numb

[dragonfireflydreamer]

friends, lemme share this little gem with you

FIRST! The inner flap:

oh dear indeed… 

some people crayons are jerks.

:’(

:D

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :’’’’) :’’’’’’’’)))))))))))

i just have a lot of feelings about this book and think everyone should own it

[dragonfireflydreamer]

Why is this so hard...

Feeling such misery today for so many reasons that are meaningless I don't even know where to begin. All I want is for someone to give me a hug and tell me everything will be okay because I don't believe it when I say it and I miss human contact. It's been so long since I've even held anyone's hand I'm starting to feel like I'm not real anymore. I'm too afraid to reach out because I don't want to make anyone else feel bad or be rejected or simply feel utterly pathetic. I can get through it on my own. I just have to endure it like last time and then next time and the time after that. I hope I don't lose the me that wants that affection and break whoever the fuck it was inside me that wants to feel love again. I don't know how much more I can take but I'm gonna keep trying to do this on my own. At least that way I dont fuck anyone else up...

[dragonfireflydreamer]

Whoops😂😂😂

Havin' a manic dany and just got told by the staff after 5 minutes to stop swearing so much...