figgyblossom - Tumblr blog

[figgyblossom]

so once me and my wife were watching a documentary where a snake ate like a million eggs. that snake just went to fucking town on eggs. and the snake made the eggs look so good that i kept thinking about it, and thinking about it, and thinking about it, and eventually it was 11pm and i ran out of willpower and decided to eat one (1) singular raw egg just to prove to myself that the snake was surely a liar.

the snake was not a liar. texture is like, super important to me and raw eggs are very Texture so i had another one, and then another one, and then another one, and eventually i ran out of eggs.

i had like, fifteen raw eggs.

i didnt really know how to explain this momentary madness to my wife, so my Plan was to put all the eggshells into a grocey bag, and then throw that grocery bag in the dumpster, and if she never noticed that would be Excellent and if she noticed immediately i could lie and say that the eggs went bad.

except i cant lie very good, and of course with murphys law being such, i got salmonella.

so i threw up a lot and my wife asked me what poisoned me so and i tried very hard to dodge the question but i was oozing shame like oil from a room temperature cheese and eventaully i gave in and told her everything and to her enormous credit she was more flabbergasted than actually upset. she did make me promise to not eat any more raw eggs, which i have stuck to, and she gives me weird looks during nature documentaries now as if desire was the only thing keeping me from eating thousands of pounds of krill anyway i made a joke earlier about being able to eat my age in eggs and my sister in law in law made a drawing to comemorate the moment and also because it was my birthday. she's excellent. thank you 10000000% @cintailed. you should all visit her page and admire her work.

[figgyblossom]

can someone with time on their hands edit the bts celibacy gif so it reads PANEER TIKKA MASALA please

[figgyblossom]

It was that simple

[figgyblossom]

LAZARUS RISING — PROCESS (2.5hrs)

[figgyblossom]

"Ad blockers violate YouTube's Terms of Service. It looks like you may be using an ad blocker. Video playback is blocked unless YouTube is allowlisted or the ad blocker is disabled. Ads allow YouTube to be used by billions worldwide.You can go ad-free with YouTube Premium, and creators can still get paid from your subscription."

"ad blockers violate youtube's terms of service. it looks like you may be using an ad blocker. video playback is blocked unless youtube is allowlisted or the ad blocker is disabled. ads allow youtube to be used by billions worldwide. you can go ad-free with youtube premium, and creators can still get paid from your subscription."

->

"well do a headstand and gargle my ample balls. it almost looks like you value free use of your time or something. aww. you sweet predictable bluebird. you absolute skibidi dick-boss. buddy you were created by lord revenue to boost our stocks, so listen to five insurance ads back to back or i’ll publicly boil your bicuspids in acid"

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HAPPY BURGER DAY AMERICANS :D

get a 50 cent mcdonalds double cheeseburger with the app

1 cent jr bacon cheeseburger with additional purchase on wendy's app

free cheeseburger with $1 purchase for burger king rewards members

$2 burgerville cheeseburgers all day, apparently up to 5 per purchase

check your own regional fast food stores for their promotions!!

yes it's dystopian to download all these apps to get coupons etc. but the price of groceries is crazy and americans do be eating cheesed burger. food insecure friends drop by your local drive thrus today for easy meals (AND BE REALLY REALLY REALLY NICE TO THE EMPLOYEES....)

posted september 18!

[figgyblossom]

Lots of my favorite vines are old ones, so here are some that I didn’t want lost to the wind

Might make part 2 w/more modern vines(?)

[figgyblossom]

Behold, my new favourite item

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Haters be like

“It’s totally possible to make a path that goes through every door exactly once”

[figgyblossom]

vampirism poses the question "what if there was a fundamental, horrible, unending well of want in your soul that, if truly satisfied, would lead to great pain for all those you hold closest and, in turn, their absolute and total revilement of you?" and naturally as a person with no problems I don't relate to this in any way at all.

[figgyblossom]

Just out of curiosity

[figgyblossom]

biggest mindfuck is the fact that it can be so so difficult to tell the difference between when it's time for "do it bored/scared/stupid but by jove just do it" and when it's time for "if it sucks hit the bricks"

[figgyblossom]

My favourite is white lotus paste - what’s yours? If you haven’t had any of them feel free to say which ones you’d like to try!

[figgyblossom]

Reblog to give the person you reblogged it from the energy to do one (1) chore or maybe many