findingmeafterlosingme

[findingmeafterlosingme]

Our story

Someone once said once you can tell your story and not cry, then you are truly healed.

So this is my gift to myself to heal.

When I met you I was broken and small. Life was a struggle but I held it together, I had to.

I took a job in a pub, away from glaring eyes and gossip.

It was lunchtime and you walked in, with your beautiful voice.

You had an air of cool, of confidence, you looked deep into my soul.

I noticed the wrist bands, the ring on your thumb, your mouth and I fell.

Sure you were in a relationship, but somehow you were saying ‘I am yours’.

We eventually got together, our first date you looked so handsome, tall and kind. You listened to every word and saw me. Believed in me, told me I was the most intelligent person you had ever met, and we had the most intense connection.

Before long we were inseparable, connected both physically and emotionally.

You built me up, made me feel beautiful, made me feel so tall, became my number one fan, made me exist once more.

Yet there was a side to you that genuinely scared me.

The person I fell for, the man I had created started to slip away. The scary man was more present.

Yet remember I had called for this idea, this person that had repaired me.

So for years back and forth, the words and actions were evil, scary, abusive.

You brought with you your addiction to drink - can’t beat them join them.

You didn’t work, you dabbled. Yes you had money but I was the breadwinner - the person who shopped, paid the bills. Whilst you sat on your phone, thumbing through ways of making more money

I was exhausted but you expected, my attention. There were the texts of love bombing, abuse and threats.

Then you pulled me in and I felt I could breathe again.

Six years of no contact. Yet as you always do, a moment of weakness when I was once again a little internalised you slipped back in.

This time it was different, your appeal, you drunken comments no longer had the same impact.

I was no longer broken. Look how far I have come on my own.

As you still thumb through your phone, I have raised my girls, am building a second home, have a career.

You have another failed relationship, live in your Grans home, still take daily trips to the club, the pub and really have not moved any further forward.

Yet you decided to walk away. And that did piss me off, but to be fair, you were never walking beside me. So you never really walked away.

I now have to be done. I now have to accept that you are not who I want you to be or told myself you were. Nor ever will be - for you are incapable of growing internally.

At some point, I might just pop into the pub and probably you will appear , thumbing through your phone still being in the same stagnant place, just existing.

I once loved your smell - now it smells old and left behind.

Weird.

[findingmeafterlosingme]

Loving a narcissist

Am I accepting this to be true?

That the person I truly loved is a narcissist. I found myself behaving in a way that demonstrated the impact you were having on me. This time it was different, this time I saw it before it grabbed me.

I gave you my attention, my love, my vision of forever. And yet you could not let your voice behave as you flung mud at me again.

I’m this and that - can’t even bear to write down the foulness. Can’t believe if you love someone you can excuse that behaviour.

But I see you, I see the cycle and you showed yourself, the truth finally.

Thank you for being the drunk addict, the abuser. Thank you for answering my door with your bits out, just proving you have zero respect for me, and for yourself.

I can’t even get cross as I pity the 55 year old that thinks that behaviour is acceptable.

I’m finally done, I’m finally free and I will finally not think back with rose coloured glasses but with truth and clarity.

You don’t get well, but that is something I don’t need to own or help you with.

You’re screwed and I am free to be brilliant me.

[findingmeafterlosingme]

Fyi - I don't wish you malice or pain.

Looking back on us, I know that I deeply cared about you and let you get closer to me than anyone else had ever been. For that I thank you. You bashed down those walls, they are gone.

I understand that you weren't able to allow me in. I'll never realise why, but that isn't something I need to carry. So I hand that back to you.

People can only be hurt so much before they have to walk away. That stands for us both. To realise that it's time to start again, to move on, to look forwards.

I do know that I am not a bad person, I like me. I'm ok. I'm going to start again.

Please too learn to start again, look within, understand who you've become and learn to trust again. I think that might make you happy.

Please don't forget that you were once That Guy. I hope you find yourself and then trust That girl x

I will love you always but I walk away with my head held high and will never look back. Suddenly life seems such a perfect place!!

Please never look at us as something ugly, I forgive you, I hope you can do that too.

I never needed anyone, still don't apart from the man in the stars (my dad), but hey ho, yesterday is dead and gone.

[findingmeafterlosingme]

I don't love you anymore, it's not a phase it's the truth.

Yet, you don't hear it, you keep texting me, sometimes with kind wishes, others with underlying threats.

The truth is I don't love you anymore.

I don't need to explain why this happened, or when it occurred.

I asked you to leave after you insulted those I do love, and the things that I have worked to achieve.

Yet, you don't need to apologise, because I don't love you anymore.

And because I no longer love, nor care, you no longer need or should want to contact me, because as I yawn at this boring repetition. I scream 'I DON'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE'!