dvdeviants

[dvdeviants]

Cashback (2006)

   This looks quite good doesn't it? Look at the quotes! It's brilliant! It's not. I have no idea why it's apparently good. For a start, this is the leading man:

-Charisma oozing from every pore, check.

-Horlicks, check.

This is...some bloke. I genuinely don't remember his character's name.

He gets dumped by Zoe Slater from Eastenders.

Then he can't sleep.

Then he gets a night shift job at Sainsburys.

Then Emilia Fox is there.

Then he plays football with his colleagues who he doesn't like very much. It seems like we're meant to care about the result. The scene is too long.

He has magical powers to freeze time and undress supermodels who are inexplicably in Sainsbo's at 3am.

He is this guy's evil pervert uncle:

Sorry I had to bring you into this smut, Bernard.

I just...don't get it. It's 'art' or something but from what I could gather it was the heartwrenching tale of a man who liked tits.

I was disappointed from the moment I realised it wasn't the life story of this guy:

.... and the disappointment gathered momentum like a man driving barefoot to Dundee fuelled by Toblerone.

CASHBACK!

Anyway:

p.s. this technically came out in cinemas or arty festival things somewhere. BUT NOT IN ENGLAND, THANKS ENGLAND.

[dvdeviants]

Triple Dog (2010)

We saw a trailer for this film on the DVD of 'The Cake Eaters' so naturally, it had to be a hit. 

The trailer looked quite harrowing- I was looking forward to what was promised to be a teen thriller.

The premise of Triple Dog is that a girl is having a sleepover, it's her birthday or something. She gets ready, applies lip gloss to her face (wtf) and invites three really boring girls, one token 'alt' girl(she's so hardcore she skateboards down the school halls) and a 'freak' (who is also alt but the other alt girl hates her for reasons including the fact that she carries a rat about in her bag. Also, she is technically very attractive but boys call her a 'boner killer') that her mother made her invite. Get ready for some serious name calling and general teenage girl-ness. There's some great relevant pop culture references including that of '2 girls 1 cup'.

The alt girl clearly has a lot of issues and suggests they play a game called Triple Dog, which is basically just dares only if you can't do your dare you have your head shaved. Is this a real game?? Why would anyone agree to this? Also, for a long time it was really hard to figure out what this girl's name was. Jaben? Chaping? Chaban? Chafin? Chopan?

It was Chapin in the end which I don't believe is a real name but anyway....so they play the game, which included hillarious dares such as streaking, doing some karaoke then having a seizure halfway through, with some casual racism at a Chinese bar called 'Big Wangs'.

Naturally, there is a darker turn...something about a girl who played this game before and jumped in a river and died. 

It was actually genuinely alright. I wouldn't sit through it again, but it was almost captivating and not even that predictable except for the fact that Chapin was really quite sensitive in the end, despite her tough exterior. Of course. She even tried to help out her friend with a guy..'If I kiss you will you let my best friend suck your dick cos her dad hasn't called and it's her birthday and she'll have to get her head shaved'.

There were even some arty flashbacks to 4 days before, counting down to the present, which I did not expect from a straight to DVD film advertised on The Cake Eaters.

Overall, this film has taught me one thing and that is, if you leave the rat at home, you might get a date.

Face Rating: About 6.5 out of 10

(Imagine I'm sort of doing a nod thing here)

[dvdeviants]

The Cake Eaters (2007)

                              The main thing you should know about this film is that we tried to watch the deleted scenes afterwards and were distracted by a pigeon outside. It was a larger than average pigeon. We leapt off the sofa for a closer look at the slightly oversized vermin.

   This film is marketed with Kristen Stewart's looming, moony face and is all sparkly and pink and looks chick-flicky. I thought it might be a laugh. Heck, even the blurb describes it as 'light-hearted'. It's not light-hearted. She's all kinds of ill. It's not even much about her anyway. I mean it's sold as a 'love story' but really it's a very poor family drama and I don't care and no one cares and Kristen's face certainly doesn't care (apart from the scenes where her face switches between 'indifferent' and 'horny' at alarming and vomit-inducing speed). Yeah she wants to bang before she dies. She wants to bang a man who wears brown trousers, then beige trousers and then chinos. Nice one. There's nothing wrong with a nice pair of cords but this bloke (who was apparently an X-Man) takes its too far.   

   We basically just waited for them to bang. Other family members had some dramas, some shit went down, someone's brother got drunk at a graveyard. I couldn't tell you their names if you tortured me. Even if that torture was an infinite screening of 'The Cake Eaters'.

   Why is it called that? I do not know. What I do know is that 'Love is the frosting'. Thanks sub-heading! We both thought there'd be a bakery element but no. Though one of the characters owns a butchers shop. Oh.  

   There's a really awkward scene where Kristen walks down a corridor and it is horribly drawn out and ridiculous. Do yourself a favour and watch this corridor scene instead:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f9j6v3toLLM

   About 10 times as long and 10 times less painful.

     I can’t give a rating out of ten as this film is just exempt from judgement. It is wallpaper.  I feel nothing from it. I can’t even say it’s bad because that would imply a reaction.

   One point of interest from the entire film: there is a carboot scene. Carboot scenes are a rare treat and just aren’t given the screentime they deserve. Excellent stuff. Also, a barman was more attractive than the leading man.

   Facial review:

I really tried to capture the expression and setting of the dvd cover as it summed everything up really but AS IT TURNS OUT, Kristen Stewart’s expressionless face is actually quite hard to pull off. Seriously, try it. There’s a hint of smugness in there with all that expressionlessness and indifference.  Smugness ‘cos she knows I can’t copy the face? She’s a witch and we all underestimated her. Also, the sky isn’t blue enough in England in March. Life is too hard sometimes.

[dvdeviants]

The Cellar Door (2007)

                        This is the story of a man. A creepy man. A creepy man whose fashion choices signal that he is batshit psychotic. Not only does he wear yellow fisherman-style jackets, sinister dressing gowns and disposable gloves; but he also favours shirts buttoned all the way to the top. I don’t care if it’s fashionable, it’s universally creepy, unnecessarily restricting and for the love of god it is not acceptable in 2007 before hipsters became hipsters. Apparently this film is a sequel but I only found that out by accident. Apparently it follows ‘Broken’ (2006), so there you go. But really, its standalone and I somehow managed to get all the way through it not realising it was a sequel.

   This man…I forget his name but it’s not really important. He likes locking ladies in wooden boxes for no apparent reason. The start of the film sees one of these poor cows escaping, but she’s not too good at it and after unsuccessfully attempting to flag down the world’s most distracted jogger, she gets run over by her own captor, dies, gets wrapped up in a big bag and buried. Shit day for her.

   Anyway he finds a new victim who he follows about a bit whilst she goes about her life which involves getting drunk and flashing her baps like horror-victim girls often do. She’s a party gurl about to get the worst hangover of her life lolol. Yeah she wakes up in a box. I wouldn’t be a fan of that so at the very least this film has instilled me with the gratitude that I’ll never wake up in a box. Probably.

   There’s a delightful scene in which Rudy (boxgirl) has a vision of the previous boxgirl and she’s all maggoty and bleurguguhuh and she resembles Bootstrap Bill from Pirates of the Caribbean. Rudy screams like a seal. Here is that 20 seconds of cinematic amazingness in one succinct picture:

*squeal*

Now, not only does the creepy man have a questionable sense of style but he goes to the supermarket way too much. In fact, over the course of the film he makes four separate trips. In the first trip he goes to get biscuits and terrifyingly asks the shop lady what biscuits he should buy ‘for a girl’. Chilling. Shudders all round. The assistant babbles on about nuts and chocolate. She’ll kick herself later when she realises that she was face-to-face with a proper Mr Weirdypants and she should’ve interpreted ‘I need biscuits for a girl’ as ‘I need biscuits for a girl who I’ve locked in a big silly box and I’d also like to kill you later’. The bloody idiot. His request for girly biscuits should’ve set off a thousand alarm bells. Between the 3rd and 4th times he goes to the shops he engages in some of the worst finger-licking scenes ever committed to celluloid. I never want chocolate cake again.

   Anyway this whole film is quite awkward and a bit torture-porny and made me feel a bit of a pervert just for putting my eyes on it. It gets better at the end when it’s a bit less porny and a bit more murdery and stuff actually happens rather than a fat guy breathing heavily and talking about kittens to a sassy prisoner with menstrual problems (there’s a delightful 10 minutes dedicated to the subject, hurrah! Something for everyone!). The last 90 seconds is like a cringey 1980s rock video so have a look at that and then move on with your life.

I don't know what it says about my moral compass but basically the whole way through I was thinking about this:

When on the screen I was seeing this:

Is this my problem, the film industry's problem or shakira's problem? I'm going for the latter two. Also, 'she wolf' is great. No one can deny that.

    An awkward 3/10

  Facial review:

[dvdeviants]

Before You Say I Do (2009)

                                I'm keeping this short. Because the film should have been. Also I have little to say about this claptrap and nonsense.

    It's genuinely hard to write a review for a film like this. I am exhausted just tapping the keys right now. We watched this film over a week ago but it's obviously had so much impact on us that I'm only just acknowledging it's existence right here, right now. Which is more than it deserves QUITE FRANKLY. I've burnt a calorie typing this paragraph. I want it back.    Errr...so he's the one and she's the one and their relationship is the one, so it's time to marry the one...except she's tarnished by her first marriage and it's definitely a big deal because nobody ever gets married twice, right? She's a bore, he's a bore; the film's a snore. Life after Gilmore Girls is not going well for David Sutcliffe. Which is a shame 'cos I thought he was 'da bomb' back in the day.

   I don't know if this image is in any way related to 'Before You Say I Do' but it is, without doubt, more interesting than the film itself:

Delightful.

   If you're impressed by this review and are considering a viewing you'll be pleased to know that the film features a twist of sorts. Well, not really a twist. It's more of an unexpected plot device that we were slightly thrown by. It's the one redeeming feature. But that aside, this is standard rom-'com' dirge and needs to die.

1.5/10

Facial review:

[dvdeviants]

A Good Old Fashioned Orgy (2011)

WARNING: This review contains material of a NAUGHTY nature. I can't tell you what it involves, but the fact that this film is called A Good Old Fashioned Orgy might give it away. Be careful, young eyes. This is not for you.

For everyone else, WAHEY get ready for this piece of genuine comedy gold. Genuine.

Firstly I'm super surprised this didn't go to cinemas (apparently it did for a little bit in America I think but this is England so yeah) it's got a whole ton of famous people in it!! Like, Valerie from Sabrina the Teenage Witch. You get to see her sexing. And that guy from The Hangover, and that other guy that's in stuff, and stuff.

This isn't porn, though, it's classy as hell. It's about a group of besties who all party down in the main guy's family summer house- it's a super good house and they get wasted and love life and the police come around but they just don't care and oh golly you just wish you'd been invited. 

However, main guy's dad who actually owns the house is all like 'Yo son this is my new gf SHE'S NOT IMPORTANT anyway house is all up for sale and ting' and son's all like 'Say what? What about my partiezzz' and dad's all like 'Make an offer on the house then lol bye now I'm going away somewhere or other' and just drives off.

Naturally this is a problem but the main guy gets all involved with the estate agent girl Kelly who lets the house go unsold for longer- giving the friends time to plan their last ever party- AN ORGY! What a great idea. Not everyone thinks so at first but it doesn't take long for everyone's personal situations to change, so they all agree to do it.

There's some brilliant bits involving an underground swinger's club where everyone's just doing each other and the other estate agent woman is there!! Sorry that was a spoiler but also quite insignificant.

Now, the 'orgy' these guys have is sort of an orgy but more a 'Hey I've fancied you for a while let's fuck' and the rest of it is just pretty decedent with pretty bedsheets and cocktails and stuff. Some people have sex and the rest watch, which is apparently normal.  I don't know, is it?? Tell us, readers.  Also there's a great bit where the couple who weren't invited to the orgy heard it was an Indian theme, so they dress as Native Americans when it was actually like India and pretty throws and Ganeshes and stuff.  Oh the comedy never stops.  

I loved it, though. There's some real life laugh out loud moments. There's heartwarming relationships. There's a comical line such as 'At least my breath is natural, unlike your vagina' (She had shaved it. You probably had to be there) there's an amusing couple who weren't invited to the orgy and it's all full of laughs. 

I think you see a couple of breasts but if you're hoping to get off on this film well then you've come to the wrong place. It is not get off worthy. And Valerie doesn't look that good while she's having sex, she's got a bit of a boney back but despite that she is lovely. There's a guy who's all OCD about life but apparently is really good at sex. 

Anyway, overall I'm gonna give this film a solid 8. 

Facial review :

[dvdeviants]

Airbud: Spikes Back (2002)

                                          It's about time for a film involving both kids and animals as this is a genre we have sadly not been interested in at all so it's clearly a gap in our blogging market. Where better to start than the marvel that is 'Airbud: Spikes Back', the 5th cinematic triumph in the 'Airbud' dynasty. FIFTH. There's even more if you're interested in sporty dogs but that's a tangled web of spin-offs and spin-offs that spin off from the spin-offs in a web of sequels and prequels. It's dream for this blog as you can imagine. 'So why did you choose this one?', I hear you cry. The answer is this: it's got the lowest rating on IMDB (3.8 or something) therefore it's worth a bash.    We haven't seen the first 4 Airbuds but from our extensive research we gathered that he is a dog with an uncanny ability to play sports. This uncanny ability to understand and play human games is the plotline for several films. Let's all think about that for a minute. Someone got rich from this. It's like Babe got made 10000 times but with a dog doing sport. Imagine a world in which there was a Babe 1/2/3/4/5 in which the pig herded different herds of animals each time. Sheep...then cows...then chickens or something. HELL.    At least Babe was a bit interesting and there was some jeopardy; i.e. people saying 'OMG WAT THAT PIG CAN'T BE A SHEEP-DOG IT'S A PIG LOL'. In this film, every human seems to fully accept that this dog is a beach volleyball player. That's right - a beach volleyball player. He wears a team shirt and everything. No-one bats a single eyelid when this dog struts up to the net and saves the day (sorry for the massive spoiler there). Also, no one sees any issue with the dog being the main carer for the children. It picks them up from school which I think is NOT APPROPRIATE as a dog is not an adequate guardian in my opinion. But hey, this dog can read clocks and bark at appropriate moments to signal his approval of what's just happened. Who needs parents? Not these kids. I think Noah needs some parental guidance though, he's a creepy motherfudger and would be more at home in a horror film.              

                                        Chilling stuff.

The main boy child character- well he was about 13 or something- looked exactly like Kim's boyfriend:

This made it difficult to concentrate because they were exactly the same and it was great. 

   It's all awful, obviously. There's some baddies chucked in for good measure but they make no impact whatsoever. There's a parrot. Errr...there's some amazing slow-mo moments and emotional flashbacks (involving more slow-mo, blates). However, we were both heartwarmed in some way and both genuinely had dreams inspired by the film that very night. This hasn't happened with any other film so that must be a positive sign, right? We both flew/travelled to America in our dreams. Kim went to California. This is significant if you have knowledge of this film's plot. Supernatural stuff.

An average of our ratings makes this an astounding 4 out of 10 straight-to-dvd smash hit blockbuster.

Facial review:

(Being heartwarmed by a pet with the uncanny ability to perform acrobatic stunts)

   Half formed jokes we kind of made but didn't fully make:

- Joke about 'The Empire Strikes back'

- Drink 'spiking' joke

-  The bit where the dog breaks the tent-sion (visual gag involving a scene with a tent)

[dvdeviants]

Night of the Living Dorks (2004)

Night of the Living Dorks was lying around in the house for a long time before we felt the need to watch it, and thank god we finally did. Now, I'm a little (very) scared of anything in the horror genre but luckily I had fully had a read of the Blurb and felt safe enough watching this.

This is a German film. It's dubbed and stuff which makes it a bit frustrating, but do not fear. This film is comedy gold. Sort of.

There's three ABSOLUTE BLOODY LOSERS- their names are unimportant. They go around living their lives not really trying to get laid but basically wanting to but the cool JOCKS just bully them all the bloody time. To sum up they are uncool and have a hard time exisiting and being at school and fancying the way out of their league ladies.

Anyway more importantly, the main guy Phillip is actually a pretty nice guy who is a bit attractive in a really not attractive way but I just felt quite sorry for him I think which is obviously an attractive thing anyway YES he lives next door or oposite or something this REALLY FIT GOTH GIRL only he is oblivious to the fact she is quite clearly the one, so they are well friendzoned. She is part of a little goth group who do voodoo and stuff, so one day, the three boys- Phillip, a mental one and another who just likes getting stoned a lot, go to this graveyard and the goths do some sort of voodoo thing and guess what happens??? Well, they crash their car into a tree and they all die. Then wake up in a morgue and they look basically the same but a bit different like with eyeliner on and stuff because they are now zombies. That's right. Zombies.

Being a zombie is shocking for them all at first but then they realise it's super okay and that they are really strong and stuff and apparently can see girls naked whenever they want??? The stoner zombie fancies his teacher so goes down on her in a hot tub for a while and he can just go on and on because he is a zombie. Then it gets a bit weird when Phillip is gonna have sex with the popular girl but then one of his balls just falls off. Just falls off and rolls off somewhere. This happens a lot they find, the more zombieish they become, the more limbs just fall off. This is when they realise they have to try and stop being zombies and consult the sexy goth for help.

This wasn't an awful film but then again it kind of dragged a whole lot. The best part is probably the DVD extras, where the cast and crew talk about the film- everyone takes it very seriously especially the stoner guy who's all like 'Yeah it was really weird for me to play a loser cos in real life I'm actually really cool so I didn't really know how to do it hahahaha'

There's a scene in the hospital later on where two doctors are just smoking weed, what kind of establishment is this?

I'm also still a little confused as to the whole X ray vision thing, do zombies have X ray vision????

Phillip was an okay main character because of his whole being a virgin and I feel sorry for him thing but he's still no Ed Kerr but we're never going to find another Ed Kerr let's be honest. Oh well, I wouldn't sit through it again. The end. I give it like a 5 or something.

Facial review:

[dvdeviants]

Altered (2006)

Time for a bit of horrorsponding (not my joke but hey isn’t it clever?!)

   Now, to be honest, when I purchased this cinematic experience from my beloved Poundland I had high(ish) hopes. The front cover didn’t feature any brightly-clothed teenagers making faces (the international indicator of the straight-to-dvd film). Instead it was all ‘HEY THIS IS FROM THE DIRECTOR OF THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT!’ and had a vaguely intriguing picture of some shadowy figures in the woods. Great! This is bound to be ok!

   Do you remember the Blair Witch Project? It was technically a big deal and had all that ‘found footage’ stuff that Paranormal Activity went and did to death several years later. Seriously, what was the point of the 4th film? Anyway.  The thing about the Blair Witch Project was the subtle threat of danger that was never quite made clear. It was all about tension and suspense. Altered is as subtle as a smack in the face.  The ‘threat’ is some aliens and straight from the off  they’re right there in front of you. No mystery whatsoever. The main characters tracked down one and pissed him off by taping him down in their garage with some silver parcel tape. All I could think when I saw this alien taped down was that I’ve used that tape at work and it can barely keep a box of books closed, let alone hold down a ker-azy alien. Idiots.  This alien immediately dispels my initial positivity. It is not shadowy or vague. It’s a big ugly lump with teeth. THE DVD COVER HAS LIED.

Expectation:                                                 

Reality:

   ...oh.

   This film is atrocious. There is some kind of back story that nobody cares about. Well, the characters do apparently.  But I’m the viewer and therefore a god; and I thought: ‘I cannot take anything seriously when the involved character’s name is Timmy’. So Timmy got killed by an alien about 10 years ago. It’s not really explained why. Timmy. Poor Timmy. If his name was…I don’t know…Pete, I might have started to care. I am just shallow when it comes to names obviously. But come on, who cares about little Timmy getting toppled by the aliens? There are no flashbacks or anything, it’s all completely threadbare and the script seems to be padded out by about 1000 uses of ‘MOTHERFUCKER’ and ‘GOD…DAMNIT!’

   I lost interest about halfway through. Well, I never had any interest in the first place but I did have an interest in becoming interested. Pure interest did not materialise. My interest in interest waned soon after.

   My favourite bit is Wyatt’s scared face. It’s amazing and a masterclass in horror film acting. He does it when he’s scared in a van in the forest. Watch that 10-second part and then carry on with your life. Actually, also have a ganders at the alien-mindfuck-telepathy-funny face competition-battle near the end that is so ridiculous it results in an explosion so confusing and unexpected that I had to rewind several times.

   The ending is clearly geared towards a sequel. Good luck mate. I look forward to a straight-to-dvd sequel to a straight-to-dvd film. Is this even possible? Answers on a postcard please.

   To conclude: what a load of poppycock. I have a better idea; it’s a romcom called ‘Altared’ starring Sarah Jessica Parker. It’s all about how marriage comically changes your life and it has a heart-warming ending where she renews her vows with Ed Kerr after a bit of turbulence in their life and then there's a song/dance to the music of Pitbull as the credits roll and then a hilarious blooper reel.

1/10

Sarcastic distress/fear-themed facial review:

Eeeeeeek!!!!!

[dvdeviants]

The Nugget (2002)

   The majority of the viewing of this film was spent trying to make a witty remark/joke about chicken nuggets so forgive us if we cannot remember much.

I would like to say that this film is basically 'Dude, where's my nugget?' Read on if this entices you, even if it doesn't, read on.

The opening sequence is forgettable but from the moment the mysterious narrator broke the fourth wall.. Well. This cinematic technique simply threw us.

   So basically some men find a nugget of gold in a hill or something and then they quit their jobs and spend lots of money because they think they're rich. Hang on though fellas, you've not cashed the rock yet! Hold on to your hats because you're in for a crazy ride! Yes, you guessed it, the nugget goes missing. Cue about an hour of material about the greed of humans and how wealth/losing said wealth tears us apart. I've made it sound better than it is but that's the general jist. You know what? They shouldn't have counted their chickens before they hatched. Chicken NUGGETS!

   It's all quite dull but there are some good little bits that were genuinely quite amusing (not quite '24-KARAT COMEDY' as the dvd cover describes though) such as the whole dead dog skit that ran through the film. Well, I say amusing but i guess it's not really...I mean how funny can a dead dog be? There was far too much dead dog for one film but it was a nice change from scenes involving angry wives getting het up about shopping/other wives/money.

I think we should take a minute to discuss all of the wives. At the beginning, we immediately realise which wives are the 'cool' wives because each husband tells his wife he bought a metal detector and the wives are all like 'HOW MUCH DID THAT COST YA MATE?' each one says a different amount of money and the third wife is totally cool with it because she is a SUPER COOL WIFE. This is our Chinese wife, we wonder throughout the film, why is she Chinese? Is there a plot point for this? (Not in a racist way, she's obviously allowed to be Chinese, LET ME GET TO THE POINT) there is in fact a plot point involving her making a fake phonecall from Hong Kong. Thank god she was there, otherwise a large part of this film would be redundant. I loved this wife. She was the best and deserved a place on the cover unlike the BITCH wife who is in fact on the cover. The cover implies there might be breasts in this film, or at least some sexy fun. Do not be dissapointed when this wife just walks about in a tracksuit the whole time with no sign of any breasts.

Another thing the wives do (It is really important that we continue to discuss the wives) well stupid bitch cover wife is all, 'I don't even care about your nugget, SHUT UP AND DO HUSBANDY THINGS' and then he's like, but wife, it's a really BIG nugget.. And suddenly she's interested and supportive, bloody women. One of the men insults a wife in a snappy way 'Shut your trap, you greedy little slut' Hahaahahaa.

   There was also a funny little skit involving trashy headlines on magazines/newspapers the characters were reading in the scenes, the best being 'Hitler is alive - and I married him!' and 'World's fattest man is missing'. Laughter was genuinely raised that other straight-to-DVD classics such as Road Trip:Beer Pong could only ever dream of (i.e. a minimal chuckle).

    When I looked up this film on IMDB I found it hilarious that in the trivia section it says 'Belinda Emmett's only ever theatrical feature film', followed by 'last acting role of Belinda Emmett'. I was going to make some witty comment and everything until I delved into the interweb further and discovered that she is in fact sadly dead, hence the lack of new material. I have learnt a lesson; and that lesson is do your research before you dive in. Now, if only the characters in the film had done that before they spent a load of money they didn't have, EY? EY?

This is, overall, a film about the recession. Getting a nugget.. losing said nugget.. quitting your job, not being able to get another, having a garage sale because it's all got so bad.... 

   As you all know, we are very strict with the films we review here and some eagle-eyed readers may have noticed that this film actually went to cinemas...but hey, that was in Australia so your criticism is REDUNDANT. We got this DVD from Poundland in the UK, therefore it is almost definitely straight-to-dvd here and our conscience is clear. No regrets 2k13.

Our third guest reviewer's comment :

'God is a manipulative omnipotent being leading Australians to their doom'  

   All in all: OK. This film is OK.    Facial reviews:

[dvdeviants]

House Party 4: Down to the Last Minute (2001)

   House Party 4...House Party 4...What is there to say about House Party 4? I could say 'It's a bit like Ferris Bueller's Day Off'; which I have said, but what I mean to say is that I think that's what they were going for but the reality fell a bit short. If you think that the previous sentence was stilted, confusing and grammatically unsound, wait 'til you see House Party 4!!!1!!

   Jonjon is fakin' being sick. Monique knows this. Jonjon has a party. He is not meant to have a party. It's a basic premise all round really but there are a few confusing moments such as a bit in which some characters are in a taxi with a murderer (?!), then in a plane, then in a taxi again. Three people viewed this film at our exclusive Straight to DVDeviants screening in our exclusive Straight to DVDeviants headquarters and not one of us could decipher this transport-hopping sequence. Can YOU? Get in touch.

The third member that wasn't us did a little sleepy throughout most of this film. It was a bit of a struggle overall.

Also there is a bit where someone jumps at someone or something, maybe they don't even jump, it was pretty unforgettable- anyway, this shot occurs twice for no reason and I'm pretty sure it was probably not meant to actually happen but whatever. This also happens when a random dancing scene is duplicated because it was too much effort to shoot different scenes of people dancing. At a house party. There's about as much house party as there is beer pong in Road Trip.

I'd say the best line in this film is when JonJon (aka, Roger from Sister Sister- remember that NERD? Well, he's not a nerd anymore, ladies. He is a hottie and he can sing real good)

he's hanging out with his girlfriend who's name I forget, who he pretended to be the mother of so he could pick her up from school early, naughty. She's touching him all over the place and he's on the phone to his mum at the time and is all like 'Sorry, gotta go- something popped up' I THINK HE MIGHT HAVE MEANT SOMETHING REALLY NAUGHTY and quite frankly I think this was an inappropriate thing to say on the phone to his mother but then there is a very random porn scene in this film too so please be careful if you are watching this with elders or small children- they will be sad.

Another treat is some man who helps them with something (I don't remember about 80% of this film) wants his 'LOVELY DAUGHTERS' to attend the house party because they are lovely, but when they turn up they are really really obese and obesity is really funny and they are really clingy and just fancy Jonjon and he's all like Oh no! You're fat. It's really funny.

   The first three House Party films went to ACTUAL CINEMA which is lovely but this film well and truly deserved it's fate and of course as we all know, you:

Facial reviews:

[dvdeviants]

The Lion King 2: Simba's Pride (1998)

Time for a nice straight to VIDEO review (1998!) I was manic for this when it came out so I felt like doing a little reminiscent review, yaaay.

So the original Lion King was based on Hamlet which is all very good and clever whilst this sequel is based on Romeo and Juliet. I feel like this is a bit of a cop out and I would’ve loved some kind of Titus Andronicus set up (lions probably eat their children, right?) but hey it’s Disney and Romeo and Juliet is essentially the only option available so they’re forgiven. Basically Simba’s daughter is a bit of a loose cannon, a bit wild and unchained and says vaguely feminist things like ‘I’m not just a princess, there’s more to me!’. She is a bit of a subversive Disney princess who is all strong-willed and crap. For a bit anyway, then she falls in love with a bad boy from the wrong side of pride rock and gets a bit lame. I don’t really know where they were going with the ‘strong female’ thing because she is basically a bit pathetic and gets herself in scrapes and fires and has to be saved a lot; and a line in one of the songs has her declaring ‘I may not be brave or strong or smart’ but that everything’s fine ‘cos ‘love will find a way’. Yeah pal, just carry on being in love. No self-improvement required, stay weak and stupid. Again, I’m taking a film far too seriously but that whole thing really was annoying. Here is a picture that accurately sums up her character and my reaction to it:

   Staying with the annoying thread, Simba really has gone downhill. He was a cool guy in the first film but he’s just this boring old man who stalks his daughter. His voice is too soft and that bothers me.

So the basic premise is those two up there ^^ being all in love even though they're not supposed to. Two households, both alike in dignity...bla bla bla. Kovu is from 'the outlands' where all the bad lions are. They have ripped ears and really defined jaws - the international signals of badness. Kovu is Scar's 'heir', NOT SON, PEOPLE; THAT WOULD MAKE HIM AND SIMBA'S DAUGHTER COUSINS OMG NO. Scar's actual son looks like this:

I actually felt really bad for this lion. He was basically really tragic and goofy and everyone thought he was a moron, which he is; but he's only a moron 'cos he's been basically neglected by his mother and just wants some attention. It's genuinely a bit upsetting and then something REALLY bad happens and it's all a bit dark. The whole film is basically a bit dark until the obvious happy disney ending. Not as dark as The Black Cauldron, jesus christ that film is scary. If you haven't seen it then you should prepare some reinforced underwear for when you do.

The best part of this film is the songs, especially 'Not one of us' which never fails to make me feel a bit queasy and emotional. Mock me if you will, but it's actually a pretty good song and there's an amazing bit sung by a hippo. A good comedy moment is Rafiki's crackhead song 'Upendi'. Oh my lord it's great. It's a song all about love and there's a line where he gleefully shouts 'YOU CAN BEAT THE BUSH LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW' whilst all around him the animals do a conga line that looks like they're humping. Naughty. But yeah, I can't help feeling that the sequel was made purely because there were a lot of left-over song ideas from the first film but I'm not complaining. It's one of my favourite soundtracks to a film. Kill me.

Anyway, I had a major crush on Kovu when I was younger. Yes, he's a lion but it's not all about looks guys, it's his PERSONALITY.

Fit.

Almost as attractive as this guy:

Oh Moses. His presence here is probably irrelevant but The Prince of Egypt has a straight-to-video prequel so there you go.

So, to summarise: nice film, lame ending, catchy tunes and an attractive animated lion. I give it 8.5/10 specifically. It mainly loses marks due to a complete overkill of fart jokes courtesy of Pumbaa and the killing off of a cool character who uses words like 'counterpoint' in her songs. I mean, counterpoint?! In a Disney song?! Wonderful.

Facial Review:

(that's deranged and nostalgic approval in case you couldn't tell)

[dvdeviants]

Snowglobe (2007)

Technically I don't think this film even went to DVD it went to TV but hey it's basically the same thing isn't it so I don't really care because this film is genuine gold. And when better to review a Christmas film than March. I just definitely couldn't wait. This film is the highlight of my Christmas. For the two years I have watched it at Christmas. One one of those Christmas channels that play Christmas movies like all day every day. Just GOOD GOD I REALLY LIKE THIS FILM.

Also, IMDB gives it a 5.8 rating- that's actually good like real good.

So Snowglobe is a Christmas film about Christmas and it has Christina Milian who is apparently in a whole bunch of well known stuff. Who knew? Was she the one who sung AM to PM or was that another Christina? Either way, I think we can all agree that she is a talented young lady. She was even in Family Guy!!! Well she wasn't in it, but you know. Oh wow this is really exciting, she was in a Bug's Life and Sister Sister Okay I take her actually seriously now.

Anyway. Snowglobe is the story of a girl called Angela who is Christina Milian and basically she really likes Christmas a whole lot, her family are all mental. Her mum is all like, 'yo girl you better get a man' and Angela's all like 'but momma I haven't even met Mr Right' and her mum is all like 'Well your sister's a pregger so you might wanna hurry it up' and Angela's all 'But momma I just wanna focus on my career or something' and momma's all like 'GUURL GET PREGNANT NOW OR WE'RE GIVING YOUR SISTER YOUR APARTMENT COS LIKE THRE'S NO ROOM IN HERS AND YOU DON'T EVEN NEED IT OR ANYTHING'

There's a whole load of stuff about her dad owning the building and selecting single men to move in and try it on with her or something.

Clearly, this is a bit of a problem. We all feel for Angela at this point. Then she gets a mysterious gift. Golly, what could it be???? 

It was a snowglobe.

But not just any snowglobe, this one for some reason which is forever unexplained transports Angela into a mystical Christmas land where she meets a hunk called Douglas and they exchange gifts such as mittens and earmuffs and it's all okay.

Obviously it's not all okay because it's a film so there's some twists and awkward moments and turmoil and laughter and tears and stuff but I don't want to give anything away because I believe everyone should watch this film even if it's springtime now.

Don't watch the trailer because it gives away some serious spoilers which I have been very careful to avoid in this review. It also portrays Snowglobe as being a love story- it is so very much more than that. It is everything. It is beautiful. Seriously people. I really like this film ok. Like a lot. Like probably an unhealthy amount by this point oh it's just great.

The people in Christmas town are really stupid and don't know anything about life except for Christmas which is nice for a bit but I don't really know why Christina Milian kept going there because you can only take so much of that however it's really good because there's this one house where you put a turkey in the oven and then a second later it's cooked and then you put another turkey in the oven oh wait you don't even actually need to put the turkey in, you just open the door and there it is, food. Just there and ready.

If you like Christmas films with a predictable but also quite good plot then this is certainly for you, if you like families who are all mean but overall realise the important message of family and holidays and stuff, then yeah. It's pretty heartwarming. I'm pretty sure I laughed out loud at one point as well. I just can't remember which point.

I really wanted to find a decent quote from this film but I couldn't because IMDB only has this one so I'm going to include it just for the hell of it:

Angela: Mmmm... it's like a Christmas tree, on fire.  Eddie: Egg nog and cinnamon schnapps, I'd figure it'd be right up your alley.  Angela: Feeling merrier already.  Eddie: You LIKE Christmas.  Angela: Haha, love it.  Eddie: To me, it's just stress. Looking for the perfect tree, perfect presents. Trying for some ideal you can never reach.  Angela: There is a perfect Christmas. I've seen it. 

Isn't that lovely? So, I give this film an actual 8 out of 10. I watched this film with several members of my family. Some of them loved it and some of the others said they wanted to die, but hey, you can't please everyone. I'll be watching this every year forever. 

My face, it says this.

[dvdeviants]

Road Trip: Beer Pong (2009)

   Now that we've all had enough time to process the riot that was 'You Did What?', it's now time to turn our attention to another straight-to-dvd modern classic. Are you sitting comfortably? Then let's review THE HELL OUT OF THIS MUTHAFLIPPA.

   Let us begin with the fact that this cinematic piece was directed by a man who goes by the name of Steve Rash. Yes, Steve Rash. Rash. This film certainly lives up to his name and reputation (Can't Buy me Love/Queen's Logic, anyone?). But hey, well done him for having a go. He is a more successful director than I'll ever be.

   So, anyway, plot. I suppose the plot is about Andy, a terminally dull 'leading man' (he's no Ed Kerr) who loves his longterm girlfriend and sends her lovely messages in song form to stoke the fire of their long-distance desire. More on this foot-tapping tune later (see 'In the Buff'). So far so good, he's at uni/college and has some chums and is generally living the dream. But wait, here comes the jeopardy; the glamorous world of BEER PONG beckons. It's a world inexplicably overrun with loose women, baps and all, running about worshipping men who can throw balls into cups like drunken circus seals. It's all a complete #YOLO lifestyle and Andy is sucked in by his pals. No girlfriends allowed in this laddy dreamworld so Katy (that's her name apparently, had to google it as she made such little impression on me) must go. Cue the *scream* ROAD TRIP! Andy is egged on to track down his Great White Buffalo (see 'Hot Tub Time Machine'), fake-french BEER PONG MODEL Jenna. This Jenna is a woman so hot in cardboard form that lovely Katy is dropped instantly like a cup of hot cheese. Let's go on an Arthurian quest to hunt this total babe down. Yeah she's gonna be at some tournament or something like that. Yeah, that'll do. There may even be a scene or two of actual beer pong gameplay if you're lucky.

   So off saunters Andy with his gang of fools - Ashton Kutcher Guy, Apparent Stoner Who Is Vaguely Attractive At Certain Points and Ethnic Clown. Oh man it's funny. They get in to sooooOoO many scrapes, mostly involving strippers and 'hot ladies' but it's all pretty standard fare and not worth getting into. Instead, let's focus on the hateful undercurrents!!!!!11!!!

   In the middle there, that's Arash who is commonly referred to as 'Ass Rash'. I like to see that as a reference to the director but no, it's just there 'cos foreign names are like, well funny and a main comedy trope. Fab stuff. Arash is a character created by the Rash god to secrete all of his bodily fluids in various comical ways between A and B during this epic journey whilst clowning about and uttering such classic lines as 'we eat goat testicles' when offered enchilladas by some woman who doesn't know 'what he is'. HAHAHAHA. Why did the actor agree to do this? Why, Danny Pudi, WHY? Did he think that the prejudice displayed in the film was going to ironic i.e. we're laughing at the racist/sexist/whatever comments rather than with them? Because as far as I'm aware, the target audience of a straight-to-dvd road trip 'comedy' sequel are not going to be the most enlightened. Maybe I'm wrong. Correct me, RT:BP fans! I see the audience for this film going 'lolol, he eats animal balls because he's foreign! Pmsl!'. Let's not even mention the phone sex scene in which Arash crashes a bus due to being chronically aroused by an Indian call-centre girl seducing him down the phone. SPOILER ALERT: he ends up working at the same call-centre with his temptress, isn't that nice?

   While we're on the subject of laughing at anyone who is not the master race (straight, white college men), let's not forget women. Aren't women silly? Just prancing about with their boobs perpetually out, becoming 'lesbians until graduation' (LUGs) because that is an option worth flinging approximately 4 minutes of airtime at and generally being detestable. However, there are exceptions to the detestable rule; girls who are 'good'. Girls who wear cardigans. Girls who are nice but walked all over. Girls who forgive the oafs in their lives for such things as leaving them for Fake-French-Beer-Pong models, or, in the case of Ashton Kutcher Guy's girl, enduring molestation while they sleep (this scene was just...I don't even...it was genuinelly horrible) and disregarding their belief in virginity for a spot of smoochiebonks in a bus. RT:BP knows that these girls are the keepers. The eye candy and pong-sluts are to be gawped at and forgotten. Because they are sluts. So it's all fine. But at least the viewer got a semi (sorry, RUDE).

   Anyway, I think I've taken this film way too seriously. It was a solid 3 out of 10 and had a redeeming feature in the form of this catchy little ditty, 'In the Buff':

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LM19u93ENZA

   You'll hate yourself for watching this film, but you'll be humming this for at least half an hour afterwards. To quote a fan on this youtube video, a Mr Jay Juan laments 'wtf...I luv d way when the hindu guy was masturbating while driving a bus...lmoa best movie ever'. I think we can all agree that, ironic or not, this statement sums up all we need to know about this masterful example of cinematography. Thank you Jay.

   This sequel probably shouldn't have been made because as a wise man called Ed Kerr once said, you:

Facial rating:

[dvdeviants]

You Did What? (2006)

Ed Kerr once said: You can't duplicate perfection. We don't know where, when, or for what reason.

Honestly, I'm struggling to write even a brief summary of the plot to You Did What?. I'm not 100% sure it actually had one- but if I'm pushed to try (and I am) then it went something like this:

Ashley, (Kathy Wagner, who was apparently in How High? and The Amanda Show (??)) and Charlie (Ed Kerr- what a leading man- commonly known for his roles in What I Like About You and Pretty Little Liars-[thank you IMDB)) have been together for a couple of years now, solid couple- but then suddenly Charlie's brother Greg (AJ Buckley- what a beautiful man. On a side note, I think that Charlie and Greg should swap names because Ed Kerr looks nothing like a Charlie and absolutely loads like a Greg. This is the first moment of anger this film gave me. Who would give AJ Buckley, the stunner, the name Greg? No offence to any Gregs out there, I'm sure some of you are pretty, but Charlie is a much prettier name, can we all agree? I'm digressing quite a lot but I felt it was also an important point) anyway Greg who is an actor in the film I mean his character is also an actor, there are scenes of Greg 'acting' for his mother- Greg announces he is engaged. This terrifies Charlie- you see he's afraid of marriage!!! Ashley, being a typical woman, is all like, so why aren't we married?? And stuff.

Then the characters get into all sorts of mishaps such as Ashley telling her parents that they are engaged causing Charlie to freak out even more! What a treat.

Anyway, the plot isn't really important- you'd think it maybe would be, but it doesn't really mean anything in this case. What's more important is the mischievous music that plays every time something mildly hilarious happens- it is useful because this way we are told that something hilarious is happening- believe me we need this tool. And apparently, this film is mischievous and hilarious the entire way through. Especially the part where Charlie's girlfriend takes him on some sort of Jeremy-Kyle-esque show to find out why he doesn't want to marry her- watch and learn ladies, this is the best way to get someone to marry you. Also Ashley looks like Katie Price which annoyed me too much to concentrate on most of the things that she did.

Let's all take a minute to appreciate AJ Buckley please.

The pivotal scene in this masterpiece is when the two main characters play air hockey, equipped with witty put-downs and sharp cuts to give this film almost a bit of production value- but the audience is still well aware that this scene is entirely useless yet the characters seem to feel the need to justify it by constantly referring back to it.

On a slightly unrelated (but apparently as justified as the air hockey scene, and about as pointless) Greg's fiancee Day used to do porn. Was this subplot an attempt to liven up the whole overall story? 

Well, it didn't work and nobody really cared.

There is also another subplot about Charlie and his slightly dopey but lovely friend getting an alcohol liscence. But there's a catch- the guy who has the power to give it to them is in love with Ashley!!!! And tells Charlie to break up with her!!!!! This is a genuine twist. It all works out fine. Do not worry.

The parents in this film are basically the worst people who just want everyone married but Charlie claims he's too young. He's quite clearly in his late thirties.

Don't be fooled by the trailer- it makes the film look a bit good. It's just reminding me how angering it all is. I mean, she just moves in with him. He doesn't even say it's OK. She's just there one day with a whole load of cuddly toys on his bed and then she makes him sleep on the sofa IN HIS OWN HOME when he gets annoyed. ARGHHH WOMEN.

I'm still not too sure why it's called You Did What?. You got engaged? You moved in there? You told your dad your boyfriend proposed when he didn't? You played air hockey for no reason whatsoever??

Still, it's worth it for AJ Buckley's eyes or to watch ironically.

Apparently, it's based on a true story- fair enough but not interesting enough to translate into film. I think I liked it a bit though. I'm not sure. It's all confused me a bit.

I'm giving it 5 stars out of 10 because I'm confused.

And here is what my face basically says.