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[everydaymamaof3]

Why not return to my blog with a post that is on my mind heavily this year…

It’s the 10th Anniversary of my beautiful friends passing, and I wanted to honour her, by reminding others to never leave things left unsaid because you truly never know what tomorrow brings.

We were fast friends. We met in grade 7, became thick as thieves in grade 8 and she was my other half for probably some of the most impressionable years of my young life..

She was tall slim and beautiful. She was sure of herself. She was happy. She was hilarious. She was kind. She was understanding. She was creative. She was everything I wanted so badly to be. She was my best friend and she was my inspiration.

I struggled with insecurity. But she always made me feel like I was a size 2, and the most beautiful person in the room… next to her of course. We were two peas in a pod. We went through some of the most pivotal moments in our young teenage girl lives together.

Moments that changed who we were to our core.

Moments in time that changed who we were.

I remember being so scared, pregnant at 18. She was my first call. She was there in a second, there, across the table from me at The Yellow Cafe, in our usual booth… “What do I do?” was met with, “you have this baby, and you love this baby and it will be the most beautiful baby in the world, and you will be the most amazing mommy”. And that was that. I was terrified, but she didn’t skip a beat with her words, and even though it was never a question for me, she supported me, and that’s all I needed to hear, because words from your best friend mean more to you as a young girl, than words from anyone else.. they just stick differently.

She was my rock. My go to. My person, for a time in my life that I’ll never forget.

We were wild and free. We were those crazy teenage girls who were standing outside of a sunroof speeding down a highway, with our long blonde and brunette hair blowing in the wind.

We made some really big mistakes, and sometimes cried about them, sometimes laughed. Mostly laughed. And we kept on making mistakes, because we were risk takers, life livers, we craved the noise in our lives, but we were also good human beings, with this intense zest for life!

And then one day she left.

I had a beautiful baby girl so I was busy being a mom and a wife, and she went off to pursue her dreams of modelling, and continuing to chase the bright lights, big city vibe.

A couple of cities later, and then a new country, we started to drift.

I went to visit as often as I could to whichever city she was in. I wanted her to know my daughter. To stay a part of our lives. We wrote letters. Talked on the phone. But we were in different places going in different directions.

And then I changed.

I started to feel stuck in my life, and I felt like she had left me behind. I was gonna be stuck in an unhappy marriage, which was neither parties fault, it was just two, very young friends choosing a legal bond that they shouldn’t have, in a small town, where everything is everyone’s business, and divorce back then was still taboo… while she went to live this whole other life. I lost my best friend, and I lost me at the same time, with the only thing keeping me going, being my daughter… forever my reason.

She never reached out, when I was struggling… little did I know she was too, but I was so mad at her for it.

She came to see me one New Years Eve, I think it was around 2004, out of the blue, and it’s the last time I saw her. This bright light, that came into my house as I was spiraling down this dark path, and she just said, “let’s just forget about your problems for tonight”. And we did. And as much as it wasn’t helpful for the situation I was going through, I’ll forever cherish it, because it was the last time we were together.

I confided in a person a few years later, after I had gotten back to my true self, and re started my life. I had a beautiful family, home, and I was back to the job I loved… I confided that I was so angry with her for abandoning me. That’s how I selfishly saw it, even though it wasn’t true. After everything we went through together in our life, how could she have just left me to struggle like that on my own… but here’s the thing, that was still the selfish part of me… remnants from a person who struggled shining through.

People who are in the depths of struggling with themselves, usually blame first, and take ownership later, once they start to heal. So be patient with loved ones who are struggling. It takes time. It’s a defence mechanism, and I promise, it’s not personal.

What was she supposed to do? Our lives went in two directions and I should’ve just been wishing her success and happiness… nothing more. But I missed her. I missed her so much.

The conversation was shared and I received an email from her that just said, I miss you, and we need to talk.

I never replied. My pride never let me reply. My stupid pride and ego never let me reply. And now I’ll never get that chance again.

I should’ve picked up the phone and called her right then and there, because now I’ll never know what our last conversation would have been, and I have to live wondering what that conversation would’ve been until the day I die.

I’ve dreamt about her.. I see 5’s all the time.. I think she’s telling me to let go of the guilt..

I dropped to my knees the day I was told she died.

I remember it as clear as day. I just sank to my knees. No… this can’t be real.

Once the shock set in, I sat and cried in my bed, on the phone to each and every one of our core group of friends from back then. How did this happen. Why her.

Sometimes I feel guilty for still being here and she’s not. I feel guilty for being happy and having this life. I feel guilty that she was taken so early in this journey. She had so much to give and so much to do.

She was a light bringer. One of those rare human beings who just shined in every room, every space, everywhere she went. Her whiskey laugh, and goofy sense of humour, her deep thoughts and poetic words.. she was such a good writer.. I still have a box full of her letters, that I could read over and over just to keep her close.

She made everyone feel like someone. She cared about everyone, no matter what kind of life shoes they wore.

Her laugh was infectious. You couldn’t help but smile when she was around. She was the best person to talk to because she always knew exactly what to say.

She was pure light in human form. Everyone thought so, and I hope she knows that I’m grateful for the person she was, because she helped shape part of the person that I am.

Little things I do, or I see or hear remind me of her. Remind me of our past.

And my youngest daughter reminds me so much of her.. she just has that twinkle in her eye, that craving for bigger things…

I will carry her in my heart forever… and this New Year, I want to ask that you don’t make the same mistake I did once, and don’t leave things unsaid. Not important things, because tomorrow is not promised ♥️

Say it. Write it. Respond. Because grief and regret are far more powerful than pride and ego, and feeling a little bit uncomfortable for a short amount of time.

You never know what will come of it, but it’s better than never knowing at all.

[everydaymamaof3]

New year thoughts…

The New Year. Always a time to reflect, because the calendar says so.. me personally, I’m always reflecting and learning and growing. It’s almost like a nice little boost maybe, or recharge changing the calendar, but, how we see our lives, our ups and downs and ways we need to grow and define, sharpen a little, or let go, doesn’t happen in one night, or with one change of the date.

It’s a process. We’re all a work in progress. That’s the beauty of life.

I found this year some of my growth came the most in my career, with the build and new programming, and as a mom, as well as in my own self awareness. I mean granted, that was kinda forced on all of us, to take stock in our mental and physical health and well being, pretty much on a daily basis, living in a state of worry and what’s next, for 3 years.

I really grew as a mom in so many ways though, navigating an adult, now married, a tweenager, and a young child.

I’m still growing, but realizing that sometimes things happening in their lives affect me more than they affect them, was a big one this year! I know right, only took 25 years of being a mom to figure that one out 🥴

I needed to learn to harness that. I mean don’t get me wrong, that mama lion isn’t far from the surface, but she’s doing more watching than reacting now. Mostly… let’s keep it real here..

2021 threw us a curveball, with childhood anxiety, which was a very interesting road, but one that I learned to manage my own anxiety with. And the beauty of anxiety is it’s front and center now. It’s normal. It’s common. It’s ok. And anyone who judges it, is clearly misinformed or lying about their own. It’s a part of being a human. Whether you call it nerves, or worry, or unsure, or whatever words people feel more “comfortable” using, it’s anxiety. Its natural. Don’t mask it. Or bury it. Or apologize for it. Work with it. Accept it, so that our kids, or we, can recognize it throughout life, and not be ashamed by it, because in the past 50 years, it was a taboo subject. “Stop crying. Dust it off” when crying is the bodies natural way of releasing toxins and stress. That’s like saying stop breathing. It’s our body’s alarm system, and sometimes some have a louder alarm than others. We rocked our way through it. And will again and again if it presents itself. But for now it’s at bay.

I planned a wedding for my first born, gained an incredible son, lived amongst a huge renovation, juggled life as a mom, a working mom, a worried mom, a “I have to fix this” mom, lived in a pandemic, again, with the rest of you, wildfire season take 7, and I’m still sane, so that’s a bonus.

Another big realization, was that I learned to stop beating myself up for not giving enough of me all the time to my 3. When they need me most, I’m there 1000%. And in the middle our marriage and my self gets the attention it needs. But honestly, as nauseating as it may sound, our marriage is so good. It always has been, and I hope always will be. I never take that for granted.

Finding and keeping balance is hard though! It’s really really hard. But I’m no longer striving for something that sometimes is just not achievable. Sometimes our world gets thrown for a loop and we find our groove again. But having this constant pressure to be “balanced” is such a farce. I love the memes, the quotes, the celeb posts about how crucial balance is, but this is real life. And the scale is gonna tip one way or the other sometimes.

I don’t wanna worry about “am I doing enough” in so many of the roles I play. It’s such bullshit. I AM doing enough. Everyone is happy and thriving and my friendships are solid, my marriage is solid, my career is solid, my family is solid. I am solid. That’s what matters.

We still live in a world of comparison. Quantity over quality. Highlight reels. Blah. Doesn’t impress me.

But we’re also starting to see the world be honest and open about hard truths. Entire pages and influencers with bellies after 4 babies, rockin bikinis. That impresses me. People posting their stories. Their hardships. Their struggles. That impresses me. Real connections and relationships, that impresses me. Things that are actually real life relatable.

It’s shifting. Being content and selective about who you have in your circle is trending. Being content and alone is trending. Showing your hidden talents, DIY, being thrifty is trending. Being kind and helpful and selfless is trending. Being honest is trending.

Social media is a huge part of our lives now, and I feel like it’s changing. Almost like it’s transitioning to a modern vintage. New technology and tricks, but old ways and photos, and appreciation for the simple things. A simpler, but full life ♥️ Freckles and stretch marks, scars and wrinkles, although I’m still not quite ready to embrace those yet! I’m very personally anti wrinkle! Not gonna lie.

Podcasts are big. Reels are big. Real is big.

I have again, this past year, stayed consistent in who I am. I’m a creature of habit. I’m honest about me, life’s ups and downs, and still use writing as a form of expression and self care. I feel whole when I write. It’s as much a part of me as my blonde hair, heart on my sleeve, or incredibly bang on intuition. I still feel 25 on the inside, with the only reminder of my age, being when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, or get up off the floor after playing with a toddler.

My family is my world, obviously. My health and well being are at the top of my list, as always. My work is my calling. And my dreams never stop. I love “what’s next”. I’ve learned to accept that I am not that person who can just be and slow down and meditate. I can’t be still for long. My body and mind just aren’t built that way. I live in a go state because it’s me. It’s in my genes. It’s part of who I am, and movement makes me happy! It’s ingrained in my brain that being active and honouring my body is a gift.

I love adventure. I love being home. I love quiet sometimes. I love authentic conversations where I don’t have to worry if what I said was taken the wrong way, or gonna travel beyond our conversation. I love the women in my life who will go to bat for me, and are the same behind me as they are in front of me. The people who clap for us when good things happen, and are there for us when bad things happen, consistently, those are our people.

I love that the pandemic has taught me to value simple things a little more. To care more for the environment. Be more mindful of my daily habits.

I found documentaries more appealing than movies this past year. I took better care of me. More like, I was more aware. Even though it felt like one of the busiest years of our life so far, next to having newborns.

Maybe that’s why I took better care. Because I knew I needed to, to wade through it all.

What a beautiful thing it is to know yourself so well.

I feel a huge sense of gratitude to be given this personal strength every day! And I also feel gratitude for not beating myself up on the days I just wanna crumple up and feel shitty. I have those days, I feel them, and I release them.

It was a year of confusion. But also a year of clarity. A year of fear. But also a year of bravery. A year of protecting our peace. But for some, one of the biggest mental and emotional battles they’ve ever fought, getting caught up in it all, getting consumed by it.

2022. I’m looking forward to what lessons you’ll teach me, as I swim through the ebbs and flows of life ♥️ I feel like I have so much more to do…

[everydaymamaof3]

What makes them tick...

I’ve wanted to blog about my parenting journey through this pandemic for quite some time now.. but I just didn’t have the right amount of words and motivation. Not until now.

So back when this all started, back in March 2020, we were kind of in a state of shock. I remember the exact same feelings inside my body, as what I had when we were forced out of our homes during the wildfires in 2017. No appetite. Confused. Adrenaline. Moody.

And because this lasted so long, I went through a wheel of emotions over time. The wheel would be on a pretty predictable rotation. So once I got the hang of it, a year and a half later, I’m managing it a lot better.

But I never thought about what true emotions the girls were having. People just kept saying, kids are resilient. Kids are fine. Get kids back in school. Kids will be fine if you’re fine. Well how in the actual fuck was anyone fine through this? No other way to ask that question.

Of course we all had moments of fine. But it was trying on us, on levels we can’t describe. What did that do to these young people?

Well we got to witness it first hand with our youngest. It started with an out of her control, bad vibe in the universe. A negative comment. And festered into full blown fear. Would she have experienced this the same way if we weren’t in a pandemic? No. I don’t think so. The problem was, so many of these sensitive to others emotions, kids, were in hyper absorb mode due to what was happening in the world. They were drowning in energy they couldn’t keep up with. Making them hypersensitive to their environment.

She was confident. Fearless. Hilarious. Marched to the beat of her own drum. Which is finally coming back. But I felt like such a failure. Like why is my kid experiencing this? But as time went on, I realized it was an even bigger event than the pandemic. Many parents just didn’t openly talk about like I do. Or they just don’t want to admit it, which is fine. It’s their journey not ours.

Her and I are intertwined in emotions. Being the baby, and the last one syndrome from me, makes that grip just a little bit tighter. It absolutely does not mean I love any of my girls differently. I love them all with 3 parts of my heart. An equal space for each of them. But the characteristics and personality of the youngest and me are in sync. Vs my older girls who are more their fathers daughters, personality wise 💕 But still parts of me and I hold them all equally close.

We are seeing the light and they’re all amazing and thriving and navigating this. My oldest, working in the thick of it as an RN, as a soon to be wife, maybe mother soon, finding her magic as a young adult woman. My middle trying to navigate pre teen, puberty, new emotional development, the pull between friends and family time, balance, me craving just a little bit more of that sweet time we have left where she’s still young...pestering her to choose us over her peers and her own time, which I realize is incredibly selfish...and the littlest learning to tackle her emotions, and that shift where independence becomes crucial, but the crave to still be little is still present. Not fully understanding the world, still needing that canopy of protection above. But also that parachute to jump!

I am not a helicopter mom. I am the farthest from it. But this time in the world brought some helicopter characteristics out in me and I’m kinda pissed about it. I was really quite ashamed of myself a few times, being overprotective, frustrated with other children or their parents, for being mean to mine, which is NORMAL, and any mother who says she’s never done that can add liar to her resume, although I do know it was just feeling sad for my own kid, and sometimes when we feel inadequate or like we’re doing something different than another parent, our reaction isn’t always the right one. I’m a teacher to little humans. I know better, and quite often forget that kids act out of jealousy, just because, peer pressure, or because they developmentally lack that part of the brain that sends the signal of logic. My girls aren’t perfect. And sometimes were probably the cause of battles, but god forbid most mothers admit that to the full extent. We always have a “but”. Ahhh motherhood...

I had an aha moment the other day, prompting the desire to write. I was watching this documentary about the human body. About the different systems. How they function, what makes them tick. And they did this one episode on the nervous system and how to have it operating at its full potential.

It made me stop and think. What are we doing?

I loathe the whole “keeping up with the Jones’s” way of life. Hate it with all of my being. I was not raised that way. My girls are not, and will not be raised that way, because it creates entitlement. Arrogance. Selfishness. As well as the desire to always want what others have. Who wants to live like that?

My mom shopped at bargain stores. The clearance rack, not because we couldn’t afford it, but because she was smart and realized how quickly we outgrew things. I hated it, but now as a mom fully understand it. Expensive stuff was for special occasions. I had unique style, but it was who I was. To the point I had a clock face purse in grade 8, that everyone made fun of me for, but I could’ve cared less. I still remember that purse. I remember how excited I was when she bought it for me at Mariposa.. remember that store. My oldest was raised the same.. no I’m sorry, I’m not gonna put myself in debt to buy you $300 jeans. Just not happening when a $50 pair looks exactly the same. The girls have never once asked for something because someone else has it. Actually that’s a lie, maybe after seeing a toy or something they’ve asked, but it’s only been one time, and never heard about again, kind of request.

I want them to be individual people. I want to know what makes them tick. What brings out their potential?

Our middle daughter came home with a career paper that she wrote recently. She’s an incredible writer. She keeps pages of stories and music in her room, that I never thought twice about. Just thought, “oh yeah, she’s like me, likes to write like I did when I was a kid”. We’re helping fuel her passion for baking and creating cakes... but then I read this.. she has another passion too.

Then while thinking about them, I thought why do we always compare our kids to us? We want them to be little versions of us. But the thing is, they’re not.

After reading her paper, I sat and thought. Our youngest is moved by music. She dances non stop. She dances out the door in the morning, she sings constantly and moves. She dances in my room, in her room, always wants music around her and it’s what makes her tick.

So I said to my husband, I want a recording studio room for one and a dance studio area for the other. And we are making that happen. We’ll start gathering a few recording equipment pieces and set up a space for one. And my dad will come and work his retired papa magic in our basement that is honestly just full of stuff, to create a dance space. It’s simple. It’s doable. It could be the key to unlock potential we aren’t aware of yet. They show us little bits and pieces of what makes them tick...and quite often we miss it, because we are busy doing life... I wanna embrace that. I did a bit with my oldest, however in retrospect I so badly wish I did more. She wanted to be a marine biologist, after several trips to the Aquarium. Her eyes would light up, she talked about it non stop, it was that “thing” that she dreamed about. And ya never know, maybe one day she’ll walk that path. She did get into the medical field, and is close to home so I guess I shouldn’t complain.

I hate the pandemic for bringing out the worst in people. For creating a level of hypocrisy in humans that I hope we can recover from. For the confusion. For the divide. For the fear. For the frustration. But I love the pandemic for making me have thoughts I maybe wouldn’t have had. For giving me moments to think and to watch, and be more aware of mine and my girls emotions and dreams. For making me aware of other people’s behaviour and lack of practicing what they preach. For opening my eyes more. But feeling empathetic and understanding of most, because I too have been riding the same roller coaster.

I love the pandemic for making me the mom I am in this moment. For helping me raise strong, kind and driven young ladies who will live their life with purpose. That’s all I want.

We’re gonna go through a lot of stuff over the next chapter of their lives, as raising teenage girls is my next roller coaster ride, but as crazy as it sounds, I’m grateful for this test the past year and a half. I feel like in a way, I grew. In the most important, emotional ways as a mom. Ways that have made me more “observer”, than “knower”. If that’s even a word.

[everydaymamaof3]

It’s been awhile since I blogged...

Summer is coming, and with that, women go into “I hate my body” mode. Diets are in full swing. Exercise programs are googles number one search topic.

Weight loss is a multi billion dollar industry. And every Tom Dick and Harriet, is trying to find a way to make money off of it. It’s constantly in our faces. Pressure to be a certain way. More products than I can count. On every platform, in every stage of life.

So often times, people will ask me about my past. “What happened” “why”

Well, I can tell you exactly why and what happened to me. It started in my head. Low self esteem.

I hated my body. That’s it. That’s all.

Growing up, I was the tallest amongst my peers, and I carried some extra weight. I was chubby. I had a terrible relationship with food. I’d sneak ice cream after school, plates of leftover dinner. I over ate from a young age.

Fast forward to high school. I was the biggest out of my friends. I couldn’t borrow clothes, except sweatshirts or baggy hoodies. The boys paid attention to all of them, not me. I was called fat all of the time. And even though I hung out with the “popular” girls, and had a rough exterior, take no shit, I’m the shit, attitude... I was an absolute mess inside.

My best friend was a goddess. She was tall, gorgeous, thin, hilarious, kind, smart, she was genuinely the whole package, and I was so lucky to have her as my sidekick. She stood up for me, she made me feel ok. She boosted me up when I wanted to die. I remember once, on a road trip, she had my back.... this group of girls in a McDonalds were whispering and giggling, looked at me, laughed and said, “fat girls shouldn’t eat at McDonald’s”, and honestly, I wasn’t that big. She marched over like a bull about to charge and tore a strip off of them! She helped me survive being a teenage girl, and I’ll forever hold her close to my heart.

As I got older, I developed multiple eating disorders. I ate buckets of ice cream and purged. I starved myself. I took pills. I counted calories in a journal, the less the better I thought...some days 400, some days 200. I made my stomach so unhealthy and so sick, I started having bouts with Hypoglycaemia, iron deficiency, and IBS. I still battle symptoms of IBS because of the damage I did to my stomach taking so many diet pills and drinks and shakes. Mass amounts of caffeine and god knows what. Appetite suppressants...the list of concoctions goes on. Never ever again!

Jump ahead to my late twenties, depression, substances. I got very thin very fast. I was a size 0, and I was very sick. Gaunt. Pale. But the men noticed. Suddenly I was “attractive”.

I went to a program, and had access to nutritionists, counsellors... and two things that each one of them told me have forever been etched in my brain. 1-quick never sticks, from the nutritionist. 2-Jamie, you have a very powerful and strong personality. You have the ability to influence people to go one way or the other. Use this wisely. It’s a gift.

After I re discovered myself. Made peace with my body, I never forgot this. And I started writing. I started writing things that maybe make others uncomfortable. But they’re real subjects. Real life. And 14 years later, I’m still writing. Everyday. It’s my routine. It’s my release. It’s my duty. As a woman, and as a mom to 3 girls.

I finally love my body. It’s so strong and beautiful. It has scars. It has lines. Actually, back up, I do not like wrinkles on my face. So I take care of them, but the rest, meh. I can never change my stomach. Ever. I’ve had 3 csections and what remains is skin. Surgery sure. But unless I go down that road, what’s the sense in battling with it? When I read a statement like, take this or do this to look like me, it bothers me because I know it isn’t physically possible.

I think I finally realized the biggest push behind my fall, was that I craved attention. I craved that attention from boys that I didn’t get in high school. It was all mental. It was all toxic. I felt left out, I felt alone. I felt like a failure. And people calling me names was something I was used to, whether it was to my face or behind my back, so as I continued down a self destructive path, I was familiar with being frowned upon. I craved so badly to be thinner. However that happened.

I was lucky though.. my family cared. They noticed when I was too sick. They noticed when I would eat a huge dinner, and go to the bathroom after. My mom would just give me a look. I knew she knew. Maybe that held me accountable? Helped me stop? Many girls aren’t that lucky and that breaks my heart, that they are suffering in silence. Trying to be thinner, prettier... let’s just take the “Er” out of life how about!

Sometimes addiction doesn’t happen the way people think it happens. Because of a traumatic experience. Or shitty home life. Sometimes it develops over time because of low self esteem. Comparison. Thinking that all bodies are the same. Wanting to fit in. Thinking we can have 6 packs like a woman who’s never had their stomach stretch like a beachball, to house a baby, or who’s genes are completely different than ours. The solution to our war with ourselves doesn’t come in a pill. Or in a drink. It has to come from inside.

I have such a great relationship with food now, portion control, healthy choices, habits I’ve learned over many years. No yo yo’ing. Deprivation. Restriction. I love to exercise. I love to run. I have flaws, but my body is strong and healthy, and with my healthy mindset, we work great together. I feel unstoppable, I have zero desire to fit in, I just focus on what matters, and my relationship with myself, and I know myself so incredibly well.

What a different world it would be for women, if we learned to love all of us. Through all 4 seasons of life ♥️

[everydaymamaof3]

I think many of us are quite content to bid farewell to 2020! Although I did find a lot of good in the year as well! Loungewear became the top trending fashion, we visited more waterfalls and beautiful B.C., than ever before, we spent so much time together as a family, and with an upcoming tweenager, that time is so precious. I loved the downtime. I loved the goodness so many showed towards others. We saw the darkest side of humanity, and we also saw the brightest.

The sequence of events that happened for us to achieve our goals were perfectly in sync. Huge goals that have been on my vision board for the past 3 years. I actually took off 4 achieved goals and put up 3 new (I highly recommend vision boards). But the weight of the world made it really difficult to celebrate achievements, if you know what I mean... lots of things were exciting, but the feelings just couldn’t come to the surface, almost like I was sitting in front of a calculus test. Blank. No matter how deep inside I reached, it was just blank. Does that make sense? Lots of things were exciting, and hard, and crazy, and unimaginable, and eye opening and and and...but the emotions were just this strange, numb, auto pilot feeling.

The hardest part was the fact that we all became the emotional trampolines for our families and friends. For ourselves. Some of us felt claustrophobic in our own skin, what in the actual f*#% is happening, tight chests, irrational, not sure if we wanna laugh or cry, at least 5 times a day. My youngest got dealt the anxiety card, and it nearly broke me... I’ve never cried more, felt helpless more as a mama! I over analyzed so much this year, I felt like I had a year long out of body experience! And I know I’m not anywhere close to being alone on that one.

Things changed in the world. Things will continue to change. This shift will be felt for a long time to come, but it’s up to us to allow how it affects us. Wise words of Budha, “all that we are, is a result of what we have thought”. If we think everything is hard and awful, it will be.

Now here we are, ready to open a new chapter on a brand new year. Open a new calendar. The feelings are coming to the surface. I can visualize now. I see more clearly. I found excitement, for my oldest daughters wedding, however it happens, for a new work space, for what’s to come...I don’t want to feel shitty this year. I don’t want to be worried about every bad day my kids have. They’re growth days. I should know that like the back of my hand! I don’t want to dwell on anything bad or sad or ugly. I don’t want the energy from the outside world to determine my day to day. I don’t want to hear or read people be mean to each other. That’s completely in my control. Walk away. Unfollow. Hide. Done. Not my circus, not my monkeys.

One thing that is true, is that we’re all humans. We’re all fragile. And I personally am putting my soul on a strict budget this coming year! It can’t afford negative vibes, stress, envy, or doubt ♥️

Resolutions are not my fave. I’m gonna continue being me. I like me. I like who she’s become. And I’ll continue to surround myself with people I can be me with. Not try and fit in anywhere, or with anyone that makes me uncomfortable. Do what I always do and put my family first, focus on our goals, focus on my work with the littles, my health, helping out where I can. Keep life simple but fulfilling ♥️ It’s impossible to not have bad days, it’s impossible to not be affected by things out of our control, but let the bad days come, and then let them go. That in itself takes practice.

I’m looking forward to continuing writing.. dreaming up new goals and projects.... it’s a part of who I am.. over 10 years of daily blogs.. and a personal blog, life’s journey’s in motherhood, womanhood, human hood, celebrating milestones and swimming through life’s ebbs and flows... life changes and evolves, and so do we. 2021 is a great place to start evolving in any way you need to ♥️ and that thing you’ve been wanting to go for...go for it. There’s always a way ♥️

[everydaymamaof3]

Grateful for scars...

I usually write something about my gratitude for my life. My family. My job. My friends. My health and all the wonderful things in my world. But for this Thanksgiving, I’m also grateful for my scars.

Every year, when the weather gets cooler and starts to change seasons, a red mark appears under my left eye. About the size of a dime. It aches something awful when it’s cold, and gets a deep red, reminding me of one of my darkest days.

One night, about 17 years ago, I went to our local pub. I was in the midst of my self destruction, and had a cocktail of crutches in my system.

I remember sitting across the bar from a couple of guys who got into an argument. The next thing I knew, I was punched by one of them. Punched so hard that I think my eye socket, or upper cheek bone, was fractured. I say I think, because I never had it checked.

I fell to the ground, and the rest is a blur. I remember little bits and pieces, making my way to the nightclub next door, the strobe lights. And the next thing I remember is paramedics over top of me, calling my name, people laughing in the background, some also concerned, standing over me calling my name. I had collapsed. And many assumed it was due to the cocktail, but few knew it was because I had a concussion as well, from the hit.

A few people clapped as they toted me out of the club on a stretcher. Read that again. People clapped. It’s strange how that’s what I remember.

I don’t however, remember any of what happened next, but I had my stomach pumped, and needed help breathing in the ER.

I woke up the next morning, completely unaware of where I was, and had a nurse say to me while holding a tube in her hand, “we had to use this on you last night. Your clothes are on the chair”.

I got up, wobbly, still unaware of what I was gonna see when I looked in the mirror. I closed the curtain and put my filthy, night before, clothes on.

I then walked home alone.

When I got home, I looked in the mirror. The whole side of my face was black and blue and swollen. I had to face my daughter looking like that. And that was the only thing that mattered to me. I didn’t care about being, once again, the talk of the town. None of that mattered. I was used to it and the small minds and glass houses, that were always behind it.

Every year when the season changes, and my cheek bone aches, I think about how it still hurts sometimes, but it healed, on its own, just like I did. And I’m grateful for this little red mark on my face. It’s a bold reminder of where I once was, and where I am now.

Someone said to me, stop revisiting and apologizing for your past. I am not apologizing. I am talking about it. I am bringing light to real life. To what people are capable of. To the possibility of change in the most incredible ways. To what it means to struggle. Because what you see visually, isn’t what, or who people are. We all have stories. And we’ve all overcome something dark at one point or another in our lives. We should always be grateful for life’s scars. And be grateful for every day we get to spend on this earth appreciating them. Some aren’t as fortunate, and sometimes I feel guilty about that. But I will never stop telling my stories, because they are one chapter after the next of growth, triumph, mistakes, failures, successes, achievements, grief, love, new life, milestones and so much more...all of the building blocks of life.

She knew her scars were simply proof that she was a warrior, who won a hard battle ♥️

[everydaymamaof3]

An awakening in a new decade...

2020, A new decade. A decade where we seem to be a bit more awakened to the world and to all of the bs, corruption and harm in it! We care about our planet and it’s species, more now than ever...and it’s funny because this was the prediction for 2012. The mayans predicted an awakening felt across the world. So maybe this awakening is just a little bit late.

For me personally, it’s also a bit of an awakening, this is an amazing decade ahead, of things I’ve manifested. I plan to expand my business. My first born daughter is getting married, and has followed her career dreams. My husband is doing incredibly well in his position. My girls are thriving. My friendships are genuine and real. My self esteem is on point. My focus is clear. My goals are precise. But it wasn’t always this way. And I will continue to be a work in progress. I manifested my main goal in life, to be a good mom, inspiring, and an honest role model. Even though I made some terrible choices in the past, I still managed to do this. You are not your past.

Some things that I’ve learned from the last decade about myself are, I still suffer a very small amount, from insecurities due to other people’s views of me. It’s psychological I’ve realized. It’s from emotional trauma through my period of self destruction. People can be so cruel. There’s no way to sugar coat this. And through my difficult time, other people’s views affected me more than they’ll ever know. Whispering, judging, spreading rumours...it DESTROYS people. It took me 12 years of clarity, to finally feel and realize that people do this out of their own insecurities. A good trick I’ve learned, is to look for the good in people, and ask yourself, why are they the way they are? Why do they find me so interesting. Why do they whisper about others? Why do they treat people that way? Why do they need other people to make them feel whole? When you turn bitterness, jealousy, and envy, into empathy or even sympathy and curiosity, and start to think about them and their choices and surroundings, it’s much easier to swallow and to move past it. And you know what, if you have these feelings, that is OK! Whether people are or aren’t judging you. If you didn’t have these feelings, you wouldn’t be human! We all get jealous, or envious, or insecure. Just figure out how to deal with it. How to release it. It’s NOT your burden to carry what others think of you.

I’ve learned that my body is beautiful, I love it. It brought me my beautiful daughters. My husband finds it sexy. He loves my curves, my strong arms, and even my little bit of cottage cheese on the backs of my thighs. Yep I said it. And cellulite sucks. Bless sarongs.

We live in an era now where social media is taking over the world, almost forcefully it seems. It’s become a normal part of our lives. It’s how people communicate, stay in touch, blog, inspire, sell, promote, complain...which isn’t great, but hey, better out than in (wise words from Shrek). People are open about anxiety and depression and panic attacks, and the struggles of parenthood, and many more struggles, and it’s much more normalized now, because it IS part of being human. A big trend in society is wellness. Documentaries on thinking yourself well, how the mind and attitude contribute to your overall health. Which, I mean, how great is that? There’s a huge abundance of it on social media.

I personally get anxiety from time to time, I recognize it, I share it, using writing to express myself, I move past it, and I find a lot of inspiring, real life women from across the globe, posting about the very same thing, and how they personally cope and manage. It’s a great tool for advice, tips and feeling human.

Exercise is my go to for EVERYTHING! Same routine for the past 10 plus years. Up early, coffee, workout, start the day. I love working out in the comfort of my home, I didn’t always, but once I got into a good groove, I really started to love it, and as I’m aging, I’m also noticing more tweaks and pangs in my body, so I listen. I alternate workouts, whether it’s running, or yoga, or HIIT, or my newest passion, spin!

I feel good, I feel fit, I’m not skinny. I’m strong, and maintaining muscle mass as we age is crucial in keeping our bodies strong, so if I can emphasize one thing, it’s be, and stay active. Good for mental health and good for physical health. And please don’t diet! It’s a short term solution! Be patient and consistent with just a well balanced diet, smaller portions, better choices, vegan is seriously amazing, and do something active everyday for at least 20 minutes.

Now back to the social media thing...it’s a wonderful tool, but it’s also a very damaging tool to people suffering from low self esteem or who are comparison living. I find myself getting caught up in it too sometimes. And I notice my emotions drastically change. I don’t feel great, and it turns into irritation, and mood swings. Hmmm irritation and mood swings from scrolling social media? Sound familiar? Yeah...because it happens to most of us. What is it exactly? Jealousy? Annoyed? Just an overload of pretend? Comparing? So guess what...change it. Unfollow. Hide. Or eliminate. Anyone who doesn’t make you feel good when you see their picture or post, should not be on your feed. My biggest goal this year and forward, quality in life, over quantity. “The little red heart on Instagram is now widely considered currency for public approval” ~ Health Canada How unhealthy does that sound?

Some don’t like my honesty, but I’ll never change who I am because of it. I like to share personal and honest so that whomever out there, even if it’s just one person, can read it, and exhale and feel normal or not alone.

You don’t have to accept aging if you don’t want to. You can express being overwhelmed. You don’t have to be a part of something that you can’t be yourself in. You don’t have to go to that family function. You don’t have to please people. An actual statistic, 64% of women have people pleasing coping mechanisms!!! 64%!! That’s 6.5 out of 10 women are trying to please others at the cost of what?

You are the only person who can protect your peace and those who matter in your life, really don’t mind. Remember my blog about the ripple affect. It’s very real. Push yourself to be or do what you don’t really want to be or do, and watch it ripple down into other aspects of your life. Relationships shift, weight shifts, work is harder than normal, motivation tanks...it all gets affected when you aren’t living true to yourself. And when I say true to yourself, I mean, when you are feeling at your best, not questioning anything, or putting yourself in uncomfortable situations, when you feel like the best version of you, stop and take note of what’s exactly going on in your life, and strive for more of that. It’s not all gonna be perfect, there’s always gonna be ebbs and flows...but you shouldn’t be living everyday feeling awful on the inside, but smiling on the outside. Reach out. Or write it down and burn it. Find a way to get back to you. Have a time out.

Surround yourself with people who truly inspire you. Who are consistent in their behaviour. Who you feel really good around. Not unsure, or uneasy. That, my friends is your intuition speaking to you when you don’t feel quite right around a person or people, or in a situation you shouldn’t be in. Listen to it.

Yes it’s great to step out of your comfort zone, but not at the cost of your peace.

I used to feel bad about being such a home body, I’m missing this and that, but in the past few years I’ve stopped feeling bad about it, because this time, right now, this tiny window of time that I have with my kids is so valuable and important to ME personally. Travelling with my family, weekend activities, downtime.. I’ll have all the time in the world to do other things when they’re grown. And that’s just me. Some women thrive on ALL of it! And you are amazing too! I feel overwhelmed and get run down easily if I pile my plate too high...maybe because I’m an energy absorber? Maybe not. But I’ve learned that I don’t function at my best on mom auto pilot. I’ve learned though to say, I’m tapping out, BEFORE the eruption of motherhood. That’s part of getting to know yourself. Time with your spouse. Time out. You time.

Don’t set unrealistic goals, don’t force yourself to do things you don’t wanna do, celebrate yourself with self care as much as you can, confide in your spouse, or closest confidantes, and nobody else, change jealousy and bitterness to empathy and curiosity about why people are the way they are. And use challenges with people as growth.. what did I learn from this.

Everyone’s fighting a battle we know nothing about! Even the happiest people in the world have struggles now and again!

I’m enjoying the shift I see happening in the universe. People calling people out for their wrong doings. Not accepting that in our world more and more. Reusing more. Not ashamed to state we buy used. Used clothing is no longer taboo! People are spending more time with family. More time getting to know themselves, FOMO is becoming a thing of the past, as it’s now trendy to enjoy being a homebody, listening to a podcast. Women are empowering each other more than ever. If a woman is body shamed by one or two, one hundred or two hundred are defending her. Magazine covers are curvy women, elderly women, disabled women...and they’re just as beautiful, as any model that graced the covers in the past. Men are allowed to cry and show emotion, and promote being family men and active dads over “bread winners and workaholics”. Skinny is out. Healthy is in. Strong is in. Kindness is in. Vegan is in. So even though the world still seems a bit scary, it is shifting...focus on the positives. And allow yourself to have days where you see the negatives, but don’t stay there, allow it, move on. You are human. It’s not only unrealistic, but unfair to yourself to not have bad days! They’re growth days ♥️

Living your life simply, true to yourself, focused on the right priorities, knowing you are loved, and giving love back, is how you manifest all the goodness and goals and dreams. Living otherwise is putting a block on allowing good things into your life ✨ Just be you and watch the magic happen.

[everydaymamaof3]

𝓒𝓱𝓸𝓬𝓸𝓵𝓪𝓽𝓮 𝓶𝓪𝓴𝓮𝓼 𝓮𝓿𝓮𝓻𝔂𝓽𝓱𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓫𝓮𝓽𝓽𝓮𝓻

[everydaymamaof3]

Making healthy platters like this gets my kids to eat a variety of fruits and vegetables! I don’t know why it’s more appealing to them, but I’ll make this, put it on the table and they’ll eat almost all of it! I put a few strawberries on a plate, nope.

[everydaymamaof3]

Food prep Sundays! Timesavers through the week, for those morning school lunch rushes!

And even though it looks like it takes more time, it really only takes an hour or a little over! Finding balance is making changes in your life to have smoother days, less stress, more time for important things like sharing breakfast with your kids, rather than running around like a mad woman!

[everydaymamaof3]

The Ripple Effect

Being fit physically, comes along when you’re also fit in other ways in your life, mentally, emotionally, spiritually....for me, for years now, I’ve made the choice to not work a full week, so I wasn’t exhausted and so I could be at my best. I made the choice to eat right, to exercise, to keep my circle real and small, to make sure I have enough downtime, to be open and honest to those around me about motherhood, marriage, self esteem, past struggles. How I got to this place....and I am very protective of my personal peace and of my family’s peace.

I go to bed early, get up early, enjoy my coffee and workout while everyone sleeps, and get the girls lunches and bags ready for their day, before they’re up, so I can spend less time amongst morning chaos, and more time, letting them eat at a pace that isn’t shovelling, get dressed at a pace that isn’t clothes flying and tears, and have a little morning conversation rather than “hurry up, EAT, get your bag, LET’S GO!” I just can’t start our day like that...and don’t get me wrong, those days do still happen, and I very much dislike them! Confide in people you trust, appreciate those friendships, invest in yourself, do what you feel passionate about...and do your best to avoid drama. I don’t know about you, but if someone tries to bring drama to my life, or I’ve upset someone, or I’m saying yes when I want to say no, it’s like a nasty little tick. It sits there, and buries and buries, until it gets through to our most sensitive layers...it affects me mentally, emotionally, physically, and when you’re depleted in any of those ways, it affects everything, and everyone around you too. You’re too tired to exercise properly, to eat properly, to sleep properly. It’s a ripple effect. And it shows up in an ugly monster, where we get heart palpitations at the driver hogging the left lane, or our kids spilling a glass of juice, or our husbands saying anything wrong...which could be as simple as “have you seen my sock?”

I want to be at my best for my girls, for my husband, for my family and friends, for the kids I teach, and most importantly for me ✨ Staying focused, and driven, and wanting this very short lifetime to be spent doing what I love, with those I love, so that the ripple effect is positive and productive, and at the same time, continue writing daily, and maybe bring a little bit of real life light to those who need it! We live in a very “pretend” world, and we’re all struggling to find ourselves, find our place on this huge planet...just be you, I know easier said than done, but try and find that balance that works for you, you’ll thank yourself and it’ll spread to all other areas of your life ❤️ You’ll have the energy you need to be your best self ✨ And when you don’t, do an internal checklist and see what needs tweaking so that you can get back to it.

[everydaymamaof3]

He Was a Humble Man ❤️

My father in law recently passed away. He was 78 years old, and one of the most humble, genuine, unique human beings that I have ever known.

We got the news two and a half years ago, after Christmas, that he had prostate cancer.

He suffered from chronic bladder pain for years before this diagnosis, and was continuously sent home with antibiotics for a bladder infection. Which turned out, wasn’t the case. He had a thick Russian accent, and was difficult to understand most times, so for our own peace of mind, we like to think it was the language barrier that prevented him from being looked at further.

You see he was a very simple man. No fuss. He’d often say, “we all die, it’s no matter, but you must eat the garlic, and the vegetables”

Seriously, garlic like craaazy! If he boiled potatoes, he saved the water for soup. Bones were so valuable to him for the same reason, soup. He had a little messy garden outside of his little apartment above his flooring store, and he still managed to grow the most amazing vegetables! Again, no fuss. Soil, sunshine, water.

I’d always giggle when we’d go visit his apartment...he had socks and clothes hanging everywhere, a bench seat out of a van, was his couch, coffee cans of change, toonies and loonies, everywhere, that he would tape with electrical tape and give to his grandkids, when the coffee cans got full. We started our girls post secondary education account with that very change. He had food everywhere, on the counter, garlic...he ate a lot of garlic, soups, vegetables, and my favourite was how he slept in a tiny little twin bed that had been in the family for years. Again, no fuss. He’d buy caselot items by the dozens if they were on for a good price and we’d always come home with arrowroot crackers, or coffee, or canned artichoke hearts, tissue...and it wasn’t because he didn’t have money, he had plenty, he just lived simply.

Material possessions to him were useless, just cost more money. BUT, he always wanted to make sure his boys were taken care of, anything they needed, if was within his means, he would give it without hesitation. For our wedding gift he bought us an entire water purification system for our house because he wanted his granddaughters to drink good water. Things that were important meant something to him. He was the only human being I have met to this day, other than my grandmother, that actually had a twinkle in their eye. When we would arrive to visit, I would see the twinkle. Every time. His eyes would water, his smile was wide and he would laugh as he would put both hands on the girls cheeks and kiss them 100 times I swear! They’d of course be smiling and knew what was coming...he did it since they were babies. His family was his entire world. Every single bit of his heart was occupied with his sons and their families.

I remember when we first learned of his illness, my husband was completely rocked to his core. He didn’t handle it well...which later I learned is sometimes how men grieve. A little differently than women. I’m sure not in all cases, but most. I, for one, would’ve cried. He just got angry. Angry that his dad, this wonderful man who wouldn’t hurt a fly, who grew up poor in Uruguay, and worked his heart out for his family, was cursed with cancer. Damn you cancer.

He chose a natural route. Supplements, vitamin injections, a natural approach! He ate the pits of apricots, visited a naturopath. This took so much of his money, as it was all completely and outrageously expensive. Had he gone the more conventional route, he would’ve been covered by medical. But I think his approach may have bought him more time. Throughout the entire length of time he was living with the cancer, which was in his bones, his urinary tract, his prostate, it only grew in the slightest bit. He continued on, moved in with the youngest brother and rested a bit more. Went fishing, made sure his affairs were all in order... he would have good days and bad days, days he wanted more time, days he faced it. We didn’t know how much time he had. Some appointments were good, some were not good, or more so confusing. I wasn’t impressed with the medical professionals that dealt with him...I felt as though, because of his age, his language barrier, he was brushed aside more often than not. That angered everyone more than anything.

It was always on our minds. He and my husband would talk every Sunday...catch up on the goings on, the girls, the business...and the question, “how is he” always followed.

Fast forward to a few months ago. The cancer found a spot on his spine to latch on to and it caused him excruciating pain. So much so, that this no fuss, I’m fine, humble man needed emergency care. Once it was realized that the cancer on his spine could potentially hinder his movement, they decided radiation was the only option. He was flown to a Cancer clinic closer to his home where he underwent radiation. From that point on, it went downhill very fast..

Makes me wonder. What if? The grand question many of us have when we lose a loved one for any other reason than old age.

Trying to be there for my husband was hard. I wasn’t sure how to be there, or what to say other than, are you ok? What can I do? I love you..a shoulder rub, a hug, a kiss...let me harbor some of this pain for you!

Death is so hard to grasp. To cope with for the living, yet we all have to face it one day.

But until that time, I plan to honor my father in law by living more simply, trying not to waste, treating things as simple as potato water, as if it is as valuable as a 50 year old bottle of wine. Not to fuss over the small stuff. To show my love always, and my excitement to see those I love, maybe with a twinkle in my eye if I’m so fortunate. He left a lasting impression for me and his name will be spoken often in our home. His memory will live on.

May he live in peace at the river that brought him so much joy, and gave his sons some of their fondest memories to cherish forever

[everydaymamaof3]

[everydaymamaof3]

Comparison is the thief of joy

Hello hello! I’ve missed blogging! Life has been so busy! Good grief! Sports, school, work, life, mommying...it seemed to explode as soon as spring hit! Not that I’m complaining..I’m a person who functions well with busy...until of course I don’t. The mom crash. BUT, I’m super fortunate enough to know myself and know when I’m starting to turn into a raging lunatic, or crying over a Facebook story about a pigeon, that it’s time to take a breather or slow things down a bit. When your plate turns into a platter...that’s when it’s ok to miss your kids soccer practice, or dance class, or or or. I mean, don’t punish the kids by taking that away, but maybe see if gramma can do it, or a friend. Take 5. It’s ok. You aren’t any less of a rockstar mom. During those times I tell my husband, you’re up! I’m off the clock from 6-8pm. I love our bedtime routine though, so always clock back in at 8!

So recently I posted on my Facebook about changing my life 12 years ago. How I’ve done it. What works for me etc. I basically just talked about how it’s family first. I keep my circle of friends small and genuine. Heck I’m still close to 5 of my high school girlfriends and have some beautiful girlfriends that have been in my world since my twenties and thirties, and now forties. The ones who know your secrets. Know your quirks. Know you think too much. Over analyze too much. Worry too much. Get worked up too much...but still love you to bits because you’re also funny, incredibly honest, helpful, and always there...when I say you, I mean me 😆

After my post I got some really good feedback from women who needed to hear that, at that time, on that day. Funny how that works.

Women who were struggling with FOMO. And seriously I hate that. Not the feedback, but the whole FOMO thing! It’s exhausting!

That’s the tricky thing with social media. In fact that’s the tricky thing with life. Everyone posts the highlight reels. The besties they’re hanging out with. The places they’re visiting, the coffees with “the girls”. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, I love seeing it...but when you’re a person who is feeling the effects of FOMO, it creates a recipe for self destruction. And once upon a time, that was me. I felt like all I did was stay at home with my kids, work, visit with my family..but hey...now in my 40’s, I quite like that. And don’t get me wrong, feeling good in your own skin is an inside job, but the outside can deeply affect that too.

My ten year old is already starting to experience comparison, and it’s heart breaking. “Just teach her to love herself, love her body” is the classic phrase people use when we moms struggle with this, but as much as we do that, it still affects them. It’s just a matter of how much...it honestly scares me. But all I really can do is be a role model for them..

I think it’s great and so refreshing to see pictures from events, weddings, graduations, birthdays, trip photos are my favourite, newborn babies, life...but what I’m saying is, when a person is feeling overwhelmed, or feeling like they are missing out on living because they’re stay at home moms, or working moms, or single moms, and dads...or just introverts who really truly love being alone, I think that’s when this “fear of missing out” becomes tough to manage.

It’s ok to want to be with your kids. It’s ok to say no to something you aren’t really comfortable going to. It’s ok to have a marriage that you don’t have to prove is amazing with trips and photos and and and. If you and your spouse are happy with a foot rub and a movie, that’s just as amazing!

We get so caught up in the pretend world of social media, that we start wanting things we truly don’t want. It happens to me too, even to this day, once in a while.

When you are experiencing FOMO, or comparison living, guess what happens? In creeps low self esteem, insecurity, anxiety...and why? Because we try to convince ourselves that we should be doing what people tell us we should be doing. And they don’t even have to say it, it’s around us all the time, everyday, in every way, in this new world of social media living. Parents are feeling less like good parents because of memes, or posts, or shares. Women are feeling less than beautiful or unique or genuine because of posts or memes. Just live. Do what makes YOU happy. What makes YOU feel good. What lessens your anxiety, or what makes you feel the most comfortable!

And don’t misunderstand what I’m saying too. Try new things..explore new places and do what you can to travel and explore...the world is so big and beautiful, but not at the cost of your peace. It is the one thing in the world we should protect as much as we try to protect our children.

I mean come on, it’s hard enough being a woman. Being a mom. Being a multitasker, the human calendar...why add to that by stressing about trying to be someone we’re not?

I post selfies and use filters. I post travel pictures. I post highlight reels...but I also post about real life. The good the bad and the ugly! I utilize social media daily, and it has strong points and weak points. It’s up to us how we use it and how we let it influence our life. So I hope I’ve never made anyone feel like they should be more of something, or better at something, and if I have, I’m sorry. My goal and intention is to make people feel good. Feel human. Feel normal, with my writing..

Put your phone down, when you feel like you’re starting to feel the effects of “missing out”. Because I promise, when you pick it back up, it will still be the same stuff.

Take a break from comparison...it’s the thief of joy...

[everydaymamaof3]

You’d think I know better

Gah! You know how you tell yourself something, and you feel pumped about it, and you swear you’ll get there...but then it goes in the opposite direction? Yep that’s been me the past couple of weeks! I told myself I would lose a few pounds before I stand up for one of my closest friends in her wedding, and all of a sudden, I became lazy in my close to vegan eating, and guess what? I felt like complete garbage! I know better!!

Eating healthy, juicing, eating vegan, making vegan dishes, exploring vegan dishes, makes me feel amazing! My body, my mind, my energy levels...

Now don’t get me wrong, I haven’t been here eating ribs, or candy bars or anything like that, I’ve just been grabbing whatever is easiest. Perogies? Taco Tuesday? With Yves veggie meat of course, but not really taking the time to prep and have those veggies and fruits ready to grab and cook!

I’ve been sore. I’ve been sluggish. My body is saying, hold up now, let’s get back on that healthy eating wagon how bout?

Tomorrow I’m making juice, I’m prepping veggies, I’m making something with a giant sweet potato I’ve had sitting on the counter, and getting back into my healthy happy groove!

Sometimes just rollin with a healthy lifestyle, and not putting any expectations or time limits on things, or setting ourselves up for failure, is a perfectly fine way to live!

Fall off the hamster wheel of healthy living, hop back on!

[everydaymamaof3]

Am I Doing This Right?

It's been a little while since I blogged. I just didn't have the time, working on finishing my certification, kids, work, life. I felt a bit like I had a mental block or fog too. There was definitely a shift happening in my world. Couldn't really put a finger on it...but the fog started making sense recently. I am a mama to three girls. A young adult, a tween and a young child. My world is filled with their ups and downs, their transitions, their challenges...and right now, during these ages, it's a lot of transitions and growth. My oldest is about to graduate University, thinking about where they'll live, where she'll get hired as an RN. Where, benefits both of them, her and her fiance. So in the back of my mind, I'm thinking of places, I'm thinking of the move, how far away, the changes coming, picturing places they'll rent or maybe buy, imagining their future. A backyard maybe? All good positive, next steps of life thoughts....will we see them at Christmas? What kind of shifts will she have? All while also thinking of their wedding. Budgeting. Planning. Catering. Maybe that’s just my over excited thoughts? I am excited! My daughter is getting married and starting a career as a nurse. It makes the moments I felt like a complete failure as a mother, feel like an eternity ago, and so meaningless now.

So that's just one kiddo who's life is on my mind. My tween, well, she's only ten, but I'm starting to see a glimmer of a tweenager. I've really been paying close attention to her mood swings. Her frustrations, her attitude shifts. For awhile, I was so stressed about it, she was just easily irritated, easily frustrated, more emotional than normal, and the mother, Sherlock Holmes in me, was struggling to figure out what was going on. Well, I figured it out. It was her tablet. Now know this, I am not a person who judges, I don't care how much time other people's children spend on tablets, or what you use them for, these opinions are strictly my own, and behaviour I personally noticed in my own child.

She was on it for maybe an hour or so a day...sometimes not at all...I thought, meh, she's just watching craft videos, funny videos, but then we started noticing the attitude, the withdraw. I would notice her go from completely entranced by the screen, to pissed off at the world when she was told to put it away. Ok. I see what's happening here. So, we had a family meeting, and we eliminated tablets Monday to Friday. They're allowed to have them on Friday evenings, Saturdays on our hour long sport commute, and Sundays for an hour in the morning. I started looking at what they were watching. Kids doing stupid things. Kids lip syncing. 5 minute crafts was featuring how to turn your t shirt into a belly shirt. Or how to plump up your lips by sticking them in a plastic container??! Why are my children so interested in this. So I felt a bit like I wasn't doing my job as a parent, allowing them to watch these things. The headline 5 minute crafts. It just HAS to sneak in that useless garbage for our kids. Frustrating. I also took a look at myself. How much screen time I have. How I hear my kids say, "mom, you didn't hear me because you were on your phone", you’re right, and point taken.

We made changes. We’re back to seeing our kids actually make the crafts they watched now that the tablets are put away during the week. We’re usually on an adventure on the weekends so if there’s down time, they go on. They're back to being active and busy, and creative and the attitude has improved immensely. There's still days I'm pulling my hair out because I get "the tone" that puts us moms over the edge. Or stomping. Or fighting...I think for the most part, for having a four year age gap, they get along incredibly well. I remind myself, my middle daughter is entering some scary territory with hormones and puberty and boys, and mean girls, and body image....I remind myself that I have a really big job ahead, and it's gonna be hard. It's gonna be emotionally, physically, and mentally challenging. I've raised one teenage girl. Two more to go. We got this. And in the meantime we’ll continue to embrace the innocence ❤️

My girls are growing up in a different society. Even one that is different from when my oldest was a teen. And that wasn’t that long ago...5 years. One I'm still learning how to navigate. What is right. What is wrong. What age is right for this or that? It seems so much harder than simpler times when we were growing up. Although I'm sure mama's of the past would disagree. It was probably just as hard, just a different world. Different challenges. Different ways to deal, but parenting is universal. Teach, help, protect, guide, comfort, observe, learn, none of that has changed..

My littlest is learning to be more independent. She's letting go of me bit by bit, but still just as cautious as always. She still wants to be picked up for hugs, which thankfully, I can still pick up 44 pounds..mind you, being the last baby, I'll probably still pick her up at 74 pounds. She is very much my shadow, and places another challenge on me, making sure I'm giving the same amount of time and attention to my ten year old. AND my twenty two year old. I'm just hanging on tight as long as I can. They’re growing up so fast, and wanting less and less of me. I know. This is good. This means you're doing your job as a good mom and raising independent kids. Still doesn't take away the desire to spend every minute with them before they say "bye mom" *gulp*

The greatest joy for me is watching them through these stages and phases. Even though it's hard sometimes, it's draining, it's also rewarding, and makes me so proud. But it can be terrifying. Hoping I'm doing what's best for them. Always. Everyday. But then feeling guilty when I want space from them. Doesn't that suck! You’re at the point of exhaustion, ready to tear everyone's head off in the house, give yourself a break, and feel bad about it.

I shake my head.

No matter what though, self care is crucial.

So on top of my mind being fully occupied by my children's lives, I also need room in there for my work, for my marriage, for my friendships, most importantly for my health and well being.

To be a fly in the brain of a modern day woman. It would be incredibly fascinating! Like a room full of computers, buzzing madly, spitting out information every second of every day....and then re inputting it back into the computer to re analyze it, go over it, and spit it back out!

I have to remember to try and quiet my mind though. Stay on top of my mental health with breaks. Me time. Quiet. Running. Yoga. Coffee Dates. Massages. Facials. Reading. Uninterrupted conversations with my husband. Date nights. It's part of being a good mom, wife, friend, teacher, running on a full cup, not an empty cup. Sometimes we need a reminder though. "Hey, you know that life cup...it's about to spill" Don't you wish there was a little alarm in our brains that beeped when it was time to reboot. Instead, our reminders come in a form of illness, breakdowns, or our inner Cruella Deville's emerge.

I'm doing my best to stay on top of life’s balance. Sometimes I fail miserably. Sometimes I'm the healthiest, happiest human being, living my best life! I love my life. And I love being a writer, so I can feel like a normal mom, a normal woman, in a hurry up, noisy, busy world ❤️

[everydaymamaof3]

Cheesy, spinach Gnocchi

This one is a must make for the family!! My family devoured it all in record time! Fighting over the last remaining scoop!

So the recipe I found called for a cashew creamy sauce with a whole bunch of ingredients I didn’t even know where to find in a grocery store, so I made up my own sauce! I did add the processed (soaked) cashews though! Not many, half a cup.

So I sautéed some minced garlic in butter, added the cashew paste, almond milk, plain old everyday green label Parmesan cheese, and cornstarch to thicken for the base! I free handed it so I can’t even tell you how much to add! Just eyeball it.

I let it simmer and thicken a bit, added salt and garlic salt and then threw in the sautéed spinach and diced tomatoes!

Mixed it all the together with the Gnocchis, and dinner is served!

The original recipe called for miso paste, and some other random ingredients I wouldn’t find anywhere here in our rural community, so I did it my way and it turned out delicious!!

Play with your food and recipes! Make them your own! It’s the fun part of being on a new food journey!