forestsystm

[forestsystm]

[forestsystm]

we used to do this a lot, and I have some system friends who have also struggled with this. i think this is very common, especially in the online system community, and I think it's the reason most systems you see online have an unusually high alter count.

One struggle that our system has is overthinking what parts are actually there. We can have a part in front and realize that they're acting differently than normal, and we have to try not to immediately think, "This is a new part, not one we know of."

An old host did this whenever the vibe felt even the slightest bit off, which led to hs believing we had, quite literally, 10 times the number of parts we actually had. And though that host is no longer here, we still find a bit of trouble with that being our first thought.

Does any other system experience this?

[forestsystm]

Ah, the classic system experience of not wanting to be perceived but at the same time wishing that people were able to tell you apart and recognize who’s fronting but also that’s not even something you can do most of the time and also unmasking is scary as fuck but also damn wouldn’t it be cool to be treated as individuals sometimes with the acknowledgment that at the same time we’re all part of the same person and at the same time-

[forestsystm]

One thing I don't hear many people talk about with DID is that if you discover it in your teens or 20's you're almost certainly gonna lose a lot of your teen/young adult years to it. Most (but not all) people I've met with it (those that I am confident truly experience it) are severely physically disabled. And the more awareness you have of it, the worse it gets. If you're 16 with DID and know all like 40 of your alters and have fluid internal communication, that is typically quite unsafe.

Personally I discovered it earlier than most, right when I became an adult and moved out. In a majority of cases, discovery of the disorder is caused by an event like this- be it a minor car accident, the death of an abuser, or moving out of your abusive environment.

It cost me so much. My physical and mental health, friendships, relationships, opportunities, things that one would need to stay sane and function as an adult.

When those walls between you and everything that tried to kill you for longer than you can remember begin breaking down, how do you even learn to be human? And when you realize it'd already taken so much from you before you knew it existed, where do you even go from there?

[forestsystm]

does anyone else find themselves healing from the same trauma over and over again?

A lot of the time I've found myself forgetting everything that helped me work through specific traumas.

Like, I've suffered a lot of trauma at the hands of my sister. We have talked about it many times, I even went to therapy with her. I know she explained her side of things, I know she apologized. I remember feeling better about what had happened between us. I remember forgiving her. But I can't, for the life of me, remember what she said that made so much sense to me. I can't remember why I felt better about things. I can't remember how I managed to forgive her. No matter how many times we've talked about it, I forget every single time.

I have a good relationship with my sister now, but I don't know why. I don't know how we managed to fix things. And I can't ask her because I promised her I would never bring it up in a non-theraputic setting again.

So I'm just left knowing I have good reasons to forgive her, but not knowing what those reasons are.

anyone else?

[forestsystm]

Trauma didn't make me nice, I consciously made me nice because I don't want anyone else to suffer like I did. Trauma didn't make me strong, I made me strong. Don't you dare ever tell me my trauma made me anything but scared, broken, and confused. Don't give credit to the abusers for me being a good person. They didn't make me good, I made myself good.

[forestsystm]

"what was your childhood like?" idk I wasn't there

[forestsystm]

Different Ways Fusions Can Result

(This post is specifically about fusion in CDD systems. I am open to questions, but I am not open to people shaming others' chosen recovery paths. Keep that off this post, please!)

Fusion is the process of breaking down dissociative barriers between alters. The alters fuse when they accept and integrate with each other to such a degree that they function as one. This can end up several different ways! I'd love to show you some, using my own system/alters to explain & conceptualize.

#1: The "New Guy" (with traits from both)

Jayden, a 17 year old verbal protector, and Glyph, an ageless dragon soother/protector, fused to make Marcus, who became our system's primary caretaker. The alters both balanced each other out, with Jayden's "chill unless pissed" mixing neatly with Glyph's strong need to keep things in order/safe to make one responsible, organized, and laid-back alter.

#2: The "Old Guy With An Update"

Gemini, our co-host, fused with a bunch of memory-holding fragments. Nothing fundamental about Gemini changed, but he did have access to more memories and some skills.

#3: The "New Guy" (that mostly seems like an old guy)

Echo, our nonhuman shadow being of a gatekeeper, fused with Zeke, an avenger and anger holder who was also the host of his subsystem. Echo kept the name Echo and mostly seems the same at first glance, but sometimes Zeke's bluntness and habitual swearing come through. Zeke has found a lot of peace and healing by fusing with Echo, and Echo gained the perspective of "hot" emotions.

#4: The "Lava Lamp"

Finn, a happiness/energy holder, and Jukebox, a trauma holder, fused to who became Jukebox 2.0. Sometimes, this new alter is a lot more like Finn or a lot more like Jukebox or a perfect mix of the two. The ratio varies and he is ever-shifting. Consistently, he loves dinosaurs, orange juice, and gummy bears.

Overall, fusion can look different for everybody, and it can even look different in the same system! Fusion is a very diverse experience.

While fusion is a good thing, sometimes people do need to grieve it, just like any other large change. That's okay and it doesn't make you a bad person, nor does it make you "anti-recovery". Big changes can be very hard.

In my opinion, the most important thing to keep in mind about fusion, for those who seek it, is being kind to yourself throughout the whole process.

Sometimes, fusions don't work out too well. Sometimes, two alters aren't a good match yet. Sometimes, it takes a few tries. Ultimately, it's up to you and your system how or if you go about it - there's no "wrong way". Just don't rush things, trust yourself, and take it easy. It'll all settle in the end, I promise!

[forestsystm]

here's a piece of art I did that represents DID for me. Thoughts?

[forestsystm]

mood swings or alter?

Hi, so we are diagnosed with DID and Bipolar 1. We've been on some really great meds that have kept our bipolar completely managed for the last almost 2 years. Unfortunately, for the last month, we have been cycling between being relatively fine and being suicidally depressed. I'll be okay for a few days and then suicidal, and then okay again, and it just repeats like that every 3-5 days.

I made a post on a bipolar group asking if this could be a sign of my meds not working, and someone told me it was definitely possible as it sounds like I'm experiencing ultradian cycling. And that makes sense. However, I started thinking about when I was talking to my therapist about these mini-depressive episodes. I was talking about how there's a part of me that just feels doomed. It encourages unhealthy coping mechanisms, it brings down my sympathy, empathy, and compassion. I was talking about this, and she mentioned how it could be an IFS part, or it could be an alter influencing me or possibly even taking over.

The more I think about it, the more it makes sense. My likes, interests, values, and behaviors change when I'm in that state of mind. And when I'm not in that state of mind, I feel almost completely detached from the depression, suicidal ideation, and thought processes I have while in that headspace. I'm not sure if this level of identity alteration and disconnect is normal for depressive episodes, as I've not experienced this type of rapid cycling before. But even when I'm in the depressive head state, it doesn't feel the same as my older, longer depressive episodes. It's like instead of being in emotional agony, more than anything I am scared. Just scared.

I know all this could be explained by external stressors, or just the depressive episodes being different because of the meds I'm on now. But I'm really wondering what's going on here.

Have any of you, especially those with bipolar, experienced something like this? how do you differentiate between extreme mood swings and different alters?

[forestsystm]

"you're so funny" thanks I have no childhood memories and I'm never in control of my own body :3

[forestsystm]

For what it's worth, I relate heavily to this, OP.

The majority of the time I really don't feel like a system. I rarely feel multiple - and when I do I'm normally in some sort of distress. I call myself a system, but unless someone else is around, I just don't feel it. Even when I'm a different version of me, if that's the only version that is in/close to front, I still feel like "just" me - albeit a different me.

I also don't relate to the vast and overwhelming majority of the systems I see online, and the other people I know who have been diagnosed with DID don't either. I've seen the sentiment a lot, not relating to the online system community and therefore not feeling welcome, or even worse: not believing they even have DID because their presentation is so different from that of what they see on social media.

There's a reason we don't relate to what is often represented on social media. Social media is largely performative. People don't show the normal/mundane aspects of DID because it's not as interesting. People are going to post what gets them likes and follows, and that stuff is almost always going to be dramatized, over-exaggerated, or just flat-out made up.

I also wish i had the insight that most of these systems online seem to have. It would make everything so much easier if I could just communicate with my alters and know everything about them, but unfortunately, that's just not how DID works. It takes a lot of time, effort, and therapy to get to a place where communication is good and you have much knowledge of your alters/system. And I'm talking years in most cases.

It's really unfortunate that these online system spaces are the way they are - because they really aren't made for people like us. We're too internally separated to be singlets but not separated enough for these system spaces. It's a shame.

I wish I was more like the systems I see online. It's so confusing. I like the term pwDID a lot of the time, because I'm not always a "system" but I always have DID. But I like the term system when the people in my head actually show up. Because then "I" am a "we". If that makes sense? Like, I'm obviously either always a system or not but I don't FEEL like one unless I have someone else around.

My experiences always feel so foreign compared to other pwDID / systems I meet. I don't really feel like I belong here.

I wish I knew my headcount. I wish I could speak to everyone whenever I wanted. I wish I knew our roles. I wish I knew when someone was fronting. I wish I could roam around my headspace freely. I wish they actually helped like they're supposed to. I wish I knew who is real and who isn't. I wish I knew exactly why I'm like this.

I wish I didn't have this. I wish I was normal. I wish I didn't have any information, so I could call myself a singlet. I wish I knew more, so I could call myself a system.

[forestsystm]

anyone else who did/does IFS therapy find that it really easily triggers a switch?

i have an IFS workbook I'm going through with my therapist and each week I do a new chapter. well I'm doing chapter 3 right now and I've noticed literally every time I sit down to work on this workbook a specific part comes and I can't remember what the hell I read. i know I'm reading it because the exercises are filled out in my journal.

sigh

[forestsystm]

REMINDER

Trauma isn't only bad things that happened

Trauma is also good things that didn't happen

[forestsystm]

It's been awhile let's talk about dissociation.

Dissociation is the act of disconnecting from ones body and or surroundings (on purpose or subconsciously). Some people are predisposed to use dissociation as a coping mechanism either due to their brain or environmental factors.

Some amount of dissociation is normal and some forms of dissociation are good to an extent.

Chronic dissociation comes into play when someone experiences an event or series of events that they do not have the ability to process. This may be due to needing to function and seem "normal", an avoidance to accepting what happened to oneself, or simply because someone does not possess other options of coping.

When a child experiences chronic dissociation ALONG with the idea that they themselves are not experiencing a trauma, their caretakers are loving most of the time, the inability to process that they are not evil, and many other forms of instability and lack of connection to trauma events they become increasingly more likely to develop dissociative identity disorder.

DID is not as complex as people make it out to be (it is complex but not incomprehensibly so). It is a way for the brain to comparmentalize many different traumas, the instability of life, and what is required of them in different situations. It is a post traumatic stress disorder with dissociation being the only coping mechanism alongside early childhood trauma.

What you as an adult/older teen consider trauma is much different than what a 5 year old considers trauma.

When your mom yells at you and says she doesn't love you sometimes and you're 5 you have no concept of what could have caused her to say that other than you are evil and horrible. As an adult maybe you see she just got a speeding ticket or her boss yelled at her or any other reason she may have lost her temper. While in no situation is this an appropriate response to stress, a child has no concept of other people's life experiences.

When you are five and you see you are not getting your needs met, you think you are evil or you are not good enough. When you are being abused it is because you think you're bad. So the brain needs to change who you are sometimes.

When moms cooking dinner don't get in her way or ask questions or she'll yell at you because you're evil = submissive depressed alter. (If you remember when mom is nice to you it might make you too comfortable so you must not remember her kindness while she's cooking)

When Mom takes you out for ice cream you need to be happy and enthusiastic or she'll yell at you = happy social alter (if you remember the trauma she gives you you can't be happy so you only have happy memories in this state)

When mom demeans your entire being you can't take that to school or your teacher will be upset you're not doing your work = school alter and a self hating alter (if you remember that you're a bad stupid child you can't function at school, those two states must be separated)

These are fairly simplified examples of why an alter may form, your memories still exist from other states. DID is NOT an encoding issue, dissociation might make it hard to encode some memories but if an alter holds memories they have been encoded and it is physically possible for every part of the brain to remember them.

Sometimes your brain doesn't want you to have access to memories that aren't important to the current situation so they must be put into a different part of the brain only to be accessed when a trigger happens.

You feel like different people because you literally do not have access to one coherent life. The memories each part holds makes up they way they act, if they mainly hold trauma they won't feel happy like an alter who holds few or no trauma memories. The world is evil to one part and loving to the next.

[forestsystm]

this is something I also deal with and you're absolutely right, it's downright scary.

The scariest thing about our amnesia to me is how willing we are to believe anything that anyone tells us about our life

Oh, I used to love x thing but I don’t remember ever having x? Okay, sure.

I’ve eaten y at a restaurant before but I swear I’ve never tasted y? My memory’s bad, I’ve probably had it.

It’s terrifying if I really think about it.

-Ash

[forestsystm]

well i guess that's fine