ezetfo - Tumblr blog

[ezetfo]

My grandma never really liked me, and now she says I have grown up so much and loves me and I don't know how to deal with that.

I have grown used to read between the lines, read her mood in her actions, and always being afraid that she may be in a bad mood.

I went home this past Christmas after a year of almost no contact, and suddenly they say I came home a better person, a more mature and helpful person.

I hate it.

I am hurt for that small child I used to be that was so innocent and never had to be cautious of a simple comment. Apparently my mom's presence is the only thing that made them be cautious of what they said to me, when I was old enough to not be stuck to my mom's side the remarks began.

I was never enough for my grandma, and now that I have lost something I wish I still had in me, suddenly I am enough.

I hate myself, I hate that part of me that had to grow cynical, twisted, spiteful, and hypocritical to survive her and all those family members that follow.

A pit of snakes and a mouse that had to dress like a snake, a mouse that never can become a mouse again.

[ezetfo]

I just got a paid internship, I have never had a job in my life, I will be 25 tomorrow and it's just so weird and I am feeling anxious and afraid. I didn't even expect to get the internship, I'm afraid of messing up.

[ezetfo]

Right now it's getting harder to make myself meals, I just feel too tired to think and move. Maybe I should just buy soups, they make me feel comfortable and warm.

[ezetfo]

My mom used to rent, so she had been living in the same apartment for almost 13 years. I haven't been able to go back home for a long time as i now live in another country because of things i now regret. They sold the house and she had to move suddenly.... It just struck that I'm never going to be able to go back to the place i made so many memories, i basically finished growing there, my home, my mom's house, it's just gone. She lives now in a house i don't know, and i just... I guess i just thought i would always have that place to return to, to pick up where i left off and now i can't.

I miss my house, my family, i miss the food, i miss falling asleep on the couch, i miss my spot by the window at the dinner table, i miss the smell of the bed sheets, i miss sitting outside with my family at night, i miss the wind, the warmth, the cold floors, and it hurts to forget what i used to do while i lived there.

[ezetfo]

Fuck

[ezetfo]

It's cold as fuck

[ezetfo]

I legit said "this is the skin of a killer, bella" And my friends didn't get it 🫠😮‍💨

[ezetfo]

I shouldn't have had hope, it feels like a speck of light going against the sun, i can see that small dream go further and further away. It feels like sand castles slowly easing away with the ocean waves.

It hurts, so much.

[ezetfo]

I feel like shit

[ezetfo]

I don 't want to hope but, i just can't help but feel hopeful.

I want to cry in relief but if everythings downhill i will feel myself shatter even more painfully than ever.

I feel conflicted about my feelings, i want to hold it in and not let them free.

I am afraid.

[ezetfo]

I bought dino nuggets :)

[ezetfo]

Sometimes i don't know if i hate myself or just hate everything around me.

I fed myself on sweetness and peace, now i don't know how to deal with reality.

I just need everything to stop, just for a day. No time, no life. I just want to be lost and aimless for a day.

[ezetfo]

My grandm just told me to change out of my shorts because uncle said some cousins where there and they were all men. So now it is hot af and i have to wear leggings even tho we are going to a pool party

[ezetfo]

Well..... Fuck.

[ezetfo]

Like five minutes since my last post

I feel better about life, months go by between posts, and I'm slowly going through life. I am almost out of university, just need three more clases and my internship.

I have gone further than i have ever thought. Life is still hard but, i do things at my own pace. I no longer tell my family just how cluttered i have my place, I try to be kinder to my self.

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I have developed this sort of territorial situation, i need to have things the way i left them. I stayed with an aunt for some days and she folded the luggage i had left out, i lost it when i came back. I didn't say anything to her, I just shut the door saying i was gonna sleep and just had a meltdown on the floor as i tried to hide under the bed. I guess it is some sort of way to have control over my life, a reassurance that things are the way i need. Moving my stuff without my knowledge felt so invasive and i felt so... Vulnerable i guess. Things need to be the way i left them, i don't like people messing with stuff.

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I had a situation with a friend (A) , they started evading me a bit. Whenever i saw them and tried to have a conversation they sort of felt like they were shutting me out. I thought maybe i was the one doing that because it was just when i was around, i realized it wasn't me after some time.

I spoke about it to a close friend (B) , i was thinking of approaching A about it, see what was going on. Friend B told me A was probably going through something. I had also thought about that but it was really just with me.

Legit, i would go over and A would just like stop talking after a bit, or if there were other friends A would put on headphones and turn away.

Well, B and A hung out one day and B brought up the subject. Apparently A really appreciates our friendship and how i try to be there for them.... A just doesn't like that i approach with "too much energy" and it tires A out to speak to me and see me just be practically the same person i have been throughout all of our years of friendship.

It made me angry, i mean, how the fuck is it now a problem? B said A was sometimes stressed and tired, and she just couldn't deal with my energy or something. I am angry A couldn't just fucking tell me that they didn't felt like talking instead of just fucking starting to ignore me suddenly.

I didn't tell A that B told me, i am just being the same. I really really appreciate A, we have been friends for years and we have shared a bunch of stuff but, i won't be changing the way I act and feel again for someone. If A has a problem with me, then A can tell me.

I have stopped going out of my way just to get to see A, if I see them then i do, if i don't then i don't. I used to cross the whole capus just to see them for 40 minutes now that our schedules don't really match. If my presence is a bother, then i won't put myself in a situation where i have to beg for affection.

A talks to me mostly when friend C is around because "C chanels their (my) energy". Otherwise A has basically just slowly been distancing themselves from me. B tells me A has put me as a second thought even when we are around each other. A posts a picture with pur friends, I am not in it because they are taken right when i go away.

Am i upset that i am losing a friend? Yes but, i won't change the way I am.

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I also think that A has some weird version of me in their eyes. Like i am always happy and never had a sad or depressing though in my life. Which considering the stuff i have shared with them, A know shit has hit the fan.

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Well, besides all that. I think life is going okay most of the time. It's like bread, plain old bread. Ain't gonna win a cooking competition but neither is it gonna let you go hungry.

[ezetfo]

I have started to have imaginary conversations with an imaginary therapist

[ezetfo]

I love my dad.... I just wished that the three years he went away and I only got to hear him through calls didn't hurt as much as it does now. It hurts to know that I remember him picking me up from kindergarten once and the time my brother and I ended up covered in mud, and then nothing. When we saw him again I didn't even remember how he looked, he was just a man, until I grew closer to him again from spending holidays together. I didn't think much of his absence when I was little, now that I grew up it seems as if a hole just appeared.