exulansiscrisis - Tumblr blog

[exulansiscrisis]

He won’t miss me

He won’t cry rivers

It’s amazing how someone can be the world and you are but a speck of dust

I play a dangerous game

I walk a thin line between blaming the victim and blaming the perpetrator

I want him to suffer

I want him to remember me

Not as a lover but as his worst nightmare

I want to haunt his memories

And for my name to echo throughout the room in his loneliest moments

I want to hurt him

I want my voice reminding him of the monster he became

But then again, I loved that monster

I see the sky cry during a storm and I see them

His eyes

And I’m reminded that I still love that monster

And when he bleeds I bleed

The thought makes me want to dress his wounds

It’s such a disgusting and pathetic feeling

Wanting to comfort someone who betrayed you

It’s so vile to ache for his touch

To long for the sound of his voice

I have so much love and I don’t know what to do with it now

The only thing I know how to do is use it to fuel my rage

Burning the memories is better than crying until my throat closes up

[exulansiscrisis]

Tear my skin and expose my bones

My thoughts are in a cyclone

I destroy what I touch and I’m fucked if I don’t

I know I’m selfish but I don’t want to be left alone

Why am I never satisfied?

Do I cast my brain aside?

Is that what must be done just to survive?

Out of my mind

I’m dead inside

I’ll just lie here and turn blue choking on my pride

[exulansiscrisis]

I love you more than self preservation

You only love me when the bowls nearly gone

We got caught up in the intoxication

You stayed in my arms until dawn

You let it slip while half awake

Played it off like it was a game

But it meant everything

Everything to me

[exulansiscrisis]

I don’t know how much longer I can hang on. I think tonight might be the night I’m not sure. I’m scared, but it hurts too much to keep going. I can’t imagine a life where I’m happy and alive. The people around me tolerate me at best, I’m really stupid, I’m never going to be the man I want to be, and god there are too many factors to name. I’ve been trying so hard to hold out hope but I don’t think I can anymore. I don’t even know what to write in my letters. Im stuck between finally telling everyone to go fuck themselves and telling them I love them. Either way im gonna kill myself at some point. Just not sure when. And I won’t make the mistake of not taking enough pills again.

[exulansiscrisis]

When I was younger

I thought I’d be stronger

Nothing could take me down

So come on lay me with me now

I’m fading in and out

The poison is filling my veins

My heart’s giving out

Press your lips to mine

It could be the last time

I thought I’d be more scared

But somehow I’m prepared to die

Goodbye

doesn’t frighten me anymore

[exulansiscrisis]

If I had pulled that trigger at 12

I wouldn’t have made it to 21

I wouldn’t have discovered myself

But that would’ve been better for everyone

Oh

Sometimes I fantasize

It’s cold earthy embrace

The comfort of my grave

I’m not sayin I’ll do it

But the lines get blurry

I’m somewhere in between

Living and surviving

I can’t promise past 21

But I promise I’ll live through spring

If I had bled out at 16

It wouldn’t have been such a bad thing

But of course someone had to intervene

Who knew the trauma life would bring?

Oh

Sometimes I fantasize

Dancing in the flames

Only ashes that remain

I’m not sayin I’ll do it

But the lines get blurry

I’m somewhere in between

Living and surviving

I can’t promise past 21

But I promise I’ll live through spring

If I had overdosed at 20

I wonder what the world would be like

Everyone would probably be angry

But some sick part of me

Hopes that for me you’d cry

Cause’ that means you loved me after all

I’m not sayin I’ll do it

But the lines get blurry

I’m somewhere in between

Living and surviving

I can’t promise past 21

But I promise I’ll live through spring

[exulansiscrisis]

Red was your favorite

It signified you were fast and young

Now when I see it

I remember that we are done

Oh when you

See royal blue

Do you remember me in the dark?

Is purple stained on your heart?

You lived for the Summer

You embraced its warm sunny days

I preferred Autumn

There was an odd comfort in the decay

Opposites

They compliment

We met in the middle with spring

Two years didn’t mean a thing

Every place you touched left a bruise

Your honeyed words

Oh they couldn’t of been true

I tore myself apart to be with you

And by the time I was done

So were you

So were you

[exulansiscrisis]

Where did it go?

That passion that glowed

I’m the one making the effort every time

When you used to see me

You would be beaming

Now it seems I’m barely ever on your mind

I have lost everything I have

I don’t want you to be next

[exulansiscrisis]

And in that moment I was 13 again

Crying alone at 1 AM on the floor

Because I couldn’t bring myself to get on my bed

A stuffed animal being my only comfort

I guess I haven’t grown up at all

[exulansiscrisis]

I rather bury myself six feet deep than ever hurt you like that again

I will reopen my wounds and douse them in gas if that’s what it takes to make it past

I rather spill acid in my eyes and glass in my mouth before you learn to hate me

And if you choose to leave me behind I’ll curse at the sky praying you won’t forget me

I promise to be a better man

As long as you promise to hold my hand

But if you let go I think l will just spiral until I’m left in a hole to the worms and the earth takes me home

[exulansiscrisis]

I’m gonna tweak in about 5 fucking seconds. I’m literally about to fucking lose it

[exulansiscrisis]

My standard for love may be absent

But the memory of it still remains

My heart has been torn right out of my chest

But it is still mine to reclaim

When I’m ready

Dear Angels grant me your blessings

Im following your instructions

I found a person that you would’ve loved

There’s no place in his heart for corruption

It’s such a shame

Such a gorgeous wedding on a beautiful day

And I can’t help but weep

Cuz you’ll never get to see

I got my happy ending

And you both were

My inspiration

We will get our own house

Have two kids with my spouse

I promise you’ll be proud

And you both were

My inspiration

[exulansiscrisis]

I’ve painted myself as the nymphomaniac

I’ve starred as the call boy

It was me who created this sensual image

This self pitying is a joke

Living up to the expectations I’ve set is much harder than I could’ve imagined

It’s too late to back out now

There is an audience awaiting an encore

I was made to perform

I am not a living creature with wants and needs

I am an experience

[exulansiscrisis]

Lately I’ve realized something funny

All my ex’s ex’s looked nothing like me

Seems like they had a type until they met me

It’s so strange

They went from liking one thing

To the total opposite

It’s so strange

It’s odd how fast their taste changed

I am a total misfit

I must be an experiment

I’m an outlier in this data set

So those who look their type are seen as a threat

I can’t help but feel out of place and upset

It’s so strange

They went from liking one thing

To the total opposite

It’s so strange

It’s odd how fast their taste changed

I’m a total misfit

I must be an experiment.

I look into their history

And wonder what they saw in me

Now I am so insecure

There is nothing similar

Sometimes I want to change to fit

I’ll change my hair and outfits

Cause’ how could they love me when I’m so different

I must be an experiment

[exulansiscrisis]

You tell me how much you hate him, but you’re just like him! You left me the same exact way he did. You’re no different from each other.

[exulansiscrisis]

I genuinely want to scream as loud as I fucking can

[exulansiscrisis]

I really feel like I’m not actually his type.