erthanion

[erthanion]

Ghosts

“Hard to see what you’ve done to me now”

Will you always come back around?

Do I just have to stop running?

Why can’t you just go, let go..

What are you still holding onto?

There’s a piece of my that will always empathize with you and that’s the piece of my I try to suppress.

For years I locked you away, blocked you, shunned you hoping that time will remove all ties.. so why can you still have this effect?

It kind of pisses me off..and I feel like an idiot because I’m not in love with you, I don’t want to be with you, and I know I love X more than I ever could have loved you.

This is all true, but whenever you pop your head up, there’s still a sore spot. A part of me that does continue to seek closure. I did love you. I really did. I couldn’t have hurt so bad if I didn’t.

It’s been four years since we departed.

Part of me thinks I didn’t give myself enough time before getting into another relationship, that’s why it’s taken me so long to rid of these emotional ties…

So what can I do now?

I seek answers..I tried not doing anything and I now have more self love than I ever had before. Enough to know that I have to chose for myself. I can’t use other people as a reference point. I can’t use X as a crutch anymore.

He was my barrier between you and I and now I’m starting to believe I need to tear that down.

I know what I want with X. Nothing can stop that. I know I’ll never go back to you. Nothing will change that.

I continue to doubt myself when you come into question, I start to doubt the way things happened.

I will say…the wound is not as sore as it used to be. I must acknowledge that…

It’s not easy to love someone and it goes to waste. I loved you  and it went completely to waste. I hate that I still write about you, and us, but X can not deny the mistakes we made when we jumped in so soon. I will not let him deny that, there are things we will have to overcome together because of our childish behavior in the beginning.

[erthanion]

My mind seems unreal

My mind seems unreal. Any thought is deceiving me. I feel like I can't move. I feel paralyzed. The world around me seems to slip from my fingers. I don't know what's an illusion or not. My head..it hurts. An aching no t he left side of my brow. Im trying to understand whats happening with you. Do i even know you? Are you real? What am i saying right now? Reality slips...my head hurts.

How do I help you..i don't know, I feel like everything I do makes it worse...even with the best conscious intentions it falls apart..its not what I though...well then I don't know what to tjink.. life is not what I think It is. 

Who are you? Who am I? How did I get here? 

So many words, never the satisfaction. So many words and never enough to portray how I feel. An endless ramble................

How do I help them..I don't know..i only do it for myself?....or don't I?

I thought I was trying...maybe I need to try harder...but what if I'm deceived by love? What if I'm blinded...i can't. See..how will I know? Life sometimes feels vague.

 I just want to know...thats it..

[erthanion]

Trust, if you're fully here, you'll be fully there. BUT if you're not here, how could you ever be there?

[erthanion]

Meh

7/14/19

Meh.

I feel it.

Like a spider at the pit of my stomach creeping up the wall of my throat

On the edge of my uvula it hangs there

Eyes, observe the surrounding experience

back and forth they sway, making note of every possible scenario 

Mind, juggles ten balls at once while riding a bike and swallowing a sword.

Under pressure, one single choice and it could mean death, destruction, something irreversible  …something out of control

Control, grasping at something imaginary, pulling at what seems to be reality but only just a dream

I mean…

Okay what should I be afraid of? really what could happen? right?

But then.

No! I can’t. Feel.

Okay..Breath..just breath..go back to the…WAIT!

Why?

I reprimand myself, I discourage myself..WHY BRENNA??

Why do you lose control?

Why can’t you just have peace?

Why can’t you just feel happy for them?

You want to be happy..

What do i do?

Take one finger off, and loosen your grip.

Rome wasn’t built in a day.

[erthanion]

I feel a little uncomfortable

6/21/19

I feel a little uncomfortable.. like the feeling of being on a crowded train stuck between many different strangers in the same position as you.

You endure this almost anxiety stricken state  for two reasons. One; soon you’ll be off and two; you need to be there to get to where you are going.

That is how I feel.

Trying to understand your emotions is a very uncomfortable place to be.

Not letting them control you is like that feeling of being on that overcrowded train.

You can either let the feeling consume you and just be frustrated, uncomfortable or maybe even angry but the more you decide to respond this way to your emotions, the longer the train ride will feel.

You’re already on the train, you really can’t get off. So the only thing you’re really are in control of is how you will let this uncomfortable feeling evolve.

I want to get to where I am going and in order to do that as soon as possible, I must look around, look outside of myself. 

I look to my left and there is a child playing with her toy as she peers out the window, she seems like the happiest one on this ride.

I look out the window as she does.

Look at all these people doing what they set their mind out to do for the day.

Look at how the animals do the same.

See how the man opens his store for the morning crowd.

Look at another woman rushing off to work so she isn’t late. 

And even as everyone seems to have an agenda, the birds still fly effortlessly, the clouds continue to alter shapes and move across the morning sky.

[erthanion]

Hm..will it end?

5/26/19

Hm..will it end?

Well, yes.

The questions is though, what have I taken away from it?

Understanding is a process, it's not instant..its dull

There is no instant satisfaction, no high

It's stabalization..easiness..patience..contemplation

Just wait...and wait..listen, observe without judgment.

Reducing the urge to know something is the art of true understanding

[erthanion]

They preach to us ABUNDANCE! while they pick our pockets

[erthanion]

Which one will I chose...?

Sometimes I feel…like my chest is sinking in hugging my heart almost too close for comfort.

I am searching, asking, trying to find the remedy to relieve this discomfort.

I look to the outside of myself, avoiding the possibility of me being the problem to this unshakable aching. 

Why, when I know this is the case, do I continue to search?

It’s because I am subject to the whims of others perspectives and thoughts.

It is my nature, it is the easiest choice to make, the most familiar. 

I continue to look for answers that are rooted in tangibility.

It’s as if I am peering over the edge of a mountain and as i draw nearer the anxiety builds, and before it’s too late i pull myself back. 

But..inevitably I go back to that edge, searching.

------------------What is down there?

Maybe something that will give me answers?

Answers to what to chose. Why can’t I just know the right choice?!

Right choice…yes, I don’t think there is such a thing, but aren’t there better choices? and who or what decides what choice is better?

Is it me?

But then to what extent does outside instruction play into my personal choices because there is value in experience.

Is the answer how I handle my choices?

So many choices..Knowing and understanding are two different things

[erthanion]

Albanian Nights

The sweet smell of coconut on your skin

The silence, so still you can hear the electricity going through the AC unit 

A warm lamp, barely touching the edges of our skin with light 

Thoughts of inspiration and last minute tasks before closing our eyes 

Fingers type on the phone 

Deep sighs 

Warm blankets

Dirty dishes 

And a broken bathroom door 

This room is so serine.

It feels like a piece of home

It’s temporary reality makes it even more so

Anticipation fills us as we admit to two more weeks until Italy! 

Life as a digital nomad, exciting, and unpredictable. 

There is no room for backing out now

The only way is forward. 

Although these four walls close in, they give us a sense of ease and safety. 

As if they are telling us, rest here, the journey ahead is long. 

[erthanion]

If you stress to attain it, you'll stress to maintain it.