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peaked

i feel as though i have. what have i accomplished? what have i contributed? it feels as all i've done it take up space & energy. other's need of me is always short and fleeting. with the exception of the cats but not of their choice. loving, purring captives.

how much of myself can i voice before listening is a burden? is anyone really listening? does it even matter if their need of me is ever momentary & for things inconsequential.

i do what i should do. i see a therapist on a regular basis. i go out with friends. i stay active. it all seems pointless. i mean, to some extent it is. we're going to die one day. we're stuck living in capitalist hell that will set the planet on fire. probably with some AI motivational speaker to cheer us on as it fans the flames.

yes, working full time does eat a lot of free time that might otherwise be spent on hobbies, sports, etc. time available is not the same as it was in high school or college. a lot of my time then was spent practicing/training for whatever competitive sport was in season for me. and a lot of opportunities for sports seemed to be targeted at younger folks which can be attributed for a number of reasons. i guess getting old means fading out of the cool things you do when youre young and becoming boring.

i fear im quickly becoming boring or i am already there and just havent acknowledged that. i know so many people who are so acutely knowledgeable across many fields. and i find my self pale in comparison. (comparison is the thief, i know...) while i'm grateful to not be a big fish in a small pond, (though i wonder if that might feel less worse...) i cant help but wonder if i even fit in? and if they value my presence? and if so, what do they see? what is it that i bring?

i'm always waiting for them to share. asking for that seems weird, selfish, conceited, one sided. cant help but wonder if my past actions have communicated such things to my friends. am i being fair, in asking what it is they enjoy about me? have i shared what i enjoy about my friends?

and when i try to, to sit down and write something, or even just reflect, i find only blankness. as if seeking insight of my friends empties all i know and i'm left with nothing. nothing to recall. just more doubt about myself and whether i know my friends at all and if they already see that i dont know them and thats why i'm always left wondering what it is they see in me. nothing is shared because what reason have i given them to share with me? what reason have i given for them to see me?

currently sitting on my couch, looking into my kitchen and thinking of all the chores i need to do. and i just dont want to. i just want to be wrapped in someone's arms, telling me, showing me, these insecurities aren't true despite feeling so. but i know i need so many years of that to undo all of the knots and tangles piling from the past decades.

into the void this goes as there are no better alternatives currently.

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a year

passes

and in that

a connection was made

a connection grew

a connection halted

we lived in a space 

between the named and nameless

always on the border of each other

you were willing to step further

reluctance hung heavy on me

a fear

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a little sweeter

every moment would be a little sweeter with you sitting on the porch black and mild oberon crickets performing for us alone sunlight setting the mood i died happy in my sleep i always wished you were here to kiss your cheek to squeeze your hand to share these nights alone

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I dream of lying in your arms and it soothes me In the morning I feel restless I’m agitated all day Knowing that isn’t my place Wondering why I keep having that dream It relaxes me And so I get back in bed every night And dream of calm Of where I long to be I dream of you

@gidgetsallgrownup

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Been waiting

I’ve been waiting to kiss you I’ll probably do it at the worst time A stolen kiss

A kiss to send it off A kiss to end it all Everyday My hands cradle your face Lips tracing each other I’ve been waiting to fall asleep with you I’ll probably settle for someone else Restless dreams A night to send it off A night to end it all

Everynight Legs tangled in each other Exchanging heat and dreams

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This constant

Push and pull, up and down, left and right

directly defying diverging discourse, disassociated disaster of a dying disciple, 

i dont know what any of this means

angrily abolishing adoration, angsty android abhorring absent admiration for alliteration

but words seep from these synapses

firing futility, fraught from fucking, frigid freedom frowning, fatal fertility

if hydra could take form in words

connecting constantly, continuously calling, collapsing, catching no cliff, cataclysmic, catalyst catastrophe concourse, converging contorted construction

find meaning where you will in this rabbit hole, Alice

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Salvation

Lay under the aqua blue blanket, love. The clouds and the sun stand down before the sky. Heavy breaths and low groans in deep sleep, I shiver as you pull me closer to your chest. Succumbing to the darkness which covers the dirt in my hands—the filth of my soul, you let me doze on the shore of your touch. Sculpt my body painting a masterpiece, love. Carve the flaws into something desirable like the lines curving croissant; crescent as you color my walls the galaxies in between. Defying the laws of nature and man where the blood in my dress—the scars on my back fade slowly under the spell of your kiss. Take away my heart and brand me yours, love. You are the sky to my clouds and my sunshine. Make me reckless and leave me breathless; this is the memento of your warmth to my skin. Conquering the darkness wrapped up in your fists: the ensemble of my misery—the scorn of my past, you save me as you trace my skin with remnants of your love.

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It’s strange

To try to put into words that which you don't know. There are no words for this ethereal moment. You are only there physically. Your mind and heart are elsewhere, sitting in a corner with their backs to each other, arms folded. No words are spoken until you realized your sense of self dissipated. You try and try to shake them back into the moment but they are too stubborn to budge. Begging does not appeal to them. They come back eventually, but unannounced and swinging. They bring a waves of emotion to slam down on you, one after another. Almost intentionally, as if to see who would break first, the mind or the heart. Only to leave themselves, bruised and battered on the floor, resting for the next round.

It is a constant dissonance. Dissonant chords trying to reach elusive harmony. Little do they know, discordant is all they will be. Unless. Unless that is they leap to another note, one once touched but abandoned. Abandoned because, well, it struck a chord so deeply that it broke hearts. Wave lengths opposite of each other, pulling the center apart. Oh how I wish to pull these waves together, to be in harmony. To experience stillness that is not as fleeting as the morning fog. It is a calmness with anger stirring below. It is a happiness tilted by a sadness. It is a river which runs deeply, over silty bottoms, rushing over rough boulders. It is a fucking madness with a smile and tears rolling down my cheeks.

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rebelling against myself

Some days dying feels easier But I am born a bull And stubborn I shall be Living is my rebellion

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I thought

I thought I was so together today But I guess not I thought I was so together today I left my sandwhich on the counter My wallet sitting next to the PB&J I thought I was so together today The front door unlocked, welcoming shifty vistors I thought I was so together today That I got out of bed And brushed my teeth

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let them wolves be, be rolling and sinking in the dirt, flinging mud at you, you be cleansing yourself with pure stream of consciousness and crystal clear clarity, uncontaminated. when the world is all about predator and prey, claws and paws, and scars and scratches, may your edges be softened, not sharpened, your very self unharmed and calm.

let them be them, you be you <br/> epicpoetic (via poetryriot)

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Telling someone “you shouldn’t be unhappy because someone else has it worse” is the same as saying “you shouldn’t be happy because someone else has it better”

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The only thing Flat-Earthers fear is sphere itself.

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You asked

You asked me how I was doing. For awhile I had just wanted to stop. I was done dragging myself on this gritty sandpaper road. I was tired....I was tired. And then stillness came. I don’t know when, or how, or even why. The fog had dissipated. Probably to some distant corner, ready to filter back. I had often questioned this sense of, happiness? I think that’s what this sensation was, happiness. At the very least, contentedness. This time around, I resisted the urge and let it wash over me as best I could. Like a child playing in a sprinkler, showering them with cold hose water on a hot summer day. You got me to this point. This point of acceptance I’ve never allowed. I’ve kept everything at a safe distance, just close enough to see me but not enough to feel me. Not know, but feel. 

You asked me how I was doing. That fleeting sensation of euphoria gone. I’m left wondering if I feel anything. If I’ve just found myself back in numbness, thinking my other two options are happy or misery. Feeling nothing is better than the drop. That fucking fall from high to low and hitting every branch on the way down. Why? In the scope of everything that’s ever happened to everyone on this planet, I’ve got it easy...so why the fuck do I feel like this? Am I doing this to myself? What needs to change to break this cycle? How long before the break? I’ve been trying to find the starting point of...whatever this is, the world’s worst roller coaster ride. Hoping to find answers in discovering the origin but I supposed it was a sort of gradual change, an erosion or evolution. Well I need a fucking revolution. Resolution. I might need both. But violence often comes with revolution. Resolution happens when fatigue sets in from fighting. Maybe I’m wrong.

You asked me how I was doing. I ask myself how I’m doing. I’m never satisfied with my answer. I share too little. I share too much. I reach for my pen and paper in whatever form it may be, and let my thoughts bleed. Sometimes my mind becomes still long enough for sleep to envelop me. Other times, it sets my mid racing. Desperately trying to share everything all at once, my thoughts become bottle necked. I can’t possibly release all my thoughts and feelings at once. But. They all share a few words that I can’t tell you. I’ve missed my chance. I’ll settle for this because it’s better than nothing at all. I wonder how long it’ll be before the levee breaks.

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the wind in my sails

I come and go as the wind takes me. I’ve let myself be at the mercy of the wind for 26 years now. Leaving the sails open has taken me to some wonderful places and opened doors to unforgettable experiences. But these stories weren’t 100% my doing. I was just….doing. Now? Now? Now the wind has died. Leaving me feel as if I could do the same. Wondering how I’ll get on with life. I’m stuck. How can I reach the coast? As I sit and watch others move along, I notice something. I notice they have this strange thing on the back of their boat. I finally muster enough courage to talk to a boater with this device. They called it an engine. They told me I can use this to decide where I want to go. They even told me I have the means necessary to build this tool. That I could’ve all along. I stared back in shock, in disbelief. This was terrifying and exciting. I could choose where I go but what about the time past? When I didn’t choose? What would life look like had I decided my path? But I suppose that wouldn’t matter. Maybe I wouldn’t appreciate this engine as much as I do now. Or maybe I would’ve had even more rich experiences…Never mind this what if. Building this engine will take some time. Hopefully I can find that kind boater and ask for help. Hopefully I can find another kind soul and many more and be brave enough to ask for their support. That is my choice to make. 

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Stephanie Singleton x INPRNT.

Gorgeous illustration work from artist Stephanie Singleton, all of which and more are available as fine art prints in her INPRNT Shop.

Also, INPRNT is currently offering a pre-Black Friday discount to all Supersonic Art readers: 5% off any purchase with the code “FIVEOFF17.”

This is a sponsored post by INPRNT (Check them out on Tumblr) but I still choose and write about the artists ;)