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dreams

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the thing that gets me about posts like this is what do you do if you tried and it didnt work? i took hormones and it didn't help, i guess im too masculine and fucked up? idk. its almost worse, i dont get to wonder. i get to Know. that ill never be a woman, even to other trans women, they dont see me as a woman once they know me. fuck nearly every trans person ive talked to was ambivalent about me detransitioning, one person said i *might* regret it if i did. even my own people dont think i could ever be a woman. what the hell am i supposed to do now?

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has anyone else ever encountered the issue where during sex or intimate moments you can be enjoying touch or feeling, but then you remember how your body probably looks to the other person (for me i get horrified about how masculine or ugly it is), and then lose the ability to feel anything or enjoy it? its like i dissociate or something and i lose any ability to sense feeling. i cant even snuggle or hold my wife anymore. i cant feel anything and it tears me apart

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i wish i could escape this. 4 years hrt and i still live like this. its so exhausting. and i don't think ill ever escape. i dont have a community, i dont have a family, i dont have friends. i dont have people that care or want me to feel better or take my feelings into account. just people who want me fixed so i can keep being a useful idiot.

so many of the transfems i know spent their time pre-transition performing a kind of lifelong exercise in self-deprivation, the goal of which was to find out exactly how little a person needed to live. they starved themselves, dressed carelessly, shunned friends, and hollowed themselves out so as not to be burdens on anyone but themselves.

i see it now, too, in the girls around me. i'll ask if they want care – a home-cooked meal, relaxed company, sex without the expectation of reciprocation – and they say no, no, thank you, i don't need it; what would you like, what do you want, because in their head they're still doing that awful calculus, still training themselves to disappear in the eyes of the people around them.

i don't think i'd have died without transition – not in the conventional sense, at least – but to take that leap, i had to stop thinking of myself as a human experiment in fuel-efficient living and start nurturing the anemic, atrophied flame of desire in my heart. i had to learn to eat well, to exercise, to style myself beautiful, but harder than that, i had to learn to ask the people around me to work on my behalf in order to enrich my life and give me the things i wanted.

and i did it; i learned. and it was agony, but courage is a muscle you can train, and every day i get better at accepting gifts with the hungry gratitude i never learned in my years and years as a sad, scared, lonely boy.

so be patient with the trans girls in your life. better than that: be proactive, attentive, generous; be forceful, if you have to, and learn to distinguish real discomfort from the terrified reflex of self-denial that so many of us once learned to rely on.

and if you are so lucky as to love a trans girl, you must insist upon her. you must insist upon her happiness, her comfort, her pleasure, and her rest, because she may still not yet know how to make those demands for herself. if you can devote any amount of energy to becoming an engine that nurtures the flame of even a single tgirl then there is a place for you in trans heaven, which as far as i'm concerned is the only one worth going to

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indont know what i did wrong. why doesnt my mom or family love me

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is it punk to kill yourself because youll never be a woman

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i wish i wasnt like this. i hate being so unlikeable. i just want to be a woman. but that will never happen

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idk i think this is good sentiment for those with a real shot of becoming a woman, but it can be harmful too. i put myself on estrogen because thats all i could do, any social or familial transitions blew up in my face and basically ruined my previous life. then i moved away and grew tits but people still didnt respect me or see me as a woman. so now i have to bind and kill my back every day pretending to be a guy, regretting ever thinking i could be a girl because it was foolish and has just made my life worse. maybe in a safer or kinder world i wouldnt feel this way, maybe itd be okay to be ugly and trans at the same time. but in this one its absolutely not always okay to just encourage people to do that, it can put them in danger.

"its not safe for me to transition right now" girl have you read the news its not safe to drink milk or eat medium rare cheeseburgers or go in public without a respirator anymore stop making excuses lets get you some estrogen

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i mean kinda not true. its a good message by and large but some of us are just to ugly or masculine to be seen as women. and im not playing some self pity game here, ive tried to go to queer spaces come out to friends family etc the whole works. and it didn't work out. hrt failed me too. so like some of us cant be trans, no

I’m going to tell you something nobody told me:

It is O-fucking-Kay if you think you’re trans except for that one thing

If you think you might be a girl but you like having your hair short, or you don’t like wearing dresses, or you don’t want to wear makeup, that is totally okay

If you think you might be a guy but you like having long hair or you really love skirts or you wear lots of sparkly jewellery, that is totally okay

If you think you might be nonbinary but you really like presenting in a way that aligns with your agab, that is totally okay

If you think you might be trans but you aren’t sure if you want hormones, that is totally okay

If you think you’re trans “except for…” that is totally okay and get this: you don’t have to change that part of yourself to be trans

You can if you want to, but if you don’t, that is totally okay

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i hate being weird on top of this as well. i cant talk about my past, im to ashamed / unwilling to be publicly ridiculed to talk about myself or present. i have no future. its so suffocating that every facet of my life has been hopeless

Having a traumatic childhood means you cannot talk even objectively about your basic foundational experiences without it being "venting", even if you're not actually venting. You just straight up have a huge chunk of your life you can't talk about, full stop, without it being trauma dumping.

And it not being socially acceptable to talk about your own childhood is super alienating. Sometimes people want to know why, and any answer you can give them is going to be off putting.

It's to the point I get irritated when something I said is framed as venting when I'm literally just talking about my life experiences, doing my best to keep emotion out of it.

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someone reblogged something i said. maybe im not ruined permanently and unworthy of love

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in a similar vein its so violently painful to be near a group of other queer women, especially other lesbians or trans women, and hearing how they speak to one another as peers. then when addressing you, it has a sort of... residue of disgust. and you want to speak up, you want to say "no i am a woman! please do not do this to me!" but you cannot, and it breaks you

we talk a lot about how damaging trans women’s experience of being around men who think there are no women around, but i rarely hear talk about how exhausting and alienating it is to constantly have to interact 1 on 1 with men who think theyre talking to another man. its damaging and draining in a dfferent way.

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log on

see transphobia

log off

repeat until the suicidal thoughts go away (they wont)

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this is a very good analogy and connection. as someone who will never get to transition it does feel like im soaring lower and lower, compromising more and more about my plans for my life or hopes and dreams, what im willing to concede for my own safety and comfort. it feels like im going to drown, the pressure will build as you sink deeper, you know?

You ever hear that old chestnut about how most people neglect the part of the story of Icarus where he also had to avoid flying too low, lest the spray of the sea soak his feathers and cause him to fall and drown? You ever think about how different the world would be if Icarus died that way instead? If the idiom was to Fly To Close To The Sea? A warning against playing it far too safe, about not stretching your wings and soaring properly? You ever think about how Icarus died because he was happy?

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wah thats not how things are supposed to be? this sort of treatment is so deeply ingrained in me its a large part of why i cant even have sex. im a bottom and sub and the entire time im just ashamed and embarrassed because its so stupid in my head that i think i could do that. maybe one day i can change it in my brain, i hope

i think we as a community need to be done using terms like “bottom” and “pillow princess” negatively, even as a joke, because it’s not a joke anymore in so many spaces. I saw a young lesbian earnestly ask what a pillow princess is in a queer forum and all of the answers were negative, every single one. i’m so tired of people calling real people and fictional characters bottoms as an insult—again, usually as a joke—and it’s so common in fandom. why are you labeling characters bottoms as a method of mocking them? genuinely ask yourself why a queer character or person receiving sex is so funny to you and why the punchline is that it’s somehow demeaning to receive acts of queer sex and consider the many layers of homophobia and even misogyny that have built the foundations of that seemingly harmless joke.

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i hope one day i can do something like this. my life is so empty. i dont know what i do wrong or why nobody sees me as a woman. why cant i be a woman no matter what i do? i cant live like this forever but i dont know what to do. im stuck living as a man at work at home in my life. and it isnt even all other's fault. my wife is a lesbian and supports me being a woman. but im not, i dont live like one or look like one. why cant i become one?

I think it's a common assumption that trans people are self-assured and confident. I certainly thought this before I admitted I was trans. Outsiders (and insiders who don't know it yet) see us transforming our bodies and going out in public knowing we're at risk and insisting on the right name and pronouns and they assume that it's some innate courage and boldness that carries through our whole identities. I can only speak for myself, but I can say for certain that, over the course of my life, my transness made me less confident, not more. Growing up, I learned to hide my true self, to become a passive vessel for the person others wanted to see, to hate and fear what was authentic to me. Yes, I took a great risk, but not out of ambition or some well of confidence. Only because I finally recognized that the alternative was a greater risk: a blank and empty existence until my death. I want to be proud and bold, but my transition doesn't show that I'm there yet. It is the first, uncertain step in what I hope will be a long journey.