easierreadthandone4711

[easierreadthandone4711]

Taking it all in ♥️

Today has been the day in which people are feeling comfortable enough to shed some light onto my short comings.

I’m not upset or offended. I took it in. I’m sitting with it and processing it. I take that back, I was offended for a moment. There was an implication that I wasn’t doing the footwork necessary to grow in one aspect of my life. They explained it away as it wasn’t intended to be taken that way but before the explanation I was sitting in it.

It hit me then that what others see is not the entirety of my reality and I cannot be bothered or offended by the implication because they don’t know. Nobody does.

Nobody can see the work I’m doing internally. You might see someone who is growing and healing and maybe it looks peaceful..but truth is, it��s a lot darker.

It’s scary, and uncomfortable.

Not even my sleep is safe. I’m so exhausted all the time and hearing from others “wow you look tired AF” is a nice jab to my esteem that I also get to deal with. Falling asleep comes easy on some days, especially those I gym on. Lately, however, I’ve not been able to fall asleep no matter how tired I am. Within the last few weeks, I have been waking up at 0300, restless and anxious. My arms and legs aching from the restlessness and my heart racing with anxiety. Some nights are so bad I’ve shed tears. So desperate to feel okay and get back to sleep. Relief may or may not come but it’s been a hurdle as of late. The last couple of days, I haven’t been able to put myself to sleep until 0300 which is NOT helping how I feel during the day. Full effort at the gym isn’t happening and my brain feels so fuzzy.

This brain dead feeling has been tearing me up as I do my best to study and get what I need to get done, done. It doesn’t feel like I’m retaining anything and even more so, like I don’t understand simple concepts.

My emotional responses and flare ups have become unpredictable. Why am I so hurt? So angry? So sad? There’s so much coming to the surface as I work through this healing process and some of the emotions I’ve carried since I was a child. Although it may feel discouraging, as if I haven’t overcome these things, I’m grateful that I’m dealing with it at all, as many of us have become masters of stuffing our feelings down.

Feeling like my dreams for my future are collapsing as I work through all of this is a common thought lately that I have to really talk myself out of. To convince myself I AM on the right path and that this journey IS worth it to me.

With all of this in mind, I’m still showing up. I’m still working my fast pace, high stress full time job. I’m still prioritizing my three little birds and doing my best to create the safest space for them. Somewhere they feel love and heard. I still make it to the gym 5-6 times a week AND study 3-4 times a week before going into work. I’m still here and I’m still trying. I’m doing my fuxkin best.

I’m not looking for sympathy through this post, this was a post for myself. I am not okay, I’m hurting. A lot. And I’m still here, I’m still working through it and I’m still trying. Not breaking, just bending a little. The bounce back will be powerful, I know this because this shit isn’t without resistance. Science ✨

[easierreadthandone4711]

18 Essays in..

I really should follow through with the things I say I'm going to do. I definitely intended on sharing books I've been reading and I haven't done it since the Glass Castle and that was so many Once upon a times ago.

Anyways, today I'm reflecting on a book I started a couple weeks ago called 101 Essays That Will Change the Way You Think. I was hesitant to start this book, as most self help books have all become variations of the last, I did not want to waste my time. I opened it up to the table of contents as the tester.

Essay #1 - Subconscious Behaviors That Are Keeping You From Having the Life You Want.

If you know me, you know that I do not find things to be coincidence. Hi, hello, I am keeping me from what I want, help me.

Essay #2 - The Psychology of Daily Routine

Your girl loves routine. The self gratification of getting my shit done is chef's kiss. Consistency and improving myself? I'm all about it. It calms my anxiety so much when I have a plan or an agenda set out for myself. Does it cause stress sometimes? Sure, but light a fire under my ass and I'll get it done. You think I wanna disappoint myself more? No way. Lets get shit done.

I was sold on the book and would've thrown my money at said salesperson had I not been purchasing it on Audible. Immediately, I began to listen.

I hit essay 18 (10 key things we misunderstand about emotions) pretty quickly. I was hooked and felt like all the information I was getting was slipping through my fingers. I'm the person who loves to take notes, really seal in the information with my hands, eyes and regurgitation. You can't do that with audiobooks and damn you modern day conveniences for it. I kid, but I still I needed to find a way to retain everything I was learning. I decided to share it with those closest to me. What better way than to speak about it?

After hounding a handful of friends about it, one responded with a PDF of the book. The way my heart skipped a beat. Over a PDF? Yeah - I planned on printing it out and starting over from essay 1 with room for notes but then, another friend came in to save the day. She ordered not only herself a paperback copy but one for me as well. When I say I'm grateful for my friends, it is not for the moments like this that I gained something from them. It is because of who they are.

The first friend being tech savvy and knows his way around the internet was like, this book sounds interesting, how do I get my hands on it? Bam. Done. The second friend with the same eagerness to get her hands on the book was like, this sounds like I'm going to be taking notes - she also know that I'm like that as well and without even asking me, with her big ass heart just hit the add to cart button twice and blessed me with one as well.

They both shared the same passion I had, to really dig into themselves and start moving in the directions that we would like to in life. No egos, no skepticism, just humility and willingness.

Anyways, I wanted the rest of you to know about this book, just in case you might be looking inward too. I'll leave you with a couples pieces from the book.

In short, routine is important because habitualness creates mood, and mood creates the "nurture" aspect of your personality, not to mention that letting yourself being jerked around by impulsiveness is a breeding ground for everything you essentially do not want.

Chapter 2, The Psychology of Daily Routine - 101 Essays that will Change the Way You Think

Feeling lost is actually a sign you're becoming more present in your life-you're living less within the narratives and ideas that you premeditated and more in the moment at hand.

Chapter 6 Uncomfortable Feelings that actually Indicate you're on the Right Path - 101 Essays that will Change the Way You Think

[easierreadthandone4711]

Let it go..

I love the sauna. Feeling everything seeping out of my pores and the wave of relief that hits your body when you walk out. The sweetest cleanse.

It seems to be a shedding season for me. Saying good bye and letting go is this seasons lesson. It’s hard to say good bye to people you love or care about. Especially when it truly has nothing to do with them.

Emotionally, I’m okay.. I’m managing. Mentally, im struggling. I’m not in danger ⛔️ just to stop that thought. I’m struggling because I see where I need work, it’s overwhelming to see what’s ahead. I’m doing my best to use how much I’ve already conquered to keep me going. To keep that fire blazing. Again, not in danger. I’m not giving up, that much I know. However, I can feel my energy levels are a bit spread thin as I navigate through all of it.

I haven’t been to the gym in a week and even though you’d think that drains my energy … okay physically it does BUT mentally and emotionally, it’s such a recharge and fuxk did I need this.

After destroying some muscles and getting a sick pump - I’m in the sauna and letting it go. The pain, the strain, the sadness, the worry, the guilt - I’m letting it go. Carrying it isn’t helping. I’m sitting in it and then I’m leaving it there.

I cried a lot last night and was incredibly disappointed in myself. I think I’m almost done letting go of the expectations I held over myself so that I might focus on what’s in front of me currently. To excel in this moment. Right here. Right now.

To anybody I’ve had to ‘let go’ of recently, just know that it wasn’t you. It was never you. But you deserve so much more than I can give right now and I care too much to allow you to settle for less.

[easierreadthandone4711]

Rainy Days

I love when the weather matches the vibe.

Last night was a quiet and humbling evening. I've been studying in attempts to learn a new skill set and where I had once felt confident, felt ripped from under me. You know nothing Jon Snow.

Personally - humiliating.

What a strong emotion to come from something that nobody is actually aware of. Why would I feel humiliated? Typically, humiliation would occur in a more public setting but just because that is more common, does not mean the other doesn't exist. With social anxiety already being a factor - you can imagine how annoying this is to feel humiliated...by myself. So - I began to think about the word humiliated. I read once that you should consider the words you use to describe your feelings because more so than you would think, its not the right word. I broke down the word humiliation because I must be using the wrong word.

Humiliated, made to feel a painful loss of pride, self-respect, or dignity; deeply embarrassed or put to shame.

At first glance I think, that's silly. Wrong word. Clearly.

-----

Typically, my evenings are relatively lively. My work shift ends at 2000, not super late but late and if you know how that goes then you understand how much there is to do before bed, despite it being "bedtime". For example, Tuesday nights I have an online class AT 2000. I am jumping in while I am clocking out and walking to my car. Tuning in on my drive and doing my best to stay focused as I get out of my uniform, settled in. Sounds simple enough but I am also a mom. Moms out there know, you don't actually get that time to decompress when you come in, right? The greetings start at the door, sometimes accompanied by questions or requests as if you didn't just get home. Having yet to reach my bedroom - dinner is usually the next topic. Once decisions are made and I make it into my room to really settle into class, the first little bird comes in to go through their day events, then the second and always the third. Sometimes they just come in to see how my day was, which I'm grateful they even think twice about me like that. Yes, I have let them know I'm in class, no this does not deter them and damnit when it comes down to it they're a world of more importance than any class to me. So I listen. Also, I am stupid confident about the class and have yet to not understand the lesson so I'm Gucci. Then we eat, watch something together and hang out until I can't keep my eyes open any longer.

However - yesterday was not a typical Tuesday.

If you've read this far and are expecting a grand finale then let me stop you right here. This ends so anticlimactically I almost feel guilty writing about it. Also, I'm going to keep writing. Sorry not sorry.

Last night at work there was a delay which caused the schedule to shift a bit. Not too horribly, as I was still able to chime into class to at least listen. It was then that I first noticed how quiet my phone was being. Typically, when I'm in my class I have a few friends who will start messaging a bit more, either because they're off work or they know I am but not this time. I took it as a mini gift from the universe, grateful for the opportunity to just focus on the class. On the drive, totally following the class because duh, I already know this. My brain must've relaxed a bit too much. I got home and was welcomed by the grankittens. No little birds, no dinner talk. I received hellos but with no questions or requests I made my way to my room, excited and eager that I might actually get to focus. I quickly get settled in and a little bird shows up. No big deal, I already know the stuff they're talking about. She didn't stay long, gave a little recap and left. Refocus to my class - I am lost. They're throwing a term around that I've never heard and it throws me off completely. I wanted to ask for clarification but for all I know, they literally just explained it and I missed it. I don't want to annoy the educator or the other students so I sat in silence for the rest of the class, hoping to figure out what they're talking about on my own. Class ended and there I am, sitting in silence in my room. No little birds, no texts, no tv, no music or audiobook, just myself and my thoughts.

How on earth did I have all this opportunity for class tonight and this be the night I feel so lost? You know who prevented me from understanding tonight's class? Myself. I've been overly confident, laxed and unfocused.

Humiliated.

We are our own worst critics and I did refrain from beating myself up too harshly but there was a loss of pride, absolutely my self respect and was ashamed. I had to really sit in this when everything was silent. You know, nights are the hardest when you're going through it and I had zero distractions.

Growth moment: There is no point in tearing myself apart over this, the only way this is fixed is to act on it. I need to be better and intentional and follow through with focusing on the work in front of me. I'm grateful for the moment of silence the universe had gifted me, even though I wasn't able to walk away from class feeling great. I was able to hone in on what need to be done with no interruptions or distractions and because of that, I get to grow a bit more.

[easierreadthandone4711]

Good News.

The good news is - I'm still here.

A lot has happened since my last post. It was a season of loss and in many ways I am still grieving it all. It was really beginning to feel like everything was burning to the ground and I am grateful that even through ashes there is growth to be had.

I visited my family back home for a bit and being near my mother gave me the opportunity to finally feel the loss of my cousin. It was nice to be around somebody who knew how close we were and how much he meant to me. I realized that was necessary for my healing to begin.

When I would tell people that I lost my cousin, I was met with others perspectives on the term 'cousin'. I've always been aware that people have different family dynamics, some close, some estranged, and some HATE their own family members. This was not brought o my attention because I was unaware but because the way people responded to my pain with their own personal takes on the matter.

"Oh I'm sorry - I don't even talk to my cousin(s)." Usually followed up with why they don't like them or would let me into some family tea that had taken place which eventually led to little to no contact with their cousins.

Turns out, speaking to people who couldn't relate, was not helpful to my grieving process. It made me sad to hear about it but also made me so grateful that I had someone like him in my life.

He was someone who was kind to me, and as simple as that sounds - you know its hard to come by. He stood up for me when the older kids were picking on me - even when he was an older kid too. I remember thinking how brave he was to stand up to the kids his age and be kind to me anyways. In fact, his older brother was the same way. These two had the biggest hearts and within my family, I would say that can be difficult as we all had to build some tough shells to protect ourselves with. Yes, I used the word had, we had just recently lost his big brother too.

Their mother was military so I rarely got to see them but they would write to me from wherever they were and that made me feel so special growing up. How can these people, exploring the world, even think twice about me, let alone take the time to sit down and write to me? How loved I must be. On occasion, they would get to come home for holidays and it never felt like anything less than love around them. As a fly on the wall, you would've never guess how long it had been since the last time we'd seen each other.

Such a long winded way to say - when I was finally near someone who understood the pain I was feeling, it felt like I was finally feeling it for the first time. He really is gone.

There's a void now - and all I can do is fill it with memories and gratitude for having him at all. After all, not everyone was lucky enough to have him as a cousin.

-------

I had another goodbye looming over me.

The break up I went through wasn't some exploding toxic ordeal. It wasn't like any break up I've been through before. There was still a tremendous amount of love that existed within it. I really had to look within myself and outside of myself. I needed to refocus the big picture, looking at us as selflessly as I possibly could.

I mentioned before a lie that occurred. The context is so irrelevant when it comes down to what the damage actually came down to. First, we look inward. Using phrases like "triggered" or "trust issues" has gained such an insincere reputation as its become an overly used excuse for people who don't actually intend on putting effort into healing themselves. I'm here though and I'm trying.

I'm not going to deep dive into my adolescence but I'll sum it all up to say I did not feel emotionally safe as a child or that I could rely on those that children so deeply need to be ABLE to rely on. There's trust and security that those have to be able to provide in order for a child to walk with a sense of self worth and confidence.

How lucky I would be to find someone who saw me. They didn't see see me - they heard me. Whether I was recanting my day or a childhood story, there was never a need to explain my actions or feelings. They understood, they empathized, and even more so, they loved me regardless. They thought I was a pretty cool hooman and for once, I didn't feel like a burden. I felt wanted, like they truly wanted me to be a part of their life. I started to love myself. Like maybe, I'm not so worthless after all.

Of course, being the hoomans we are and the need for balance in the universe, some bad times had to come around too.

The feeling of being a burden crept back in and I felt like what I had added to their life was nothing good.

My intentions were pure. I was also trying to protect myself after a couple of familiar red flags had shown their faces.

*side note*

pausing that thought here because this person is not a bad person. the term 'red flag' has come to imply some toxicity in a person but realistically, we all have some unappealing traits and you find someone who "icks" work with yours. silly example: chews with mouth open. (reminder, its an example) your ex chewed with their mouth open and cheated on you and chaos heartbreak blah blah blah. fast forward, new boo is amazing and you notice they chew with their mouth open as well. does it mean they will cheat too? no. just an icky behavior that you're not a fan of and last you encountered this behavior, it escalated to something worse. so you take a lil inventory.. okay all is great but I'm not ignoring the behavior. taking note of it if you will. Stay with me you guys. It was a silly example but all I am trying to say is that they were not doing horrible things, red flag should've ran away type of things. Their behaviors were triggering things from my past.

So! I went from feeling secure, loved and worthy to unsure, hopeful and unworthy. Within my own spiraling, I could only make sense of these things happening because obviously I don't matter. People don't hurt people they care about.

Guess who's been on her healing path for years? This girl. Thought stopping is the game and your girl is mediocre.

Healing climb from said spiral: Nobody is perfect and I can recognize that their intentions were not of those from my past. In fact, there is no doubt in my mind that they love me. Truly and deeply. This I know.

Fast forward to the lie, its discovery and how the thought gained volume and harshness.

Still, I know they love me.

Except now, I'm scared, I don't feel safe, and more importantly - where's our growth. We are declining and doing so fast. I started to look at their daily schedule and challenges, I looked at mine - we were sitting in it. We were sitting in this hole hoping to get the other one out and with each effort we ended up deeper inside.

My love tank was officially empty and I was growing so resentful. Resentful towards them but mostly myself. Why aren't I strong enough to be there the way they need me? Why can't I shut my brain up? Why can't I just be enough? Looking inward - complete. I have so much more healing to do, more than I thought and I don't want to hurt them in the process.

Then - outward. Those goals we both have. The idea is there and yet the footwork is lacking. The footwork wasn't happening but not because of laziness or unawareness. It wasn't happening because emotionally we are both so damn tapped out and both have some healing and growing to do, for our own separate reasons...and as much as I wish we could have done this together, we were only hurting each other more.

They might actually disagree with me but I know my anger and triggers that I was dealing with were coming out on them and I couldn't live with that guilt. I need to get my shit straight in I expect to have a fighting chance at love.

Its a weird breakup when there is still so much love involved.

It was becoming a risk of losing them fully and at very least, I’m certain the universe didn’t place them in my life for nothing. I had to step back. For me, for them and for any chance at holding onto what I know is certain, the love.

Maintaining a friendship has been far from easy. Not really sure how to go about it but all I can do is try and hope I made the right decision. They seem to be doing well and that’s all the confirmation I need.

Through this I was able to make a few new friends in unexpected places. They’ve shown me kindness and have been encouraging while I find my way again.

Some have helped me in my journey to connect with my roots and culture. It’s been soul awakening and I’m grateful for everything that has brought me to this place. I have end of year goals I would like to reach and that’s my main focus. Looking towards the universe and my ancestors for guidance. Looking towards my inner circle for patience and love.

Looking inward and outward with gratitude.

Sorry for the novel - it’s been an emotional roller coaster.

[easierreadthandone4711]

Dear Self,

It has been one HELL of a new year. It really knocked you on your ass and while sitting in that darkness you realized you lost a lot more than you initially thought.

There was a loss of trust in someone. That one dug deep. Lies aren't given enough weight sometimes. Its a simple or insignificant lie, that seems like it will never catch up to them but the universe has its own design so when it did catch up to them, it was you who was sitting in the moment of isolation. The one who didn't know the truth. How long had you been standing alone in that? Over a year. Is there more? "There's nothing else" They said they weren't doing anything that would hurt you - but doesn't the lie count? The lie hurt.

There was the loss of a family member. You lost him and the world stopped. You heard how he died and the world went silent. You could feel the ground rising above you as you sank into the new world that exists without him. It doesn't have the same brightness of the old world. Every loss you've felt sheds a layer of brightness.

The country froze over for a moment and you did your best to keep the home warm...you kept the physical home warm.

It was your three little birds that showed up again to warm your home. They came and huddled into your room, bringing all the love and laughter they could. They kept those tears from turning into waterfalls. They presented to you the biggest thing you had lost.

Yourself.

This time around I know the hole you retreated to seems deeper than the last but it isn't. This time you have more tools and wisdom in your belt. Your birds flew from room to room showing you, reminding you, of everything you had provided and accomplished thus far. You know what you need to do. You've done it before. The gratitude and grace you need to show yourself is going to be your biggest hurdle but you've forgiven others for much worse, you can forgive yourself too. You have no choice because if you do not forgive yourself, you will never grow into the person you want to be. Punishing yourself is only going to numb the pain, it won't get rid of the actual problem.

You need to refocus. Bring the routine back and feel that pain in the gym again. Where you can visually see the progression and strength you're gaining. Hit the charts and continue to contribute to the legacy you're already building.

You have to do this. You and only you can make this happen. You've lost enough, no more losing opportunities.

Do the right thing - the good karma will receive you and it'll help the rough patches in life feel that much more balanced. Those who want to continue doing the wrong things have their own paths of difficulties they will have to overcome, all you can do is control your own steps forward. Standing still is not an option so keep going.

Love Always,

Me <3

[easierreadthandone4711]

Forever Tested

You ever feel like life likes to test you? Maybe a little targeted? I can recognize the lessons I need to learn and habits I need to unlearn. Sometimes I feel like I make steps forward in these moments and then.. the universe hits me with another opportunity to fall apart.

Any good instructor would check in with a student to make sure they’re retaining the information, maybe a pop quiz or asked to regurgitate what was just said.. and if nothing else, I continue to learn from the universe and the way it’s works through us. But damn. Your girl is tired and like a child a tantrum is coming.

I find it most infuriating when you share your trauma and triggers with someone, and they get it. They truly seem to understand your pain and reassure you that they would never hurt you like that.

Until they fuckin do.

There you are sitting there wondering how that happened. You communicated that such a thing would bother you..they communicated that they understood. Is this intentional? Could a person really be so cold hearted as to obtain the information about your weaknesses and decide to use it against you? In this state of anger and confusion, I try to take a step back and figure out what I’m supposed to learn from this.

I’m just not sure anymore, and it’s making me wonder if that’s just it. It’s not meant for me. The universe giving me all the signs to see clearly.

But they’re sorry, they weren’t TRYING to hurt me, they didn’t mean to, they’ll work on it OR the real kicker - they’ll NEVER do it again. Spoiler alert, they do.

Nobody’s perfect and I am far from as well… so I give them the benefit of the doubt. I can recall the love and safety I felt at some point, regardless of that secure feeling disappearing. At one point, I felt it. So I reach for that, I yearn for it, I want it back. So I stay.

This is such a big problem for me. I really do stay in situations longer than I should.

If you’re wondering how it’s been going… the end of 2023 was a lonely one. I couldn’t wait to be home. 2023 couldn’t be over fast enough.

I welcome 2024 with hope in my heart. I returned home and my world felt bright again. I literally looked at the sky like I hadn’t seen it in months. Surrounded by my people again, my things, my comforts. With my familiars nearby, I was even offered a better work schedule and received a raise. It sounds like a great start doesn’t it? Only one problem.

Me.

I would like to preface this with how grateful I am for the positive changes that came my way. I’m truly in shock. Almost scared. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. However, my birthday is in 12 days and my birthdays are a cruel reminder of a life I used to have. A love I used to feel. To avoid sinking into that feeling I focus on what I can do better with this new year of life I’ve been given. What can I do better? I feel so lost. Am I where I want to be? Literally and figuratively. Looking at homes in different places I would like to live, and daydreaming of going back to school. Reality puts a stop to all that - I need money and like I mentioned I just got another raise.. finding a new job to match that income is not a thing. Luckily I get to move with my job - but where? Am I running because I feel lost? Or am I starting my search for what I really want? I’m not sure anymore and the way my relationship has me feeling lately has amplified the need to run.

Y’all - hold onto your butts cuz I don’t know where this train is going.

[easierreadthandone4711]

Days Off

"...but all I ever took away from therapy was a somewhat clearer understanding of how messed up I was." - John Moe, The Hilarious World of Depression

I had expectations for my days off. The work week didn't end badly, even though a co worker of mine left a nasty taste in my mouth after speaking poorly about my work ethic to another co worker. The work load was easy and I was able to get a lot of reading done.

The Glass Castle by Jeanette Walls has me triggered and infuriated. I won't spoil books here but when I say the parents have me feeling some type of way...smh. Its been a great read though and I can safely say my oldest is also my literary twin.

I haven't mentioned her yet but I made a new friend here in Nantucket, she works with me currently and has been such a godsend for me. I'm not even sure she realizes how vital her taking me under her wing has been. For my first day off I woke up early with an optimistic attitude and ready to get things done. The front desk was finally having someone come fix the heater after days of freezing at night - while he was fixing I planned to go to the store to grab laundry necessities and food for the upcoming week. I would return and go to the gym, update my blog and get some studying done.

Ten AM came and went with no maintenance man in sight so I called the front desk and asked them if I needed to be here while he fixed it, they said no. I was only slightly annoyed that I was beginning my day later than I had planned but, shxt happens and I still had the whole day ahead of me so no big deal - nothing is fucked.

The prices out here are crazy and every grab off the shelves made me sick thinking about the total cost going up. Shockingly, the laundry items were cheaper than I expected and I was grateful for it. Typically, I don't purchase items like that at grocery stores, as the cost is much higher.

When I returned, the heater was fixed and I filled up my mini fridge. Things were moving swimmingly until I realized I did not have a working battery for one of my devices. I managed to find a store with a cheap one thankfully - but there those dollar signs were again. I do want to clarify that I am not in a pinching pennies situation, however, as a government employee, the shutdown would effect my paycheck and to make sure all will continue being taken care of, I've been extra cautious about spending.

Unfortunately, all of this pushed into what would have been my gym time and I moved onto the next items on the list that I needed to take care of. I cracked open a black berry cider, made some turkey sliders and popped open my work laptop to finish enrolling myself and my kiddos onto my insurance.

There it was, an email stating I owe a very unexpected amount to the travel card issued by work. I gathered all of the statement/payment records and the notebook where I keep track of all my purchases and payments.

**Side note - there's a store in Boston called Muji and it was like stationary heaven to me. Other writers get it. Pens, planners, and these notebooks that hit like butter to my brain and I just cannot get enough. I have about a dozen of their notebooks, I would have more but I gifted my children and a couple friends with one their own. Giving the gift of a space for their thoughts <3 Just to reiterate, Muji, in Boston, chefs kiss.

**continuing..

I realized that when I made the discovery of these notebooks, I transferred over my bills/finances from old spiral notebook of lesser quality. Best decision ever, or so I thought. Normally I make sure to copy all the past entries so that I have no need to refer back to the old books but for whatever reason I did not do that this time. I was shxt out of luck and I was not going to be able to cross check my records with theirs. Its fine, I assured myself, just another change in plans today, I am going to audit the bit myself from day one, starting from May 24th. The new notebook begins in August so I figured, easy peezy. All is well, nothing is fxcked and I'll figure it out.

I finished out May and June expenses and prepared myself to compare mine to theirs - except, when I went to do so, I see that the earliest payment was in early July and I paid a couple hundred short of the actual amount I should have paid. There it was, the beginning of my spiral.

What did I do? How did I miss that many expenses when I reviewed them in June? How could I be that stupid? This is basic fxcking math - you fuxcking idiot. There you going being the cause of your bullshxt again. What were you thinking?! I can only imagine what the rest of the months look like. You probably owe the whole amount and more you fxcking idiot. How do you expect to make the next move for the kids if you can't even get your fxcking math right?! Math they could do. You call yourself a mother. You're just one fxck up after the other. It sickening the way they deserve better and they ended up with you.

Writing this out is troublesome because I sound really mean to myself. Sounds like a lot but in that moment, the glimmer of light I had began the day with was gone and I was once again the worthless waste of space again that can't do anything right.

I made a payment towards the card, closed my laptop, shut the lights off and turned on a random movie on Netflix. I sank into my bed telling myself it was okay and I'd be able to figure this out, Afterall, I've been through much worse than this, right? The gentle voice that I'd been working on was backed into a corner, the winds from the spiral holding her down. Numbers and images of the kids swirling around, slapping her around and making sure she stayed down, quiet. No, you don't get to talk yourself up for this one, stupid. So fxcking undeserving. You have one job and you're failing.

The movie came and went, unamused, I clicked play for the next distraction to begin. Didn't make it to the gym, didn't read, didn't blog... more than half my day gone, wasted. It brought me even lower. A few silent tears made their way to my pillow case, in those moments I focused even harder on the movies. This shapeless, colorless, invisible feeling was pulling me down deeper and deeper.

A knock at the door came, it was my new friend. She said she wanted to check on me before going to her room. I hadn't mentioned to her how I was feeling but in that moment, it didn't matter how she knew, I was being pulled back up for air and I wasn't going to fight it. I explained a little bit about the email and my discovery. She said, "you hungry?" I said yes and she gave me 30 minutes to get ready.

Dinner was nice, we spoke about football and the food in front of us. We remained present in that moment and that allowed my gentler self to get up and say it once more, it's going to be okay.

Depression doesn't work that way though, does it? As the book calls us "saddies", y'all get it, the saddies get it.

I played trivia with my babies until I couldn't see my phone screen straight anymore and then I fell asleep, hard. I'm not sure what startled me up this morning but I knew it was going to be a day of convincing myself to get out of bed. Don't worry, I made it out - lucky for me, feeling my body fat rolling around in bed is enough to disgust myself and I got up to prep for the gym. But first, my coffee.

While sipping on my coffee and scrolling through the social scene, I ran into memory lane. A video of my oldest saying good bye to her little brother, it was the first day of kinder. From behind the camera, I ask her if she's going to miss her brother - its quick and easy to miss, but I spotted it just then. A breath in, glossy eyed and a clenched jaw you can barely see because her cheeks are so round, a breath out, she nods and says "yeah". Her little brother looks to her with puckered fish lips for a kiss and they say good bye. The video ends there but the memory continues to play out...hand in hand, we begin walking towards her classroom. I ask her if she's ready, her expression scrunches into her serious face and her hand goes a little tighter. "Yes." she says it with conviction. I ask her if she's nervous, the scrunch gets tighter, so does her little hand. "No." I said okay, and gave promises of a fun day. I knew she was nervous, I could see the battle being fought in her eyes. She fought hard to keep that courage on her face and I wasn't going to let her know that I knew it was all a facade. I would never let her know that she didn't really succeed in hiding her fears, she needed to know she won that battle so that she would feel ready to take on what was up ahead. I held my own tears back that day because I needed her to know that I knew she had everything she needed to win that day. My tears would singlehandedly ensure that we would both lose the inner battles.

There was no gym today. I gave myself some grace and rested from the battle I have been fighting for so long. The wars that go for years hit different you know? My babies are strong for me, and I have to be too, for them. So this entry is serving as evidence I did SOMETHING today, even if it was more for healing purposes than productivity.

[easierreadthandone4711]

Day 4 in Nantucket

The hormones have quieted their rage, this post should be less emotional.

During my stay in Boston this summer I met a handful of people that I hope to know forever. It was an all female deployment for the summer - 55 of us to be exact. I’ll be honest, hearing all females was a bit concerning for me but the friendships I formed were more than I imagined I’d gain.

In the beginning I had been paired up with someone and we will call her E for her privacy’s sake. We clicked pretty quickly and E wasted no time showing me the ropes, as it was my first deployment for work. She will never understand how grateful I am for her and the way she put my nerves at ease. For weeks it was her and I, wandering around in target or total wine and more. Sharing stories and trying samples - we made plans for our summer ahead. Her family was coming and without even meeting me they had welcomed me in all their plans. I couldn’t wait, I love an adopted family ♥️ we each had a week back at home coming up and for whatever reason, o was struck with the fear that I wouldn’t see her again, as if she weren’t coming back. Her week at home was first, I managed to survive because the folks at work were amazing and kept me company. She came back and it was my turn. Sure enough, while at home, she informs me her orders have changed and she is reporting back at home for good. She would not be returning to Boston. This change would happen after I came back so I was grateful to have the chance to say goodbye. Just like that, our plans were cancelled. Shortly after she told me about her changed orders, I was informed I would be moving to a later shift in a different area. I was getting anxious all over again. I had finally found some peace and it was being ripped from under me. I knew this was always a possibility - changes like this are not unheard of. In fact, it why they encourage us not to make plans too far out, as you never know what’s coming up.

When I returned to Boston and I had to take E’s word for it that I would be okay. She’s been on the road much longer than I have and she hadn’t steered me wrong yet.. I tried to be positive but inside, I was panicking. As I’ve mentioned before.. my abandonment issues run deep and although this wasn’t her choice to “abandon” me, it was a loss of comfort and support for me. I was almost angry I had allowed myself to get as close with her as I did. Why bother forming friendships? I decided then that I would keep folks at arms length and just focus on work. E and I had one last hoorah at the local casino 🥲 after losing our money we headed back to the hotel and ate and laughed until I woke in my room the next morning. I don’t remember making it back to my room, I could only remember us laughing which made me so sad.

I was starting my new shift and I was more than nervous. Before this change, it was only E and I at our location… this time, I would be with at least a dozen other females that I had yet to meet.

The work gods were really watching out for me because then I met a dozen more people that now have special places in my heart.

One in particular, we will be referring to her as A. Within minutes of meeting each other, we were laughing and roasting each other. More so me roasting her but she played along with it well and I knew we were going to get along just fine. We began making plans and sharing stories of our lives back at home. I’m not sure we were apart except to sleep In our own rooms at night. We visited Salem .. probably three times… got tattoos in Rhode Island together and I even got to meet her best friend from back home (who was as amazing as A was). We were even moved locations AGAIN together, because our boss saw that we had bonded, so she made sure to relocate us together. Forever grateful for boss lady 🙌🏾 The end of our deployment crept up pretty quickly, quicker than I imagine and though we were both ready to be home, I know we both were bumming that we wouldn’t be with each other anymore.

Rumors of extensions were looming over us which made us nervous. It had already been four months away from home so neither of us wanted to stick around but IF an extension were to come, I hoped we would at least have each other, though neither of us wanted it for the other either. We squished as many activities as we could into our last moments together and I know we were both exhausted but we had no time to spare anymore.

Here I am, months later and we still speak, if not daily, we only miss a few days without speaking. She’s literally across the country.. we are as far apart as we possibly could be 🥲 but we have decided to do our own little book club ♥️ yes, another book worm like me.

As a reader of this blog, you should expect book reviews coming your way and hey, if you wanna join along, here’s the first book A and I will be diving into.

[easierreadthandone4711]

Shark Week

It’s about that time for my uterus to start torturing me, reminding me that I am not carrying a child inside. I know this, not only because of my calendar but because my emotions just shifted from sad girl to don’t fxckin try me. This usually lasts only a day thankfully, otherwise I’m just a sensitive girly. I think the most embarrassing time was tearing up from a bounty paper towel commercial.. it’s a problem to say the least.

Truly, I think my period serving as a reminder that I’m without child just brings my ass down. I have three babies, two angel babies and I’m still bumming over this monthly reminder? Yes. If there was anything I was certain about, it’s that I am supposed to be a mom. The silly part is getting bummed out as if I’ve even had the sex to make one. 🥲 #sadgirl for life I guess. When am I not a sad girly? When I’m with my babies. Every month, it’s the same thought: do I really wish I were pregnant? Yes. Every. Damn. Month.

I’ll be honest, I’m not even someone who “enjoyed” being pregnant. I didn’t hate it either, however, the hurdles I went through made it difficult to say “I love being pregnant”.

I miscarried the first time I got pregnant, and almost died after having my first. Two blood transfusions were needed, officially putting me in a “high risk” category after an antibody was found. My youngest was the smoothest pregnancy and labor I had. I imagine she’s the reason I’m so confidently ready to keep having babies.

The flutter that turns into kicks is definitely a highlight of all my pregnancies. I would play with my babies while they were in there, a little game of tag if you will. I would tap on different parts of my belly and wait for their response. I spoke to them all the time. Little did they know, they were becoming my best friends. There was never a time I felt alone while I was pregnant, they were as present to me as if they were out of my body already. “Good morningggg” “What are we going to eat?” “You know what you need to try, your grandfathers veal piccata” “Sorry that was so loud, it’ll quiet down again soon” I feel like my hand never left my belly.

When I say I was SAD when they were out of my body… oof. The loneliness I felt. Now I had to share them with this horrible world and this world doesn’t deserve them. The maternal instincts had kicked in when I saw the positive sign on the stick to protect them but it amplified in ways I never imagined. A trip to the grocery store was scarier than it used to be. I can’t trust the drivers around me, everything is filthy, I don’t want them getting sick, every stranger was a potential danger to my baby and it was overwhelming at times. Getting gas? Stepping out of the car with them inside of it, you’d see me making silly faces or waving into the window. “Mommy is still hereeeee - you’re not alone”

Frankly, I don’t think that feeling has gotten any better. They’re ranging from 12-15 years old now and the fact that I can’t be with them every moment leaves a constant reel of ‘things that can go wrong’ playing in my head. Are their peers being kind to them? Are their teachers treating them with respect? Don’t worry, I’m not irrational in any of this. I realize my kiddos have to grow into themselves and this society we live in today and they need to do that their own ways. I can only hope that if they find themselves in a situation where they are unsure how to move, they’ll reach out to me.

I’ll never be able to understand the neglectful parents, The abusive parents, The absent parents - never ever. When I look at my children, there’s not a damn thing I wouldn’t do to keep them happy healthy and safe. Not one fxcking thing. Our babies are born and as a mother, you’re literally their lifeline. You’re it. You’re the one responsible to love them and take care of them. I’m not going to dismiss fathers here but let’s be realistic and admit that there’s something about the bond between a mother and her child. The baby felt you first, they heard you first, their heartbeat started in you. That’s something NOBODY else in the world can say they have except that mother and that child.

Post partum depression is a struggle in itself. Not only did you spend the last nine months growing a life inside of you but now your beautiful baby is here and for some reason you’re not okay. Then you blame yourself. 😓 I should be happy. I should be over the moon in love with my baby. I’m already a bad mom, I’m not even happy. The guilt, the shame and the doubt that inserts itself creates such a dark shadow over you. The baby is crying and you sit there staring off or maybe you cry too. If by chance you’ve dealt with this before, or maybe dealing with it currently, please know, there’s nothing wrong with you. Give yourself some grace as your body just went through something truly traumatic. You did not just deliver a pizza, you grew a life inside of you, managed to bring them into this world - THAT in itself is incredible, as many women who were unable to do so can probably tell you the same, it’s not easy for some. Be proud of yourself, even if just for this moment right here as you read this. Be proud of yourself. You made it this far and you and baby are gonna grow with each other, into this new life together. The life before them doesn’t exist anymore, it’s not supposed to feel easy and seamless. You’re gonna figure it out and I know you’re strong enough because you made it this far already. Don’t discredit the last nine months. Don’t discredit the labor. You did that shit and you’re gonna conquer so much more and it’ll be the most bittersweet and incredible thing to watch your baby learn and grow into their own selves… and as strong as you remain, they’ll mimic your strength in the future. There’s no giving up now mama - you’re gonna show that baby EXACTLY what you’re made of. You’re that badass who brought them into this world and you’re gonna walk alongside them in this world - frankly, they won’t even notice that they’re carrying you too. They’re the reason you keep going ♥️ y’all have each other, just like that day you saw those two lines show up on that stick.

Didn’t expect this post to go this route but I miss my babies and there’s not a second that goes by that I don’t remember why I’m here - and that’s because of them 💜💚🩷

[easierreadthandone4711]

Day One

Well. Last night sucked. The heater didn’t work so I woke up every hour trying to readjust to warm up. It was miserable. I messaged my supervisor about it and he said to try turning it off and back on. 😐 I did that … so we shall see tonight if it worked.

The walk into work was short and sweet. I made a new work friend and she’s made this transition bearable. I realize it’s only day one but you know when you just vibe with people? This was one of them.

Later in the evening, I made it back to my room and it finally made it to 80 degrees. That felt so nice…. At first. And then I started burning up 😮‍💨 I was too scared to turn it off but I had no choice - I had already stripped down as much as I could. I moved it down to 73 and hoped for the best.

😒 DAY TWO

0100

Woke up freezing again, it dropped to 63 this time. I gathered up my cozy pjs again and did my best to sleep. I’ll admit, the anger had woken me up so badly I struggled to fall asleep again.

Once again I woke up every hour just doing my best to get warm again. Curling into a ball made me feel like a child again.

On occasion, I would struggle as a child when my parents would leave me with a sitter and would do my best to stay awake by the window waiting for them to return, even if I had the knowledge that they weren’t coming for me until the next day. When I couldn’t stand it any longer or the sitter busted me, I would end up curled up in a ball, crying and begging whoever was listening to not let anything happen to them, please just let them come back. I realize now how early on my abandonment issues had begun.

Needless to say, my last two nights here have been a cruel reminder of those nights and more than anything, just like those nights, I just want to go home.

I spoke to the boss man about my heater and they said they would ‘call and see what they can do’ 🥲 I would love for my heater to be fixed though I know the easier answer is most likely going to be being moved. I’ll do what I need to do to avoid these types of nights but damn.. moving rooms is gonna be annoying.

- - -

I’ll be honest, Today is a low day. When I stepped out of my room today it looked straight out of a painting. It wasn’t too cold, which I was grateful for. It almost sounded like it was starting to rain but there was no water marks on the ground, I realized then that I could hear the leaves falling… a similar sound to raindrops.. I could hear the leaves hit the branches and once again when they landed. Was the morning that quiet or are the leaves on max volume here ?

Back home in Colorado, I have an enormous tree outside my bedroom window. I keep thinking back and wondering if i could silence the city… would I be able to hear those leaves too? I’ve gained a new appreciation for silence. I hear the earth just a little bit better here and it calms my heart a bit.

Only a bit though. I’m honestly fighting back tears.. the feeling hasn’t gone away. I just want to be home. I want to be with my babies. I want to hear my son cursing at his video games… I want to hear my youngest laughing her head off watching silly videos. I want my oldest to wander into my room just to say hi and ramble on about anything on her mind. I just need to be home. Not the condo I live in… them. I want them with me. It’s almost winter break and I wish more than anything I had a million dollars to fly them out here. We could crowd into my room and it wouldn’t matter what we were doing, my heart would feel safe again.

I wonder about my abandonment issues… I never feel secure with anybody.. except them. And selfishly, I’m so happy they love me, even though I know, it takes the MOST type of shitty parents to make a child not love their parent anymore. I’m grateful they love me, I’m grateful I have them. Despite knowing that I’m their mom and of course they love me.. they’re the only example I have of unconditional love and security.

I just want to go home. 🥺

[easierreadthandone4711]

0439

Wow what a start. I went from being fully prepared to not at all. Guessed who snoozed her alarm until 30mins before the Ubers arrival? Yeah. So I hope I have everything I needed.. it was only my daily type of stuff. Toothpaste and brush, deodorant, makeup.. and I placed it into my suitcase as soon as I was finished using it … I should be fine. 😐 Uber driver seems kind. That’s a relief. There was a dusting of snow on the ground which made me second guess my outfit all together. Not a bad start but with a bootcamp urgency that WOKE ME UP. Kind of. Now I’m sleepy again.

LATER….

Made it to Dallas just fine. It was quicker than I imagined. Though had I known American charges $13 for wifi.. I would’ve prepared with more Morbid episodes. If you’re into true crime - you need to check out Morbid podcast 👌🏼 top tier folks.

I passed by an Emmitt Smith store and it brought me back to nostalgia that I had honestly thought I’d forgotten. Holidays with my mother’s side of the family. Especially thanksgiving.

We were (mostly) a family of cowboys fans - my grandpa was to blame for that one. After he passed away I swore I would be a cowboys fan for life, in his honor…. But damn grandpa.. they really sucked and I don’t like losing 😭 they were great when they were and horrific when they weren’t. It was getting to the point that I no longer got excited for football season… so about 4-5 years back, I made the switch and focused on my (secret) favorite team, the saints.

Thanksgiving started at my grandmothers in the early years but the woman had 9 children who made 31 grandkids who then made near 15 great grandchildren before she passed away. Needless to say, the holiday moved from her one bedroom home to the bigger homes my aunts/uncles had. Spoiler alert, they weren’t into our large family in their homes either… or our aunts/uncles just got into stupid fights.. maybe both.. but we no longer get together as a family.

During the time it was at my grandmothers house, or my uncles house, there would be a football game held, old vs young. Our uncles would all file out there, threatening us with their skills and stories of their glory days. While we were all younger, it held true but as we got older the more excuses and pains they came with and more of us “taking a walk” before the food was ready.

The house was a navy blue and White Sea of cowboys jerseys, rarely did any of us “dress up” for the holiday. The smell of turkey, menudo and tamales would fill the air, and bud light bottles started to gather.

Thanksgiving was family food and football.

If there’s anything I miss about being a cowboys fan, is the way it brought my family together, whether it was Thanksgiving, or just another Sunday to grill. We had something there and for that I’ll always have a deep love for the cowboys nation.

*update*

I made it. I’m exhausted. We shall see what Nantucket has to offer 🙌🏾

[easierreadthandone4711]

Change of plans..

Picture it, 2023, Thanksgiving afternoon - football & coffee in pjs. Its cold out which doesn't help the ice box of a room I have already. Packers are winning, which, after the heartfelt Lions fandom stories...this a little bit of a bummer. Anyways, I originally planned to begin my blog tomorrow on my travel day but it hit me just now as I was trying to think up ways to avoid getting out of bed, I have to be at the airport by 5a tomorrow. Am I REALLY going to have it in me to pull this up and write an introduction to my blog? Unlikely.

Tomorrow I will leave for Nantucket Massachusetts. I will be there for the next six weeks or so for work. I know absolutely NOTHING about Nantucket. Is there a nickname for this town? Or do we always force ourselves to say naAantucket? Does anybody else struggle to say it without a honkytonk-ish vibe? As I type this out I realize, it might just be me.

I'll be honest, the idea of being on an island is beginning to feel intimidating. That's a special kind of "middle of nowhere" vibe. It's offseason there and so I'm expecting an eerie silence to the town. I also know there are lighthouses there and your girl LOVES a lighthouse. I love the ocean but I've never experienced it in an island setting, so I'm excited for this new experience. Ocean means fish and fish means fresh seafood... I could be landing in my own little gloomy heaven. I've been watching the weather and I have zero expectation of sunshine or warmth. I hear the hotel has a gym and indoor pool which is also a plus for me - it'll help to keep me sane. Speaking of sanity, I carefully chose six books to read while I am away. One per week is ambitious but I am really not a cold lovin' girly, so I WILL be curled up inside.

I chose The Glass Castle and The Hilarious World of Depression as my travel books. The rest are in my checked bags. This is my third travel order this year and while I still feel like a newb, I would like to think I've improved on my packing skills. I let myself be more lax with packing tightly as I won't be needing as many things and packing winter clothes is more frustrating than I'd like to admit. I'm riddled with anxiety, winter clothes will not be the battle I fight today.

Along with reading more, I wanted to start writing again and focus more on my studies for day trading. This is where you come in.

I've been trying to find where I fit in, or rather, where a good fit for my story would be. My story isn't anything incredible but there's something to be said about leaving behind your legacy. I'll share my new found experiences during my travel and the like - then I'll sprinkle in a story or two of past experiences. If nothing else, my kids will have these chronicles to look back on....assuming tumblr survives. Anybody else reading this.. <3 Hope you enjoy!