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Blog Post #3

Hey it’s march now… sorry about that.

lots has happened i think idk

nothing much actually tbh

that a lie like there’s probably so much but i’m so lazy ngl

basically to start off i cut my hand open bad at work & had a deep cut & needed stitches so im home this entire week because well i cant work LMFAO

i’ve been reading lots of books & watching so many movies. i cannot wait to be 27 in my own apartment somewhere in the city with a bottle of grape wine & a golden sunset. that’s what i want. i want plants that hang off my balcony & an easel to paint outside & one inside near the balcony for lateral light! that’s all unrelated though. just hopes for the life im yet to live.

paulo coelho came out of left field & is now a big thing in my life atm. his book the alchemist was so touching to me & really caused lots of thoughts & tbh i think has set me in a new direction in life. his books touch on subjects that are so real & raw & i love it sm & i feel so understood as if my thoughts are becoming a story to read.

im currently reading eleven minutes which is a book about a sex worker & also saw anora recently. idk how but sex work is lowkey coming into my life now? now that im ever going to do it but the people ive talked to & the places ive gone to in the city its been very present along with the media i read. tbh the media surrounding sex work is amazing & i feel its a topic we shouldn’t have be taboo at all & should embrace. something about it sounds so freeing & so raw that i just love & support all sex workers. reading eleven minutes its about this girl from brazil who goes to europe as a dancer & ends up becoming a sex worker there & at the ends of chapters we get diary entries from her & they’re so real like i love reading this book genuinely.

i was nervous picking it out because my english teacher is the one who actually has been supplying me the books. me & her have been talking about paulo coelho & after i finish a book she gives me another to read. it’s weird thinking about freshmen year & now this year & the relationship change. i never cared to think much about teachers but my english teacher is the best & i know ill remember her always for being so inspiring & coming into my life as almost a mentor in a way.

but back to sex work… something about it seems so freeing & like enticing? idk if that’s the right word, it’s just badass to me in the way that it’s like total freedom in yourself sexually? i’m sure there’s internal conflict but also like fuck it because it’s their decision to do it ultimately not in a bad way but in a way that’s like yes do it & be proud of yourself idk…

lots of eternal conflict within myself regarding sex, love, sexuality, romance, & desire. i don’t deserve those things but i also do. i want to fuck like i’m full of anger but love as if all i’ve known is peace but be independently me & not tied to anyone. i am so me & i fucking love it. i guess that’s why i’ve been in a very sex work heavy environment lately, because it’s a life style of freedom in some way that speaks to me? i guess maybe not sex work but something close to it. maybe it’s just whoring around but also it doesn’t feel like that, it just feels more like discovery.

ngl i’ve felt shame in emotions of desire but reading these books of love & life & spirituality i’m learning to live more & to embrace what i want. i am not selfish because i live for me :)

i cut my hand wide open at work monday… i was using a blade to remove a sticker from some random tool & it slipped & cut my hand deep like it wasn’t just a little scratch or cut like i ripped my hand open where i cut. it wasn’t that bad because it was only 4 stitches but this shit hurts & feels so sore. i keep replaying the strength in my arm when my hand slip & feeling the blade slicing open my hand in my mind idk why but i like just replay it over & over again LMAO

it’s okay though i’m on day 3 of stitches, 7 more to go :P

periodo Azul comes out in less than a month as of writing this. there are 5 episodes done out of the 7 so far, idk if that’s good or not cause it comes out in less than a month but we ball. idk how i even feel about this mini series. lots of thoughts in my head about views & being so open & feedback but i create the art & films for me. the views shouldn’t dictate my worth. & they never will. :)

this series is so personal & open. the people on tiktok have been fucking with it so i’m hoping other people fuck with it as well

i’ll see how this drop goes though but it won’t ever stop me from creating despite the results! i’ll just even more & go bigger & better.

while i was writing this i got an email saying my NYU application will be fully reviewed by next week & that i’ll find out wednesday the 26th. i’m. so. fucking. nervous.

like kill me genuinely, put me down like a fucking down, please. idk why. it’s like i have such hope, i have such intense immense hope i’ll get into this school with a full ride & that everything will work out, i get to live in the city of art & be around other artists, but also part of me knows that life doesn’t work like that

that no matter how much i want something magically to happen to come & save me & make me feel as if life can have a moment to pause & reward my suffering it won’t happen! the fate is decided by a greedy school possibly that only cares about prestige & money. art doesn’t matter to colleges or school, & that’s just what it is. it matters so deeply to me though.

life is weird tbh, i’m growing though, im feeling myself solidify into someone, solidifying into a person. thank you for the insight that comes with age.

i’m writing a movie rn & i might film it in the summer. idk i really hope i can film this one! it’s based off a hangout i had with someone, it isn’t like a whole play by play & very fictional but the idea came to me after me & this girl went to boston together one day like a month or two ago atp but idk we talked about past relationships & explored the city a lil. she’s in college & we hung out at her dorm after & it’s like idk i wanted to write about it because i have sm thoughts on everything. lowkey in my blonde era rn…

okay rapid fire mini dump

- i want highlights in my hair possibly

- i’m gonna glow up before the summer i swear

- i love art

- i’m gonna get a shitty stick & poke in may

- still depressed

- college soon

- summer soon

- finding my style for everything more

thank you for reading ily bye

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oh wow

i am so free to experience

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it’s weird having pieces of someone you can’t stomach to think about

letters & a 30 minute voice memo we recorded the first time i went to rag rock

lump in my stomach

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reminds me of someone

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do it more often

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i need to go to college so bad

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oh it hurts so much missing someone you know you can’t be with

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Blog Post #2

hi again… it’s been a minute but it’s now 2025, i’m on a T-Break & i’m bored. i’m laying in bed with a faint smell of cigarettes & listening to mac demarco.

i’m no longer the person i was 6 months ago. i still feel the way ive felt but im a new person. ive changed. i’ve grown. i’ve lived. i’ve been thinking about how these 4 walls i’ve lived with since elementary school will now become a stranger to me. they’ll catches glimpse & pieces of the person i become. my septum is pierced now, i have new clothes, & my music is different :)

i find out in a couple days if i get accepted into my second pick college & just saw today that my top pick viewed my application 😭 my top is NYU, that school is like crazy & with a 12% acceptance rate i don’t think ill be accepted but i saw that viewed my video applications on youtube & that’s scary! they probably hit a big red rejection on it but i was open & honest on my work & that’s how ill be from now on. what is the point of creation if not personal. i want to confront the thoughts nobody wants to speak about publicly out of fear.

i’m a little scared of college but also not at the same time. i’m ready to leave. i’m ready to forget. i see people that are closer to someone i used to sleep skin to skin with & when i drive down the roads we once used to drive my mind sputters. but that’s the past. college will be my reset in the city. or i just go to a different town for school. i’m ready to leave this town behind & the people who live here. i hate everyone here & everyone that reminds me of someone. fuck you.

my mini series is almost done, i’ve been slacking a lot on two episodes but i’ll get it down before may… hopefully… LMAO. it’s very personal & that’s scary. but i wish to be unapologetically me. i’ve started doing that as i realized i’m gone in 7 months. i started speaking my mind & doing what i want. i’ll soon be independent, let me act like it. i’ve always felt temporary in everyone’s life but now this is the ultimate isolation, i will lose everyone i’ve known since elementary school & the group of friends i have built over the past 4 years of school. i could cry. but the tears i shed won’t stay either, they’ll dry up & disappear like everything else.

after i finish this mini series i have an epic i want to write. maybe it’ll be a poem like the green knight then converted to the screen. or maybe i write a fictional book & then adapt my own book for the screen but who knows. maybe ill just write a screenplay :P

i think my work will be taking a more abstract & experimental approach along with spiritual. i don’t believe in anything specific like a god but the alchemist changed my views so much & is now my favorite book. thank you ms. labella :) im also reading the life of pie right now! long ass book. but after reading the alchemist i wish to live by the philosophy the author follows as well.

i’ve been chilling, watching movies, reading books, & just expanding my knowledge on whatever. ive been on this “break” of making content & no longer chasing views. i’m focused on the creation of my garden right now. when the butterflies come there will be plenty of flowers for them to adore & find comfort in.

life has been expanding. soon i’ll be on my odyssey of life & will follow my personal legend until i die. santiago is literally me.

i watched this movie called “the cloud in her room” yesterday & i think if i made a movie it would be like that tbh. made me want to write so bad & just go out to make a movie like it. we’ll see :)

also big update: i’m an amc stubs member now! godbless. LMAO

but yeah, i’ve been okay, i’ve been better, but 2025 will be my year. who i am doesn’t change instantly the way the number does, but i’ll make progress. this year is just the beginning of the rest of my life.

thank you, diego muñoz.

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When i look you in the eyes i feel a sense of warmth. The hairs on the back of my neck fall flat, the coldness of my anxiety that lingers washed over my body suddenly replaced by your warmth, & oh how I wish nobody would perceive me but you.

To be yours would be the greatest gift i’ve ever received. Never have I allowed myself to be this seen by someone before. I’m bare & naked allowing the fullest version of me to be on display. Speaking the unspoken as if my tongue has no grip. You loosen me up.

While I’m scared to admit it, I like you. The security you provide greater than any walls I’ve put up. I throw away the key to the lock of me & allow you to rummage through the ins & outs the way no other has. I feel our souls dance as we talk & enjoy the presence of one another.

Written based on my perception on two people :P I won’t let anyone rummage through the ins & outs of me again

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Blog Post #1

Writing to… absolutely nobody cause who tf is gonna see this LMFAO like nobody reads my shit like that.

It’s been an interesting month. I’ve felt a ton of growth in just the past month alone. Last month was really hard for me, I was struggling a lot. I’m getting better though slowly :)

Right now I’m taking time to be me? Just taking time to figure myself out, what type of music I enjoy, directors i like, hanging out with friends & other stuff. It’s been really nice. I’ve been on this “content grind” or whatever you call it since the 3rd grade & not worrying about posting to my story to be an “influencer” or some shit like that is nice :P I’ve just posted lil life updates now & then but most of it has been in my private life. I’m getting closer with people & Im so thankful for everyone in my life & who I surround myself with. Last year compared to now has been so much better & healthier for me. Everything does get better! I’m still healing from past traumas & recognizing that people from the past weren’t the healthiest for me. It’s been a little bad, I’ve noticed something’s that I’m trying to improve on but after feeling the need to be ashamed of the type of person I am for a year straight. I’m regaining the confidence in who I am as a person & artist i’m not giving a fuck about what people think because I’m going to be so unapologetically me, & fuck you it you think otherwise.

I applied to my dream college as well, I don’t hear about that till next month & Im nervous but oh my god am I so excited to start a new chapter in my life. I’m ready to leave this town behind. I’m ready to leave people behind. I’m ready for 1-18 to be done & the start of 19 in a new location to be amazing. I never thought i’d move from here for some reason? I knew it would happen but in less than 6 months I’m graduating high school, already would know where I’m going to school, & will be a whole new person. Wow.

I cannot wait. This will be the beginning of the rest of my life.

I’m also experimenting a little more, I finally decided to bite the bullet & buy myself a SHIT ton of new clothes LMAO. After being unemployed for a bit then last year never having enough money to spend on myself, I’m taking the time this year to do things for me. Not for anyone else. I bought shirts & jeans & hoodies that I like even if they’re “expensive” because it’s for me & I deserve to splurge on myself, plus I treat my friends & family with gifts a shit ton. It feels good to be independent.

I’m planning on getting 3 tattoos before college that I’m ready excited for :) Me & one of my friends are going to setup appointments at the same time to get our first tattoos together! Currently waiting for her ass to turn 18 before we do it 🙄 But I’m so excited. I also want to get a septum… But that’s scary, but also who gives a fuck I’ll be in college away from here. I’ll be brand new. I think i’ll go for black or silver or maybe gold cause that compliments my skin tone.

I’m currently working on my series. “Periodo Azul” was something I rushed into & then it all came crumbling down. I haven’t publicly said this but I’m planning for a 6-month break to write & produce these episodes along with just being a teenager in my final year here. But I have all the episodes listed & even started editing one as it was just a voice over. There’s no footage recorded yet but I got it planned out ;)

I also started antidepressants… I don’t know if it’s even something I should say right now but FUCK IT! I’m making a video for Periodo Azul about it anyways 🤷. I’ve been bad for as long as I can remember & I just had to do something about it. Nobody in this world is here for you besides yourself, do everything for you. Don’t dim your light for ANYONE. It’s never worth it. But It’s important to know what’s right & what’s not for you. It’s too early on my meds to feel anything but I’ve been in contact with my doctor & I feel myself getting better. I’m proud of me. I give myself a pat on the back. Give one to yourself as well.

School has been great as well, I’m an all A student & have amazing friends that like me for me :) I feel loved & appreciated. It’s strange feeling that cause I’ve always felt judged. I’ve never felt truly loved or appreciated. I know it’s only the beginning of it though. Once I find my people in college I’ll only flourish. I so desperately cannot wait to find my people.

Life has been interesting, but my manifestation of 2025 being my year seems to be working :) Only bigger & better things to come for me. Everything that isn’t needed is in the past, thank god for that.

Treat yourself with kindness & allow yourself grace.

- Diego Muñoz

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my dear jane.

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i am starving & famished with no desire to eat. a meal in front of me, yet i help myself to no serving.

i’m brittle & fatigued from this hunger. the help i so desperately need right there waiting for me to accept. but id rather starve than be okay. the energy required to serve myself i believe i do not contain. i’d rather wait till the last possible second when my hunger is over bearing & i cannot think to take a step forward & help myself.

why must i serve myself? i never asked to be this way, to be so hungry with no desire to eat.

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i dimmed the light inside of me to fuel the fire that was burning me