firstjourneyblr

[firstjourneyblr]

Do i really want to write again? Y’all know that’d be my sickness routines if i would do that again. I mean, i’d love to but really today and the day before. I started thinking about how i would put my life back together. I was kinda trouble, for me, and so a lot people around me. I should be sorry, but i would never have a chance to change anything that ever happened in the past. So, i gotta make sure what happens now and what would happen in the future would be better than yesterday.If you ever asked me that question, id say yes but really im gunna be really busy next week and the days after. I have to chase my dream, i have to do my crazy routines, i have to fix every bad stuff i made. I’ve been living better than before but who doesnt need something more. I got no phrase or a little bit of poem to write down right now. Maybe i lied about it, but really i’m feeling just fine right now. I think i would write anytime i could. See ya.

[firstjourneyblr]

Kinda crazy though, He's back When I'm back. Like...

I’m back!

I’ve been gone for a while,I know. I’ve just been super busy, but I’m back and ready to update everyone on all things KIAN! 

[firstjourneyblr]

Well, there lots of thing that you know happened the whole year when I decided to stop posting stuff on tumblr. It was the experience, that I think hard to explain How could someone possible to change to be a person that She really wants. Well, old time ago I remember. I did insult people, even myself. But, uh really I wasn't that girl, anymore. The thing is you should know What you want to be, And God Would give you chance to get it If you want to work harder for it. Keep making dreams. Keep chasing it. Gotta believe, we'd make it someday!

[firstjourneyblr]

It is so terrible That i thought I don't even live in a Limbo But such a paradise That i guess talking about things that matter instead callin people bitch i meant years ago i was like i got thousands of dreams of mine that i think i could reach  when i could be more bigger more older than who i was but now i'm like dammit, i got nothing to do dreams will be just dreams i need to do it but i couldn't when, time turns a lot more than you can think about when you're getting older you will never think about it, anymore it was like a flash if you've ever have a nice childhood then it would not be matter now so

[firstjourneyblr]

You neva stare at me that way. You won't ever fall in love to me the way  i do.  Like no, never Things we did just like for fun I remember when you're just smiling i can see you want me but then it's like i said, what is it? You stopped smilin And like, please don't say  you like me cause I won't ever fall for you I will love you but i'm not gonna in love with you If i was God, i would beg you to just live forever with me so we could make out everyday  we want it I don't get it why you still call me  at this time every nights o, is this just for fun or you only want me? babe, i want you i need you call me!

[firstjourneyblr]

Tonight, maybe i'm crying A bit tears for you out there I'll never know that you have  the same feelings for me or nah Later i'll find out that you  never like me the way i do I will remember the way you say  you're horny or when you said i was your lil sleepyhead i know i will remember that and i will cry so hard for that babe, i want you Not the way you texting or even sexting me Not when you call me when you have free time Not even nudes pic you've sent Not all of them! I want you I only want you! So please! Call me..

12:53am

[firstjourneyblr]

and if i ever have a daughter, i will warn her. i will tell her that anyone, anyone can break your heart. i will tell her that one day she’ll lose someone she’s never even met, and that she will feel that loss like a bullet wound that’s not even really there and that maybe it didn’t make a sound, but somehow it was the shot heard around the world that night when he said “i can’t do this anymore,” or “it’s just not the right time,” or better yet, “i just don’t love you like i used to” and hearing that will feel like the jaws of a great white clamping down on her chest, it will feel monumental and colossal and made of aching. it will feel like the whole atmosphere has escaped from her lungs. she will feel every ounce of the earth perched heavily on her shoulders. i will tell her that it comes like a flash, that she will see him and it will be all butterflies and that he’ll touch her and it will feel like fire lapping up her skin with every move of his fingertips. it will be hard to contain, it will be hard to handle the love that she will feel for him coursing through her body, but that this will be nothing compared to what it feels like to lose him. the beginning will conspire starkly to the end. and i will warn her that sometimes you can’t recognize the signs. sometimes you never see it coming and it’s all out of the blue and that’s when it feels like a lightning bolt. that’s when it’s the most intense kind of pain– when you never do see it coming. but maybe more so than not, it will be gradual. it will be in the little things he does. he’ll stop calling just to hear her voice, he’ll stop picking flowers and looking for four leaf clovers, and telling her she’s beautiful or that she looks lovely today. he won’t like her favorite music, he’ll change the station when they’re in the car together and her favorite song is on, he’ll stop holding her for twenty minutes at a time, and just like that, the end will begin. the fights will start. they won’t be so bad at first, but they will get uglier. they’ll go from “can you just stop fidgeting all the time?” to “jesus christ you’re such a bitch, i can’t stand it when you always do that shit,” and you’ll stay, you’ll stay because no one could ever convince you to leave. but one day, it will be the mother of all fights. this one will be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. it will come out of the woodworks and hit you like a curve ball and you’ll never see it coming. and whatever he does, whatever he says, this will be the end. and i’ll tell her that she’ll feel every single part of it up until then, she’ll feel it all as it grows and grows and grows and the pain in her chest will go from small little twinges to oceans of pain so blindingly terrible. and at this i will tell her that one day she’ll meet someone who will stop liking all of the things he used to love about her, and that will hurt more than anything. one day he will stop loving you, and god it will hurt, god only knows that it will feel like the very end of the earth, but that in no way does it change your value or the worth that you have. a boy’s love, while beautiful, will never make you any less lovable when it’s gone. and i will tell her that i want her to know that yes sometimes love breaks and burns, but that the kind of love that lasts is out there. it is out there and beautiful and it is waiting for her. i will tell her about her first love, i will tell her what it will feel like when it’s gone. but that no matter what, no matter how much she loves him and no matter how hard it is when he leaves her, that she will remain beautiful, she will remain wonderful, and that in time her heart will go on.

and if i ever have a daughter, i will tell her about her first love // mh (via gingersunshinexx)

in love tonight

[firstjourneyblr]

When life could be just like this. One thing, not really. Like literally many things that i've done are bullshit. I'm messed it up. I'm being too fucked up just to show them i'm the best though i'm not. I'm the little unworthy random chick you will find in a suburban city.And will give you blow job if you're hot enough for me, i guess. Last time i checked this blog it was about a couple months ago when i thought i got wifi to write some junk things on here in a bestie's house. But, what i've found now, She's now my bestie, anymore. It was me or her who's too fucked up to ruin the situation. I blamed her for that. I blamed me, i blamed everyone. Cause i don't like everyone. I like staying in a cafe for the whole day of the weekend. The music, the smells of the drink, the hot guy in a corner table of the cafe, the cute waitress. the sound of my tip toes on my laptop, the paper, the pen, my black bag, or even the nice smile of my friend or her gloomy face. Idk, well i can decide. I love all of them. The whole thing i've never really cared about, i'm so sorry for that. I didn't mean tho. Never be grateful enough for everything, i hate myself for this. I hate how do i treat myself well. I hate everything about me. I love everything about me. If i could claim everything i could, Just if i could. I missed my old soul, i missed when i could laugh the whole night watching my future husband throwing cake to his face, or when his best friend singing a song with his naturally weird voice or even anything. I missed all old things about me, normally. I want to meet the past of my life and say, heyy i can't even remember what we did but i grow up and changed to be a better person and fucked up as you wish. Crazy enough to be bold and shit. Babe, i want you to join me through all things we have ever dreamed of. Please, a huge cherry on top for you. Pretty pretty please? Can't say that. You're mature now. Not like 16, but more 23?

The first month of 206 that idk why i got high tension for this. Fuck, right?

[firstjourneyblr]

back again at 3 am exactly not in the ahvo fuck this remember i do remember months ago when i still don't know what to do with my life and i was calling my mom that i thought i couldn't do anything i've ever dreamed of she told me to believe to myself and god And, God missed her it's been for months and the same time i couldn't sleep still the same clock that i know right now what to do but i can't help myself to do i think i'm too lonely i'm too fucked up too pathetic to be a girl that ever dreamed to be a big person in the future but well it is me when other person can't appreciate what i do insult me behind me starring me like a little girl or even a slut i told you however i've changed however it seems so far away i'm still the same person that  never like people i don't like them. now that's it i don't have the idea why i write this i just...

my mind at 3 am

[firstjourneyblr]

love will find you. she will be hiding in crevices or behind garden walls, watching your body language for the right time to jump out and fall around you like sunshine and kiss you until your mouth goes numb. she will be waiting for you, she will be waiting for the right time. you will catch her eyes, and she will know. or perhaps, you will find her. when you least expect it, she will be there. she’ll be dancing in an open field or on an empty floor, or sitting in a corner or at a coffee shop table, and she will be there and she will be waiting and you will know that she was there all along. and maybe, maybe you won’t. maybe you will be the type to find love within yourself, or within the trees, or maybe you’ll fall for the ocean and how she laughs and cries and bellows for a love that’s deeper than anything. maybe you’ll give love to creatures, creating homes for things in your arms or in your backyard. or maybe you’ll love getting up every day and going out and helping things and saving lives and doing the right thing. maybe you will find love in different ways. but that’s just the thing, my friend. love is everywhere. love is all around us, she is within us and etched deeper in our beings than anything we’ve ever created. love outlasts us all, and she is everywhere we look. and love doesn’t have to be a girl, love doesn’t have to be dressed in white at the altar or standing in overalls in the backyard with dirt on her knees and flowers in her hair. love doesn’t have to be tall, dark, and handsome with a smile that makes your knees weak or lips that make your body shake. love can be in anything. love is the world, she is in other people, she is in grass and dandelions and children who make wishes and mothers and sons and brothers and people who give and give and give and never stop because they know that it makes life better for other people. love doesn’t have to be the fairytales you heard when you were a kid. she isn’t only found in happily ever after’s or in the signature on a piece of paper. love is more than just the hands that hold you in the dark. love is all around us, and you will find her. or maybe, she will find you instead. but just know that you are worthy of love, and that there is so much love in this world that i bet you could see if you only looked. look for love in the way a mother puts a bandage on a scraped knee, or how people love their dogs and tend their gardens and make room in their hearts for all small things. love is in the way people appreciate all that’s in the sky, even if she is not tangible. love is finding beauty in things that cannot give you anything back. love is in the way we are constantly looking for what makes us bloom. so just know that you will grow, and you will bloom, and you will find a love so deep that her roots twist down to the very center of the earth. or maybe one day you’ll be digging, and you will find her instead. so remember that love is everywhere. love is made of you.

“there are many kinds of love, more than just the romantic kind, you know? we don’t have to kiss people to love them, we can just tell them it’s going to be okay or give them a hug or just simply care. love is more than the notion of marriage and living happily ever after. love is in the way you look at things that make you smile, it is everywhere. and we could find it if only we just looked, if only we just remembered”

i am jaded but i must learn to see clearly // mh

(via gingersunshinexx)

Idk but well..hey i always love guys that dont lovee back for no reason i hate the idea of it. When all my friends just tried to tell me that it was not love but nothing..i guess, its me. Nobody will know how to love but just me

[firstjourneyblr]

Daddy😍😍😍😘😘😗😗 #charlesbukowski #poetry #poem #writer #author #poetrie his smile even more brighter than the sun..i love you. #tilltheend #foreverandever #daddy

[firstjourneyblr]

[firstjourneyblr]

Well, you know that sucks. It does suck a lot..gosh! #funnytext

[firstjourneyblr]

Thought that they are the same person though they’re not! Good morning everyone!

[firstjourneyblr]

Fall in love with someone who tastes like adventure but looks like the calm, beautiful morning after a terrible storm.

Nikita Gill (via meanwhilepoetry)

gotta be an awesome thing!

[firstjourneyblr]

Me! It sucks. #sharing #words #life #personal #social #wisewords #tired #sick #sucks #wordsofwisdom #naturally #closeup #read #wisewords

[firstjourneyblr]

do you ever just look at someone and get sad because you know you’re never going to get to have sex with them