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12-11-2023 | sunday 22:12 pm

I returned from my trip on Friday, it ended up going a lot better than I had anticipated. Despite all of my anxieties surrounding the travel it went smoothly and only took a couple of hours to arrive in the city. I had an amazing time.

My partner had to talk me down from only one panic attack which I had just before the gig we went to, I'm so grateful for him and also quite proud of myself for actually going to the gig still despite my nerves and sticking through it.

The venue was very accommodating to me and went out of their way to provide seating which I was extremely grateful for, it made me able to enjoy myself and the music despite my r-cpd.

Perhaps a lesson to take from this is that no matter how much you let your anxiety build up about something - you still shouldn't let it make decisions for you. If I had given in to my anxiety that day I wouldn't have had the amazing experience I got from the gig.

I'm also now trying to stop comfort eating, I have a binge eating disorder which has been quite bad recently but I'm feeling motivated enough to try my best to make healthier choices.

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07-11-2023 | tuesday 22:14 pm

Today has been okay, I've been in a bit of pain as the glands in my neck had become swollen and feeling bruised but it's starting to get better now, I'm unsure whether the cause of that was because of my condition or from stress.

I saw my partner today, his dad had offered to drop us off at the second train station which we would have otherwise been taking a train to, which means instead of two trains and a bus I will only need to take one train which has made me feel much less anxious about travelling, the less time that I'm out and about means the less time I have to worry about my chest hurting. Also the train to the city will only take an hour which isn't so bad.

I've been exploring some new music the past couple days which has helped to take my mind off things and practicing breathing more slowly definitely helps, I would recommend learning to breathe slower to anyone who struggles with any type of anxiety, it won't fix your problems but it will definitely help you feel more calm about things physically.

I'm actually quite excited for the trip now that I'm less stressed about the trains, we're also visiting a cat café tomorrow around 5 pm which is something I've always wanted to try as I love animals.

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06-11-2023 | monday 18:00 pm

I just finished my third meal of the day and my chest is beginning to hurt due to my r-cpd however I have been spending some time today focusing on my breathing to help with keeping myself somewhat relaxed despite my emetophobia being upset.

I managed to wake up at 10 am this morning which is good for me with how my sleep pattern has been recently, I'm still currently climbing out of a depression pit that I found myself in the past couple of months but I'm doing better.

I've also started utilising social media as a way to consume much healthier media for the mind in hopes it will lift my spirits and motivate me to improve myself, I will continue to journal about how things go, if anyone is reading this remember you are never alone.

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06-11-2023 | monday 01:46 am

I have decided to start posting here as a place to vent and share my experiences. I struggle heavily with agoraphobia, I have a condition called r-cpd (retrograde cricopharyngeus disorder) along with emetophobia on top of that. Every day hurts, physically.

I’m travelling to a city a couple hours away from me on Wednesday to see my first concert, I’m so excited but also terrified of facing the things I struggle with. I’m really hoping it goes okay.

Agoraphobia fills me with the irrational fear that gravity may turn off at any minute and I’ll float off the face of the earth into the void surrounding us, that feeling in my stomach then triggers my emetophobia which causes me to fall into a panic attack, I’m going to try my best to stay in a healthy mindset while travelling on Wednesday.

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Jenny Hval, from Girls Against God