drakonwriter

[drakonwriter]

This is canon and you cannot convince me otherwise. According to @that-one-girl-behind-you Loki buys 10 bags of black nail polish.

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how very interesting

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I’m still not over CA: CW. Any time I see it displayed somewhere, my immediate reaction is to say “Fuck you, Captain America.”

But I’m okay with everything else still. I even still enjoy Cap if I don’t think about the movie.

There is something wrong with me.

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No Freddie you don’t actually wanna follow me.

I’m not really here, I’m just ranting and noticed your new blog and it’s a crime for me to not be following your blogs even for the few seconds I poke up from my hiding place.

[drakonwriter]

People who try to say Team Iron Man tried to kill Sam before Rhodey got shot from the sky.

No. That is not what happened. Rhodey speficially told Vision “Turn him into a glider” and you wanna know why? Because Sam has fucking wings and would have been safe without his power pack to glide down. And if he somehow wasn’t? Tony was right behind him, expecting his power to be taken out, and if Sam had wing trouble he isn’t so fucking heavy or restricted by his suit that he’d be falling faster than a prepared Tony could save him. Not to mention Sam’s pack has a fucking parachute built into it, which he could have used depending on where he was hit.

And yeah, Tony shot Sam when he tried to help and he wasn’t really to blame but wait a second, let’s take a closer look at this. At why Tony might not be wanting to give a single fuck about hearing Sam’s sorries right after his best friend fell from the fucking sky like deadweight.

1 - Most obviously, Sam’s the one who was on Rhodey’s tail and the blast was meant for as non-deadly, and the one who dodged. Yes this is a reasonable response from Sam, but Tony is not rational in this scene.

2 - Sam is Steve’s main partner in this entire shit-show that their lives have turned into right now, and without him trucking along encouraging Cap maybe it never would have even gotten to this point anyway (it probably would have, but Tony doesn’t know that, and maybe he doesn’t want to think about that, remember he isn’t rational in this moment).

3 -Tony is literally on his knees in a goddamn crater after failing to save his best friend. The one person, by this point, who has never willingly turned his back on Tony. Who has put up with him at his worst, fought beside him in all sorts of shit situations, and saved his ass numerous times. The man pulled him from the desert, was there with Stane, with Whiplash, and Mandarin, and Ultron. Even when they were fighting, it was because Rhodey was trying to look out for him. Rhodey is really the last person that Tony has who he can rely on in Civil War, he’s a solid presence who Tony can always count on to be there. He can’t count on the Avengers, clearly: look at what they’re fighting over. His second is Rhodey. His Rhodey.

4-  By this point, the Civil War has taken everything Tony thinks he has from him. He’d already lost JARVIS to Ultron & Vision. Lost Pepper, and I assume Happy in the divorce (since this is what happened in IM2), to his inability to stop being Iron Man, an Avenger. Lost his team to the the Accords. Lost his friends, his new family, to the fallout of the bombing and the Bucky debacle. And now he’s lost Rhodey. His one solid. If Rhodey dies? Tony has nothing, no one. No JARVIS, no Pepper, no Happy, no Avengers team, no Avengers family, no one except maybe Vision, his best friend’s unintentional murderer who is still learning about human life and probably wouldn’t be any comfort because just to gain Vision Tony had to give up JARVIS, and Vision is still a fucking baby in comparison to his understanding of humans, and a bunch of empty buildings that used to be home to various people Tony finds important.

I would have knocked Sam with a fucking repulsor too, because it should have been him without power, not Rhodey. Never Rhodey.

So no, he doesn’t want to hear some stupid ass goddamn “I’m sorry” when his best friend could be dead because neither he nor Sam were fast enough. He wants to be left the fuck alone because Rhodey might not make it and he is so done with this.

“But why didn’t he get mad at Vision?”

He fucking did! The movie fucking shows him hissing at Vision. “How did this happen?” “I thought you couldn’t get distracted.” And we don’t know if that is all of that exchange, for all we know he could have been quietly lecturing, glaring, or being a downright angry dick to Vision the entire time it took them to get the captured Avengers round up and Rhodey to medical.

From that point on, after pushing Natasha away because she hung herself helping Steve and Bucky (and he needs her to go before he has to watch another one member of his team, his family, get arrested by Ross), Tony is solo. He confirms Rhodey’s status, leaves Vision because he’s already fucked up once, and then heads to the Raft on his own.

So you can gtfoutta here with your “How dare Tony blast Sam when he tried to help get Rhodey, right after they tried to kill Sam!” bullshit. Sam was safe, he was always safe. Rhodey could have died, and Tony should not be expected to be rational in the face of that event, that level of trauma.

Rant over.

[drakonwriter]

I’m tired. I’m so fucking tired. Nothing works right. Reading, writing, watching, listening, sleeping, cleaning, speaking, working. I feel like I’m dragging. Like my brain is full minutes behind my life. Like my soul just stays behind in bed every morning, tossing and turning and tearing holes into itself so that one moment I’m typing out a simple explanation on payroll and the next I’m trying to fight down hysterical giggles because I want nothing more than to curl in on myself and cry.

I am a self-sufficient person. I have a job I enjoy, coworkers who make me feel like I have a third family, I make enough to support myself in an apartment, pay for gas and groceries and even have internet/tv/phone and other little subscriptions. I see my friends semi-regularly, who I know will be there for me in the rare moment I need a distraction. My family’s understanding of my has improved so that I don’t have a consistent need to hide from them or anything to do with spending too much time with them. As much as I have a constant mantra of “you’re bad at this” running through my head, I am indeed self-sufficient and do not rely on anyone anymore to survive. I’m not a burden to anyone. I’ve successfully pushed myself from the pathetically dependent child to someone who can help and support her family and friends for a damn change, and can even occasionally accept things herself without crippling guilt.

I may not actively share my writing anymore, but I do still write and I know I’m still exceedingly talented in it when I put my mind to it. I’m able to look back at recent writings and not cringe. I do not actively seek social interaction anymore, and I of course still have extremely high amounts of social anxiety which has fully seeped it’s way into covering internet connections as much as in person ones, but I don’t flinch away as violently from the in person. I can have an impromptu, unanticipated conversation in the cafe at work with an old manager and not come away freaking out about it. I can even be the one to initiate it, sometimes. Sure, the internet has become a place of doom and dread for me because words have never been more potent than in written form for me and I have finally learned the lesson that I am my most vulnerable when I only have my words and others words to work with. When a wound simply will not heal, no matter distance or time or distractions and attempts to move on, it becomes real fucking clear that it is a weakness. And therefore I do not fight that side of my social anxiety. I let it have it’s prize. A decade is a pretty good run for keeping that at bay given all the deeply driven wounds and scars that decade has left. And, you know, I’m even debating dipping back into the writing community. If not to interact, then to at least be a mute contributor of stories. That could be a thing.

But I am a goddamn successful person at this point. And I should not be tired. I should not be swamped with a want to just curl up in my nest of blankets and pillows and never surface. Yet I am, and I do, and it’s so fucking hard to mask it and not let it peek through at work. It’s so fucking hard to smile, and interact, and not put in both earbuds and blast music into my ears to tune out the world outside of the employers who chat in for help. To be goddamn available and open to interaction and mini creative or organizational projects. And I hate it. I hate it because my work is a goddamn glorious place and I should be happy there. I should feel every ounce of warmth and happiness that I do my best to put out when I’m there, because I can relax. Even though every second of my day is interacting via chat with customers and sometimes it blatantly reminds me of things that make my chest constrict and my head spin with mental whiplash, it is a goddamn good place in life for me at twenty-three. A damn sight better than where I was at a year ago.

And I hate myself for still not giving much of a fuck when my family rants at me about medical things. Or the risks of driving with faulty steering when streets are icy. For thinking and being terrified of how much a relief it would be to just not be here anymore. For my mind to just shut the fuck up and stop. Because I am drowning. I am self-sufficient and I am still drowning. Drowning in feelings of inferiority, failure, inadequacy, in the feeling of being so numb that the smallest emotion no matter good or bad is like a stabbing pain across my senses. Drowning in the feeling of going-to-cry and the knowledge of so-fucked-up-tears-are-not-viable-options. In the want to sleep for decades and the inabilty to turn my mind off long enough to even get into REM sleep for more than a couple hours.

Fucking hell I am so goddamn tired. And I hate myself. I’m so fucking tired of feeling like this and hating myself. Of going from being okay and happy to cursing the absolutely inability to let go enough to just fucking sob or scream or throw something and get rid of the goddamn pain inside of me.

Fuck.

[drakonwriter]

Tony Stark

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Captain America: Civil War

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tony stark in invincible iron man #4

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NOOOOO

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Does that indicate that the search for Bucky is wrapped up fairly quickly in Civil War? “That’s not early in the film,” reveals Joe Russo. “But we felt like it was the cleanest way to draw a line and highlight that this is Captain America 3, and not Avengers 2 and a half.” […] “It was important for us to make sure that you very clearly understood that this is a companion to Winter Soldier,” says Joe Russo. “It’s not a companion to Age Of Ultron, this is not a companion to Infinity War…”

Joe and Anthony Russo discuss the Captain America: Civil War trailer with Empire (via bottomsteves)

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“There’s a part of his personality that was under mind control, and he murdered a lot of people. So he’s got a very complicated history. Who is that person?” - Joe Russo

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“On Wednesdays we wear pink…”

[drakonwriter]

If we can’t accept limitations, we’re no better than the bad guys. That’s not the way I see it. Sometimes, I want to punch you in your perfect teeth.

[drakonwriter]

Bucky + getting away