everything-i-long-to-do

[everything-i-long-to-do]

I’ve started having paranoid obsessions, and it’s not as much that I think someone is gonna come to my house and kill me or hurt my family, I’m more concerned about how my paranoia makes me hesitant to even leave my room, fml

I feel compelled to try and do exposures to it, but it just doesn’t work, I know it’s bullshit. The only relief I get is in consciously ignoring the thoughts, I’ve been getting better since I have been doing that.

If I ever am forced to do ERP in the future, I will kill myself out of spite, genuinely, I’m not spending the rest of my life in fear because people insist that my OCD only works a certain way. F off.

[everything-i-long-to-do]

I want to watch Nerdy Prudes Must Die. I read a bit about it, only the first little bit. So I don’t really know what it’s like.

But I’m so scared to. Even just reading about it makes me nervous. I don’t like prude characters being made fun of and abused over and over again for laughs or for some sense of moral superiority.

Yes, outwardly shaming others for their consensual sexuality is wrong, and it’s very harmful, but if the girl goes so far as to try to kill people because of her beliefs, she has obviously been horribly traumatized by purity culture to get to that point.

I have lots of radically sex negative thoughts and feelings about other people's sex lives. I have urges to shame others for their sex lives, and even to cause physical harm to them out of anger and disgust. But obviously I don’t act on that.

But that’s why it makes me so sad. I don’t like prudes being portrayed as weird or crazy or evil, because even if acting on those thoughts and feelings is wrong, prudes are hardly ever portrayed sympathetically.

Most people think people like me are freaks. The thought of sex being inherently degrading is so foreign to them. The thought of me hating my sexual thoughts and feelings and feeling violated and demonically possessed by my own body sounds like insanity to them. The fact that I am perpetually humiliated because I have genitalia sounds insane. They think I’m fucked up because of my genophobia.

I hate the way prudes are portrayed in media. I hate how their beliefs which stem from trauma and a deep sense of shame and desperation and fear are considered ridiculous and laughable.

I hate how being a prude and shying away from sex is a crime punishable by rape and all manner of torment.

I hate how prudes always need to cured, and they need to become a shameless slut by the end.

I hate how prudes are always just secretly sluts in denial, and that denial is so disgusting a sin that they need to be shown their place, and confront that they are a filthy slut, and they’re too prideful and vain to accept it.

I know how much people would hate me, if they knew what kinds of thoughts I have. I know that people would think I’m evil, because I sometimes think people should never have sex or reproduce so we all just die out.

Nobody understands how painful it is. The shame and humiliation eats me alive everyday. I’m wasting away because of it.

I’m so fucking ashamed. I just want to be worthy. It hurts so much.

So if it’s not like that, please tell me.

[everything-i-long-to-do]

I wish that the puzzle piece symbol wasn’t an Autism Speaks thing, because I thought that the symbol meant that autistic people are an essential part of the 'puzzle' of the community, and that the world would be incomplete without autistic people. They are an inherent part of the natural variance of human neurotypes.

But A$ feels pretty much the opposite of that, what with the eugenics thing . . . 🫠

[everything-i-long-to-do]

Sometimes I think about how easily autism can be misconstrued as OCD.

It would be VERY easy for a person who flaps their hands when they get startled by loud sounds to be thought of as having OCD.

That’s why ERP seems so dangerous for autistic Obsessive Compulsive people.

Autistic people do actually NEED to do what would be construed as compulsions to regulate themselves. We need to stim and use certain external mechanisms to regulate our intense emotional reactions to things.

But if an autistic person was diagnosed with OCD, it would be so easy for the clinician to say they need to habituate themselves to the things that cause them pain and panic and not do compulsions (stim or seek comfort) and it would basically just be conversion therapy.

[everything-i-long-to-do]

My pelvic physical therapist told me to stop putting all my weight on one leg, and I tried, but I can’t do it. Please, just let me walk normally, I cannot do it

And I am not willing to make any dietary changes whatsoever, my autism says if I can’t eat what I want, I will starve. I’m not willing to test to see what foods cause my stomach issues, I will throw up if I eat something I don’t want

shoutout to other physically disabled people (esp. if you're also mentally disabled/ill) who are seen as not wanting to "help ourselves" because we can't make "simple" lifestyle changes,

who can't keep up with PT/OT on their own even if the exercises "just take 10 minutes" or generally can't keep up with regular exercise,

who aren't able to cut trigger foods out of our diets even if what they trigger is actively damaging our bodies/progressing certain things,

who use assistive devices, treatments, or aids that aren't technically "good for us" but they're all we have and we just want something, anything, to make our lives less miserable and aren't able to do much else

anything else where "just making this one change" would technically be beneficial but it's difficult to keep up with, or takes too much energy/takes executive function skills that we don't have, or conflicts w/ stuff in our lives that's not seen by others as important enough or significant (like sensory issues)

we're not "lazy" and we don't "just need to try harder," we're just not capable of "just doing" many of the same "simple" things that other people are, because we're disabled

[everything-i-long-to-do]

OCD hack: When you have an intrusive thought, say "Yeah, right!" like Dave Mustaine in his cover of No More Mr. Nice Guy.

[everything-i-long-to-do]

I’m so mad that no one ever understands what it’s like to not be able

[everything-i-long-to-do]

People really don’t understand that subtle social rejections will affect you just as much. It screwed up my self esteem for life. It is so fucked up never knowing why people just don’t seem to connect with you or treat you the same as everyone else.

People underestimate how much it fucks you up to be subtly excluded as a kid. I would try to talk to my classmates and be met with disinterest or annoyance. The one friend I had, who I clung to and nodded along to his every word, had other friends he liked just as much or more. And his other friends didn’t care for me at all.

I look back at pictures from the time and see how separated I was from them. I remember knowing I was different. I remember posing questions about the world to the girls playing next to me and realizing that they had never asked the same ones to themselves. That the ways we thought couldn’t be more different.

I kept myself amused with my own fanatical stories and musings in my head. I would wander the playground on a circular path, imagining a friend and being sorely disappointed when it didn’t feel as real as I’d hoped.

There was a bubble separating me from everyone else, thin, and nearly invisible, but with a pearly sheen you could catch under the right conditions. I knew it was there, they knew it was there, and it changed me

[everything-i-long-to-do]

Accept it

tw: torture

I don’t know what people mean when they say to 'accept' your feelings, and be okay with being in pain.

Like, what? What do you mean?

I guess that I don’t experience emotions the way other people do, because people talk about their feelings as being something so, so much less painful than what I experience.

For me, it isn’t 'discomfort'. It is torture.

If you’re being tortured, you’re going to cry. You’re going to scream. You’re going to want to stop being tortured. That’s kind of the point of pain. The point of pain is to make you avoid the pain. That’s the function of the sensation.

I really don't think people who say things like that understand the feelings that I am talking about. I feel like it is counter to human nature to be okay with being in excruciating agony. The whole point of feeling excruciating agony is that you are going through something that is killing you. You are dying. You are in the process of dying. Your life is ending. Your life will soon be over.

No. I really do not care what excuses people will give me. No, I am not 'accepting' and 'being okay' with feeling like this. Nobody would be. It’s against your ingrained survival instinct.

Would you be okay with it if I started ripping your skin off? Would you? Would you be okay with it if I took a screwdriver and started to hammer it into your urethra? How about if I started stomping on your arms until your bones were dust? How about that? Would you be okay with that? Would you accept that?

[everything-i-long-to-do]

I can’t do exposures anymore because I get so filled with rage.

Like, I should NOT EVER have to contemplate the possibility that I am the worst person who has ever existed, I am unlovable, who I am is inherently disgusting and sick, I am worthless, I don’t deserve to exist, and I need to die. Like, no. Just no.

I should not have to acknowledge these thoughts at all, ever. Because it’s not true of anyone.

I just get so fucking mad because nobody understands/cares that when I think about these things, every part of my body is electrified with terror and I am literally convinced that I am dying. Do you know what that's like?

Do you know what it’s like to be convinced that you are dying? Do you think that that is a state that can be susceptible to any type of healing at all?

A lot of pushers of ERP do not actually care about whether you are in a stable headspace to be tortured. They’re like, 'just do it, there is nothing else in the world that will ever work for you, you need to do it or you will live your life completely miserable and kill yourself'.

It seems so wrong that any time a person ever says that they can’t or don’t think ERP is for them, everyone insists that that is only the OCD talking. I feel like that is ignoring that OCD sufferers are human beings, and not every feeling that they have that you don’t want them to have is sick and needs to be invalidated, dismissed, and steamrolled.

And if I tried to say this shit on an OCD subreddit, they’d kick me out for being against treatment or whatever. Fuck you. Even people with OCD have valid feelings.

[everything-i-long-to-do]

People are like, "When you have a shaming thought about yourself, argue with it."

That’s . . . Exactly how you feed the OCD.

I haven’t ever met anyone who has OCD that is just self critical about literally everything. Yeah, there are themes, but my OCD obsession is that I am just awful in every single way possible, and nobody tells your how to deal with it.

When you’ve had self esteem problems your whole life, you don’t even know what is an intrusive thought and what is a negative self belief that you actually have.

[everything-i-long-to-do]

Shame myths

I hate it when people pretend that embarrassment, shame and humiliation are only social emotions. It’s true that they begin from socializing with others, that’s how the emotions develop, but people pretend that these feelings are only about what other people think of you, or what you personally believe people think of you.

Like, seriously, if your sense of self worth is completely dependent on other people, okay, but not everyone is like that.

You get embarrassed when you trip in front of other people. I get embarrassed literally doing anything when I’m completely fucking alone. We're not the same.

People say humiliation only exists as a public, social act. Actually, no, humiliation is me alone in my room, being berated with intrusive thoughts.

People say, shame is when you think other people will reject you. Well, I beg to differ, because I’m ashamed of who I am no matter what despite the fact that everyone in my life accepts me. Because I think that I am shameful. Not because of anyone else, but because I feel that I am just bad, even if I was the only fucking person on earth.

I am ashamed and humiliated and embarrassed because of my own opinions about myself. That’s pretty much it. Other people can remind me of those opinions, but they do not exist because of other people.

I have an actual conscience. My sense of morality and worth is not completely dependent on social consequence. It exists independently of those things.

So I hate when people say, "Share your story! Empathy kills shame! Without secrecy, the shame can’t survive!"

Like . . . Then why am I still ashamed? I can tell people what I’m ashamed of til the cows come home, AND I DO, and I am still crippled by it.

"If you’re a SA survivor, just tell people your story, know it’s not your fault, comfort your inner child."

Done.

"If you have kinks you’re ashamed of, tell your partner."

Done.

"If you live with toxic shame, tell your therapist."

Done.

"If you’re ashamed, do positive affirmations."

Done. Everyday.

It’s not that easy.

[everything-i-long-to-do]

Me: I am in agonizing, excruciating pain. I am experiencing immense and unprecedented psychological and physical suffering. I am being destroyed from the inside out. My body and mind are screaming to be released from this neverending hell. Every second I’m alive is another moment of psychological and physical torture.

Everyone else: Pain is a normal human emotion 😊

[everything-i-long-to-do]

Every fucking article about how to improve low self esteem and codependence on your partner is predicated on the idea that your parents abused you or neglected you or didn’t fit your needs. It’s sooooooo bullshit.

It’s like, 'look back in your childhood and identify who made you feel less than'. Bitch, you mean every teacher and classmate I’ve ever had in my life? You mean the educational industrial complex? You mean the state for requiring I go to school and also be imprisoned for being suicidal later in life? You mean modern psychiatry? You mean almost every piece of media I’ve ever seen? You mean culture? You mean purity culture? You mean the neverending history of sexual stigma poisoning every aspect of life? You mean nonbinary erasure? You mean the world being designed for allistics? You mean chronic fatigue? You mean having an obscure OCD induced phobia I hid from everyone in my life because I didn’t even know that what I was feeling was terror? You mean every fucking stupid internet article I’ve ever read telling me bullshit that doesn’t apply to me?

There is no one event. It’s a lifetime of conditioning with things that other people think are so normal, that you think they’re normal too. How would you know to remember every show you’ve ever watched, every day at school you ever had, every day you spent exhausted?

And get this . . . Just like how parental abuse isn’t the only cause of low self esteem, the symptoms of trauma can chaaaaaaaaange. And sometimes, even . . . You can have symptoms of a mental illness but it doesn’t mean you have ANY one illness that have those symptoms as diagnostic criteria! (Gasps)

I've been exhibiting symptoms of BPD in regards to one relationship I have for about a year now (favorite person attachment), despite having never exhibited symptoms like this before. All my life, my problem was not fear of abandonment, it was hatred for people because they’re so fucking draining and stupid and mean and not worth the time whatsoever. My problem was I felt disconnected from everyone because, hello, I’m autistic.

I was so secure and happy in myself until the OCD shame spiral, that still hasn’t ended. I was so self sufficient emotionally. And then my mind just broke and I became something I don’t recognize as me.

Despite having a lot of symptoms of BPD (extreme emotions), the diagnosis just doesn’t fit me. But I’ll tell you what, since I’m vocal about being suicidal and I have treatment resistant depression, most psychiatrists would diagnose me with it in a heartbeat to write me off as a hysterical, angry attention seeker who won’t come clean about their OBVIOUS MOMMY AND DADDY ISSUES

If someone has symptoms but it doesn’t fit a diagnosis, those symptoms are still valid symptoms that should be treated and respected. If you’re suffering, you’re suffering. The brain isn’t always so explainable. Just like if you’re traumatized and you don’t fit the standard, you’re still traumatized, and you’re still valid.

I fucking hate that every fucking conversation about PTSD from childhood trauma is completely dominated by people who were abused as children. OBVIOUSLY they have every right to be in the conversation but I never hear anyone talk about anything else.

And it’s always the parents too. It’s never teachers or other classmates of yours. Because only your parents abusing you is bad enough to cause you lifelong crippling trauma and self esteem issues.

I wish it wasn’t always about parental abuse. I wish people talked more about the long term traumas of your family being poor, and of the trauma of being autistic or mentally ill or the trauma of being chronically ill or even temporarily ill, the trauma of medical treatment, the trauma of near death experiences, the trauma of having phobias, the trauma of social pressures, the trauma of fucking everything else that ever traumatizes a kid.

Yes, abuse survivors belong in the conversation. Absolutely. But I don’t see people acknowledge enough the other survivors of traumatic circumstances.

I have felt so much pressure to scrutinize my parents parenting to explain why I’m so fucked up and I can’t. They were great parents. It’s the trauma I got from everyone else that was the problem. My teachers, mainly. The other students (yes, other children. Yes, bullying is traumatic and can be just as extremely traumatic as parental abuse). My psychiatrists and therapists.

And I can’t say any of them outright abused me either. People can traumatize you without abusing you, too.

And sometimes it’s not people. It’s the world. It’s being in pain. Just being in pain as a child is traumatic.

Actually, being a child period is traumatic because of how helpless you are to literally every adult ever because they have complete social and legal power over you and do not see you as as much of a human being as they are. Even if you are human like them, you’re still inferior because you’re dumb and weak and sensitive.

Ugh. I’ve felt so pressured to have some Freudian explanation of why I’m so fucked up and insecure, and it’s just not there. Some people are born mentally ill, Mary. Some people have fucking OCD.

I wish people talked about the trauma of school more. If they did, maybe there would be eye-opening studies about how much it messes you up, and how much trauma it causes people.

But because it’s a mandatory institution, and it’s 'normal', people won’t believe you. No one believed me no matter how much I told them that school was making me suicidal. No one cared.

[everything-i-long-to-do]

I fucking hate that every fucking conversation about PTSD from childhood trauma is completely dominated by people who were abused as children. OBVIOUSLY they have every right to be in the conversation but I never hear anyone talk about anything else.

And it’s always the parents too. It’s never teachers or other classmates of yours. Because only your parents abusing you is bad enough to cause you lifelong crippling trauma and self esteem issues.

I wish it wasn’t always about parental abuse. I wish people talked more about the long term traumas of your family being poor, and of the trauma of being autistic or mentally ill or the trauma of being chronically ill or even temporarily ill, the trauma of medical treatment, the trauma of near death experiences, the trauma of having phobias, the trauma of social pressures, the trauma of fucking everything else that ever traumatizes a kid.

Yes, abuse survivors belong in the conversation. Absolutely. But I don’t see people acknowledge enough the other survivors of traumatic circumstances.

I have felt so much pressure to scrutinize my parents parenting to explain why I’m so fucked up and I can’t. They were great parents. It’s the trauma I got from everyone else that was the problem. My teachers, mainly. The other students (yes, other children. Yes, bullying is traumatic and can be just as extremely traumatic as parental abuse). My psychiatrists and therapists.

And I can’t say any of them outright abused me either. People can traumatize you without abusing you, too.

And sometimes it’s not people. It’s the world. It’s being in pain. Just being in pain as a child is traumatic.

Actually, being a child period is traumatic because of how helpless you are to literally every adult ever because they have complete social and legal power over you and do not see you as as much of a human being as they are. Even if you are human like them, you’re still inferior because you’re dumb and weak and sensitive.

Ugh. I’ve felt so pressured to have some Freudian explanation of why I’m so fucked up and insecure, and it’s just not there. Some people are born mentally ill, Mary. Some people have fucking OCD.

I wish people talked about the trauma of school more. If they did, maybe there would be eye-opening studies about how much it messes you up, and how much trauma it causes people.

But because it’s a mandatory institution, and it’s 'normal', people won’t believe you. No one believed me no matter how much I told them that school was making me suicidal. No one cared.

[everything-i-long-to-do]

I’m so fucking miserable. My partner said I need to talk to a professional about my aversion to being human/deep desire to be someone else. And they’re absolutely right, but I’m in agonizing pain.

Thinking about the fact that I have genitalia . . . Like, what the fuck. The fact that I am not above sexuality in generally is so fucking excruciatingly painful.

[everything-i-long-to-do]

I’ve realized that I don’t hate myself, I actually just hate everyone else and everything and the world