dumbatlove

[dumbatlove]

Mata sa Mata

i could not help but stare at your eyes for as long as i want to, delving into the depths of your soul, emanating the psychedelic dispute between goodness and beauty. i could not help but pursue even further, unreluctantly menacing your wearies, ceasing it to exist, making your mind align and at bay. i could not help but indulge in your beauty as you stand behind the sunset, over the moonlight, i now long for you forever whenever you depart from me. you make it easier, and all i have in my pockets are coins and silly old note that screams your name, i juggle myself with the words, finding what fits you, yet i love you more than words can say.

[dumbatlove]

i hope that somehow in some ways you will read this.

i never thought that being a teacher would be this great. i always think of you as my little brother in school, and I just don't know if you think of me the same way. and it makes me sad because we all are going to be in our separate ways to find what we truly are and what our purpose is. i know that you will have a greater purpose in life because i already know from the very start that you are some kind of a kid. i never thought this day would come. i am going to miss all of the fun stuff we had. it wouldn't be this sad but somehow i couldn't contain myself from crying. i wish you all the best, bud. you are a limitless kid. congratulations and i hope to see and catch your light shine when you reach your dreams. live long and prosper 🖖

[dumbatlove]

I have been pretty off for almost three days now. I can not get this heavy inside of me but I really do not know how to pluck it out. Traveling seems a reasonable way but since I am a useless person, I could not even drive elsewhere since I don't carry a Driver's Lisence. It is pretty exhausting, thinking how useless we are at doing nothing and we can't do anything about it. It is like complaining you don't like the dish but have not tasted it. I would to call my dilemna, the cry baby act. All I do is cry until nothing comes out great. My emotional wins me over. I suck at things. But how do I make myself better if I worry too much? I feel like everything is abondoning me. Every hope I have in my pocket are slipping off and I could not chase them. I couldn't drive. I couldn't play an instrument. I am obnoxious. I am weird. And what it looks to be, I have a mental disorder. I am so stupid. I am so stupid. I am so stupid. I take all the fun out. I am so stupid. Even when I am alone, I am still the stupid jerk. I always think of killing myself. My life is useless. I am no good. I act like I know everything yet I can't figure out what is wrong with me. And that messes me up so well. I just want to end my life. It feels like I can't see myself after 25 already. The hope inside is extinguishing. I am such a useless person. I deserve to die. I deserve to die. I might kill myself anytime.

[dumbatlove]

I know when you're around because I know the sound of your heart.

I know when you're around because my heart starts beating fast and I can't control it.

I know when you're around because the bleakness surrounding me dispersed.

I know when you're around because the pages started to turn and pointed to where we are in this world.

I know when you're around because walking all day while you are inside my head makes me feel right.

I know when you're around because my mind keeps on referencing the songs that talk about you.

I know when you're around because the city screams and I would go in and find you.

I know when you're around because the words I would want you to hear will never be heard for I would only be stumbled in wonderment of the beauty you hold.

I know when you're around because I know the sound of your heart.

[dumbatlove]

It is not living if it is not with you.

It is not living if I cannot have a whole day or two in a month of seeing you.

It is not living if the distance holds me up from reaching you.

It is not living if this brain would forget your sunshine smell hair.

It is not living if these feet get tired of walking towards you.

It is not living if the city's gleamers do not contain our desires and fires.

It is not living if our fortune tellers' tales don't match.

It is not living if the moon stays hidden so I couldn't watch her beauty in my wolf's skin.

It is not living if decembers are better off without the cooler days having you by my side.

It is not living if these heartbeats are not made for us two.

It is not living if it is not with you.

[dumbatlove]

Many times I want to trace the buses and traverse the cracking roads just to hear you and see you and touch you at an inch apart in a given time. I would try to wish to Father Time for a time with you, and then, run away from him to have you for a longer moment. "We have time," those are the words from Library of Souls that keep on ringing my head and I am truly dying to be with you alone. It is too good to be true but if so, I wouldn't surely know what the words I would say to you for the first time because I would be drowing in so much appreciation since I was able to trick everything to get me to you. I love you and I am dying of wanting to be alone with you.

[dumbatlove]

That ray of light

It is hard to determine your self worth in situations where you feel weary. Sometimes you feel the most of your being, but other times, you feel the missing holes inside you and the worms come out and creep into your mind, poisoning you to think that you are better than anyone else just to prove your self worth. And that has been giving you the false hope of everything. A means for validation of your worthiness in living. You would feel defeated and, at the same time, lost in the process. Things around you would start to be unrecognizable and you would feel detached from all the hopes and dreams you have been yearning for. And when that emotion wins you over, you would want to venture out by hanging on a rope or feel the need to disappear since you feel you are useless in any situation and cannot find your purpose. That is what is making us feel disdain inside, the search for purpose. We really can not know our purpose. The search for that purpose is our quest. That is why villains in movies are not bad guys, they are just those characters who don't seem to know their plans to take on. So they rely their purpose to someone who has good intentions or insidious scheme, either way, it doesn't do you any good since it is not your own.

So we tend to gamble our life to fright and confide to our worries and insecurities which blanket us with self loathing and self destruction. But, always know that whenever you are in a place where your visions don't match with whatever that is happening to you, there will always be a ray of light that will show you your value. You just need to wipe your lenses a little more.

[dumbatlove]

I know how much I want to keep up with what I am feeling. I don't know why i have to be this sutle. I don't know why i have to be this frustrated. I don't know what those reasons are. I did everything I could to make myself okay. I am so stupid. I am so immature. I am so sad. I am so idiot. I hate myself more than anything. I really don't know what is happening in me. I feel useless. I feel lost. I feel defeated. I feel like a failure. I am a pure failure.

[dumbatlove]

I've been in love with you for ages

I've been in love with you for ages, your hair makes me look at you as you try to fix it.

I've been in love with you for ages, you could look at the books in a shop and tell me little stories each of it.

I've been in love with you for ages, you complain your tired toes and i would love to find you your seat.

I've been in love with you for ages, you give me the butterfly after showing me your portrait.

I've been in love with you for ages, you let me know what you are cooking and assured me I will have it.

I've been in love with you for ages, you are not queer by just having confusing treats.

I've been in love with you for ages, you disclose me of how much I like my ice cream as a mid night thing.

I've been in love with you for ages, we watch movies and see where we are in those scenes.

I've been in love with you for ages, we go different lands and take a piece of it.

I've been in love with you for ages, we sit together in a coffee shop and i would imagine us having kids.

I've been in love with you for ages, i would like to forever give our love more pages because I always fall in love with you in newer heart beats.

I will always be in love with you for ages, and ages and ages to come.

[dumbatlove]

Paint you

Muscle is prickling as it is getting brave

The brush never seen in a cave

One of a kind from othe columns of a nave

Brush went swayed and made

Paints enslaved to which they aid

Every fine line to a single direction

Creating vast distortion

Mona Lisa, eye's desire and ambition

Let me copy your lustrous information

For your beauty will resound in endless devotion

[dumbatlove]

Wandering thoughts

We both have contrasting thoughts regarding things but doing them both is something i would love to do forever. Beaches are not your thing you go to but i could see how much stillness you carry in your face as you look towards the horizon. I might not know what is going on in your head as you look at the parting lines, but i know that, like what you always say, you would always think of your only person first when you get to see the ocean. And i have always had that thought every time i get to see bodies of waters. And With myself not liking humid temperatures, the texture of sweaters give me a sense of confidence, and i would like it when we get to beaches wearing it and then i would have your hands inside my sweater's hands' holes and hold them forever while we look at life being portrayed by the ocean.

[dumbatlove]

My Moon

The moon never turns its back when listening to my cry. It stares at our hearts in ways people could not and reminds you of untold memories and discloses our whole reality. The ocean reaches high, wanting to be near it. Wolves venture out guided by the moonlight and howls at it in gratitude. Nocturnal creatures escape from their caves to receive transcendental power from it. However, I understand when the moon has to be in its phases. It might display its difference but is still the moon. You are as worth as the moon to me. Or maybe more. Because you bear the weights of sanities of the creatures inside of me. And I, like I always say, would always chose you over Phobus and Deimos.

[dumbatlove]

This is the movie that got me out to grow up and see things in different corners.

It was the character of River Phoenix that made me ask a lot of things about everything that was going on around me and in my head.

And this is what I learned. You know, when you go further away and come back, you would somehow see how smaller your town is than the last time you saw it. That is why grown up people had to get out from it.

Small town with small-minded people.

[dumbatlove]

Buwan

Ang kasiyahan ko noon at ang kasiyahan ko ngayon ay magkatulad parin. Walang nagbago. Dahil ikaw ang tinatangi ng aking puso. Pagpasiyahan mo na ang aking kahinaan sa tuwing nauunahan ako nito sapagkat dumadaloy ang kaduwagan sa aking dugo. Pero kahit na tamaan ako ng kidlat, ikaw ang aking tatakbuhan buhat buhat ang aking mga pighati at pagsisisi. Kung magbabago man ang kulay ng aking buhok dahil sa kidlat, tulad ng pabago-bagong mukha pero buwan parin, magiging mapagpasalamat parin ako dahil ikaw at ikaw parin ang aking kasiyahan.

[dumbatlove]

I don't want to

I don't want to talk about how beautiful the moon is when night comes and how desperate nocturnal creatures are when it does not show up.

I don't want to talk about oceans disclosing our reality when waves hit us.

I don't want to talk about dandy singers and their songs about love and their love.

I don't want to talk about places where people go to in hopes of finding great perhaps.

I don't want to talk about movies and their crappy clichéd endings.

I don't want to talk about how awful it is to walk a mile on broken streets.

I don't want to talk about blue skies and find yourself flying above castles of clouds.

I want to talk about the beauty you carry when i am the one looking at you.

I want to talk about the things that are making a circus in your mind.

I want to talk about your songs you assembled and the music you radiate.

I want to talk about the things i am yet to discover of you.

I want to talk about how you make me continue writing because reality has a collection of happiness and an unending story.

I want to talk about how much we have walked together.

I want to talk about the feeling i get from having you by my side for it feels like I am above everything.

[dumbatlove]

Taong Hambog

Sa tuwing nakikinig ako sa mga kantang nagpapaalala sa iyo, mga pelikula at tulang sumisigaw ng iyong kagandahan, ninanakaw ko at inaangkin ko ang mga ito at sinusubukan kong ipadama na galing lahat ng mga ito sa akin. Kapag mapapaupo naman ako sa mga hardin sa paligid at tatabi sa mga bulaklak, unti unti ay babagabag sa aking isipan ang halimuyak mo, agad agad kong pipitasin at isisilid sa paborito kong libro na ang pamagat ay pangalan mo. Sa gabi, aakyatin ko ang matangkad na langit at aawayin ko ang mga tala, dadamputin ko ang buwan at gagawin ko itong ilaw sa aking buhay upang mabigyan ng kaunting saya sa madilim at dukha kong pagtingin sa aking sarili. At kapag ang sandali ng pagkikita natin ay darating, aangkinin ko ang mahika ng panahon upang sa ganon mapatigil ko ang oras at mapapasakamay ko ang sandali na kasama natin ang isa't isa. Hahawakan, hihilain, at hahalikan kita sa magkapakailanman na ninakaw ko. Doon ko rin maaangkin ang iyong labi na puno ng galak at poot, ang puso mong nakaupo sa sulok ng iyong pagdududa ay itatakas ko, ang isipan at hinanaing mo sa iyong sarili. Gugulatin ko ang mga ito at pansamantalang ililigaw ko ang mga ito upang sa ganon hindi ka makikipag areglo sa iyong sarili.

Makasarili na kung makasarili pero aangkinin ko lahat ng iyong pighati at galak, dahil kung isa lang sa kanila, hindi kita buong maaangkin. Hindi mo ako mapipigilan sa pagaangkin ko sa mga ito dahil dito ako nabubuhay, ang pagangkin sa mga hindi sa akin.